Hi Russ,

I have a situation that is similar in some respects, but also includes addiction issues. There is a legacy of enmeshment (sometimes called "emotional incest") on my mom's side of the family. Growing up is considered a bad thing, an insult to the rest of the family. They are not "bad" people, just sick. A friend of mine used to remind me "You can't have healthy relationships with sick people." For me the solution has been 1) setting healthy boundaries to keep myself sane, and 2) coping with the inevitable backlash from my mom.

The demand for a weekly call sounds very familiar. In our family, it is considered neglectful and offensive to have a life that doesn't include everyone else. If I go longer than a week without seeing my grandmother, I inevitably hear "It's been so LONG since I've seen you!" And then the guilt trip follows. In addition, their children (my mother and her brother) have never really grown up. Both have addictions to spending, gambling, alcohol, and drugs. As a result, neither of them are financially independent. Both are divorced and in their 50's.

I spent the past three years dealing intensely with my mother's return to alcohol addiction, trying to give her a "leg up" so she could get back on the road to recovery. Giving her money (1000's of dollars) that would never be paid back, trips to treatment, rescuing her from binges (including one suicide attempt), etc. I knew I was possibly enabling her, but what could I do, right? She's my mom, after all. How can I just let her suffer?

One day earlier this year, she called from treatment to ask if she could stay overnight at our house for the weekend (she had nowhere else to stay because she'd lost her apartment). This was the second request in a month, and the first weekend stay hadn't gone well. I decided to set a boundary and asked her if she could ask one of my other two siblings in the area instead. This was met with a very cold, sarcastic, "wounded" response (sounds very similar to your mother's response).

Two things happened then. One is that I felt a wave of cold fear wash over me, as it ALWAYS does when she uses that tone of voice. When that happens, I know I've got about 90 seconds before I'm a sobbing mess. This is a totally involuntary, limbic response to fear of abandonment - one of the very things I'm in therapy for. Our relationship has always been a troubled one because I never really attached to her at all, for a variety of reasons. Even today, when I've really attached to someone (which rarely happens, most recent is my T), and they give any indication at all that I've displeased them, EXACTLY the same thing happens, and it's WAY out of proportion to to the situation. This just happened between me and my T last week.

The other thing that happened, before I started crying, is that I finally realized that she's never going to "get" it. I can't possibly help her enough - my help isn't helping. So the detachment came suddenly with a very loud SNAP. I decided I'm going to live my life for myself and I'm not going to try to take care of her any more.

She was very offended by my refusal of her request. I didn't hear from her for quite a while, and she gave me a very cold shoulder at a birthday party for my niece. I recently asked her to watch our kids for a little while, and we had a nice talk. She's finally venturing out and making some friends. She joined the YMCA, and had plans which meant she couldn't watch my kids. That is a major breakthrough. She still slipped a little guilt trip in there...but it doesn't bother me anymore. I see that she's getting a little healthier, and I'm getting a little saner (relatively speaking of course ) since I set healthy boundaries, and that just motivates me to keep those boundaries right where they are.

So that's a small part of my experience with toxic parents. Like I said, the details are a little different than yours, but hopefully there's something here that might be useful to you. Don't feel bad about setting healthy boundaries for yourself, and don't let her guilt you into changing them. You are helping both of you by setting the healthy boundaries. Just don't expect her to thank you for it

Good luck!
SG

Hello Russ and SG:

While I understand where you both are coming from....I lost my mother to cancer in 2004...she wasn't Mary Poppins perfect either...but, I would give anything to have even a "repressed, passive aggressive, hostile, sneering, mocking mother" than not one at all...

Sara

Strummergirl,

Thanks for the wonderful response. We have a lot in common, not the least of which being the idea that "it is considered neglectful and offensive to have a life that doesn't include everyone else," at least from my mother's perspective. And isn't amazing what power one's mother's tone of voice has? So much can be conveyed with the slightest inflection in tone.

I'm fortunate that substance abuse is not a part of the picture with my mother. It sounds like you've dealt with some terrible experiences with your mother's addiction. I do have two sisters who married alcoholics and who've been through hell with that, so I've heard some of the stories. A very hard thing to deal with.

Thanks for the advice about boundaries. I really need to start doing this.

Sarah, I'm very sorry about you losing your mother. I would like to clarify that the fact that I'm angry with mine doesn't mean I wish she was gone or that I don't love her. It's not that black and white.

