Hi, Joie. I have this experience too. I have it with my H whenever he travels and occasionally with my T as well. For me, it was a lot of attaching to people and then them leaving (my mom had several marriages and even more partners in and out of her life). My instinct when I start getting attached to someone, allowing any sort of "need" for them, is it will be punished by them being taken away. Since both T and H have proven they're not leaving in the voluntary sense, the immediate next fear is that they will be taken away by God or fate, because I made the mistake of needing.

I wish I had any insight to offer, but mostly I have just to sit with it. Sometimes I find myself walking through how I would deal with it, who I could turn to. That usually actually just makes things worse. The best I can do is to remind myself that it probably won't happen and wait and see. It isn't all the time that I worry about T like that, and I haven't quite figured out what the exact triggers are yet. I think if I could figure out the trigger, what specifically is setting it off, what it is reminding me of, it might help.

Thanks for your response Yaku. I'm sorry you also have this experience.

That's the thing: someone can say they won't leave, but then there are all the things that are out of both parties' control.

That's more or less the strategy I try to take. I think thinking too much about the details of what I'd do/how I'd feel would also make it worse for me by causing more panic. I've noticed one of my big triggers for those feelings is bad weather (storms, snow, etc.). Not much I can do about that unfortunately! I guess it's a matter of simply accepting that some things are out of our control?

Hi Joie,

I kind of understand this and I'm sorry you worry so much. It is hard to let go that we cannot control others... or fate, or many things. As my T would say 'stay in now'. It's hard, especially with anxiety/fear not to be in tomorrow, or next week. I do this a lot.

Just because of some of my experiences I tend to believe people don't go away no matter what, or if they do... I've been in a place where it didn't matter (I tend not to attach or fixate, but I can sometimes). I think it would be very scary to attach powerfully and fixate - I can definitely see how it would be terrifying to think of losing something like that.

I care deeply about lots of people and sometimes I do imagine if they would be gone or worry about them or their families (or my friends, or bother, or coworkers, or Ts or everyone!) to the point of crying sometimes. I'd say I muse on this maybe once or twice a month when I'm sorting through my prayers so to speak. I have a huge problem with empathy. Anytime people go on long driving trips (and T1 goes on one every weekend just about) I do have anxiety until I know they are back where they are supposed to be. So I do understand pre-feeling a sense of loss. It's awful.

I tend not to extend in to thinking about how bad I would feel for me or what I'd do I just get looped in to almost feeling like I 'just found out' they died or something. Even when I was a little kid (ESPECIALLY on new years... oh man I HATE new years) I would stay up all night crying over my parents as if they'd literally just died. It makes it hard to move through or resolve.

I'm really sorry you feel this way so much and am glad you are talking to your T! It does sound like a fear of abandonment in a lot of ways because the focus is on how damaging it would be for you, how much you would lose or would be taken away from you personally. Which makes sense, and sorry if I'm off the mark here, but to me when the focus is on loss in that way it is abandonment. People look at death and loss from many (and multiple) angles. With a focus on what you'll lose I think maybe... working with your T on your strengths, in feeling like maybe you can make it on your own (not the life/death need stuff which is part of attachment stuff) and the focus would shift to something else (or not) but maybe the feelings would be less intense because there isn't the terror/haunt of abandonment.

Sorry I'm not sure if i'm making sense. I just think when there is that extra attachment stuff going on w/ death/worry it makes it that much harder and I feel for you.

My story is everything that Yakusoku said above.

Now that my T has proven she is there for me above and beyond what I expected, I am feeling much more secure with her and I am worrying less. She knows I worry and keeps reassuring me that she is there for me.

It takes time
SD

Hi Joie,

I worry about my T too. Whenever there is a fatal accident written up in the paper, I always check to make sure he wasn't involved. I used to worry from 10 a.m. till 10:30 a.m. on appointment days that this office would call to cancel my appointment because something happened to T. He starts to see clients at 10:30 so if I didn't hear from his office by then, I knew everything was okay.

As the others have said, it does get better with time. I think it's as you said. Your T is your main source of emotional support that it would be heartbreaking if something happened to her. I would still be terribly upset if something happened to my T but I don't worry about it as much any more.

Liese

Hi Joie

When I read your post I realised that I could have written those first two paragraphs almost word for word myself.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing these feelings as well. Like you I have a mum who was and still is totally emotionally unavailable - for reasons not yet apparent to me. I too attach very quickly and strongly to people, women in particular, and then fixate totally on them. Just a simple friendly smile or a kind word is often enough to trigger an attachment. Again like you, T is my main source of emotional support.

