No, and I don't want my T to know what I was writing here.
MH, I admire that you were so open to tell your T about this forum. I don't even want to mention it to my T. I don't want him to know that I am writing some stuff about him. Maybe one day, I don't know.

oooh scary. I would be afraid she would find it. I know - very presumptuous on my part to assume that she would even be interested, and there is the fact that she is extremely ethical with very firm & professional boundaries. Still won't tell her anytime soon - not ruling it out for someday.

I've mentioned this forum a couple of times, generally I get a really puzzled look from him. Perhaps it's because I describe it as a "support group for therapy"

I've never mentioned it to my T, she probably would think it is a good thing for me. But I don't participate enough to really be a part of it.

KS

I have told my T that I post to a forum but in general terms and he has no idea which one I'm refering to. He seems to think it's a good thing, for one that I'm reaching out to other people and two, that I receive support, especially during times when he is not available.

Hi MH. I've talked to my t about this forum before, even given her the link. I don't think she's ever looked into it though. But if she did, it wouldn't bother me because I don't write anything that I haven't already told her or anything that I don't eventaully plan on telling her. Plus, even if she did read something on here that I hadn't told her, she wouldn't tell me about it- she'd wait for me to tell her... she's all patient and controlled like that.

When I first told her about my participation here, I told her that I needed to have some people in my life who understand therapy and transference so I didn't feel all alone and crazy. She reminded me that I also need to be around people who AREN'T in therapy so that my life isn't all about therapy and her. I told her that I was cautious about my posting and relationships because (no offense intended) we are all in therapy for a reason and some of us, myself included, probably aren't the best at relationships and friendships in general. I have a propensity to be a "rescuer" so I really have to watch myself and make sure I don't get TOO involved in other people's stuff as a way of avoiding my own issues- it's hard.

At one point though, I did find myself in an unhealthy relationship with someone I had met on here, and it REALLY opened my eyes. It was a difficult experience, but it did give me an opportunity to analyze some of my relational issues in my sessions... but I prefer to save my projections and transference issues for my t these days if i can... it's much tidier to have it all in one place! lol

One thing my t did comment on, however, was a way in which I use this forum. Often, since we all are different people and have different expereiences- and different therapists- we don't all think that each others t's are "doing it right" or we don't understand the motivation of everyone else's t's. At times in the past, I've been able to describe a situation with my t, face some tough questions from you all, and then (and this is the important part) try to explain to everyone why my t is doing what she's doing (not in a defensive way). It's really helped me to get a good handle on what her perspective may be, and to get me out of "OMG SHE HATES ME AND DID XY AND Z BECAUSE I AM AN AWFUL UNLOVABLE PERSON" mode. My t said that she thinks it's a good use of this forum, and I do too!

The only thing she really seemed to worry about was that I consider my sources, you know? We all have differences and we all have to take one another with a grain of salt. I don't mean that we aren't trustworthy, honest people, but I mean that so-and-so's description of something may not hold true for me. However, I really do find solace in the fact that everyone is so open here, and so aware of the fact that everyone's experience is their own. Plus, we all know that there isn't just one way of doing something, and that there are many roads for healing. If there was a one-size-fits all solution, we'd have nothing to say! I'd also like to add that another part of what makes me feel comfortable here is the fact that I don't have to reply to everything all the time. There are enough people here to support all of us, without any one of us feeling like we HAVE to take care of anyone else. Or, if I disagree with something, get triggered, or am too busy with life off the boards, I know I'm not letting anyone down... and I really appreciate that. It's good practice for me to accept that i can't be everything for eveyone.

Sorry, I think I've written a novel. Hopfeully I've answered some of your questions or at least have provided you with another expereience.

