Hi CT,

My immediate reaction to the title of your thread "Do you like me?" was, of course I do! And I started thinking of the reasons I would list...and then I read your story.

Thank you so much for sharing this. What an amazing opportunity to see the little girl in you from your T's perspective, and also to know what it feels like to be in your T's shoes. In my opinion you gave her the perfect response. And in doing so, it can't help but reinforce the message your little girl needs to hear, too!

And besides all that, what a compliment to you and the work you are doing with these children! There's no way she would have asked you that if you weren't making a significant positive impact on her life. And I don't think there's too many other things in this world worth doing.

Part of me is just tickled to see that, with her innocent question, this little girl is forcing you to see how wonderful you really are. I'm enjoying myself just watching this. It's just tooooo gooood. Cause you deserve it!

SG

CT,

As I read your post I could not help seeing "us" as this little girl and "you" as our Ts. I've been reading posts today about whether or not our therapists "love" or "care" about us as individuals and your post really made me see it all from a different perspective. Of course they do! Do you "love" this little girl? Do you at the very least "care" about her? You said yourself that you answered her "with love". And don't we all want to be loved, accepted, "liked" for who we are, regardless of our shortcomings and imperfections? It's human nature... I believe that we all value others' opinions of us, and others value OUR opinion, whether we're willing to admit/accept it or not.

I think your answer was BEAUTIFUL and perfect, and it really touched me! My T told me two sessions ago that she "cares" about me and although I would love to hear her say the "L" word, I am just holding onto the feeling in my heart that she does love me because I felt it inside of me when she expressed her caring for me. I truly believe our Ts care for us genuinely and from the heart, regardless of what they may be comfortable with actually saying.

Thanks so much for sharing this experience with us...I really appreciate it!

MTF

Hey CT-
What a beautiful and amazing story, such a simple question asked with such innocense and honesty. Strummergirl's response is exactly how I feel too.I think you handled it with love, grace and professionalism. (I too work with kids)
Way to go!

((((((((((CT)))))))))))
You are so incredibly awesome and so unaware of it!! This was an incredibly moving post for so many reasons but I'm going to try and restrain myself in my reply to just a few things (Restraint? She's showing restraint? Why this time? )

First I want to reassure you that you're answer was perfect, I know because it's what my T told me when I asked him that question. You did the most important thing by going to the heart of the matter and understanding how important you were to her that she asked that and how much she needed to know that she was worthwhile. And letting her know that caring and love is NOT a zero-sum game, we always have all the love that we need, is an absolutely priceless lesson. Yes answering with honestly and love was ABSOLUTELY the best thing you can do. It's always the best thing we can do.

But here's what really really impressed me. You have not shied away from what this evoked for you. You stayed with the feelings for a WEEK!! You are looking at uncomfortable scary thoughts (because I know for you daring to believe in your own worth or lovableness is one massively scary place to go.) You are allowing a space where you can imagine that your feelings (of course she doesn't like me, of course someone wouldn't value my opinion, of course she's judging me) might, just might, not be an accurate reflection of reality. That maybe reality is very different from what your feelings so often scream at you. Be careful, you could end up liking yourself. Tee hee.

Be very very proud of yourself, it took an enormous amount of courage to stay with this. And I'll bet you never question the old saying "from the mouth of babes" again.

HAPPY DANCE!!

AG

Thanks so much for your replies everyone.

Monte- yes, those incidental moments can get us sometimes... and I do struggle to take it on board!! I sulk pretty often too!

SG- Thanks for saying you like me... and for saying I'm wonderful! I'm still in shock over this whole incident and I can't seem to get my brain around it. I'm glad you're enjoying watching it... but it sure is a conundrum living it!!!!

Hi MTF- I don't think we've "met" yet! Thanks for your reply. And I do care for and love this little girl (in a very healthy way)... I just can't fathom her caring about what I think still.

I hope you're able to hold on to the feeling of love from your... IMO there's nothing better in the hard times than feeling loved and cared for despite everything that may be going on.

Thanks Helle. I always get scared that I'm going to mismanage something with a kiddo and then traumatize them for life, so it's nice to hear from another person who works with kids that my response was ok. Thanks!

AG-

LOL @ "She's showing restraint? Why this time? " hahah!

Thanks for your response.

quote:

I know for you daring to believe in your own worth or lovableness is one massively scary place to go.

Word.

quote:

You have not shied away from what this evoked for you. You stayed with the feelings for a WEEK!!

It's been damn-near two weeks now, and these feelings haven't gone away yet! i don't really know what to do with all this! I still don't really have a category for "shit that comes up when working with clients" and I don't really know how to make a new category. I'm kinda in a paralyzed state with it all.

