Hello Russ how have you been? Nice to see you posting again.

I have to say that I don’t find your mother’s comments strange (irritating and frustrating yes but not uncommon). A lot of people don’t necessarily not remember stuff from the past, but don’t think about it as a means of protection or not wanting to deal with it, especially when it comes to how they felt about things. I had the same problems when trying to get info out of my lot - for some reason they all developed selective amnesia about the issues I was particularly interested in.

Would it be possible for you to pin her down and explain how important it is for you to know these things?

Hope you are doing ok Russ.

Lamplighter

Hi Lamplighter,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think selective amnesia is the perfect description for this. My dad does this, too.

quote:

Would it be possible for you to pin her down and explain how important it is for you to know these things?

You know, this is exactly what I need to do, for both parents. It's just so damn hard to get the courage up to do it. And I somehow think I'm being disrespectful of them for "putting them on the spot." But you're right, I need to look at it in terms of importance to me.

My T has told me numerous times in regard to getting the information out of my dad, "you have to say, 'dad, I need this information. I need to know why you left, where you went, why you came back, and why you had me.'"

My T feels that getting a clearer picture of this history will tell how my parents felt about me and about each other, which in turn will shed light on the dynamics that compelled me to develop the adaptive defenses and beliefs that may have worked then but have me in the horrible bind that I'm in today.

I guess I just need to do it.

Thanks so much Lamplighter.
Russ

Russ I do so hope you can get something out of your parents.

Don’t want to be a wet blanket but over the years I really tried to pin various members of my family down to telling me things and ended up feeling infinitely worse - they really did not want to know, and managed to turn it back on me to the point where I profoundly doubted wanting to know stuff in the first place.

But in retrospect I think the mistake I made was letting them know I needed this kind of info to help ME - had I been canny enough to just get them talking ‘in passing’ as if all I was interested in was THEIR feelings and take on things, maybe they would have let slip the odd nugget of information (doubtful, but I’d have stood a better chance of finding things out).

In the end though I’m not sure it matters that much to me. All that really matters is that I’m fucked up now and it’s because of what went on in the whole family system - I don’t really need to know why or how I just need to feel ok about and trust my own perceptions. Besides there’s not a lot of my family left alive now so it’s a bit academic

But I think you need to try - maybe just maybe you’ll learn things that really will change things for you. I do hope so.

Lamplighter

Hi dragonfly,

Sorry for the length here.

Thanks for your feedback and your advice, and I totally understand feeling like, what's the point of pumping your people for info if they aren't going to come clean. I totally agree.

But even the fact that your people (and mine, of course) are evasive or defensive or they lie or whatever is telling in a lot of ways.

I think the idea of getting information from family, at least for me, is that getting a more accurate picture of the interpersonal dynamics at the time will shed light on the beliefs that I have now. Beliefs built upon a set of imaginary fears that sure as hell feel real, but actually aren't.

My problem, in a nutshell, is that I have a set of unconscious conflicts - and I mean raging, deadly conflicts - that are causing my anxiety symptoms. These conflicts are based on beliefs that I developed for various reasons when I was a child. So I'm striving to find out how these beliefs were formed so I can see them clearly and, hopefully one day, resolve them.

Here's the idea. Like all children, I tried to connect with my mother, but two things got in the way. My mother was extremely reserved with her emotions and affections and wasn't all that available to me, but I tried getting to her anyway. At the same time, my father was dismissive, cold and frightening, and he scared the living shit out of me. And of course, my mother served at his pleasure. My mother was "his," not mine. So I formed a belief, and unconscious belief, that if I ever move toward a women for any kind of authentic connection, an internalized version of my father is waiting to kill me, thus the anxiety.

I have kind of a psychological Wizard of Oz thing happening. There's an extremely frightening beast which is lurking and waiting to kill me if I go to a certain place (namely, a real, adult relationship with a woman). This is coming into conflict with my desire to do just that, and the conflict is the source of my awful anxiety symptoms. The idea is to see the belief - the Wizard - for what it really is, which of course is nothing much. And seeing where the belief started goes back, of course, to childhood.

Anyway, I hope this makes some kind of sense. Thanks for your help!
Russ

Russ,

I don't think we have met either. Nice to "meet" you.

I don't think it is odd at all that your mother would say she doesn't remember. I agree with others that it is probably self protective on her part. I think that asking for the information is your right, but with the knowledge that it is also their right not to provide it, to lie about it or otherwise evade your efforts.

Your Wizard of Oz description makes so much sense to me. I wonder if that "beast" inside is really just a young frightened child who fears abandonment? I'm not sure what kind of work you do in T, but perhaps if you try to get in touch with that "part" of yourself you could get to the crux of the problem. From what you describe, I can certainly see why there would be issues with abandonment and attachment. Those are simple things to fix, but it can be done.

Sorry, I don't have much actual advice, but just wanted to let you know that I can relate.

quote:

Originally posted by scaredtoriskmyself:
I wonder if that "beast" inside is really just a young frightened child who fears abandonment? I'm not sure what kind of work you do in T, but perhaps if you try to get in touch with that "part" of yourself you could get to the crux of the problem. From what you describe, I can certainly see why there would be issues with abandonment and attachment.

Hi STRM,

Nice to meet you, too! There's no question that the "child" inside is deeply involved with everything.

In my therapy, we don't spend a ton of time talking about my "inner child" but there is an emphasis, for example, on how my mother's emotional reservation and void of any kind of passion for anything (including me) effected that part of me.

Also, how my father's sneering dismissiveness, distance and inability to connect on any level effected that part of me. In fact, my T described my father's treatment of me as being analogous to being shot full of holes with a shotgun. At first, I thought this was a bit over the top, but now I see that he's right.

But for me, "the beast" is an internalized version of my father that assaults the child. The idea is to see that I'm the one that has given this thing all its power, and I'm the one that can take it away, because all it really is is a set of beliefs. It's not real.

I hope this makes some kind of sense.

Russ