-CT

I think this is interesting that you're asking this now because I just mentioned this to my T yesterday in my scary session and she actually said something about it being a good thing because it can help me feel connected with other people that I have things in common with and can help "normalize" my issues for me. I thought that was cool that she would say that. I would never give her the name of the website or if I were to read her any posts, I would edit names (even with white out in case she wanted to read it herself or have me leave it with her for later reading). So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't mind my T knowing that I participate in an online forum, or even sharing with her some of the information that gets shared among the members, I just wouldn't feel comfortable with her knowing which forum, as I wouldn't want her snooping around trying to find my posts and such. Good question, MH.

I wish my P knew about this site but without me having to tell him. I would love for him to know what I wrote on here because I know there is some information that would help him understand the way I see things a lot better. And I am way better at saying the things on here than I am in session. And I know that if he ever does find this place that he will know who is me because I am so specific on here about what happens in session. And I know the way he is that he would read the things I wrote and use the information to make our relationship and connection better but would not bring stuff up until I did. So I wouldnt have to be worried about him reading it and then next session wanting to bring it up. Although it might be good if he did. I also wish that he would make an account and answer some of my posts and that I would know it was him without him knowing that I know that cause I would like to see his response on some of the things I write without me having to ask him. I am hoping some day that I will be brave enough to tell him about it and tell him to come check it out, but I doubt he would.

Pippi hi

I wouln't choose to tell my T about this site - think it's good to do some aspects of therapy independently, but I wouldn't mind at all if she did find out as she's always encouraging me to try and talk a little to someone else. So she'd probably be quite proud (she's easily pleased ) that I have shared as much as I have There's nothing I've posted that she doesn't already know!!

starfish

Hi MH,
Can I just say dittos to everything CT wrote?

I've told my T about the forum and have sent him several of my posts (and some from other people with their permission) but I don't give him a link, I cut and paste into an email. My favorite was the 10 Things I learned in therapy question. (Although I deeply regret that HB's post was deleted, it was amazing!!) I told my T about it because it wasn't until I attempted to answer that question that I realized how much I had learned. He asked me to send it to him if I was comfortable. I did and got back a wonderful response; it's one of my favorite emails from him. I've never identified the site but mainly because of what CT said. My T wouldn't go looking, because he'd be waiting for me to bring whatever the issue was up in session. I remember once when I really started working with the grief (which was about a year and a half in) looking at him and saying "you could probably have told me that I needed to do this five minutes after I walked in your door." And he told me that each person gets there in a unique way and the unfolding of that path is what makes its so interesting. So yeah I would classify him under patient.

And I can honestly say that there's really nothing I've posted about here that I haven't talked to my T about. Although I do appreciate that I feel a little bit more relaxed about how I say things here. And I always appreciate the support. Just having people who understand can make a huge difference but so often people have insight and allow you to look at things in a way I wouldn't have gotten to on my own. And at other times, being able to support other people can pull me out of being overwhelmed by my own stuff. It is often when I am responding to someone else's posts that I am able to realize what I've actually learned, having to articulate it makes the lesson sink in that much further.

My T has never been discouraging about being here at all, I think he sees the support as a good thing. And I really appreciate that he is understanding if I get triggered and bring something, especially if it's about how someone else's T handles things. He's very confident in what he does while being very open about not feeling like his is the only way. It's led to some really good discussions about where his boundaries are and why. In the end, I've come to the conclusion that we're a really good theraputic match and that I can really trust how he operates even when some things can be really painful.

And thanks CT for saving me all that typing!

AG

My T has known from the beginning how important this forum has been in my therapy. I told her if it wasn't for this forum, I never would have found her. I don't think I've been able to get through a session yet without mentioning at least one of the topics currently being discussed here. This week it was the thread about eye contact. She always responds in a positive way, just enough to recognize that it's been helpful to me.

But more and more lately, I've wondered if my talking about it so much ever bothers her, as in feeling that I'm relying on this forum in ways I should be relying on her, even though she's given absolutely no indication that it does. I try to keep it short when I do mention it. And I've tried to be mindful about remembering that this is not a replacement for therapy. So far I think I'm keeping it straight.

