JM,

I have often felt overwhelmed by my need for connection and companionship and for someone to talk to. I have tried so hard to "break out of my shell" and befriend people but I just can't seem to really connect with anyone on a deeper level. I am so afraid of embarrassment and rejection that sometimes my jaw is literally frozen when I try to talk to someone no matter how badly I might want to.

After two years with my present T I have finally begun to fully trust her and feel safe. I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to get to this place but the deeply ingrained patterns of self protection that I needed to survive as a child are not easily moved aside. When they do though and I can finally get something out that has tormented me for so long and have it be met with gentleness and understanding by my T I feel better than I can describe. So I can easily see why I miss her so much and wish I could see her more often. And why I want so deeply to give her back as much as she gives me. I can't though and I find that frustrating.

Maybe you need to be able to talk about things in your life more than just once a week to help lift the weight. This forum has does this for me during this particularly difficult time in my life right now. Tell us more. We are listening.

sounds to me like you're depressed... but we're here listening.

robin

Thanks for responding River.

I have @ different times gone to therapy twice a week and even two hour sessions as I was working through multiple trauma issues. I certainly feel that I would benefit by going twice a week right now, especially since I seem to have the hardest time and issues surfacing the day after my session. But my insurance has run out for the year and it is all out of pocket until the new year.

I have found myself in a place where my realtionship w/ my T has become more profund than ever. We had discussed termination a few months ago when we completed the "trauma phase" but after an intense grieving on my part she told me that it is my choice that if I am not ready I don't have to terminate. That eliminated a lot of the grief, but I am still in a heavy depression. I have some fine tuning as I call it to be done in working out current realtionship and past maternal issues, and my relationship w/ my T seems to be working great for that. However, there seems to be something I am holding on to that is preventing me from coming out of my box (or comfort zone) so to speak.

Thanks for listening. I really do need that right now. I feel that I am too much of a burden on my friends. Though they tell me that's not true & that is just my projecting that, I still tend to isolate myself. I am glad I found this forum. I give a lot of credit to Shrinklady for taking the time to set this up and even responding to posts despite her professional schedule. I appreciate the understanding from others who suffer similar to me. (I am not alone)

You're right Robin. I am depressed. I have been for a few months. That is what baffles me. Last December/January I was on top of the world. I had worked through my traumas and felt good about myself and that I could actually breath w/o it being painful and live a life and not just struggle to exist. But something happened. Like I told River, I seem to be holding onto something. As if I am afraid to be happy or afraid to not be miserable as I had become accustomed to. It felt so good those two months that I cannot imagine sabotaging that. But my T explained that it is not a conscious decison we make. She has assured me that I can continue to have a realtonship w/ her and come to therapy as long as I feel I need to come.

Yesterday was one of those days of hopless feelings. As if I will never attain true happiness so what's the use. I am doing a little better today and after a 20 min phone call w/ my T she reminded me that I do have a choice and it takes effort to come out of my box and to stay out of my box. She is right there and right on. I know that and yet hearing her say it seems to be what I still need from time to time. It's like a toddler learning how to walk as the parents encourage each wobbly unsure step until the toddler realizes that even though they may fall & it may even hurt a little, walking is better than sitting and crying about it. But the parents continue to guide that toddler until the toddler no longer needs it.

Anyway, sorry to rattle on. And thanks so much for listening.

baby steps... my T says that a lot! It's a lot of 3 steps forward, 1 step back at times.

Weather also effects us a lot... it's been a very rainy summer here which brings us down. And fall (oct) is always a hard time.

Robin

Yea, it feels like several steps back lately.

quote:

As if I am afraid to be happy or afraid to not be miserable as I had become accustomed to

I think sometimes when we change our behaviours, we also are afraid of them. It is more comfortable to behave as one is used to. And it can be a scary feeling to change... any type of change! It's not 'sabotaging' (sp?) exactly, at least I don't think so. Have you ever seen a baby learn to walk? Sometimes they just get fed up with it all and crawl again for a while... until they realize they can try again, and that's it IS worth all the effort (and pain).

Antoni
p.s. does USA have Labour Day as a holiday?

Antoni,

Yes, the US also has its Labor Day holiday today.