Yeah, that's happened to me. Over the years I've given my T a couple books and a music CD and recommended watching a certain movie. (After all, he suggests things I should see and hear and read.)

But I don't think my T likes to read and it doesn't seem like he has time to listen to music or watch a movie, even if I rave about it. Initially it did hurt when he didn't participate, but now I just mention I liked such-and-such book/music/movie and then tell him why! That way I can still be in awe of it and he will appreciate my enthusiasm. He really smiles a lot when I'm excited about something! ~D.

Aww, Hoosier, that is tough. One thing I've learned though is that reading a book is a lot bigger deal for some people than others. For example, I have one friend who reads extremely fast. It's no big deal for her to finish an entire book in a single afternoon. For my H on the other hand, while he is no less intelligent, reading a book is a test of endurance and finishing just one book could take him weeks. I used to feel discouraged when I'd want my H to read something I was excited about and he wouldn't do it. Now, if I am excited about something, I find a different way to share it with him. Either I will summarize it for him, or I will find a movie or other format on the same subject.

If you REALLY wanted T to read the book, you could read parts of it to her during sessions and then stop and discuss those parts. I have shared very short articles with T's, but if it's something long, you have to consider that the reading is time they aren't getting paid for, and the only T's who would do that are ones who either love reading or happen to be very interested in the subject of the book you suggest. So I know it feels like rejection, but I hope that over time it could feel a little less personal.

T and I have actually discussed this in some detail before. If there is something I want T to read, listen to, or watch, including anything I write, we agreed that it is something I have to bring into my appointment and we'll read/discuss/watch then. The goal being to keep the work we do within the boundaries of our therapeutic relationship. T doesn't generally give homework, as my job in between appointments is to journal (if I choose) and process what we've discussed.

It kind of hurt when I asked T to read my blog and got the above response. I often am able to be pretty open on my blog cause it's anonymous, and I wanted T to read it so T could keep track of my thoughts between appointments, but I do understand the boundaries.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess my expectations were too high. I have never asked her to read something before and this was so important to me because it really was dead on with an issue I am addressing with her. I guess I thought she would WANT to read it too because it was so important to me. Her telling me the other things she had to do felt like I was way down on her list of priorities. I will raise this when I see her next. Its hard to let the sting of the perceived rejection go. But I appreciate your insight and comments.

Once I saw a video documentary about a religious trend that was very relevant to my background experiences in a cult-like environment and family. I thought it would be awesome if T watched it, both because it would fill her in a lot about me and because it would have been very interesting to discuss it with her in session.

I emailed her a link to where she could watch it online. . . she didn't watch it, but she did at least read a detailed synopsis and commentary that I also linked to. That would have been about 15 mins of reading, I guess. I appreciated that, but was pretty disappointed that she didn't watch the video. She told me she didn't watch it because she thought it would be "too upsetting." ?? I didn't really get that at all.

She asked for more info, though, and I sent her a list of websites. She browsed at least some of them and we talked about what she read a bit. Then, she went on to buy a couple of the books written on the subject! One of which I had read and greatly benefited from. I was flattered and excited that she did this, it was not something I had ever suggested. But when I asked a few weeks later about reading them. . . she said she hadn't read anymore. I was a little embarrassed and said, "Oh, that's okay, I didn't really expect that you had. I know you're a busy woman. I was just wondering."

She told me she hadn't read any more because she found the subject difficult and upsetting. Again, I totally do not get that. Especially since she took the trouble and spent the money to buy the books! It was disappointing, but I think I was more bewildered than hurt. Then I told myself, well, I pay her to talk to me not to read books and watch movies in her spare time, so. . . whatever. Ts can be weird.

(((Hoosier))) It is a bit of a let down. I'm sure your T didn't mean it personally, though. We're all a little short on time. Maybe you could read some of the book together in sessions? My T and I sometimes read poems together. That is always fun.

((((HOOSIER)))))

I can totally understand how hurt and rejected you must feel. I think the suggestions to bring the book into the session and read parts together is a great one. My T will actually keep the things I give him to read in his office and read it if his has a cancellation or some otherwise free time. Maybe you can tell your T how much this book means to you?

Your thread was very timely for me because I just gave my T homework yesterday. I asked him to pretend that God sent him a telegram telling him that he was being transferred tomorrow to the most intimidating place he could think of. And that he wouldn't be allowed to contact anyone he knows now in his current life and he wouldn't have any support. I suppose, in some ways, that's how I feel all the time. But that wasn't the point of the homework.

Anyway, T's first response was that the most intimidating place he could be would be Afghanistan. I told him it couldn't be that intense and so we tentatively settled for him having to be a trader on Wall Street with no training. It was the end of our session so we couldn't talk anymore about it but I'm interested to hear what he does with it on Monday when I see him.

hoosier - and anyone else who was dissapointed by their Ts - i really feel for you and i am sorry that they couldnt at least be more sensitive about how they answered that. i can understand the boundaries and not having time etc, but maybe they can phrase that in a way that is more helpful for you - maybe say something like... "it sounds like it was a great book for you and i would love to know more about it - why dont you bring it to session and read some parts from it, or you can tell me what you liked about it. i'm afraid i'm not able to read it in my spare time, but when i am in session with you I aim to give you my attention 100%"

i am a sensitive soul and this is what i expect from my T - i guess its not realistic and they make mistakes too... and they hurt and dissapoint us...

i hope you can talk about it again and get a better answer or something useful out of the discussion.

puppet

heldincompassion,
i am really sorry about your Ts comment about it being 'too upsetting'...?! you would think 'upsetting' is part of their job and they should just deal with it. i guess if its their spare time they dont have to....
but it just doesnt sound right to me

puppet

Hoosier,

I'm sorry that your T responded in a way that left you feeling rejected. I can see why it would feel personal though I believe that it really isn't, just a matter of preference/time on the part of your T. That doesn't make it hurt any less for you though. I agree that bringing it into session could be helpful. I've done that before.

