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6 replies

Do you vent in therapy?

heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Recently T has been pushing me in therapy a bit more than she has in the past, in that she has been pointing out my defense mechanisms more. These are things she's spoken to me about before, but I notice now she's quicker to point out when I'm using them in the moment.

One defense mechanism I use a lot is intellectualizing. Strange word because it sounds brilliant, but it's really just me talking about feelings instead of from feelings, or being third person about it all, attempting to analyze myself and my family.

Another thing she has mentioned frequently is minimizing. At first it was easy for me to dismiss this charge because it seemed so arbitrary. Minimizing according to whom? Or according to what standard? Well, it occurred to me just recently that T is a bit more subtle than that (than appealing to an imaginary objective view I mean) and that she more than likely means. . . I am minimizing the intensity of my own emotions and subjective experience. And that has a ring of truth to it.

I realize I rely on both of these defense mechanisms for a purpose-- they help me feel a little more in control of my emotions and of the therapy. It's also a distancing behavior. Things are less overwhelming that way.

I feel like now that I've identified these and figured out how and why they operate, I have the freedom that comes with perspective to now choose whether or not to use them. I've thought I would try using them in therapy less and just go with the flow more emotionally. Worry less about presenting things a certain way or pointing stuff out to T.

So, today I was resolved to be spontaneous and basically spent my session complaining, venting, and ranting at the universe. I've done a little of this in therapy before, but not with such vehemence or for so long. I wasn't trying to make connections or be insightful, I was just living some feelings in the moment and. . . bitching really. T took it all very mildly (none of it was directed at her) and said a few times that it seemed like I'd had a very tough week.

I'm not sure if this was a productive session or if there was any real point in my soliloquy of angst. I don't know if I feel better or not. More blank than anything.

Anyway, is this more like what you are "supposed" to do in therapy? What about you guys? Do you use therapy as an outlet for venting? Why or why not? Do you think it's helpful or a waste of the therapy hour?

Would love to hear any thoughts anyone may have. Smiler
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T turtleMember
When I was younger I used both of these defenses heavily. Intellectualization and minimization. I learned later that there is a TON of pain underneath these defenses. I also learned that I have a history of serious childhood abuse that I had blocked out.I found out beyond a shadow of a doubt that I grew up in a very violent family to the point of broken bones etc. So I can tell you that these defenses can be used to cover up a tremendous amount of pain. I am getting closer to feeling the pain but even still I resist.
E ericaMember
Interesting question, HIC. I don't usually vent in therapy but I can totally see how it could be useful, therapeutic, and bonding. I had a situation last year where my supervisor at my internship was a gross, narcissistic man. I did vent about him and I do think it served to bond my T and me a little. She even told me I could call her since my supervision meetings with him were always the day after therapy and I said I was also sooo frustrated at first but by the time therapy came along 6 days later, I was okay. Anyway, I never called but I could see it being helpful.

I think venting can be a little lighter than other topics, as Cat said too. This is something I'm bad at... In my "real" life, I joke around and am funny (well not hilarious but hopefully funny sometimes!). But for some reason, I can't go there with my T. I'm super serious with her 99% of the time. I have told her about my funny side but haven't really let it out in therapy. I don't know why? Probably something to do with my control issues. Maybe bringing in lighter topics, like venting about my frustrations, would help with this. I just analyze everything I say and can never really be in the moment with my T (but I can do this pretty easily with friends/family).

Thanks for making me think. And sorry for this somewhat disjointed post! Are you able to joke around with your T? Or do you mainly keep things serious and controlled? I can relate to your defenses of choice...I overuse intellectualization as well as minimization. Also, I read your other thread. Sorry you are dealing with a T who can be unreliable at times. I honestly don't know what I'd do with that. I think, yes, you can look at your past relationships and see if there are enactments going on that are resulting in your anxiety. But...I also think your feelings are SO normal. I think anyone, even without a trauma past or a dysfunctional FOO, would feel anxious when their T is inconsistent and sometimes unreliable. Therapy is built on a foundation of consistency and reliability and trust. Almost anyone would feel terrible and dysregulated. I hope I'm not minimizing your experience, but I want to normalize it! You are not crazy or out of line or making a big deal about it. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Having multiple sessions cancelled multiple weeks in a row is not okay.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
I don't think I vent very often in therapy, and if I do, then I immediately use your same defenses about it. If my T ever says something like that to me, about how things sound tough for me, it gives me massive anxiety, and I immediately go to, "Whatever, it doesn't matter." For some reason, I find it really disturbing and painful to have it validated and immediately interrogate whether it is valid when he is so kind about what I'm going through...this is for present stuff and past.

I don't tend to feel through my emotions around other people. I guess I don't feel safe to. It's amazing to me that I've started to do it with T a little bit, express things from a feeling perspective and not invalidate them. Other parts inside do much better with that than I do.

Anyway, because of insurance stuff lately and trying to keep T up-to-date on where it's at, I have been venting about that a little about that at the beginning of sessions. Or, if I've seen my family and found out some ridiculous drama that's going on, I'll vent. But, again, if he validates it or makes it meaningful in some way, I get stressed out. So, instead, he has tended to listen to a bit, validate carefully, then ask or nudge about moving onto other stuff, working with the kids, etc. Unfortunately, this is perceived as, "This topic wasn't important enough to waste our time with." I've told him that and he has reassured me that's not the case. It's a combination of my cues in response to his validation and also making sure there is enough time to contain from the other work we usually do.

Anyway, sorry if my post didn't make sense. I'm getting sick right now, so I'm pretty out of it.
S scars09Member
I vent about H all the time. The counselling room is the only place I can really vent as I am not usually that type of person, keep everything in. but with my counsellor I can let it out. Haven't got round to using choice words yet! as that is something I have never done, mother never allowed us to use bad language and I never ever have. My counsellor says it can sometimes be a good thing and I could let it happen with him, but I don't dare!!
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Hello lovely people,

I don't have time to reply individually right now, plus unfortunately am kind of fuzzy headed at the moment, but wanted to at least write briefly to thank you all for the replies. Smiler I loved reading about your sessions and how venting plays out in therapy for you. I have to say, it was kind of fun. Smiler And probably also bonding as Catalyst said, cathartic, and a good experience of being emotionally in the moment. Upon reflection, it probably was a productive session. Nice to break out of the mold for a bit, anyway.

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