No, T and I have joked around about it and I've had the same exact freaked out reaction. But, he would not see anyone else outside H and I (at least on purpose, like referred). He has mentioned that I could bring family members in if I wanted to in order to resolve some stuff, and having brought his own mother into his therapy when he was really young, but I just would never do it...at all...

About 10 months or 1 year into my therapy, my friend mentioned she wanted to try therapy for some relationship issues. I told her I'd ask my T if she was taking new people because I think she's good. So I asked my T and she said, thanks for thinking of me...and then something about considering again if I would be okay with a friend also seeing her. She mentioned that sometimes people find it hard if their friend sees the same T. I don't think I was really attached to her quite like I am now...so then, it would have been fine I think..but I'm not so sure about now. I'd probably rather not know. Thankfully, my friend never followed through even though I did end up giving her my T's number. Guess it worked out for the best!

My T does see three people that I know. I met them through her in an ED support group and became good friends with one of the girls and casual friends with two others. I make it a point to never mention my good friend's name to my T if she comes up in a story. i.e., "Last night my friend wanted to talk on the phone but I was feeling really drained and didn't feel up to talking to her. I'm worried I hurt her feelings". I basically leave out the name of the friend I am referring to because I don't want T to know that I am talking about her.

It's a little awkward because I think there are times when T knows who I am referring to but I feel protective of my friend's privacy.

The first therapist I ever went to saw several of my friends before I saw her. She was known to be lesbian friendly but not part of the community so it was safe to see her without fear of running into her at community functions usually.
The one I see now saw someone I knew because we did not all know we were both seeing the same therapist - I picked the therapist out of the list on psychology today because she was a woman close to my work. The other person has quit seeing the therapist now I believe, but I don't know for sure.

So far as I know, none of my friends have seen T, although I've recommended her to one of them, and told T I did so. She actually thought there might be a conflict of interest (since my relationship with this friend is a tad complex) and said that if she (my friend) called for an appointment she'd probably tell her she was booked and give her some referalls. Okay then.

Aside from that, T and I have one mutual acquaintance that I know of. That can make me feel ridiculously special, ie, "I know someone that knows T! Therefore I exist!" lol.

(((LG))) Just wanted to say, so good to see you!

I have a friend who sees my T. Actually, I'm the one seeing her T. She saw him first. She was the friend I called the day oldT abandoned me and she came with me (and him) to the ER. When we got home from there she told me I should call her T. I told her that I felt weird about that and didn't think it was a good idea. I tried to explain about attachment and she told me that although she really liked T, it would not really devastate her if she couldn't see him any longer. She didn't appear to have any strong attachment to him, just thought he was effective.

I went on to see 4 other T's and then finally, not finding anyone I connected with, I gave in and called T. We connected right away despite the terrible traumatic state I was in. I didn't tell my friend for six months that I was seeing him because I wanted to be sure I was going to stay with him first. I took her to lunch one day and thanked her for suggesting him and told her he really was helpful to me. I also assured her that we never spoke of her. This is a friend who worked in my branch office. Fast forward two years, I lost my private office and they moved me to ... the desk right next to hers!! It is very awkward when I go and come back from sessions. I feel like a bug under a microscope. And it definitely impedes my work in therapy because I have to go back to work and sit next to T's other patient.

The absolutely craziest part of all of this is...my boss (the beast) used to see him for a short time and he was the one who recommended him to my co-worker! At least when I complained about my crazy boss T knew I was not kidding!

TN

PS.... Hi LG. It's good to see you. I had to look twice when I saw your name pop up. Hope you are doing okay.

Hi, TN!

Hi, Yaku!


I took a little break from the forum (for like a year and a half). The forum just popped into my head tonight so I thought I'd stop by. It was nice to see some familiar faces here.

LG - you've been in my thoughts often over your 'little' break - it's so good to see you again!! Morgs

Hmmm!!! I actually arranged for my boss to see my T during a really tough time for her I thought they'd 'fit' - felt a little weird about it later but it worked out well!

It is so very nice to see you LG

((yaku)) I've brought my best friend to see my T(s) and it worked well. Actually in one session we learned a lot about eachother it was interesting. My parents will be in my area soon and I've flirted with having them come but hahahah they wouldn't and it would just be overall awful. I'd love for my T to meet them in person though... get a feel for them. It's also terrifying, of course! I can understand you for sure.

((Draggers)) Ooo that would be hard to have T share friends, I'm sorry!

((erica)) It was very generous of you to give your T's #. I would if it was a friend I wasn't quite so close to. Do you think it would have changed your attachment? I don't mind sharing my T... but I'm just so so scared that being "vulnerable" in sharing either my friend or my T would make one of them hate me somehow. I have no clue how that works. Growing up my parents knew everyone I knew, and I felt like I could never be good enough anywhere or to anyone because my parents would tell them the 'truth'.

