(((TN)))
Ohhhhh.... I feel your pain!! I have worked in two VERY abusive, dysfunctional environments. I have this feeling that almost every workplace has some level of dysfunction, but it seems there are those that take it to a whole 'nother level. One involved sexual harassment, I only stayed a month. The other sounds much like your situation of verbal abuse and degrading behavior (screaming at me in front of others, intimidation etc) I lasted a year there and ended up hospitalized from the massive toll it took. Neither place had a human resources to report to, so although I *hate* that you are dealing with this, I'm thankful there is at least somewhere to report to. You deserve so much better!

I also normalized a lot of my situations because it felt familiar, and to a point I felt I had experience in dealing with it, but it tore me apart at the same time. It is so triggering to be treated that way, I'm so sorry But I think it is so wonderful and courageous that you took the step to set boundaries at the start! I admire that so much, it shows such self protection and strength.

My advice would be to try, as hard as it will be, to do a lot of calming techniques and deep breathing tonight and in the morning. Focus on keeping an inner peace as much as possible, and keep reminding yourself that his unacceptable behavior does not reflect your value, nor do you have to tolerate it. It sounds like HR is in your corner, and that can hopefully provide a sense of comfort and reassurance.

One thing I also wonder, is it an option to have an HR member in on your meeting with your boss? Or telling your boss, (should he become confrontational) that you will not continue the discussion without another party present in the room? That would really take away his power. Most bullies really lose their bravery as soon as they realize you are not isolated, and that you will not hesitate to bring him back to accountability. Keep holding true to what you told him your boundary was of speaking to HR when mistreated, and eventually it will get through his thick skull

I am hoping it will prove to be far less stressful for you though. No matter what, just keep remembering that you deserve respect and have others in your corner at work to fight for that respect. I know it is scary, be kind with yourself this evening. Sending hugs

AH

Aw ((TN)) I'm so sorry.

I don't think yelling is good behavior at all. Our VP used to be a screamer, and it was something we lived with - not that there is an excuse but she wouldn't be berating someone rather than loudly proclaiming her frustrations at situations. My direct bosses have always been very kind people (I've had 2 male and 3 female managers - and work with a variety of directors/VPs both male and female) no one has yelled at me. I'd cry. They've gotten frustrated and direct but that happens, and is done so in a very respectful manner with everyone as far as I know (or I'd have heard, no complaint goes ungossiped in my office).

I was screamed at by an employee I was coaching in front of about 100+ people. She was angry that I had to discipline two other coworkers for making rude comments (and eye rolls, and sighs) whenever this woman would ask a question - I had to twice (once on my own, and then I eventually had to get both their manager and mine involved). Since those two got reprimanded they got mad at her, thus she got mad at me (despite already suffering from their behavior to a point she cried and had to leave for a bit - that's why/how I got involved in the first place). I do not accept demeaning behavior like that and neither do my higher ups. Nothing happened with the girl who yelled at me aside from a chat w/ her manager and myself - the two rude women were removed and worked in another area after that. It was so hard to contain not feeling embarrassed, humiliated and like a horrible human after that. I struggled w/ my ED/SH and shame after that for quite a while, it made me scared to walk around a bit even though it wasn't about me. So, I can only imagine what it is like to be berated in front of people but it's vastly different when a superior is doing it to you versus someone on a lower authoritative tier than you.

It's not normal.

I'm... just so sorry that you have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow and you don't know what it is about. That is one of my huge triggers - the impending doom stuff. With his behavior I'm not sure if it will be good or bad. If his manager spoke with him I'm assuming it is to apologize and work things out with you... I don't think someone would be addressed by their manager and turn around immediately to do a jerk thing. That would be retaliation which in most offices is a zero tolerance issue. You are allowed to address issues with your boss, and followed a proper procedure in going to your own immediate supervisor (you didn't go to his, or to just a random other person in the office, etc, so you did everything right). In the morning, if you still want to know you may want to tell your supervisor that you have a meeting with him and wonder what it might be about? It's also possible for you to ask if your immediate supervisor be invited to the meeting (such as "I was wondering if so and so could join us because I wanted her to assist in us resolving this" (always make it sound like it's for the good of the goal - not so that you have support or witnesses lol even though that's what it is sometimes)).

I hope some of this helps. I hope tomorrow he asks if you'd feel comfortable coming to him when you have feedback, and he'll try not to be an a-hole, etc. So I'm crossing my fingers your way and if he isn't kissing your feet do not be afraid to speak to your supervisor again. Retaliatory action is a major no, particularly in the future of employee reviews, salary reviews, harassment, job loss, etc.

Ugh, TN. How horrible. I hate workplace bullies and organisations that tolerate them.

I don't know if it will be - but I tend to prepare for the worst so if it does degenerate I'll be prepared, which says a lot about how hyper-vigilant I am but I find that if I don't, then I will often sit and take whatever gets dealt out and not enforce my own boundaries.

If I know I am about to go into a situation where I may need to draw a line and hold it, I often rehearse phrases to shut down a conversation that has shifted from being useful to attacking or abusive.

I will then use the 'stuck record' technique. If someone will not stop yelling, berating, or belittling then I will repeat my phrase until they stop.

If you are attacked verbally or threatened then a line could be "If you continue to talk threateningly like this, then I will leave the room and we can have this conversation when you are willing to speak to me politely/calmly"

If they carry on, then I'll make them choose "We can continue calmly, or we can reschedule."

If they go nuclear, then I'll say "Ok, this isn't working. We can talk when you are calmer." and leave.

Of course this may be worse case scenario. There are lots of situations in between.