The main difference I have, is the fact that I do have a basis for worrying about T. I discovered on one of my google stalking sessions that T was born with an incurable inherited life shortening illness. The weekend when I found that out will be imprinted on my mind for ever; I was totally and utterly devastated. I had formed this strong attachment and now it was in real danger of being taken away. Knowing little about the illness, I had to google that as well only to discover that T had already passed the average life expectancy of someone with it by three years.

I told T I knew of all this at my next session and she assured me that I shouldn't worry, she was well versed in living with it, although I know she has her own fears at the results of the regular tests she has. It has become an established part of each session that I ask how she has been feeling, and at some point I will have to face her going into hospital for more intensive medication. The fact she tells me she would be safer and better cared for in hospital just doesn't seem to sink in with me.

I haven't yet been able to even consider how any of this would or will affect me; all of my worries are centred on her. I have developed this very protective attitude towards her, and constantly worry that her safety or her health is in danger.

I honestly don't know what the answers are but,as you rightly say, some things are totally out of our control and all we can do is keep talking to our T's about our fears and work with them on it. T tells me that as I get more people into my life and she is more on the periphery rather than the centre of my world these fears and worries will lessen. I just have to trust her on this but it is very hard.

As an aside, it was interesting you mentioned weather as a trigger, as I suffer from Anemophobia AKA Ancraophobia,but I don't believe this is connected to my worries about T in my case.

(((catalyst, SD, Liese, avoidant)))

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers.

cat- I think that's a good thing for me to work on, staying in the now where everything is all right. Like you say, a lot harder than it seems! What you said about your experience as a kid on new years really resonates with me too and reminds me of the feeling I'd get when my mom would be out at night and I'd worry she wouldn't come home, would get in an accident, would have drank too much, etc. I hope I'm understanding that correctly. It felt like it had happened already. I think I'll have to further discuss the fear of abandonment and finding that inner strength with my T in upcoming sessions. It sounds like the best possible solution.

SD- I'm so glad your T has been able to reassure you and lessen that worry. It gives me hope that in time it is something I will be able to achieve.

Liese- I do that with the news too! If I hear of an accident or see someone with the same last name, etc. I have to check extremely carefully to reassure myself that it has nothing to do with her. Again, it helps to hear that it has gotten better in time for you.

avoidant- I'm sorry you have such an understanding of this issue from personal experience. I actually seem to attach only to women as well and even the slightest show of compassion and warmth is enough for me to feel that powerful longing for them. I'm so sorry to hear about your T's illness. I can't imagine how stressful that was for you to find out and to worry about. I'm glad you are able to discuss it with her and get a bit of reassurance that she is handling it the best that she can and getting the care she needs. I agree that developing a support network is a very helpful step. I wish you both the best.
And hmm...that's interesting about the ancraophobia. I hadn't heard of the term so I looked it up. I can see how that can be very triggering.

Joie,
I'm sorry I'm so late to this thread, I've been meaning to reply for a while. I have definitely experienced these kinds of fears, even once making an emergency call to my T because I had a dream in which he died. As irrational as it was, I couldn't calm down until I talked to him and made sure he was alright. I really appreciated his patience with my feelings in this area.

And of course you're struggling with these feelings. It's at the heart of the human condition. How do I open myself to relationships, to loving someone knowing that ultimately all relationships will be severed? In other words, how do we live fully in the face of our (eventually) inevitable death.

I did a lot of work around this issue of love and pain and have written a blog post about it you might find helpful.

What I learned in therapy Lesson 5 - The relationship of love and pain

AG

Hi AG,

That's exactly it. It's about accepting that transiency does not negate value. I'm working on it!

Thank you for the blog post about love and pain (and in my case especially love and FEAR). It has given me a lot to reflect on ahead of my upcoming sessions with my T.

quote:

It's about accepting that transiency does not negate value.

What an amazingly succinct and powerful way to state it. That's it exactly! I think it's really good to take into session with you.

I am SO glad I just read this. My therapist is out of town for the weekend and I am starting to feel terrified like what if something happened to her. It's been freaking me out.

I had a dream last night that I was in the World Trade Center when an airplane crashed into it and I had to leave T behind because she was in a wheel chair and couldn't go down the stairs. (IF this happened in real life--I would have tried my for all my might to save T(even if it meant sacrificing my own life). I cried as I left her behind, but she kept telling me it was okay. UGH. (Makes me feel nauseated thinking about it).I woke up physically shaking and freaked out. This was SO terrifying and it made it worse that she's not in town right now, is flying to where she is going, and wont be back until next week. YIKES.

Sounds like a really symbolic dream of your current fears, discoveringme. I encourage you to talk about this with your T if you haven't already. It does help a bit. The fears seem to always be there though, and it's just indicative of how important they are to us.

I'm sorry you had such a terrifying dream.