((LG)) Again, so good to see you back My ED T does see people I know, too but none that have become close friends. I can imagine it is hard to have to edit yourself... even when your T may know who you are talking about. I did have a problem w/ someone outside of group becoming attracted to me (and telling me, in a rather inappropriate way, that's how I knew) who also saw my T and that was... epically uncomfortable to discuss (and my T was pissssed)

((stoppers)) That's nice you wouldn't run in to your T at community events. That's the hard part about seeing someone in the community, you see them around - or someone you know dates them.

((HIC)) I wish I was as brave as you that I could recommend my T. She is so lovely, and I know referrals are good (though, she never seems not to have a full supply of clients) but I just can't... That's nice your T acknowledged a relationship that would be complex. I know my T would think like that, based on some things we've talked about. That's interesting you feel better about knowing someone who knows T hehehe - I wonder why? The idea to me scares me. Ugh, I sound so possessive... I don't know what my deal is.

((TN)) I'm so thankful your friend recommended your wonderful T, I think I remember you saying at some point about that. Did you talk about attachment in regard to that you'd have to ask her to stop going or your T would terminate her? That would be really difficult to work around attachment stuff for sure! So your friend still sees your T? That's so awkward that you have to sit next to her right after Does she know that that's where you're going? That would drive me insane!! I also DO remember you talking about your crazy psycho boss seeing T... I'm glad he knew you weren't kidding hehehe.


((Morgs)) I'm so glad it worked out well for your boss! You're okay w/ it?

My T doesn't see anyone that I know and I am glad about that. I don't think I would find it comfortable knowing that she did. I guess I would learn to deal if it cropped up. It is less the idea of sharing, although as our relationship has developed some of that has crept in. Mainly it is being ever so slightly paranoid about my privacy, which I know is a bit irrational since T cannot talk about me. I guess it is about feeling like I need to be in control of the flow of info going to my T about me. If someone did ask me for recomendations I would probably signpost elsewhere, or ask her to recommend someone else.

It helps that I do not live in the same town as my T. I deliberately chose a T in the neighbouring town so there is a reduced chance of us running into each other socially or professionally!

Hi Cat

My T certainly does not see anyone else that I know. However his wife used to run a GP practice with my FIL's best friend 25 years ago and she possibly looked after my husband and his sisters when they were little. Sometimes the world is too small a place even living in a city of over 4 million people!

Fortunately, my current T doesn't see anyone I know and has expressly said he wouldn't.

But my oldT worked in our church and so I knew a number of people who saw him. At one point, a female colleague of my ex had the appointment after mine and oldT would have her wait in an empty office rated than the waiting room until I had left. This was the first T I ever attached to and I wondered why it bothered me. I never talked to him about it. There were way too many other crises at that point.

Hi LG, i remember you

THis topic is one of my worst fears and T and I have spoken about it many times. She said other than give me her client list to 'approve' she doesn't know how to prevent this happening. She said if it happens we will deal with it.

It triggers me as I had a mutual friend with ex T when she terminated me and it all got very messy and if T saw someone I knew - I would be really affected.

One of my work colleagues saw her once, but what was coincental and he didn't like her.... My T doesn't know that I know that he went and saw her.

This is why I never stay to pay my bill and I always run out of the door and never look at who is in the waiting room.. Never want to see anyone I know.

SD

With ex-T, I became aware of a few clients she saw that I knew as acquaintances. Other clients who were initially strangers to me became known through group therapy.

With the exception of one of those clients ("cult client"), I never felt threatened by sharing T with the people I knew. As long as I knew them, it felt like we could be in one therapy "family" together, like siblings to the same mother.

It was always the clients who I didn't know, but who I saw coming and going, that bothered me greatly. Who were they, and what did they want with T? It drove me nuts because T couldn't tell me anything about them, so the secrecy of their relationship with her made me jealous.

First of all, hello all of you. I have been a lurker for years.. somehow seem to have a fear of posting, I don't know why! Although I don't come here often... I like to pop by every so often and I almost feel I know some of you!
Anyway I couldn't resist:
T sees my brother-in-law. It's awful sometimes.. (the jealousy levels.. you don't want to know). On the plus side it did get us working on things which probably wouldn't come up.. e.g. jealousy!

I had an awful experience over a year ago when I saw someone I know leaving my T's office as I was going in. I posted the whole saga here.

It still freaks me out and I can barely talk to this person when I see her. In fact I avoid her. I feel like I actually hate her. I do realize that it is really because I am so insecure about T having enough for both me and her and it kills me to have such tangible evidence that I am just another client and not any more special to T than anyone else. It was so much easier when all of the other clients were faceless, nameless strangers.