I honestly just don't know what to do with all this "affecting peoples' lives" thing. I mean, i've spent the last 23 years and 4 months trying to be invisible and as minimal of an impact as possible! And now i've gone and chosen a career that puts me squarely in the face of random people who need my help. I THINK I'M INSANE!!!! I'm not sure I can manage this... this... this being valued stuff. Cuz if I can help people then i can screw people up too!! I've always been Switzerland... neutral... quiet... non-invasive... undemanding (if that's a word)... I just don't know about all this!!!

Can I go back to being invisible, please????

quote:

I'll bet you never question the old saying "from the mouth of babes" again.

BTW, I actually stopped questioning that old saying when my little sis- who didn't have a good grasp on wh questions until she was about 5- walked up to me while I was drinking something from a straw and goes "who are ya' drinkin'??" LOL That was by far my favorite!!! I still say it to her when she's drinking something (she's 9 now).

-CT

So... this isn't really new-thread worthy IMO, but I had a pretty shitty appointment today with my T. I brought up some stuff that I have been thinking about for a while and she was fine about it... but it just felt really crappy. I didn't leave feeling connected or anything... partially because I was having a really hard time talking and really being "there" with her. I wrote to her afterward and asked that she give me a call about my appointment next week and she hasn't called yet... I'm kinda scared. What if what I told her today DID upset her (like I thought it would, but she said it didn't). What if she DOES hate me now?

I'm trying to tell myself that she has a life and that she is just probably busy, but I still am worrying about it... I was so worried about telling her and I thought I'd feel relieved once I told her but I don't... I feel worse. I knew I shouldn't have brought it up!! UGH!

I have a test to go study for... blah and/or bleh.

-CT

((((CT)))) I'm sorry your session turned out to be kind of a dud...it feels just sucky when you open up about something important, but you leave with the sense of not having really been heard. So now your emotions are trying to find an explanation for it, and they're going right for the panic button. I very much doubt that she could hate you for any reason, but your amygdala is probably not going to hear that right now. I really hope she calls soon to relieve your fears. And also so you can study for your test cause this is probably really distracting you.

SG

stupid amygdala!

Thanks SG, i really needed to connect to someone. This IS really distracting me from my studying... what sucks is that part of my test (in a social and personality development class) is over "the self". Yeah, like I wanna study THAT SHIT right now?!??

I just wish I had my session to do all over again. Part of what I was talking to her about was about her family, but not in the creepy-stalkery way... but I'm terrified that she thinks I was just trying to inject myself into her life and that wasn't the point. She didn't seem to be offended by what I said, but I'm not a very good boundary follower and I'm not sure if I crossed one or not... I've pushed boundaries in the past and now I'm scared that she'll think I was trying to do that again but I really, honestly wasn't.

What's that word you say, when you're frustrated SG? Rackafrack?? Is that it? Whatever that word is, insert it here _____________!!!!!

-CT

Oh, no...not a test on "the self". I think that's what's known as a "cruel irony".

Hey there, rackafrackin' amygdala!!! Leave CT alone so she can study for her test.

Pretty please.

CT,
I HATE those kinds of rackafrackin' sessions! (I am so loving that word SG!). The worst part is that they leave you feeling like you have no place to go. If its any comfort, looking back later, those kinds of sessions often turn out to be where I did really important work. And an important part of healing is learning to get through the disruption and repair of attunement. No matter how much other people care about us, they're going to mess up sometimes because they're human and we really need to experience that those kinds of misalignments don't destroy the relationship. See it's just another opportunity for growth! (Ducks for cover, barely in time to miss the rock whizzing at my head!).

AG

YAY, MY T DOESN'T HATE ME!!!!

PHEW!!! Now, more studying! Everyone send me good vibes tonight around 7pm (central time) so I can pass this test on the self, gender/sexuality and achievement...

I'll leave you with one fun fact I learned in class: Everytime a pubescent boy ejaculates, he produces enough sperm to impregnate all the women in the world...twice!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I'm paying good money to learn this stuff...

-CT

REALLY?????

Just to clarify...I meant "really?" in terms of the factoid you shared...I'm not surprised at all that your T doesn't hate you...and I'm glad she called back

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
YAY, MY T DOESN'T HATE ME!!!!

I keep thinking about your "Do You Like Me" story with your young friend. How could anyone hate you? And yet I do the very same thing to myself. Are you going to tell us what your T said? If only we could bottle their reassurance and take a dose of it at bedtime every night! So that we wouldn't have to face the doubts that creep up again and again!

