Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
18 replies

Does anyone struggle with idealizing their therapist?

riverriverMember
My T is perfect. I know she it. Her husband, with whom I do marriage counseling, confirmed this last week in our session. I always suspected that she is one of those people who actually has their shit together but I didn't know for sure of course because I only know bits and pieces about her real life. But Mr. T even said so last week: "She tries hard to be perfect, that is just who she is, and my trouble is that I am often just being an ass." That is as close to an actual quote as I can remember. Of course we weren't discussing her perfection, we were discussing how my hubby's ADD affects our marriage but when Mr. T said that I think my jaw dropped.

"So, why is this a problem?" you ask. Well, I have a problem with perfect people because they make me feel so hopelessly imperfect. I know that all of you perfectionists out there can relate. My college roommate was/is perfect. I loved her but hated her too. No matter what I did she did it better and only had to work half as hard to do it. She made friends easier, had people always calling her & inviting her to things, she was more outgoing and confident and seemed to live a charmed life.

I know that it isn't good to compare yourself to others but I do because I feel so lost all of the time. I look at how other people do things so I can learn better ways of navigating through life since I didn't learn these lessons growing up. (My college roommate had great parents by the way, and her sister is her best friend.) But I have found it much easier on my ego to stay with people who are maybe just one or two steps ahead of me and not doing it all perfectly. I don't feel so "f_cked" up that way and can hold onto the hope that I'll get better at it too.

OK, back to my T. She is perfect. I don't want her to be perfect. I want her to know what she is doing and is doing it better than me but I guess I get swamped with this feeling of being unworthy and also that she can't possibly really understand my f_cked up life.

I know that there are a million things wrong with all of this and my reaction to it but I am genuinely disappointed that my T and I don't have more in common. I guess I have always seen things as "us vs them" and I didn't want T to be a "them" but the more tidbits about her life that I get the more of a "them" she seems to be.
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

puppylover 2puppylover 2Member
quote:
"She tries hard to be perfect, that is just who she is, and my trouble is that I am often just being an ass."

River

He said she "tries" hard to be perfect. Does that make her perfect? I beat myself up all the time for not being as perfect as I think I should be. Yeah, in my mind, my T is perfect. But that is because I idolize her! Roll Eyes When I whine about how I am not perfect, she tells me that it is "human" to make mistakes. And, she made a mistake in my session last week. For a few moments in the beginning of the session, she let her feelings about one of her family member's illness get to her. She recovered quickly, but because I didn't understand what was going on, I thought she was upset with me. It hurt me for 2 days until she and I could talk again and she realized her mistake. She explained it to me and apologized profusely.

To be honest with you, this made our connection stronger. She is human after all. Big Grin And I know that your T is human too. What she portrays and what is really going on inside of her, may be two different things. Wow, can't we all relate to that! At least I know I can.

So how is the college roommate doing today? Is she the president of some big company - making lots of $$? Is she the queen of perfectness? If she still "thinks" she is perfect, then she is living in a fog.

I think it is great that you hang out with people who you say are one or two steps ahead of you. You should hang out with people that you like, and that make you feel comfortable and that care about you and not so much about their "perfectness."

Have you ever asked your T if she thinks she is perfect? Maybe her husband has her on the same pedestal that you have her on. Mind you, my T is up there too. Big Grin Maybe she might even share some of the "dumb" things she has done in her lifetime if she knows how this is affecting you.

I don't know about you River, but my T is trying to hammer into my thick skull that it is ok for me to be "good enough" and not perfect.

Just some thoughts. Hope it helps. Smiler

PL
chronicallytransferredchronicallytransferredMember
Hey River-

I, too, know what it's like to idolize your T. I wondered for a while if she ever did anything wrong or if life just came easily to her. I even asked her a few times. Plus, her hubby is a T in the same office, so it's like "aww, aren't they a perfectly cute little perfect couple with a perfect marriage and have prefectly orgasmic sex?!??! Roll Eyes!

But when she suggested that she was human, I started paying more attention to stuff, instead of assuming it was a certain perfect way. The first time she screwed something up in my presence, I smiled like a fool! I was like AH-HA! you are real!

So I would definitely say ask her. Plus, do you think there is a reason people who aim for perfection bother you in general? Are you annoyed that they were taught stuff you weren't? I get jealous all the time that some parents actually teach their kids life skills, appropriate coping mechanisms AND containment of feelings?!?! It pisses me off, but eventually I'd like to be happy for other people's fortunes... eventually... not ANY time soon!!! I also wonder how things were with your mom... did she try to make you feel less than, like she was perfect and you weren't? I guess I am wondering if you are projecting something?