She didn't say whether she knew of anyone else participating in this type of forum. I've never given her the URL and she's never asked. As for what I've written about my T's, it's stuff I've already talked to them about (or I'd be willing to, in the case of my previous T). But it's really good to know, if there's something I'm afraid to bring up with her, I can bring it here first to sort it out and get feedback and encouragement. I love it when others do this, and then they take the risk, and their therapy jumps forward as a result. Very cool.

CT I agree with you that we need to be cautious. Overall it seems to me that we're using this forum in a way that's consistent with its intended purpose, as support for the work we are doing in the therapy. And I feel really fortunate and grateful to be a part of it.

FOT it's good to hear from you! I'm so glad you found a P who can help you heal from what happened with your former P. I look forward to hearing about how it goes, if you're up to sharing.

SG

First- I seriously think I missed something. Why doesn't Hummingbird post any more? I have had nice conversations with her in the past, and kidded her because I tried to have HB as my name, since thay are my initials. Please Share.
When I tell my T about this forum- he just laughs. He has not really said too much about it. I'v shared a few posts with the permission of the writers, but generally he doesn't comment. Iwouldn't care if he looked at it, because he knows much of my stuff, and I really don't have stuff to hide from him.

Helle, here is a link to What Happened to Hummingbird? that explains it.

Thank you MH, I did not know.How awful. She wrote some great stuff. I will miss her.

I've never mentioned this site to my T. I did make vague mention once about "you never really know what someone is like online" (with regards to a friend I have who mainly communicates via email, although we do know each other IRL), and he agreed that this sort of communication and the relationships it forms can be tricky.

Sometimes I'm paranoid that he's visiting this site, like when he says things that make me think he's read something I've written, and I think, "How can he possibly know that??" But maybe we're just really attuned and he's smarter or more perceptive than I give him credit for.

You know if you google "transference in psychotherapy" this site is one of the first listed? That's how I found it. Hopefully shrinks don't need to google this topic!

And I miss HB, too! She posted so many insightful and helpful things on my threads, and now I wish I had copy and pasted them somewhere! Maybe she's still reading now and then? Helllooo Hummingbird... you there???

I think I probably should tell about this board. I feel like seeking some support and explanation in here is wasting some of his therapeutic efforts. Like I am trying to skip something. I will keep reading everyones stories and if I have anything wise to reply I will. But I feel I have to do something more now. Take greater risks, stay with the feelings that come up after my session.
I think when he rang me, he must have thought that he took away too many things at one go (and bad timing - 2 weeks break) and I must have felt really lost and terrified. And I felt kind of great having the best T in the world.

I think if I will be seeing him twice a week, there will be nowhere to run in between the sessions and the connection will get stronger and who knows, painfull summer ahead of me?

I should tell him what I'm doing behind his back.

no one is home, so sorry to bring up old threads, but they seem like current topics, so here goes.

question...HOW MANY OTHER sites like this are there?? i know of no other, and am not looking for one, just curious, if our T knew we were a 'webby' type (internet cruiser) would they know THIS is where we might land??

i guess i really don't think T1 would LOOK here, as i don't think he does much related to his business outside of paid hours, y'no, don't think he is much into keeping his tools too sharp with continuing ed, or extra concern for/about his patients outside of PAID TIME. ((really crappy to feel that way about the man, but i think it is true)) i just know i have shared some hurtful things about him if he read this stuff...including this thread, but just wonder if there are a number of forums like this out there that he would NEVER happen to land here and put two and two together and realize this is me....or not??

thanks!! and Y'ALL are the best so i am looking for no other 'group therapy' resource...i spend too much time here already...

