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5 replies

Does anyone else compare themselves to their T?

ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Hi everyone,

I have long been aware of the fact that I am constantly comparing myself to my T in the physical sense which always leaves me feeling horribly about my body. I do have 25 years of consistent recovery from anorexia nervosa and have always struggled with body image and hating the way I look, and feeling like my body is somehow "unacceptable" in appearance.

My T is a good 10 years older than me and I totally envy her physical appearance. She is very physically fit, has awesome skin and complexion and is just a very attractive woman. I feel like a total ICK sitting across from her. I so focus on wishing I had her appearance and hating mine even more because I almost feel physically deformed in some way and it is carrying more and more into my experience and perception of my body. When I look in the mirror all I see is this disgusting nasty body that even clothes doesn't hide anymore. Is this an ED thing or do other people without an ED find themselves comparing themselves and hating their appearance even more because they feel ICK in comparison to their therapist.

I could never talk to her about this. I can't really talk to anyone about how I perceive my body and my appearance because I am too embarressed and to be honest, I am afraid I am right. I am unattractive, and not aging well, and I hate my body. I am ashamed to be seen. I try to cover up as much of my body as I can. I would love to wear shorts in the summer time because it is so hot where I live. I would love to wear tank tops and feel confident enough about my body to put on a bathing suit and jump in the pool or go to the beach, but I always have this image in my head of T and her body and how good she looks, and I feel horrible SHAME.

I am so embarressed about posting this but the good thing is that no one in cyber space knows what I look like!

Any feed back would be appreciated.
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catalystcatalystMember
I compare myself physically to my therapists. I am a small human... My Ts are 20years older and look normal and pretty. My ED makes me conpare constantly, I cannot tell the difference between my body size and anyone else. I think my Ts are confident and I often wish I could "look like them".

I try to normalize with my T sometimes.,, and as I've experienced her as a regular human being I've realized that we're quite the same and a lot of it has been idealization at times.

(((GG))) I'm sorry you are struggling Frowner
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Thank you Draggers and Cat,

I am sorry that you experience the same thing, but it helps me a bit knowing I am not alone.

I have never had a positive body image and now that I am in my mid 40's it is getting worse.

Feeling really miserable in my body and rather intolerant of it. I just want to hide so no one sees how horrible I look.

Oh well, that is the way it always has been and the way it always will be.
athenacusathenacusMember
ghost girl,

I have compared myself to both of my T's (former and current). My former T is incredibly beautiful with a skinny and well toned body, amazing complexion, and awesome hair. She is about two inches taller than I. Former T also has great styles in clothes. She sometimes acts and looks like people around my age (38-45), but she really is about 18 years older than I am.
I want to look like that now and when I'm her age.

My current T is nice looking, has more of an earthy colored wardrobe, is thin and has been in shape due to practicing yoga and going biking.
I compare myself to her more on her level of faith and confidence versus mine.

Just letting you know you are once again not alone.
I wish you the best!
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Good topic, GG. Well, since my T is a middle aged man with a small spare tire around the middle and graying hair... no I do not compare myself to him.

BUT... I do compare myself to his wife who has an office two inches from his and I see with him outside after my sessions. As I have written on here, seeing her sends me into such a tailspin of anxiety and depression that I have no idea how to handle. She is a nutritionist and is obsessed with healthy eating (which I am not Roll Eyes). She is tall, very thin, blonde, young, fairly wealthy and has a graduate degree (which I am prevented from attaining). If I happen to see her before getting into my T's office, I am very dissociative, especially from my body. It's like I totally separate and I am just a floating head with no body. And it shuts me down to the point that I cannot do more than make small talk with T. I am prevented by her presence from talking about some really big issues because I am thinking he's thinking "what a freaking mess you are, you should be more like my wife, she's perfect".

His wife is also friends with a friend of mine and my female boss (they don't know that I know) so I see her on Facebook and she is always socializing, going to parties and social events around town and is networking (for her business). I have a very small social life and certainly don't attend formal parties given by the affluent in my area.

Just yesterday I began to talk about some of my fears to T in regard to his wife and how hard it is to work on our relationship and believe it's real when his real life is in my face all the time.

So, gg, I can totally relate to what you are dealing with. As my good friend would say, it's something you should talk to T about. But I do understand the topic is excruciating and I am not really able to do this myself either.

TN
L lieseMember
I don't know if I compared myself to my T but I felt devalued by him so on some level I must have. I do know that I got tired of feeling devalued. I got tired of feeling less than. The truth is there are people who make friends more easily than I do and people who have nicer houses and more money. But this is who I am. Why do I keep knocking myself for what I am not? If I stay true to who I am without judging, there is a lot less pain involved. I was spending too much energy crying over who I wasn't that I couldn't put the energy into being who I am and making that person the absolute best person she can be.

I hope no one feels like I am minimizing their issues. I felt so much pain over feeling less than that it stirs up a lot of stuff in me. I can't even go to those thoughts anymore because I am so tired of them. They are too heavy to carry around and I think they belonged to someone else initially anyway. I don't want them anymore.

LOVE ME ANYWAYS, I say!

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