Anyway, for the time being, it sucks. I'm sorry this feels like a disruption with your T, but I think you need to tell her. Plus, in the effort to have good boundaries, Mr. T prolly shouldn't discuss Mrs. T in your sessions... doesn't sound like it's very helpful.

-CT
riverriverMember
Hi. I'm River. And I am a perfectionist.

I wish there was a P.A. - perfectionist's anonymous. It is an addiction of sorts. As long as I can remember I have thought that perfect = happiness, love and acceptance. Also, if I was perfect than nobody could tease me or get made at me or hate me. Yes, this is all very dysfunctional and I have tried to hard to let go of the idea that perfection exists. I've tried hard to accept my mistakes, laugh at myself, accept criticism gracefully, and to not worry about how things will turn out but I still have way too high standards for myself, higher than any I have for anyone else.

CT - There is a lot of envy involved here too. I do get jealous of my friends who had attentive parents they could trust and siblings with whom they are now friends. I especially envy my girlfriends who were loved and cherished by their fathers. I know many of us here did not have that experience. I have seen what a difference it has made in their lives and how somethings are so much easier for them than for me because of it.

My T isn't absolutely perfect and she doesn't do everything right or not acknowledge something she messes up. She has a lot of the qualities that I wish I had. She has a lot of the things I wish I had in life and she handles challenges and difficulties in ways that I wish I could. I don't think it is a bad thing to look up to your T but I feel myself taking what I know about her, putting the best possible spin on everything, and putting her on an impossibly high pedestal. I don't like doing that but with certain types of people I find it extremely hard not to.

It is my insecurities and lack of self-worth that is doing this. I don't think she is trying to be something that she isn't and she really doesn't talk about herself much. I guess there is a certain combination of qualities, talents, and circumstances that some people possess that I have come to believe is the ideal. I don't think I'll ever achieve this ideal and that is what makes me dislike them. Well, it isn't that I don't like them but rather I stay away from them so that I don't do the compare myself and come up short thing.

Is this making sense to anybody?
chronicallytransferredchronicallytransferredMember
quote:
I am genuinely disappointed that my T and I don't have more in common.


Hey River- I hope you are doing ok. I wanted to let you know that, after I posted to you last night, i thought of something else... you said that you wish you and your T had more in common, but if you are a perfectionist, and she is "tries to be perfect," maybe you have a little more in common then you think.

Anyway, it's just a thought. I am sorry that you are struggling with this, but I hope you can talk to your T about it soon.

-CT
questingquestingMember
quote:
Originally posted by River:
I guess there is a certain combination of qualities, talents, and circumstances that some people possess that I have come to believe is the ideal. I don't think I'll ever achieve this ideal and that is what makes me dislike them.


Hey River,
I can definately relate to not meeting my own ideals. My old T use to say, the beauty of ideals are YOU set them and YOU can always reset them. When I'm banging my head on a wall for not achieving perfection, I back up and ask myself if my "ideal" bar is set too high. For me knowing I have some control, (I can be a control freak, too Roll Eyes), makes me relax.

Hope you're feeling better. And I second CT, I hope you can talk to your T about this.
Questing
songbirdsongbirdMember
River,

I see myself in your description there. Being [not] perfect, god how terrible that feels all the time! Just trying to figure what perfect means in any given relationship has been so totally exhausting and confusing to me. Staying 1 step ahead of the game to avoid beatings/verbal abuse and try to just wring any drop of love from my mum I possibly could. And guess what, I never took criticism too well. It smacks of rejection.


I do get jealous and angry at people who seem to live life so easily. It’s just not fair – I’ve always bee looking for the up-side of the balance sheet, haven’t found it yet… Big Grin

quote:
So what hapened in therapy for me, because i didn't know what my T wanted from me, i couldn't give it to him and as my self worth plummeted my anxiety soared, (really soared so that most of my therapy was about trying to figure out why i was so scared my T). … it was recognising for the first time in my life that i have value just being me”


That rings a loud bell Hummingbird! I think that’s what I am just encountering. Was the scaredness there all the time??? Also, I’m just not sure I know what ’me’ really looks like. Only one thing: my tears are mine!

SB
justme 2justme 2Member
quote:
because when he told me to stay with my feelings i wanted to know what he was going to do while i was busy, i couldn't bear the though of him watching me! So in the end he sat reading a book while i panicked quietly in my chair.

