I sent my T this email before my session today.

At the end of my last session we were discussing my feeling that I want things in my relationship with you that I can't ever get, like a "normal" relationship. There are specific things that I can't get and those things seem more important at different times. It feels like I shouldn't want them and that thinking about them is distracting me from what I should be working on. How does talking about those things help? What My H told me he thinks I'll stop wanting those things.

Earlier in the email I had told him that I wished he would acknowledge my birthday or actually give me a gift (it seemed very important because his birthday was two weeks ago and I agonized over what to give him). When I got to my session I talked about how the inherent inequity in the relationship was difficult for me and when it was most painful I couldn't discuss it with him because I just wanted to quit therapy so I could stop hurting. So I wanted to talk about it now because after our sessions last week I was feeling better about our relationship.

My T told me that he was really bad at remembering birthday's and he wouldn't remember unless he put it into his calendar, he had trouble remembering his mother's birthday and always forgot if it was the 2nd or 3rd day of the month. I said I understood that remembering dates was difficult for some people but that was only one example of the inherent inequity in our relationship. He didn't mention my wish for birthday present or ask me about anything else that was an example. I told him that I was upset because the inequity in our relationship and was careful not to say "I hate that you don't care as much about me as I care about you".

So my T spends a few minutes basically discussing the fact that I feel unsure of where I stand in relationships with people and what I can ask for. I make up a lot of rules about what it is okay to do (like I didn't write in the book I gave T for his birthday because then he couldn't return it). I told him signing a book is too permanent. He basically talks about how much pain it causes me and then he says nothing. I wait for him to continue hoping he will say something like "it would help to discuss what you want and how it feels when you don't get it" or "what do you think it means that I don't remember your birthday" or "did the people in your family celebrate your birthday".

After a long time he says that I must find the fact that he knows so much about me and I don't know about his life difficult. He asks me what it has been like when he does disclose things about his life. I ask him why we are talking about that. He says to discuss the inequity in the relationship. I say I'm confused because that kind of inequity isn't what I was talking about and I'm not sure how to answer. I told him it felt like he agrees with my description of why things are difficult but he doesn't offer me any answers or direction on how to address it. He says there aren't any answers we just need to explore the issue. I say I don't see the point because you don't answer the questions I do ask. He says what question aren't I answering, clarify it for me. At which point time was up. So I left and sent him an email highlighting the questions at the beginning of the post. I feel so frustrated because I am trying to talk about how I feel but he doesn't get it which just makes me feel like I must be wrong for how I feel.