Kats -

I don't cry very often. I have a couple of times in the last few months, but that's the first time in a long time. I especially don't cry in front of anyone. I don't think it's because I thought it was a sign of weakness, I just don't show emotion. It may be because I don't want anyone to notice me.

I think that showing emotions is a good thing, and I hope to be there someday, I think I have some steps in between. Right now I'm learning how to tell people how I feel, like my husband, my T, and my son's T, my boss, and to believe that I'm important enough for them to listen.

OW

quote:

It is instilled in me not too cry, tough people don't cry...there is nothing worth crying over.

Kats
I am struggling so much over this. I was always very tough. In talking to my T, we have realized that I was praised for this and so the pattern was set very deeply in my brain. My father also used to say, "stop that crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." He never followed through on that, but the emotional damage was done. I learned to suck it up and not cry.

quote:

I especially don't cry in front of anyone.

OW

For me, I don't cry in front of anyone because it will make me vulnerable. I don't know "how" to cry in front of anyone and so I spend a lot of energy holding back. I am a master at changing the subject when I start to feel the emotions welling up inside me. Avoidance is my MO. I have only recently been able to let a few tears fall in front of my T. To me, it's a flood. But really, it is only a few drips.

I am able to cry when I am alone though and that has brought me some relief in the very sad times. Someday I may take the risk to cry in front of those I am close to. Maybe even my husband.

PL

before starting therapy last may, i cried exactly three times in 18 years. now i cry all the time, including in front my therapist (and i'm a -gasp- GUY). why the hell not? it's part of the process for me. sometimes i feel better after crying, sometimes i feel worse, sometimes i feel the same, but i just love the fact that i feel enough to cry now. as far as i'm concerned, not feeling feelings is like holding poison in your body.

i was also raised in an environment where crying was not OK. neither was it really all that OK to be too happy. what i know now is that this idea that not crying somehow equals being "tough" is pure BS. nothing could be further from the truth. exploring your interior life, facing the ugly truth of who you are, and experiencing all the awful feelings associated with all of that is what i call "tough."

learn to cry. you won't regret it.

Russ

quote:

learn to cry. you won't regret it.

I'm trying with all my might. I hope to get there someday.

PL

I am a huge cry baby! I don't like crying in front of people because the attention and concern make me really uncomfortable but I cry at least 2 or 3x a day. I almost always end up crying myself to sleep at night. For the first two years with T I cried a lot - almost every session. Now I don't cry so much, I am not sure why. However, some sessions that seems to be all I can do. I have mixed feelings about crying, like Russ, sometimes it seems to help and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I have been unable to stop for like hours and the whole next day my eyes are so dry and red it sucks but I guess overall it is an effective release of strong emotions that I can't seem to express any other way - like anger or anxiety.

Nope. Not really. Not with folks around, not alone, not in front of Tfella. Broke down once after group therapy (which was weird) and once recently in traffic on my way to one of the SagaT's offices.

But no. Like you all have said - makes you vulnerable, which I've pretty much always associated with unsafe.

I actually told my T that I hope I learn to cry in front of him. It has not been easy because like many of you I equate crying with weakness and vulnerability and it was dangerous to show that to others. In the beginning of therapy I shed a few tears but tried to swallow them and keep it under control. Finally, I had a session where when I went in I was really angry with my T for canceling an appointment and we talked about some triggers for me and I cried... sobbed during that session. I have since had a few good cries with my T. I do cry more often now when I'm alone. I think it's all the grief and mourning I've been doing and working on through therapy. I think in the long run it helps and sometimes it feels sort of cleansing.

TN

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I actually told my T that I hope I learn to cry in front of him.

TN

I'm still waiting for that good sob to kick in. A long time ago I told my T that if and when I do let down, I want it to be in her office. Only a trickle has come out -- I'm still waiting!

