I still ask myself this question and it's been 3 1/2 months since I stopped seeing my son's T in therapy. The painful longing is gone, but not the urge to call or email her, or feeling that I still need her in my life. I see her occasionally at my son's school or around town, and while it's great to see her, it also brings back all my feelings.

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Sometimes I wonder if the transference feelings are a type of escape from a stress in our life that we feel we cannot face alone. Just an idea.

Summer, I've thought the same thing. Circumstances in my life really stink right now, and maybe it is easier to be consumed with thoughts of her than my real-life issues. Once I didn't have to deal with my daily, all-consuming transference issues I've had to deal with real life, and it has been anything but easy.

I do think there are success stories though, where dealing head-on with the transference issues with your T brings about great growth and seems to be a good way to really understand our past issues and how they relate to our relationship problems and the way we look at ourselves.

OW

Hi Guys,
I have SO much I want to say on this thread and no time to say it!! My final turnover for the release is this Thursday, so I should be back around on next weekend. In the meantime, yes, I do think you can get through the transference, but you always have to live with the loss of what you didn't experience when you were a child. But once that loss is mourned and healed, I believe you stop looking to fulfill it, and that will lessen all the intensity of those feelings. Still a work in progress. I'll add a lot more later. I really miss everyone!!

yours in haste,
AG

Summer:
I read the book In Session recently. In fact, I still have it from the library. I don't like it. It makes me upset, because it puts my whole existence with my therapist in plain English. I was much better off before I really understood what was going on. The chapter that talks about an "adjusted love," I particularly dislike. I disagree that it's not a real love. I know that she loves me and I love her. Sure, I don't know her needs and I don't know much about her personal life. But I know this side of her and I know that she is a real person with real needs. I tell you I love her and she loves me. It's not some fake, unreal thing. It's just that is a love that has to live within boundaries. Doesn't all healthy love have to live within boundaries? It's unhealthy love that doesn't know boundaries or knows only irrational boundaries. I feel like there's so much more than transference in our relationship, and this book makes it seem that it can all be summed up by the word transference. Also, I would like to know what therapists' responses to transference are. I agree with you that it would be nice if she wrote about success stories. Maybe the book needs a sequel.

You suggest asking my T about it further, which is a good idea, and I will. But, it's terribly painful for me to talk with her about it for a number of reasons. For one thing, I feel so shameful about it. It makes it so that I usually can't bring up the issues that I need to discuss. For another thing, I'm almost afraid to resolve it, because then it will never become reality. Also, what if I work through it all and don't need her anymore? Somehow, that's scary to me. Does any of this make sense? (Wow! I've worked through so much already! Look at how much I understand about it!) She's going away for 2 weeks. I'll see her Monday, then, not again until 2 weeks from then. So, maybe, I'll wait until she gets back to discuss it more.

OW:
You talk about dealing with transference issues head on, and how this can bring great growth and help us to understand past issues.
My question is, How do you deal with it head on? What exactly does that mean? It's so painful to look at these issues. I can't imagine facing it head on! Is it this painful to everyone?

AG:
I can't wait to hear what you have to say How do you mourn this? How do you know what you need to mourn? You can't just make mourning happen, you know? It just happens to you when you're open to it. Will it just happen when I'm ready, or what?


Thanks for responding to me about this painful issue.

catgirl

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Now I know what I need and if he can't give it to me, I'll believe it is not due to any inadequacies on my part and take what I can from this experience.

I think that's the ironic thing about therapy -- we learn most from the pain we receive from within the "safe" environment. It's actually a little twisted, if you think about it, to place your trust in someone whose job it is to treat you like the whole & adequate person that you are, but are unable to wholly express themselves around you. The therapist is a one-dimensional friend, a reflection of yourself but also an embodiment of the "other." It's a fairytale, but one that you need in order to better know yourself. I am so glad that my sessions will end soon -- it's ridiculous to need someone so much when they can never need you back.

Hey Summer -- thanks for the info

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I do feel pain because my trust was broken, but hopefully I will come to realize that was due to unforeseen circumstances.

How do you feel that your trust was broken? I think that my T keeps a pretty good handle on boundaries. I've never felt that he has provided anything more than a professional relationship. I suppose that is the problem. Professionally, he cares for me, and together we are digging up this long-last woman that is strong and capable. My X-husband was so selfish that finding a male that is invested in me is too good to be true. In this way, I've begun to feel jaded. What exists between my T and I, while a real relationship, is just fluff.

I debated about quitting early but I keep having anxiety attacks (not related to therapy) and I'm one step away from being non-functional. I REALLY want to find out what is keeping me from stepping up and being authentic...I hate being afraid all of the time. I want to trust my T but I'm afraid that this coming parting will be more painful than issues in my life...

Summer

My therapy ends with the start of summer -- it's a university-bound clinic and the therapists are doctoral students who want their time to visit Europe and complete their candidacy work. In addition, my employment is up in the air. Unless I get only job available for me in this area, I may have to move back home (with my parents). My hometown is 9 hours away...there is no way to continue seeing this guy again in the fall.

How your therapist handled the situation is truly awful. I'm glad that you are seeing someone new who seems to be more honest. Do you think that it is different to be working with a female rather than a male?

Catgirl,

quote:

OW:
You talk about dealing with transference issues head on, and how this can bring great growth and help us to understand past issues.
My question is, How do you deal with it head on? What exactly does that mean? It's so painful to look at these issues. I can't imagine facing it head on! Is it this painful to everyone?

I think others on the board are great examples of handling it head on, the person that comes to mind is AG. what I mean by dealing with it head on is talking with all the feelings with your T, the object of your transference. When you risk everything by opening up to someone who is safe (thank you boundaries) and accepting of those feeling, it helps you gain your confidence and realize that opening up, taking the risk, doesn't always end badly.

I did take the risk and tell my son's T how I felt, and it was a relief when I did. I expected her to think I was nuts and to try to avoid me, but she did the opposite. She empathized with me, she apologized because she admitted she didn't keep the boundaries as tight as she should have, and she told me I could come to her anytime I needed to, even though we weren't seeing her anymore. It was very validating and I think if I could experience that validation over and over I imagine it could really help me, just like it has AG and some of the others here.

I can't deal with it head-on anymore because we don't see her. I have so many times that I feel lost and lonely, and I long for some contact with her. Luckily I do see her around town, but it's not the same as talking to her in therapy.

OW

OW,

I guess I am dealing with it head on, then. I gave my therapist a long letter, explaining how I felt about the whole thing. I told her directly that I wish she was my mom and why. After the letter, we didn't really process it much. I saw her today, but I didn't want to bring up these issues, because I won't see her again for 2 weeks. (I usually see her twice a week, plus she calls me once a week, so the idea of not seeing her for 2 weeks is killing me.) I didn't want to bring this up, and feel all weird and vulnerable and have her leave with me having these feelings. I kept it nice and light today.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I'm talking about it with her. I hope it helps!

catgirl