I ask this question because I record all my therapy sessions and listen to them days later. I record with the permission and understanding of my T and I started it because I had trouble remembering what we said in a session. Now I rarely forget what we said but I have very different experiences when I listen to the session. Usually while I listen to the session I can remember what I was thinking and feeling even if I didn't say it out loud. Occasionally I listen to the session and completely forget the feelings I had during the session so the session sounds very different to me.

Tonight I listened to my last session and it sounded completely different than I reacted at the time. In my post earlier I said that my T kept the discussion firmly in the present day when talking about my family and I was upset because he had said we would talk more about my memories. Tonight when I listened after we had talked about my trouble talking to my family and I had started to express how sad I was I heard him ask me where I was and whether the conversation had brought up anything for me. When I didn't answer he asked me if I was thinking about the conversation we just had or something else I had emailed him about or anything at else. He actually gave me plenty of opportunities to talk about what I wanted to and I didn't. I feel pretty stupid for getting angy and accusing him of something he didn't do.

I realized I try never to say what I'm thinking at the time. It is like I can't trust my thoughts. I often tell people that in any parenting situation I know that my first instinct will be wrong (usually it is what my parents would have done) and so I wait and think about what to do. I do the same thing in therapy when I think of something I clamp down and shut up and then I go away and think about whether I should talk about it and how to talk about it and then I come to some session with a plan and get frustrated when I can't talk about what I want.

Then near the end I got upset because I told my T that him being with me when I was sad wasn't enough and I didn't see the point of therapy. He said being with someone wasn't going to be able to take away the sadness and I was a little irritated because I thought I know that and why are you shoving that point in my face. Now I realize that even though I know that he can't fix me I don't believe. There is still some part of me that thinks if I only do therapy right, talk about the right things, in the right way, at the right time and I won't hurt anymore. I think I get angry at him because the reality is he can't fix it, he can't take away my childhood, and for some reason I lash out at him who is at least there for me instead of my family or even myself.

I was so upset by hearing myself get unreasonably angry at him I had to write and apologize immediately. He won't get the email until Tuesday (monday is a holiday here). I wonder how I will feel then.