I want to say that regardless of your T's response or openness to reading the book, the insight that you gained is YOURS. It is yours to keep regardless of whether or not you share that with your T or she reads the book. I know that it can feel important to share those things with another person that we feel close to and I think that is perfectly natural. I just don't want to see you toss out all of the insight and good feelings that came with reading that book. Perhaps even if you can't bring the book into session, you could discuss the insights you gained and use those as a jumping off point to further understanding and growth.

Hi Hoosier,
I know I'm late to the thread, but I did want to answer. I understand you being hurt, whenever we run into a boundary that rubs our nose in the fact that this person is our therapist, nothing more and nothing less, it can be quite painful.

And please trust me, that I have heard that voice whispering to me "but if he really cared about me, he'd find time to do this." But I am also acutely aware that my T at any given time is probably carrying a active caseload of sixty clients as well as having a very generous 24/7 contact availability by phone or email, even on vacation. So there really is only so much he's going to be able to do.

My T did once read a book at my recommendation but it was because I brought it to therapy to talk about the things that had an impact on me, and he was intrigued enough that he asked for the title and subsequently read it. OTOH, he has shared with me his difficulty in reading (he actually writes out whole passages in long hand to get it in) so it's very rare that I sent him anything to ask him to read.

So if I'm reading something that I'm learning alot from, it's really not important that he read it, just that we discuss what I'm learning.

But I think its important to talk about the feelings that are coming up around this. I was really excited when I started my blog and sent my T an email about it. In the email, I told him that I wasn't sure where the boundary landed on this, so if he wanted to read it, I would like that, but would understand if he didn't. At our next session (I wasn't seeing him more often than once every 4-6 weeks) he brought it up and said he was sorry he hadn't gotten a chance to read it yet. I was patient knowing how busy he can get. After four months of my blog being up, he still had not read it. So I went to see him and told him that I wasn't sure if it was reasonable but I was feeling hurt and angry that he hadn't read it. That I would have been ok if he had told me he wasn't willing to read it, but saying "yet" implied that he was going to, and even though I knew it wasn't true, I was staring to feel a little bitter about believing he cared. He apologized and was very understanding of my feelings and told me that knowing I felt that way bumped up the importance of reading. Which he eventually did.

When we hear no from our Ts, it often stirs up the feelings and memories of not having our needs met as kids, even though the meaning if very different now, so it's important to acknowledge and discuss those feelings. My T's not reading my blog had nothing to do with me, it was really a function of his schedule. So my reading into his lack of reading a lack of care wasn't really the truth. No matter how much someone cares about us, they only have 24 hours in the day. And just like us, Ts have families and homes to maintain and bills to pay so they just can't do it all as nice as that would be.

AG

While I get the whole lack of time thing, I still wish she had not just rejected my request outright. STRM, thanks for reminding me that the insight from the book is still there as I was losing that in the midst of my hurt. I will try to bring the book into my next session and will try to tell my T about how her email impacted me. Its been a rough weekend and I am still smarting from the perceived rejection. I keep thinking I just won't go in this week because "I don't have time". I have made every effort to read and do everything that my T has asked of me. I make a lot of effort to go outside of the box with my own clients (I am an attorney) and this was the first time I have ever asked her to do something outside of our session for me. So I just got my feelings hurt and will sort it out over the next few days. I appreciate all the support.

(((HOOSIER))))

quote:

I have made every effort to read and do everything that my T has asked of me.

That must make it hurt even more. And, in all honesty, we are paying them and so they SHOULD be working for US. Would you ever tell one of your clients that you don't have time to do something they asked you to do? At the very least, you would tell them that you'd discuss it with them the next time you saw them instead of just outright denying the request.

Sorry, don't mean to add fuel to the fire. I'm feeling hurt for you, especially now knowing how hard you have worked to please her. Her outright denial, although honest, does seem a bit dismissive and insensitive. It may be a way for her to manage her time, stress and anxiety. But .... whatever you do, don't minimize your own feelings. If it was/is important to you, it's worth talking about at the very least.

i agree with Liese that you have to at least talk about it. please know i am NOT discounting your feelings, but i'm backing T up on this one ... i know they're busy folks to begin with, but can you imagine if every client had a book they wanted their T to read? they probably have a back-log of their own to read that they don't have time for. i DO understand your hurt feelings, but i also think it's a tall order to expect them to read a book for you, and don't think it would be unreasonable to charge you for the time if they did. in my business, if we do something extra for the client you can bet we bill them for it. sorry if i'm being harsh. talk with your T. hopefully it will diffuse some of your hurt feelings.