Jill- if you are worried about your T reading this and discovering you- I would suggest that you use a false name and an Avatar. Obviously Mayo is not my name, and the picture is a part of a famous painting.
I don't know the answers to your other questions, but in my last session here is what my T said to me about these boards (attempting to cut and Paste

I don't know how I would feel about Mark (shhhh) reading the board. He said he wouldnt, and I can pretty well trust that. Mostly what I say here, I tell him, but he does not witness the frustration I have with him at times. (probably read it in my body language though)

that is from another thread. Hope it helps.

thanks mayo, i think i may lay low for awhile tho, the rage is too high to put out there. thanks,

I guess I couldn't ever think my T would care enough about me as a client to be reading my forum posts in his spare time- even if he did happen upon this site, start reading, put two and two together and realize that I'm one of his clients, which client I am, and then keep reading...to find out where BB is at, because he is just so fascinated with this intriguing and wonderful client, he simply has to find out more so that he can help me heal... In my dreams, maybe, but reality is always before my eyes...
Even my husband would never bother to read here, and he knows exactly where the site is, and that I post on it. He's not interested...mad as hell about it, yes, but interested....no.
Does it bother you all to think T's do/don't read here? I sometimes wonder about T's in general, I guess they could use this site as research if they were really interested in figuring more about clients in general out, and that wouldn't bother me, because they would be doing in good conscience in order to grow as therapist.... So all you T's reading this...good on you! At least you care about being the best you can be at what you do!

BB

BB -

When I was reading your post, I wondered, would it mean more to you for your T to read through things you've posted here, or possibly recognize who you are and stop reading out of privacy for you? No judgment here - simply curiosity.

And as far as Ts reading this...well, I don't care if any T stumbles across the place, so long as it's not mine. I think that it does offer a whole wealth of information for therapists, but I would be mortified if my T read what I posted here (and knew it was me). Not that it's bad that I post...I guess it's just 'one of those things.'

quote:

And as far as Ts reading this...well, I don't care if any T stumbles across the place, so long as it's not mine.

heh, I can relate to that, Kashley! As far as your other question, I think some part of me would be delighted if it thought my T was secretly poring over my forum posts. Probably the little girl in me would love that. But the rational part of me accepts that it would be more valuable if he respected my privacy. But the whole thing is a fantasy (for me anyway) so it's kind of moot. I know my T isn't reading here, though part of me is tempted to think he does....

BB

I am with you on that black bird. I like to think that just maybe my P reads the forum and is interested in what I write and would continue to read it after he figured out which one was me. And it would not take him long to know who I was. But I doubt it would ever happen and even if he did come across this sight he is not that interested in finding out what I am saying outside of therapy. I wish he did but I dont feel that I am that important to him, especially not when I am out of session.

But I think it would be cool if therapists did read up on this sight to learn stuff about how us patients actually feel. But if mine does start reading it I hope he never mentions it to me cause I would freak out.

Hey Gang-

How about you write on here (but not about the your T-or I guess you could write about em)then print it out and give it to your T, to read. Use it as the basis of your next session.

I think we should all tell them exactly how we feel about them, but let them know that we don't know why we feel this way. Let them sort it out.

Just a thought.

I am getting a bit braver in session, and I have been telling him quite a bit about what I write here. He laughs, and thinks this sie is wonderful. (by my description)

Today's true confession- My husband and I went to the beach today (we go fairly often) My T is vacationing at the beach 2 towns away from where we usually go. Well today I walked 3 miles on the beach to the town where he is vacationing. (and 3 miles back) I have done this hike before, but never when I knew he was vacationing there. I wonder what he would say if I told him that. Maybe he would say, Hele- you are a very sick woman, so I think you should come once a week instead of once every two weeks." I doubt it though. I think he would just laugh, perhaps a bit nervously.

quote:

Mayo: I'm guessing he would ask you if you thought that you might run into him and what motivated that and what you would have felt if you did.

No, I didn't think I would, and if I did, I would run away, prpbably.

I like what you said about how your T normalizes things- come to think about it, my T does that too.