I can't bear the thought of my T watching me either. Last week when she had me try drawing my emotions I sat there staring at the paper and crayon, gazing at her, looking back at the paper thinking yeah, this isn't going to work and feeling a little embaraased at the part of me that was aching to go along with it. Then other times I WANT to cry and be heard by her.
russrussMember
quote:
Originally posted by Hummingbird:
I guess this is how i started seeing the me that was so hidden under layers of fears and protection. There was more to me than just fear and the avoidance of pain. It was quite a journey though and my T is a saint he is so patient with me.
HB


Hmmmm, I'm very curious to know how long it took you to get to this point, HB. Then again, I'm not sure I really want to know Smiler. Let's see...I'm 41 now. Do you think I might stop being scared s*$tless all the time by the time I'm, say, 50?

Russ
russrussMember
quote:
Originally posted by Hummingbird:
All it takes is one second to see it Russ, one moment to glimpse it.
HB


Thanks, HB. That's just it...all I get are glimpses. I want it permanently! Smiler

Seriously, it feels like I need to have one cobbled-together, duct-taped, broken self to finally die off and have a new, truer REAL self to emerge before I get to that place. It just feels so endless.

River,

I think if my T were perfect it would annoy the hell out of me. He wouldn't be human if he was perfect. I don't think perfect humans exist. Even people with their shit together are far from perfect. Everyone has flaws, secrets and weaknesses. Everyone.

That said, I am envious of my Ts mental health, his calmness and his total lack of the kind of crap I am currently strapped with. I am also envious of his understanding of my problems. If I had his level of understanding, I'd be way farther down the road than I am.

Russ
puppylover 2puppylover 2Member
quote:
I am also envious of his understanding of my problems. If I had his level of understanding, I'd be way farther down the road than I am.

Russ

First of all, he is trained to understand people's problems. And secondly, it is much easier for anyone to look at others' problems with clarity, than it is our own. For all any of us knows, our T's may have a whole lot of stuff going on in their private lives, they are just very good at hiding it from us.

And Russ, I think you have come very far down that road. It may seem like there is still a long way to go, but look back to where you came from. It is quite a distance. Smiler

PL
catgirlcatgirlMember
quote:
Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
Plus, her hubby is a T in the same office, so it's like "aww, aren't they a perfectly cute little perfect couple with a perfect marriage and have prefectly orgasmic sex?!??! Roll Eyes!


-CT


I love this quote. It so purrrrrfectly describes how I think about my T who shares an office with her husband.

She shattered my illusion of her perfect life, though. Once, we were talking about how many hard things I had going on in my life. At the time, it was 6 things. I could seriously barely function. She said that most people start to sort of lose it when they have more than 3 big things going on. I asked her how many things she had going on in her life. She said she had 3 very difficult things going on. I was surprised, because week after week, she presented such a together person who was there exclusively for me.

I think that Therapists are trained and learn through experience to put things in their boxes. They wouldn't be able to do their jobs very well if their feelings were always taking over the session.
chronicallytransferredchronicallytransferredMember
Glad you liked the quote Catgirl! Hello by the way, I don't think I've welcomed you yet!

I think the husband and wife dynamic is so weird! I have all these random, inappropriate questions I wanna ask her about it... like "have you two ever screwed in the office?" and stuff like that. Big Grin I know it's none of my business, but I just wonder how freaking great their relationship is and if it's always been smooth-sailing for them. I doubt it has been but I still wonder.

Anyway, glad you're here.

-CT
J josephnycMember
Wow. I totally feel this way about my chiropractor. For those who don't know, I am the one who has transference with his chiropractor. I've always felt inadequate when I am around other men, but for some reason, I feel that moreso around my chiropractor. I've placed him on a pedastal and I don't know why. He is good looking and slender. He is also 13 years younger than me (he's 29, I'm 43) and dresses very nicely. He seems to be very secure and, for the most part, has his shit together, unlike me. He has a good career (obviously) and I do not. I never went to college so I have a job, not a career. I find that I am very jealous of him. I just think he's absolutely perfect except for the 2 things he does that I do not like - he gambles and he likes to drink. But somehow I manage to overlook those 2 flaws. It's just so hard to get over him and stop thinking about him.
M mrsprufrockMember
Yep, definitely struggle with the above heading but I think it's part of my low self esteem and my transference issues. Like other posters have said, we see these people as nigh perfect as they seem to have unbelievable insight into our problems and feelings. My T never gets flustered nor does he give me the impression that I'm not the centre of attention during the session. I can throw anything at him and he can take it.