Russ

Hi Russ,
It's good to hear from you! I can totally relate to what you're going through with your mom (and you too SG and Summer!) I actually had a much more difficult time working through my feelings about my mom than I did with my dad even though he was the one who abused me. She was my mother and left me unprotected.

My mom is difficult to deal with because there is a HUGE list of unspoken rules that must be obeyed. And there are all kinds of expectations that are all about my mother's needs while totally ignoring the fact that there is a PERSON on the other end of the relationship. It has taken me years to be able to see my mother clearly because I kept trying to get what I wanted from her, the care and closeness and love. Do NOT get me wrong, my mother loves me and I love her but she is so wrapped up in her own pain that she cannot see anyone else. The only way to be connected with her is to do so on her terms and her way. I finally came to terms with accepting that my mother is who she is and that isn't always who I want her to be. And that I will not be seen by her the way I want to seen or known the way I want to know me. It is a real loss. But accepting that I couldn't get what I wanted freed me up to make MY decisions about what I was willing to do in the relationship NOT just acquiese to demands made by my mother.

A few years ago we lost my very beloved mother in law and my mom never so much as sent a card. I was so angry that I didn't speak to her for a year. (We were already at a distance because I had asked her for some space while I dealt with my feelings in therapy.) After much soul searching and talking with my therapist I decided that in order to be the person I want to be, I wanted a relationship with my mom. BUT and this was a biggie, I had to come to terms with not having the relationship I wanted because she wasn't capable/willing to do so.

So I went to see her for the first time in a few years on our last trip to Florida (my mom had relocated there a couple years ago) and something amazing happened. I called and told her I was coming to visit but I had already made the decision that I was only coming for the day and my husband wasn't coming. My mother applied a lot of pressure about staying overnight but I was really clear about what I was willing to do. (And I had a huge amount of support from my T about the visit, we spent my last session before getting me prepared and I emailed him several times around the visit). So my daughter and I went for the day and it was a VERY different experience with my mom.

I was able to realize that I really do love her and that she is incredibly important to me, she's my mother. But I was also able to clearly see what was missing from the relationship. I was there for nine hours and she did not ask me ONE question about my life. The only info she heard from me was what I volunteered. She does NOT see me, she sees the construct she has in her head with my name. But that is incredibly freeing to realize because that means that her opinion of me has nothing to do with me and frees me up from pleasing her.

When I left I was able to be very sad about what was missing but not trying to deny that it was missing and not avoiding that pain also allowed me to be present with her in a way I wasn't able to be before so that I could take in the good that was present.

Sorry, didn't mean to make this all about me. What I'm really trying to say is that I've been where you've been and I understand your anger. Your needs and desires are being ignored and you're being manipulated into behaving the way she wants you to. You should be angry! You deserve to be a person and have your boundaries respected even if you're mother doesn't get that. But you have to do the difficult work of letting go of the mother you want her to be so that you take back your power in the relationship. But the fact that you are both feeling this way and are able to acknowledge it is a huge step forward!

AG

Summer and AG,

Thanks for the great responses. This is all so helpful to hear.

Summer, it took me a very long time to see that my mother, like yours, is very very angry. And like you, I'm not sure where it comes from, but it sure is there, in spades, and it comes out despite her efforts to keep it all inside.

AG,

Here's what stands out to me from your post:

"...unspoken rules that must be obeyed..."

"The only way to be connected with her is to do so on her terms and her way."

"She does NOT see me, she sees the construct she has in her head with my name."

"I really do love her and that she is incredibly important to me, she's my mother..."

These all apply to me so well. I'm learning a lot about passive dependence in therapy lately, and I can see it at work in my life and in other peoples' experiences with their parents. Maybe it applies to you, too.

The idea that in a relationship, one has a very strict structure in mind for getting what one wants out of it, and when those parameters are stepped over or violated in any way, it creates immense anger because what is desired above all else is compliance to the structure without having to play an active role in it. I depend on you to fulfill my needs, but I don't really want to fulfill any of yours. I'd rather be passive about getting my dependencies met. And if you stray from what I want, I will use all manner of emotional manipulation to get you back in line.

And so it is with our parents a lot of the time. Your mom wants things from you without taking much of an interest in the actual you. My mom wants compliance without considering that treating my like a disobedient 11 year old might not be the best things for me.

Cheers,
Russ