He does attempt to normalize the attraction, but his version is way different than mine.

Pippi and BB -It would be comforting to know that they cared enough to learn more about us on their own time - kinda feels nurturing, but for me, I enjoy the privacy.

yep, I'm with you there. and fortunately my fantasy that my T cares about me outside of session is just that, a fantasy. I wanted to add, thanks for the advce Mayo, re: telling my T...I have told him of my attachment to him, but not sure what his thinking on the issue is. I need to get brave and just ask, I guess, but we always seem to end up talking about other issues! I love the way your T is cool with everything you say...and that hike sounds like a lot of fun, but that is one long walk! You must be in pretty good shape!

BB

Pippi, yeah it kind of feels good to dream, doesn't it? Sometimes I just can't seem to help myself. I think, oh maybe just maybe he loves me! Setup for dissapointment, but I kind of need to think it sometimes, kwim?

BB

As for being in shape- I work at it. For me exercise reduces anxiety. Sometimes I say to my family "I am going for a swim," but other times I say-" I need to swim".

I think- for me- with my T, the "BIG Disconnect" thing actually made our relationship better in some ways, but I am still afraid to talk about spiritual matters with him.

He knows it is extremely important for us not to have any bullshit- that stuff confuses and triggers me. He needs to be absolutely clear and real with me at all times- even if he is in a bad spot himself- even if it leads to a bad session, because fake stuff- masks- saying bullshit stuff is intolerable to me.

Wow- this message is getting stronger than I had intended- something must be coming up- but IDK what- it is , yet.

Mayo,

quote:

He knows it is extremely important for us not to have any bullshit- that stuff confuses and triggers me. He needs to be absolutely clear and real with me at all times- even if he is in a bad spot himself- even if it leads to a bad session, because fake stuff- masks- saying bullshit stuff is intolerable to me.

This makes me wonder if (even though it sucks) it is almost a "good" thing that your T got angry that time...at least you know he isn't full of it? Just a thought. I wonder how you can approach the spiritual thing again...it sounds like you still need to discuss it with him? It must be very diffiuclt, and the whole thing about being from different backgrounds spiritually must really complicate opening that back up again... hopefully he will be able to talk it over with sometime, or at least, talk about, talking about it. If that makes sense...

I admire your resolve to stay in shape...I wish I had such resolve myself. I hope to get there, one day, Mayo! Whenever I have been able to stick to an excercise regime, I have started to feel better. But perseverance....ah, how do you do it?

quote:

This makes me wonder if (even though it sucks) it is almost a "good" thing that your T got angry that time...at least you know he isn't full of it? Just a thought. I wonder how you can approach the spiritual thing again...it sounds like you still need to discuss it with him?

You my dear person are filled with insight. I believe you are right- I think I will mention that to him when I see him.
And he- being the wise T that he is- brings it up in small doses. I usually do not respond, but just this week for the first time, I txted him a spiritual discussion about suffering. That is the first spiritual thing I have mentioned in 3 months.

As far as perservering with exercise, it is a great anxiety reducer- especially swimming, and once I got into the routine of it, I actually liked it. I feel so good when I am finished, Kinda like a bowl of jelly.

ooo, good for you for opening up the discussion again! I'm sure you will get to a good place with this again if you keep on plugging away at in in those very wise "small doses." Sounds like a pretty cool T you have there!

BB

i have never seen a T post on here, and truthfully, i think they are so sick of me (esp T1) that he wouldn't care. and he is so lacking in continuing education on himself, that the thought of 'improving his tool' just wouldn't cross his rather thick, untuned mind.

get the picture??

really friends, have we ever seen evidence of a T speaking up in here??

i'm new, but i haven't. and dimwit, 'lack of tools' T1 of mine wouldn't spend an extra moment in concern for his patient...only as to how big of a boat he can buy vs. how sick and dependent am i on him? i know i sound angry and bitter, or at least i hope i do!! jerk!! no tools, just a listening ear. at least he stayed awake, be careful what i take for granted!! rant rant rant...

as to T3?? she is looking pretty good. tuned in to me moreso..i dunno, i think a women is going to be better for me, no 'tension' trying to impress me with his 'high school days' and stuff...and like i say, a masters in divinity...what a cover. covered an empty tool box pretty well!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wish i could get a refund.