However, I still find it hard to trust his feelings towards me as I have such a low opinion of myself that I find it hard to accept anyone cares about me. He has to make it clear that he wouldn't do anything to jepordise my healing process and that he doesn't judge me. All this just serves to make me think he's even better than I thought he was.

However, it is the little things that my T lets out in sessions that make me feel a little more relaxed about putting him on a pedastel, for example in today's session he recounted a time when he lost the plot with someone and it made me feel good in a weird way because it made me think, yes, he is imperfect, just like me.

Though being a total perfectionist is damn hard work in general. Nothing's ever good enough, one part of your life might be adequate but there is never enough hours in the day in which you could improve yourself.
L learningtoflyMember
I know this is an old post but thought i'd comment too....

My T is not perfect and I love that she does not try to pretend to be. She often reminds me she isn't perfect, she is human, and that she has never been the kind of person to have everything all together. Her imperfections are what makes her real to me, and what makes it possible for me to trust her. I couldn't trust someone who appeared flawless. It's hard enough to be open and vulnerable in front of my T, let alone a freaking saint. What I need in a T isn't someone who is perfect, but someone who is perfect for me, and I think that's what I've found. Today anyway!

I don't believe anyone is 100% perfect. Some people just naturally appear perfect on the surface, but I highly doubt anyone actually feels perfect inside, Ts included. It could also be the way we look at them, with such idolization, like a young child with a parent. Apparently when you're a baby/toddler you think your parents are perfect. And that probably lasts longer if they dont do anything to shatter those feelings. So its kind of understandable to idealize your T when their roles are often of the main caregiver in your life.

quote:
However, I still find it hard to trust his feelings towards me as I have such a low opinion of myself that I find it hard to accept anyone cares about me. He has to make it clear that he wouldn't do anything to jepordise my healing process and that he doesn't judge me. All this just serves to make me think he's even better than I thought he was.


I hear you there sister! That's a constant source of confusion for me. Some days I believe parts of the wonderful things she says about me but more often than that I explain it all away so it fits in with the rest of my world and what i am used to. And I know it's bad but I've decided the reason my T feels so strongly for me is that I must remind her of someone else - someone in her 'real' life. Intellectually I know she means what she says, but emotionally I just dont know how to accept it.

My T also says no matter how perfect someone is/seems, there's still no guarantee they'll be liked by everyone - she says there was even people who hated Mother Theresa.

LTF
I iamMember
Yes I have. I’ve been there. Which was pathetic.
I thought my C was a god. I thought he was a perfect human being.
When he said to me “ I am not perfect” I was very shocked and disappointed.
I thought he could rescue me from all my pains. I thought he was my super hero.

However I remember getting annoyed with his fashion senses. He had only few clothes.
I don’t think he makes that much money yet. At one point I was idealizing his black socks. I thought they were just perfect. But one day, I saw a basketball pattern on his socks which groused me out.
I didn’t want to disrespect him so instead I started to compliment on his fashion senses.
One day, he wore these really ugly torn washed jeans, he looked really unprofessional. I would say, what you wear is what you are.
I was really annoyed by his clothes, I wanted to take him shopping and pay for all his new wardrobes.
I was annoyed that much + I was idealizing him too much.

I didn’t suffer from idealizing him though… I knew that I was just going through phases and he is just a human being. Anyways, I only have bad memories about my counsellor so I thought I should start venting before I go crazy. I know you guys are excited because everyone seems to be really interested in getting insight especially from client’s perspectives. My counsellor told me that I am the best for that.
I wish he was one of the members in this café and read everything I write because he really likes getting feedback. Oh boy… I miss him so much. What the F**** ????????
I iamMember
Actually I just remembered a few things about this topic.

I didn't just idealize my counsellor.
Whatever he told me, said to me, I did it.
I was so busy impressing him and I was burning out.

If he told me to die in front of him, I would have done it.

If he told me to be his dog, I would have done that too.

When he mentioned to me about having my own space so I can work, I almost bought the house.

I was like his puppet.
I think I enjoyed it cuz I was so bored being a housewife.

pathetic, pathetic, pathetic...

I couldn't believe when he said that he tried his best to help me and that's it!

I knew that he was more than that, but I guess I was wrong and I overestimated him.

He is a human being just like me after all anyways... so now I believe him that, that was his limit and that he can't help me any more.

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×