I have only ever had to do the extreme version of this on very few occasions and each time I literally shook like a leaf and then had to go and sob somewhere private. I don't feel brave but I can fake bravery now, long enough for me to get out of a damaging situation. Maybe one day the sense of conviction will come!

Like Cat said, the other thing you might do is ask for a third party to come into the meeting so you do not end up in a 'his word against yours' situation.

The head of HR at my former workplace was actually the company bully. Clever huh? Work your way into a position where you are virtually untouchable. He did things that made my toes curl and his behaviour was generally ignored because he was so difficult to deal with. I made myself a promise that if he ever crossed my path, I would not tolerate his BS but he didn't bother me, possibly because he suspected I was not a good target. He absolutely destroyed a good friend of mine though and her manager did not support her. I was livid.

I really hope it goes okay TN.

Those "I need to speak with you" emails make my stomach drop! I've gotten quite a few from my boss as well.

In my case, they haven't been hostile, but they've been very uncomfortable. I walk into the meetings determined not to cry, and usually that helps (I then retreat to a bathroom or my classroom to explode!)

The past few years (since working with T) I've been learning to handle these situations better, as I, like you, am learning to stick up for myself and not accept the bull$@*% from others, especially my boss, who likes to target me. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated like a human, not a punching bag for your unpredictable boss.

I'll be thinking of you at 10:00, and sending you warm fuzzies (((TN)))

's TN

My current workplace is great. They really work hard to train the employees on positive communication styles. Everyone is polite. Sometimes firm but polite.

I worked in a manufacturing plant when I was in college that was awful. The sexual harassment and bullying behavior were my first experiences in the professional workplace and I was overwhelmed. I was so glad to leave that place.

I'll be thinking of you. Hopefully he is going to apologize and try to work better with you in the future.

Jillann

Hello True-North,

As I read your post, what stuck out most for me is lack of respect for you as a person. Personally, I don't give a rat's behind who the person is, what position they hold or their station in life - everyone deserves respect.

I work in the Canadian federal government and that type of behaviour simply isn't tolerated by anyone. Senior management takes great pains and expense (to the taxpayer) to provide mandatory training on workplace harassment. The message is clear at all levels.

You deserve nothing less. I think, as long as you can go into the meeting with that in mind, that may help. Being humiliated that way in front of others would be grounds for a grievance at any level.

Please keep us posted on how things go, if you feel like sharing.

I have nothing but the utmost respect for you as a member and co-moderator of this forum and as a person.

Thinking of you, TN.

The Kid

Thank you all for the really helpful relies. You all gave me confidence and strength to go back to work on Friday and deal with things. I'm sorry I haven't been back till now but I was utterly exhausted after work and then I had to go attend a school concert. I'm still tired but feeling better.

Well, I saw my supervisor early in the morning and asked her if she knew how things went between the manager and my boss. She said she didn't have details but things went okay. Nothing to worry about.

So then I went to meet with my boss at 10:30 and he seemed to be okay when we sat down. I didn't ask anyone to come with me because after hearing from all of you and my T I felt strong enough to handle things and I didn't want him to think I felt scared.

Well, first off he apologized to me. He said he should not have yelled at me and told me rather sheepishly that he has a quick temper but he doesn't mean it. So I said that is no excuse to berate and demean me in front of my co-workers ... twice in the past week. Aside from that there was NO reason. I didn't do anything wrong. And even if I did, they it would be okay to discuss it CALMLY in his office. Not in the hallway.

He agreed. We did have a miscommunication about something I had to send to a client and were not on the same page with it and he said I should have talked to him about it. I told him that it's very hard to discuss anything with him because he keeps cutting me off and interrupting. He said yeah, his wife tells him that all the time and he laughed again and said he's always in trouble. At least he admitted it so I didn't feel so crazy.

So we agreed to put it behind us and went on to talk another half hour about some routines he'd like changed and then talked about his business plan, etc. It was all very civil and forward looking. I left there exhausted but much calmer although by this time had a PILE of work on my desk from the other 2 bosses.

I don't think he's a bad person or vicious but he does have a temper and is an impossible perfectionist. He is also a bit OCD. Not easy to deal with every day. He's going on vacation week after next and that will be just like a vacation for me too.

So that is where we are now. I texted T and told him it went okay and I was doing okay too. I am so looking forward to seeing him on Monday.

Thanks again to you all. You came through quickly when I needed the support the most. What a wonderful group you are.

Hugs
TN

(((TN))) I had been following this thread, but didn't have much to contribute, because I don't feel like my work history really "counts," since it's kind of scattered...the longest I stayed in one outside the home job (left all voluntarily) was just over two years. Anyway, I'm glad the meeting went well and you stuck up for yourself even there about what was OK and not. I hope this will help your boss be more aware of how he interacts with you and in general. It could be something really good/healthy for him too...or at least that's what T tells me about confronting people and holding my boundaries, forcing them to look at their own stuff.

((((TN))))



It sounds like it went pretty well!! You are quite wonderful yourself miss TN I'm glad you were so forward with him and stood up for yourself. I'm also glad he could admit that he's sorta a buffoon. I LOVE LOVE LOVE (more than ice cream level of love here) when my boss goes on vacation... it's a weird analogy but it's like taking off tight shoes at the end of the day your feet feel like.... ahhhhhh.... that's how my whole body/mind feels when my boss is gone.

Brilliant stuff, TN - just so good!!! You faced down a hugely difficult situation, spoke your piece and made a repair - all with someone who wasn't even inside the trust of a therapeutic relationship. Colour me impressed.

I think you did an awesome job there.

((TN))
So impressed!! You really should feel proud for how wonderfully you handled this!!

Glad to hear how things turned out! Nice job holding your ground TN!

(((TN)))