Sorry Jill that you are struggling with your therapist. You can't have mine- I am only kidding- I am willing to share.

My T does not say much about himself, unless i ask. Here is my fantasy- I talk for an hour and he listens with that wise way about him, then he talks for an hour while stretch out on his lovely couch, then he runs errands and lets me take a nap. On the most comfortable couch in the world in his amazing office filled with lots of stuff to ground my self if need be.

(BB- if you notice my relaxed frame of mind- this is a result of swimming- lots of endorphins and relaxed muscles, that is why I swim. When the body is relaxed- the mind is much more so)

Jill, thanks for resurrecting the thread. Really, you shouldn't apologize at all! As the one who started it, I feel flattered that the topic is one of interest to you. And I appreciate everyone's input.

quote:

Originally posted by jill:
really friends, have we ever seen evidence of a T speaking up in here??

Well, there have been times I could swear that some of you here were secretly T's because of your amazing insight! But Jill, I seriously doubt it. I guess there was a time when Shrinklady used to post here often, but in the 7+ months since I joined the forum I have only seen her post once. The truth must be that we are not all that interesting. I for one would find it refreshing if T's did occasionally take time to visit here, but probably when they are done with their work day they just want to relax by getting as far away as possible from more counseling. I don't fault them for that.

Mayo (and anyone else who wants to respond ),

I think your idea of writing out my feelings for my T and then sharing them with her is good. Only problem is I don't know how to get over the fear I have about her feelings. She told me once she's willing to talk about the 'transference' stuff (I hate that word!) if I wanted to, but she's told me we could spend years on that stuff! Kind of gave me the impression that she just doesn't think it's all that important. Her view is that my attachment issues stem from childhood emotional deprivation and that in my marriage I am also emotionally deprived, so I'm focusing my needs on her as the giver or meeter of my needs hoping she can meet them even though she can't. She knows I have attachment issues and that I've gone through periods of 'spinning' about her, but she's never really asked me what it's all about, or maybe I should say I've never been willing to answer her directly or completely honestly because I fear her reaction to the truth. It's hard when you feel you'll just get the same old line of, "It's all about your primary relationships". It's like she doesn't think I can have feelings that are just about her. And I'm too ashamed to tell her I feel hurt by her reaction, that I feel my feelings have been negated, discounted, minimized...I don't know which. Now I have this attachment stuff I NEED to deal with but just can't or don't know how to and especially don't have the courage to. Ugh. I think at this point nothing terrifies me more than talking to her about my relationship with her and how I feel. I keep it all inside of me, I wear a mask with her and don't want her to see my flaws anymore. She's seen enough of them already. But how do you do therapy when you are trying to hide from your therapist? And how do you get past the desire to hide? Do you see my dilemma?

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate them, as I'm really stuck here. I started totally bawling when I read Scaredtoriskmyself's post about how she doesn't have anything to add here that her T doesn't already know and how she talks openly with her T about their relationship and her attachment to her T. If only I had that with mine. It would be wonderful and I think it's great that some people are blessed to have that. Maybe someday...

MTF

Hey MTF,

Well, I see a whole heap of problems with how your T is dealing with this 'transference stuff.' Sure, anyone could spend years talking about jack, but it sounds to me like she's scared to delve into the topic of transference. It makes me wonder if there could maybe be some sort of countertransference going on that you don't know about. She may have some sort of countertransference issue, but she could be doing a good enough job of keeping it behind wraps that she can still be 'there' with you. For the most part, at least. I wonder if she's afraid of what will happen if you do talk about transference. I'm completely and utterly speculating here, because I have no idea, but it just sounds like she's scared of it. Honestly, it seems like lots of Ts would be thrilled that a client wants to talk about the 'here-and-now' and the therapeutic relationship, because I think for most it is unarguably the most important and potent aspect of psychotherapy.

