Summer,
We haven't discussed the role of luck per se, but once when we were discussing my frustration with healing and especially the feeling I was focusing on my own grief in a selfish, destructive way, I expressed how I felt like,c yes, I had a bad childhood but look at my life now. That I was very blessed and had so much that wasn't it wrong to focus so much energy and attention on the past? My T told me that I am very grateful for all I have now but that didn't make the losses disappear. "AG," he said, " all the food in the world isn't going to help if you are thirsty."

If the only way we were allowed to acknowledge pain or mourn our losses was to be in more pain than anyone else, than only one person in 8 billion would have the right to mourn. Would you look at a grieving widow and say "but you have three beautiful children, look how lucky you are?"

It's understandable you're upset and feeling ashamed. It can feel incredibly invalidating to have someone treat your pain as if you're making a fuss over nothing. I am starting to wonder about his capacity and comfort level with intense emotions.

AG

I'm a little surprised your T said that about you being lucky. I would feel very invalidated. I already struggle with feeling I don't deserve to be in this much emotional pain given my middle class upbringing and the resources I have had throughout my life. I have often told my T that I feel like I'm being dramatic, making too much of a big deal about my past, etc etc. She has always responded with something like, "yeah that's true you did not live through genocide or were starving on the streets in some third world county. You grew up with resources. But that doesn't take away from the pain you are in and what your experience was." Something to that effect, anyway. It's been helpful, but I do fall back into thinking I don't deserve to suffer, given all the suffering in this world. I sometimes return to that conversation with my T and she is so patient with me. Maybe she gets frustrated but she doesn't show it. Even on this board, I sometimes feel like I don't have a right to be suffering or writing about my pain because I wasn't abused like so many others here were. So comparatively, I shouldn't be complaining. But, comparing one's pain to another's pain is unproductive and does nothing to heal your own pain.

I'm sorry your T turned to the "luck" conversation. That would not have been helpful for me at all and I would have felt like he was dismissing me. I understand your feelings of not wanting to return.

Hmm, it does sound like what your P said come off as really invalidating. If my T said something like that, I know I would be pissed off and probably go back and complain about it.

I do think it's kind of a balancing act to be able to mourn for what happened or didn't happen in the past, and also be grateful for what we have. It's true that anyone can find something to feel grateful for, and that focusing on those things can make life so much better. It's *also* true that giving ourselves enough space to grieve our losses, without having to compare them to anyone else's, is important. I guess a big task in therapy is how to integrate those two things...how to allow both the joy and pain in life and grow through those.

Have you tried to hash this out with your P? How did it go?

(((Summer)))

I had a very similar session once. I had been expressing some feelings of intense existential morbidity, and T kind of lost it with me and gave me a "count your blessings" lecture. I don't think she actually used the word lucky, but she enumerated some of the good things in my life, and told me that a lot of people would be very glad to have those things.

I left feeling very stung, and felt disoriented about the relationship for weeks. This was very early in therapy too, just our sixth session. It remains very vivid in my memory.

I've concluded that T was having an off day and that the things I said additionally triggered her. There has never been a repeat occurrence, but honestly, I have to say this has affected the development of our relationship-- I'm hyperattuned to signs she might be about to react, and manage conversations more adroitly to avoid that. I'm careful about the way I phrase things, especially on particular topics.

I can understand if you'd rather bail, though. Keep talking it through here if you think that will help. The hurt eases when processed, I think.

quote:

My T told me that I am very grateful for all I have now but that didn't make the losses disappear. "AG," he said, " all the food in the world isn't going to help if you are thirsty."


I am starting to wonder about his capacity and comfort level with intense emotions.

I think this is so spot on. It does not matter how much you are "lucky" to have now in life, what you are working on in therapy is grieving and processing the very real losses you suffered in childhood and the loss of the trust you suffered with an unethical P in therapy. I would be very angry with my T if he invalidated my feelings and losses in such a manner. In my case I would go back to him and give him hell about it... but that is me.

I do agree with AG's question of how comfortable is he with intense emotions, especially if they focus on him and the relationship between you. His behavior reminds me of something my oldT would do. Whenever my emotions got intense he would change the damn subject or crack a joke. I found that infuriating. It was his way of deflecting the emotions so he did not have to sit with me through them, especially if he had to face that some of them involved HIM.

I'm sorry you had such an experience with your P. I'm short of advice on what to do but I would likely go back at least once more to confront him. And if you feel talking about this would be too anxiety producing then I would write it all down and then read it all to him. Making a new appointment would depend on how I thought he handled my blunt honesty and observations about what I read/said to him.

Hugs
TN

((((SUMMER)))

I read this in Kathy Steele's article on phase oriented trauma treatment and thought of your situation. I'm not sure if it will make you feel much better but here goes:

quote:

From the viewpoint of the theory of structural dissociation, counter- transference and transference and phenomena are essentially the result of low levels of integrative capacity in the clinician, the patient, or both. They are often related to attachment insecurity, projective identifica- tion, inability to mentalize, and boundary confusions. The therapist’s lowered integrative level and lack of realization of personal issues can potentially interfere with therapy. The therapist must have sufficient in- tegrative ability to remain fully present and clearly think through inter- ventions, to retain a gestalt of the entire system of dissociated parts of a single personality and their conflicts so that interventions, including use of the relationship, can be thoughtfully balanced.

Just wondering if he might be avoiding his own difficult emotions and in the process avoiding yours?