Hi incognito,
OK, first off, you are NOT asking too many questions. Actually, you're asking really good questions about issues that most people in therapy struggle with, so discussing the issues and getting everyone's input helps all of us. I don't want you worrying about that.
So, good question!
I think communicating outside of sessions is a difficult subject for anyone in therapy because its so bound up in the boundaries of the theraputic relationship. Its further complicated by the fact that how things are handled vary by therapist. They don't all handle it the same way.
It sounds like your therapist is being a little vague about where those boundaries fall. There's a good reason for this. How we react tothe boundaries and what we chose to do to make contact can be important information that can be used in therapy. If he gives you too rigid a definition, you may feel very constrained and he could lose valuable information. On the other hand, the fact that it is so vague is bothering you if also very valuable information and would be good to discuss.
One of the confusing things about therapy, especially when there is a strong transference is that you keep thinking you need to talk about your "issues" while it seems like all your time and attention are going to your relationship with your therapist. But that's how it works. You will actually live out or "enact" your unconscious, implicit relationship patterns with your therapist. But in this unique relationship you have both a deliberately self-aware person concentrated on your needs and the ability to dissect and examine the relationship in ways which could be very threatening for other types of relationships. How you react to your therapist, how you feel about your therapist, what you want from him, how you feel about his actions are exactly the places from which you'll be able to learn about yourself. I have found that the more open I can be with my T, the more work that gets done. A lot of my progess has been from pursuing a lot of these issues.
Now, that is SO much easier said then done, and their is an unspeakably high anxiety level involved. I know for myself, no matter how reassuring my T is about it (and trust me the man kills himself being reassuring about it) I still struggle when I feel the need to contact him. And that period of time between when you initiate contact and hear back can be hellish in the extreme. I think we are so primed for rejection and disaster but at the same time so wildly hopeful that something different will occur that its emotionally exhausting. And you spend half your time trying to calm your fears to feel safer and half the time trying to calm your hopes so you aren't so dissappointed when the seemingly inevitable disaster occurs.
But I don'think you're trying to sabotage yoursself at all, although I know I've definitely felt that way on plenty of occassions. Actually, you're learning to do relationships in a new way and an important part of that is learning that you can make your needs known, for contact and for reassurance, a chance to communicate gratitude, and have that be acted on or accepted are a very important part of healing. That's the really good side of communicating outside of sessions.
For me, there was also the realization at one point that I was using the contacts, especially the emails as a way to try and elicit emotional responses from my T that were outside the boundaries. I really struggle sometimes (read that MOST of the time) with the desire to be special to my therapist and to belong to him in a way which would tie us beyond just therapy. Those desires are much more about what I didn't have as a child but get acted out in our relationship. My T is amazing about phone calls. If I call and leave an emergency message, he calls back within an hour. He's lousy about answering emails however (ok, he's not perfect, I'm admitting it
) so I've learned to use email only when I'm not as worried about timing, but I learned it the hard way. At one point, I was emailing him fairly regularly (usually once between sessions) and on a particular occasion I poured my heart out about something he had disclosed about his relationship with his dad in a couples session (he did so because it was very helpful for my husband. He does self-disclose but ONLY when its for the benefit of the patient). When I say poured my heart out, I mean I poured my heart out. He didn't answer for three days. By the time the reply came I was frantic. I opened the reply, heart in my mouth, to see "Thank you." If he had been in front of me I think I would have ripped his arm off and beat him over the head with it.
I was so frustrated it felt like my head was going to explode.
So my next session I talked to him about how agonzing it was to wait for email but even worse how horrible it was getting that terse reply. He said this was a really good example to talk about because he had really thought very carefully before answering my email. He went through the email and explained why he said what he did. And that's when I had to come face to face with the fact that what I was really wanting was for him to open up emotionally about what he was feeling, to be more "equal" with him. We had a really good discussion about how frustrating the theraputic relationship can be. I told him it was like hurling myself against a wall trying to get a door to open and nothing happened. The healing part was that he was able to hear how I felt and really understand it, even validate it while not moving the boundaries. But how I reacted to those boundaries told me alot about myself.
Sorry, I've been doing a lot of pondering about boundaries lately so I'm afraid it tripped off a very long response. Having to wade through this post will teach you not to ask questions!
I do want to reassure though that judging from your posts, you're doing really well and working hard at your therapy. But it usually doesn't feel like that when you're doing it. But trust me, it looks pretty obvious from the outside.
AG