PL

When I was growing up it was definitely a sign of weakness to cry, so I would only cry alone.

quote:

My father also used to say, "stop that crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." He never followed through on that, but the emotional damage was done. I learned to suck it up and not cry.

My father used to say the exact same thing. I was also always told that I should be grateful for what I have. (What a joke!) He didn't _usually_ follow through on his threats either. He recounts that after one of the spankings he gave me when I was about 4 or 5 yrs old I just stood and glared at him right in the eye and refused to cry. That was the only time you were supposed to cry so he bent me over his knee again but I remained defiant and would not cry in front of him. There was a lot to cry about while I was growing up, so at a very young age I decided I had to be tough and force myself not to cry. Especially in front of him. As for my mother she cried so much herself that I couldn't cry in front of her because I had to be strong for her.

But I cry at movies, sappy TV commercials, you name it and I'll cry. As far as in front of my T it took a year and a half, but since then I've cried several times and even to the point of sobbing, but often I will feel the urge to cry and I just stop short of releasing it. I'll even wish I could cry, because I know that later I will be on my knees or in my bed crying alone and I so bad want to release it in front of her where I feel unthreatened and not alone.
JM

I used to think that my Ts should actually have a tissue surcharge on my bill I cry so much. I'm a leaky faucet. I cry at commercials, movies, and even moving cards. Although, honestly, I do most of my crying alone. I always feel like I'm somehow imposing when I cry in front of people.

Although that's definitely not true with my Ts. I have often seriously sobbed in front of my Ts. Umm, with my present T I've had only three sessions when I DIDN'T cry.

But like River, I'm not crying as much these days. As I learn to regulate my emotions and feel them on a more steady basis, it's like the pressure doesn't build up so I don't need to sob to let it out. But it's a rare day I don't cry.

Funny though, I remember my dad using the "I'll give you something to cry about" line also. Sometimes I wonder if crying isn't an act of defiance on my part. Rebelling against all those years I wasn't supposed to feel. On the other hand, its always been easier for me to be hurt than angry, so I've had to express a lot of rage by crying. Interesting question!
AG

My dad used to tell me all the time. Tom boys don't cry. Get over it. That has never left me. I still do not cry.

I rarely cry. I would like to. Anyone know where I can get a prescription for crying?

Megabyte

"but often I will feel the urge to cry and I just stop short of releasing it. I'll even wish I could cry, because I know that later I will be on my knees or in my bed crying alone and I so bad want to release it in front of her where I feel unthreatened and not alone."-JM


I don't cry much. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, but now, I hardly ever do. I have shed a tear or 2 in therapy once or twice, but I always manage to shut it off quickly. I mostly feel so angry if the tears do come out. And that's really strange, cause I feel like JM in the quote above. I want to, feel almost as if I NEED to, but the tears just don't come. Once, My T said, "well, there's tissue, why don't you cry about it" (I don't remember what "it" was)? He said "Most people would." I told him I was NOT going to cry because I didn't feel like it. Didn't have the time, I said. And I didn't!

For the non-cryers in the group. C'mon folks! If I - a 41 year old guy who drives a truck, plays sports and works with computers for a living - can cry several times a week (sometimes a day) you can too!

Hi Kats and everyone

I was raised being told that only babies cry, or told that if I was going to do 'that' (cry) that I should go to my room to do it where no one could see/hear it. So I learned young to bury my feelings, and now I am a true master.

My P has been amazed since day one that I don't show any feeling, and just today I said to her "How am I supposed to 'own' my feelings if I can't even feel anything?". She had some kind of psycho babble for me that didn't answer my question as usual But basically until I can 'feel' I will never 'own' the feeling and not be able to move on ... I am so screwed and destined to be in therapy till I die or my P retires LOL

She has said that basically somewhere in the growth cycle I stopped developing emotionally because of things that happened in my past and a lack of nurturing by my mother.

It's a tough nut to crack and I envy those of you that are able to share your feelings with people you trust!

Holly