And now that I might lose T because of the job situation I think about how "she" will win because she has the evening apt I need in order to change jobs and still see T. It is all this horrible competition for me that only exists in my head. I am only tormenting myself. I don't even know if she is still seeing T but I have no way of finding out. T won't tell me and I can't ask this other person because I don't even know if she knows I see the same T and actually I don't want to talk to her anyway. So I guess I will continue to torment myself needlessly until I can find some other way to be free from this.

BTW I haven't been able to talk to T about this much. Every time I try I completely shut down. It really hits a bad place for me.

Yes I relate... I completely shut down too. In fact the last time I spoke about it I was trying to talk and there was this awkward silence for over 20 minutes into the session.. and even then I avoided the situation by talking more about the fact that I cant talk...

At one point when I stumbled and mumbled about it recently T very calmly reassured me that he cares deeply about both of us and that he doesn't have to push one of us down over the other. Of course I was dying for him to say that he loves and prefers having me to him..! but somehow him saying this was very calming. It made me feel that, guess what, there might be a concept of enough love to go around, even though I havn't seen that growing up.

You know it's odd that I feel more threatened by the tall, thin, tan blonde clients who are nameless and anonymous to me that see my T than the co-worker who sits next to me. I'm not sure if it's because she has never exhibited any strong attachment to T although she knows him for at least ten years. But T's wife (let's not even go there) and those other nameless clients drive me into the hellish torture of he does not care about me at all and then the self-hatred kicks in making things unbearable.

Does anyone really understand these reactions we have and where they are coming from? Obviously, our past but what is the trigger here. I'd really like to understand this better. I can't even discuss it with T at all. Do any of you?

Does this go back to our FOO and how we are treated vs our siblings? Are there any only children out there who feel the same way?

Thanks
TN

((((CAT))))

quote:

I have such a hard time sometimes not taking the skinny, tall, blonde, tanned women (as a natural blonde - though I dye red - relatively tall, skinny and attractive [irish, though so no tanning!] it's painful to been seen as an object and looked down upon for complaining about the "privilege") personally. I know that is my stuff, I end up feeling objectified, unworthy, worthless and a mean or bad person and what is so interesting is those emotions sound similar to what I read in your posts when you talk about how painful his wife and those clients are I know you don't mean it personally - I've just found the emotional similarity to be perplexing.

Thanks for sharing that. That was an amazing insight and parallel. I tend to look at things the way TN does and feel threatened by certain people. For me, it definitely goes back to either a sibling relationship or an early friendship in which I experienced the other as being more dominant and aggressive and not wanting me around as we both might have wanted to same thing or same person. E.g., a parent or some kind of acknowledgement. The other always "won" and never seemed to have much empathy for me, for my lack of whatever it was I didn't get.

I see it with my kids. My 14 year old wants what she wants (e.g., to sit in the front seat all the time) and she doesn't really care that my 12 year old doesn't get to sit in the front seat. My 12 year old isn't as assertive and will volunteer to sit in the back but did get mad recently that she doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that he has done all that volunteering.

She just sees the world through her own wants and needs. She's definitely more "self-centered" - not in a negative way - than my other children and therefore sometimes takes more than she gives.

Cat and Liese I appreciate your views on this. I'm not sure where it comes from. Maybe I pick on that particular type of person because it's opposite of what I am and have always been made to feel invisible because of that. Maybe because my mother was so focused on looks, maybe because my friends looked like that and I was ignored as a teen in their peer groups and instead I was made fun of. Maybe because my sister was always the favorite (although she does not look exactly as what I describe) and was the one with all the attention. She was the cute, thin, tan one (not blonde) and it was that which was paid attention to. So, yeah, maybe she was objectified back then. We were not appreciated for who we were as a person.

So of course if T (parent) has other more "golden child" patients then naturally they are the ones that are "seen" and who get more favorable treatment. Of course I don't know this. The only thing I do know is that one of those patients used to have her apponitment just before mine and I had to speak to my T about the fact that he was as much as 20 minutes late for my session 3 times in a row when her session was before mine. He had never done that with anyone else and never gives me any extra time so... of course I am going to think that she is favored over me and when the child tries to understand and figure out why it comes back to the physical because that is all I can see or know about. Maybe she is a scintillating conversationalist but I would not have any way to know this.

He solved the problem by now scheduling her session AFTER mine. So I see her when I come out of session.

TN

((((TN))))

quote:

so... of course I am going to think that she is favored over me and when the child tries to understand and figure out why it comes back to the physical because that is all I can see or know about.

Our T's are not immune to their subconscious desires and needs. The truth is: there is truth to what you are saying. We all make decisions quickly and are very often unaware why we are making them. But the research supports that we are all biased towards certain people because of their height, or their looks or their money. Whatever. The unfairness is real and it's there.