I can't blame you for wanting to hide. Again, complete speculation, but thinking about how much you want to hide given how much you've opened up to her before makes me wonder if this is a countertransference issue. Maybe she's not keeping it as much under wraps as I thought. I feel frustrated for you, MTF, because it seems like you've bared all - it doesn't seem like you should have to keep trying to find ways to open yourself up even more than you already have without your T meeting you halfway. It reminds me of this dream I had last year…I wrote about it in my journal. It had to do with a family member, and I dreamt that they were standing on the opposite side of this raging river from me, and I had to swim across it to meet them. And I was really struggling against the current, but my family member was just standing on the edge of the river bank, watching with disinterested eyes. And as I was trying to swim and reach the opposite shore where they were, I kept wondering, "Aren't they going to help me? Are they just going to stand there until I make it?" That's what I feel like it is for you - feel free to set me straight, but it's just what I keep thinking of.

mtf, i see you feeling stuck, and the very thing you want and need to discuss, you feel like you can't. toughie. but, i wonder if there is a way you can turn down the volume on your emotions and thoughts about her (i am assuming you are female??) and discuss them. kind of third person-ish?

seems like that issue needs to be out there, and i know we all know it is an unrealistic fantasy to have anything other than an appropriate therapst/patient relationship, that anything MORE than this would hurt us. yes, i too suspect some counter-transference. wish THEY could start the conversation...

it is somehting i brought up early with T3 in regards to T1, and something that needs resolved, and really is at the heart of what we are doing in there. so maybe some benign entry.."talk to me about transference and what is normal dependency to feel for one's T" may get the conversation open.

i always have to remind myself that they see EVERYTHING in there, and that alot of this is VERY NORMAL. and, as much as i don't want T to think it, she sees my 'stuff' all the time, and really, if it is a good T, they can handle it, maybe not resolve it in one day, but they can surely do something constructive with it that can help that issue not distract from the other things you are working on.

try it, sweet friend!! you are paying good money for it, just ask what is normal dependency, and know, all patients of any doctorial field feel some dependence on their doctor...think of a heart doctor, pediatirican...

good luck!! let us know!!

Kashley and Jill

Thanks for the replies!

K:

I hadn't thought about countertransference. I am honestly at the point where I am ready to ask her if she would prefer I find a different therapist. I asked her last session to push me/challenge me more because I feel that she's been too easy on me the past few months (since the letter reading episode) and she pulled out of nowhere the 'fact' that it's because I don't like her 'big girl panties' sign. Don't know if you remember that sign on not (Put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!!!). I couldn't believe it, but didn't say, "Gee T, it's been almost 3 months since we discussed that stupid sign and it no longer has any negative connotation for me since we discussed it and you gave me your side of it and I see what it means to you now". THAT was weird. Then out of nowhere, she turned back into her 'old self' and challenged me. It was like my old T has been hiding for the last few months and some diluted version of herself has been in her place with me. So weird...

By countertransference, do you have any specific ideas here? You're on the right track I think, I just want to get a feel for what your ideas are, if you don't mind giving them here. I agree with you that I think she should be thrilled that I am having this transference with her and that she would want to talk about it to see how it really relates to other relationships in my life right now. I don't get it. I know when I talk about the internet searching stuff, she gets uncomfortable, although she tries (somewhat unsuccessfully) to act normally. I know it bothers her that I know stuff about her although she seems willing to share stuff with during sessions, like mention kids' names, give some details about her own life or a child's life when they apply to what we're talking about concerning me. Kind of getting mixed messages from her and it's making me crazy.