Holy bejeebers my test was hard tonight!!! I don't even mean hard like "oh crap I didn't study well" hard but more like the "there could be two right answers and I can only pick one" hard!!! UGH!!! I'm hoping for a curve on this one!!! Glad it's over with though... c'mon spring break!!!!

SG- that lil factoid was in a video we watched in class... not sure if it's true, but I'll leave countin' spermies to the experts!!!!

MH-

quote:

Are you going to tell us what your T said?

Why sure, if you want to know (I never know how much I'm boring everyone!). I guess I have a to give you a lil background on what I talked about in order for it to make sense. Okay- here's the short version (like I'm capable if being succinct?!?).

I work with/ am in training to work with special needs kids, anything from cerebral palsy to autism to learning disabilities. I have a special fondness for nonverbal autistic kids- i don't know why... I just connect to them... they are so intensely honest and profoundly loving... and they like me like dogs like Cesar Milan ().

Anyway, I found out several months ago, in a session with my t, that her grandson has very severe autism. She made a comment about how the therapy he's in "doesn't do much good." And, in my head, I immediately went into "OMG have they tried this? or that? does he do this? what about this? oh, or that?" I mean, I'm immersed in this world pretty often, and at my work, we do some pretty out-of-the-box things so, often, people haven't heard of some of the things that I have heard of.

Well, I couldn't manage to get any of this out to my t. I just held onto it... so much else was going on and I didn't want her to think that I was trying to pry or that I was thinking of her grandson as some "problem" who "needed to be fixed" or that I was insinuating that her daughter wasn't taking good care of him... and I was scared that I would sound stupid, that what I thought I had to offer was really obvious and stupid and that there was no way that she would want me to say anything. And I didn't want her to think I was trying to "make my therapy about her" or avoid my own stuff. All the while, I was going through telling her that I have intensively researched her family online, etc... and I didn't want her to think that I was using her grandson as a means to get more information about her... yadda yadda yadda

So I played a million scenarios over and over in my head, but I couldn't stop thinking of her grandson. What if he wasn't getting the help he needed? Yeah, it's not my business, but where would we all be if everyone ACTUALLY minded their own business? What if her grandson's quality of life could improve... and I have knowledge that could help but didn't share it because I was afraid? It just kept bubbling up over and over and finally, I got to the point where I figured that a) God really was trying to use me to help them or b) God really wanted me to have this experience to learn a really big lesson! Either way, this wasn't going away until I just talked to my RACKAFRACKIN' t about it (correct usage here SG? !!!!

So, I was terrified beyond terrified to bring this up out of the blue about my t's family, a few weeks after I basically told her that I am obsessed with knowing more and more about her family. I just knew that she wouldn't think I was trying to help and that she would think that I was trying to be sneaky and manipulative and deceitful... or that she'd think my opinion was insignificant and worthless and basically laugh me out of her office. And when I finally was able to tell her, of course I was crying and I didn't really know why and I was really upset and it seemed that I cared WAY too much about a kid I will never know or see or meet. And then it was awkward...

I don't think she got why I was so upset... I mean, fuck, I still don't know why I was so upset. I was just sad for her grandson and the hopelessness that often comes with these situations. And I felt stupid for taking such a huge risk and rocking the boat. And she was fine about it but we weren't in sync. It was off and I just felt stupid and like it "wasn't right." I honestly don't really remember what else we talked about. I know I wrote her a letter afterward because I was really confused when I left and I just felt bad. Plus, what I was suggesting wasn't anything they haven't tried, so it just increased my level of "shit, WTF did you bring THAT up for???? DUMBASS! Of course they already knew that. You don't know anything special!"

Then she didn't call back and I was convinced she was offended that I would bring anything up and that she thought I was rude and audacious. So I called her today and told her that I really regretted bringing that stuff up and that I was really sorry... and then, she called back!

I let it go to voicemail (like I always do so I can listen again and again if need be) and she basically said that I did NOT need to apologize to her and that she understands what my intentions were and that she APPRECIATES the fact that I care so much. And she said that she was glad to have the information I gave her and that she thinks it's "neat" that I have that knowledge and was willing to share it. She then went on to say that perhaps I might have been picking up on the fact that talking about her grandson makes her really sad because he is profoundly disabled and there isn't a really good solution. She said that isn't about me though, or about the information I was trying to share with her. That made me feel better because I think that is why I felt "off." She always does a really good job of keeping her issues out of the room, and I think on this topic, in order to keep me and her both safe, she had to withdraw a bit to keep her feelings/emotions in check. Does that make sense?