How the favoritism works recently became so crystal clear to me with my Mom being sick. My brother is all over her like a wet blanket. Yes, she can be nice to me but if it's a choice between me being close to her or him, she will always make the choice to be closer to him. So, I never had that person that let me close to them without someone else being in the picture trying to push me away because of jealousy.

Liese, I think part of this relates also to being loved and accepted unconditionally. If you have that then being tall, thin, gorgeous, etc does not factor in quite as strongly and pervasively. I was allowed to exist peacefully if I was quiet, perfectly groomed (according to mom's standards) had all A's or 90's in school and did not ask for anything and had NO needs at all. And this is how I am in therapy as well.

Liese, I agree to a point that it's also been shown that people who are attractive get preferential treatment in life. Sad but true. Of course, that is only surface judgements. If you actually spend the time to get to know someone and they are a beautiful person inside, that is what counts. I have known very beautiful/handsome people that were ugly as a whole.

Cat, I can honestly as possible say that I do not have erotic transference feelings for this T. Yes, I did have it rather strongly with oldT and I can recognize the difference in these two relationships. It is a strictly paternal feeling for my current T. Yet, as a child, I longed for that parental recognition, attention and nurturing so I guess this is what I want from my T as well and if I think he's giving it to others then it means there is way less for me. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant to the child who was deprived.

TN

Okay, I know this thread got so totally off topic and I apologize.

The closest I have gotten to jealousy of another client with my T was being after some teen boy he was seeing. And it wasn't anything about the kid specifically, other than...well, he's getting the help younger, when it was most needed for me, and I can never let myself have the sort of relationship with T that this kid can, because he actually still IS a kid. Then again, my T kind of sees me like a kid or his kid in a way, not the same as his own family, obviously, but I guess that's a boundary that's in my own mind that I can't let myself connect at that level, and not T's boundary.

Otherwise, the fear of T seeing people I know is just that...he will finally find out what I've been telling him all along about how awful and toxic I am is true. That is the main thing for me, especially if he were to ever meet a family member. That it would lead to invalidation and rejection.

There are a couple of close friends who did need help, who I wouldn't have felt an issue with him seeing, because there wasn't an attachment element. I think my reluctance there would be losing one of the few people I could talk to ABOUT therapy and losing the ability to talk to my T about those relationships, without worrying about triangulation of a sort, or cross-pollination...or whatever you want to call it.

There are a lot of things with T seeing H already where I hesitate to talk, because I feel like I don't want to unduly influence H's treatment. H has no such qualms, lol. T has said he doesn't think my "stuff" with H influences his work with him very much and he is able to be objective and make his own observations.

It still just feels like "telling on" H or infecting his work with my own opinions. But T has said in our case, where we're both working on each other for the good of our whole family (and have seen each other together in that context), that it's to our mutual benefit to get issues out in the open. And again, as far as he knows, he hasn't felt like he lets where one of us goes in our session direct where he goes with the other. I recently witnessed that was the case, because H brought something I told him about projections I was having with T up and T felt no need to go there in session with me (I didn't find out until later that H had said anything to him at all about it).

Anyway, I basically don't need any more of that confusion than I already have, trying to protect others' therapy from my own sharing.

TN - I had said the only way I could really understand was from the idea of erotic transference but that I know that is not the issue you are facing here. I sorta feel the vulnerable stuff I posted (and ideas for you) trying to relate was completely ignored - but, we pick what is useful to reply to, or what resonates, if anything and I'm sorry nothing I suggested (none of which related to erotic transference) didn't help. I am glad you so well understand where your longings are coming from and wish you the best in figuring out where the paternal stuff that you asked about in your question fits.

That's a professional breach, you guys, if your T did talk to you about them/them about you, even if you and they know each other. I would really warn you about not talking about your T to those people, ever.

My T probably still does see people I know or am acquainted with, but in the past I knew for sure he did. I actually met my ex-friend through my T. We were pretty good friends for well over a year. She would ask me a lot of questions about my sessions with T. (Unbeknownst to me at the time, she had feelings for him so she was really getting off on everything I said, which makes me sick now.) After a few months of this, my ex-friend decided to start mocking me for info I disclosed earlier. Where she used to be sympathetic, she turned stone cold or making fun of me for being sad/scared, etc. So I stopped being friends with her, and the last I heard she and her husband don't see T anymore. (Also found out she's been studying to be a T ).

So NOW if I mention her in therapy, I don't hold back at all! Oh, my T sure knows I hate her! And as far as anyone else in town who he may know mutually, if I talk bad about them, TOO BAD! I know he keeps everything confidential. I guess that's why I feel free to spew my opinions about people to him.