Thanks for sharing your dream with me. That's EXACTLY what this feels like. It sucks.

Jill:

Hi. We haven't met yet. Welcome to the boards. Yes, I'm female. I hadn't thought of keeping things in a third-person type perspective before. That's an idea. I do think she'd know what I was getting at though, as she knows I've done a bit of reading on the subject of attachment, transference, and that I understand it well enough. The main issue is with her and I highly doubt she'll ever open the conversation or go with it herself even if I happen to open it. I guess I should have more faith in her, but she's shown me enough times (at least from my perspective, which is of course tainted) that she has her own ideas and although she's 'willing' she isn't really one to go there on her own.

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i always have to remind myself that they see EVERYTHING in there, and that alot of this is VERY NORMAL. and, as much as i don't want T to think it, she sees my 'stuff' all the time, and really, if it is a good T, they can handle it, maybe not resolve it in one day, but they can surely do something constructive with it that can help that issue not distract from the other things you are working on.

Thanks for the reminder, Jill!


MTF

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Well, there have been times I could swear that some of you here were secretly T's because of your amazing insight! But Jill, I seriously doubt it.

Yeah, me too, MH! I can think of a few people on this forum who are probably T's.

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Ugh. I think at this point nothing terrifies me more than talking to her about my relationship with her and how I feel. I keep it all inside of me, I wear a mask with her and don't want her to see my flaws anymore. She's seen enough of them already. But how do you do therapy when you are trying to hide from your therapist? And how do you get past the desire to hide? Do you see my dilemma?

MTF, I just want to say, that I really think your T can probably handle whatever you throw at her. Your situation and mine are very similar (in terms of present background and and the past.) And I have reacted to my T in the same way you have. My T used to actually encourage me to talk about my feelings for him, but I could never really do it anyway. I too ended up "hiding" for a long period of time. It is only very rencently that I have started to trust a bit, and open up a bit, and I think my therapy turned the corner the moment I let my T see how "bad off" I really am. Before I was always trying to make him think I was some strong resilient clever individual. I would argue with him by email about the transference. (I also hate that word, MH) I have no idea what mde him see me in a different light than he previously did, but all I know is that I gave him my honest opinion about how I felt about our sessions once and things have gradually been getting better and better for me in therapy ever since. He said something to me about not being able to see before that I really do need his help to make decisions, really don't know the answer and so on. There seemed to be something about that email that made him do a complete about face in terms of how he deals with me. Before he seemed to be almost pushing me out of therapy, he was often cold and aloof (feeling) and wouldn't give me any guidance at all. Now he is warm, helps me, and doesn't rush me at all. It's been like that for about 3 or 4 sessions now and I am starting to trust it and be able to open up.
In short, it took many long months of pain and misunderstanding and agony just meeting my T, to get to this point of him being able to understand where I am at. I think when you are unable to talk and open up, that is just the way it has to be...it naturally takes them longer to "see" you and be able to meet your needs, when you cannot express yourslef truthfully. (Not that I think you are being untruthful, if you are like me, you simply cannot be open right now)Something will happen that will open that up for you little by little, one day...just wait and see. (that is unless your T is really all about herself, (countertransference?)in that case of course you have to run- but from everything I have seen you write, it seems like she is there and wanting to help you heal, wanting your therapy to be about you getting your needs met.

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I dreamt that they were standing on the opposite side of this raging river from me, and I had to swim across it to meet them. And I was really struggling against the current, but my family member was just standing on the edge of the river bank, watching with disinterested eyes.

Kashley, I think your dream is so sad, and I really feel for you here. I used to have a similar dream as a child, over and over again, only my mom and sister were actually swimming with me, and when I was getting swept away by the current in the river, they casually commented "there goes BB" and then kept chatting. I don't really dream anymore, but I used to have awful dreams as a kid, so I understand how painful they can be...do you ever dream and get left with the feelings from it all day? ick.

BB