As weird as it sounds (and feels), I'm really glad she pulled back some instead of getting all emotional with me... and now that I think about it, I'm very grateful for her ability to keep her boundaries up, even if it feels bad/weird in the moment. Now that I know it wasn't ME, I just feel more relieved. And honestly, I'm just really glad that she has her shit together enough to know how available she can be and when... the last thing I need is to feel like I have to take care of her and her needs!!!

Well MH, I guess that wasn't really the "short" version!! I hope you are well and that you can find some reassurance... I like the "nightly dose" idea!! Thanks for being interested in what my t said.

-CT

Oh, CT...I feel overwhelmed by reading your story...all I can think of is this...if only everyone had the so-called "problem" you have...that of a big, generous, giving, concerned, caring heart...there would be no need for anyone to be in therapy.

And yes, your usage of rackafrackin' was perfect.

SG

p.s. Don't even want to THINK about HOW they "count" them...ew.

p.s. again: Who/what is "Cesar Milan"?

quote:

Originally posted by strummergirl:
p.s. Don't even want to THINK about HOW they "count" them...ew.

I don't know HOW they count them, but I'm glad they've figured out a way. My DH had to take a "sample" in to the doc yesterday to verify there were no more swimmers left following his recent vasectomy. We got the "all clear" which in my case is very good news.

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
Thanks for being interested in what my t said.

No, thank you, CT! I can now better understand the predicament you were in. I find the background story very interesting. I think it is awesome that you have found your "calling." I hope I can find out what mine is before too long! I am planning on going back to school this fall - pretty much starting all over since its been over a decade since I took my last college course - and I'm still trying to find myself and figure out what I want to be when I finally grow up. I've been considering special ed, but have some doubts whether it is a good fit for me (but that's another story). This week I am receiving training to be a substitute teacher working with the severe kids in the special ed dept at a nearby elementary school, just so I can get a better feel for it. On Monday I shadowed a teacher working with a Down Syndrome girl. I talked to my T about my experience the next day, and it so happens that my T has a grandson with Downs, and my T's daughter (the mother of this grandson) has a special ed teaching degree. Kind of coincidental. But like you, I was hesitant to ask too many personal questions.

SG-

quote:

Oh, CT...I feel overwhelmed by reading your story...all I can think of is this...if only everyone had the so-called "problem" you have...that of a big, generous, giving, concerned, caring heart...there would be no need for anyone to be in therapy.

Thanks SG, but I wouldn't go THAT far!!!

quote:

And yes, your usage of rackafrackin' was perfect.

WOOT!!!

quote:

p.s. Don't even want to THINK about HOW they "count" them...ew.

I'd like to second your ew!!! Wouldn't you hate for that to be your job description? "Hi, my name is so-and-so and I'm a Spermy Counter. Please blow your load so I can pay my bills. Kthanksbye."

quote:

p.s. again: Who/what is "Cesar Milan"?

Cesar has a show on Animal Planet called "the dog whisperer." He can make just about any dog do any thing. And he is ADORABLE!!

MH-

quote:

I don't know HOW they count them, but I'm glad they've figured out a way. My DH had to take a "sample" in to the doc yesterday to verify there were no more swimmers left following his recent vasectomy. We got the "all clear" which in my case is very good news

I'm glad you got the all clear!! I guess there is a good reason to be a "spermy counter"!! BTW, what do you mean DH? I assume your husband? Everytime I read it though I think- in baseball terms- of "designated hitter." This connotation really made the above part of your last post pretty amusing to me... your designated hitter cannot impregnate you now! LOL hahha!

And that's so interesting about your t's grandson! Isn't it strange how things work out sometimes??? I hope you enjoy the special ed program, it can be so rewarding at times and so difficult at other times... you'll find your niche though, and it will be so worth it!

-CT

quote:

Thanks SG, but I wouldn't go THAT far!!!

Well I would. And I did. So there. Neener neener.

quote:

"Hi, my name is so-and-so and I'm a Spermy Counter. Please blow your load so I can pay my bills. Kthanksbye."

ROTFLMAO!!! Stop it, please...you are killing me.

quote:

BTW, what do you mean DH? I assume your husband? Everytime I read it though I think- in baseball terms- of "designated hitter." This connotation really made the above part of your last post pretty amusing to me... you're designated hitter cannot impregnate you now!

Ow. My sides hurt. And my face. From laughing.

You really do have a delightful sense of humor, CT...

SG

quote:

You really do have a delightful sense of humor, CT... Smiler

I second that! I don't think I can ever use the term "DH" again!

Thanks guys!

Btw, MH, what were you meaning when you said DH? I'd like to know if you don't mind sharing!



-CT

DH = dear husband