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32 replies

Doing It Wrong (UPDATE)

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I've been in that wordless place again. I can respond to others but am having the worst time trying to put down on paper or screen what is going on with me in relation to my T.

T is away this week. I won't see him until Monday which means I miss two sessions and go ten days between. This is his typical vacation which he takes 3 or 4 times a year. I know some of you have to endure much longer breaks like a month or more and I honestly don't know how you manage this. T allows contact via email to check in or phone if it's an emergency. In the past I have emailed him once mid-week to check in. T would encourage this and so I would do it.

This time I'm feeling so detached and numb I don't think I want to bother to email. If I do then I'm afraid I'll do it wrong and it will backfire on me and I cannot take the risk. It seems that lately I'm doing therapy wrong and T has been critical and I'm not feeling able to reach out to him.

As you know we had the session where inner kid tried to reach out to T with a drawing on a card. It did not go well and I go the comment from him about him not being able to play with us. Then we talked about it and I shut down for a week when I took the chance to allow inner kid to send T an email. She was feeling very active and needed to tell him some things she was afraid of. One of them was that she was doing therapy all wrong and what happens if we try to delve into the trauma itself and we do it wrong and get in trouble. T said in his response to her (which was very nice) that we cannot do it wrong. There is no wrong.

Fast forward to the last session before T leaves on vacation. I am talking and trying to be uncensored more than usual because T accused me of not processing in therapy and then falling apart and trying to deal with everything myself, alone and having to struggle. So I took a step forward and began to talk about the past. I told him something traumatic which I had told him before and he had no memory of it. That upset me and then after the session I got scared because he didn't really ask me anything about it. In the email that little TN sent him she included a link to a favorite song video she really wanted him to see because it related to recent discussions. In his email response he said he didn't have time to watch it but he would. We met 3 days after the email and when I asked him about it in session he said he didn't watch it. Little TN felt very hurt by that. In fact, her heart plummeted to her feet and she then ceased to be part of the session. Again he said he would watch it.

The day after this Thursday session I called T. I was upset that he forgot about the traumatic incident in my past that we had discussed and I was also upset that he didn't watch the video and I felt like I had again done something wrong. So I asked him about both of these issues. He gave a reasonable explanation about not wanting to get into any too heavy when he was leaving me. I told him it would have been great if he told me that in session. He also said it was okay to send the video link but he still didn't see it. I explained that little TN was trying to communicate in alternative ways using art and music.

He didn't address that but said that I need to state myself in a different way when I call him. He sounded irritated and told me exactly the phrasing I should use when I call him. He told me I need to "work on that". This is the second time in the past 2 months where he told me that I need to change my phrasing and to not mess up what we had already addressed in session. I was actually very careful in how I phrased my needs and I never accused him of anything but told him my own feelings. I feel like now when I talk to him, especially on the phone I get so tied up in knots that I cannot speak coherently. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I have stopped feeling like I'm freely speaking and instead I'm worrying about saying it correctly... the way he wants me to. But then it ceases to be me. Those are not my words.

And if there is no wrong way why does he tell me how I should say things? And how is this helping me to talk to him about the difficult stuff? I feel like he does not want to talk to me on the phone which then turns into the feeling that he is now taking something away from me because he never used to talk to me like this. Needless to say having our last conversation be one of disconnect and criticism has not helped me get through this week with no therapy.

I know this is all rambly but it's the best I could do and it has helped just to put it all down somewhere. AT least some of the words are coming again.

Thanks
TN
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catalystcatalystMember
(((TN))) Ugh it so sucks to be activated when our Ts are out of town.

I'm confused about what your T wanted you to say on the phone? To speak in a whole new way? Frowner

I've had to "correct" some phrasing with T... but it's been a gentle process of her and I noticing, rephrasing, and talking about where it came from (for some things, it took YEARS because I had to change my thinking first). Does T work on where what you're phrasing comes from? It just made me cringe that he'd sorta leaving you with that... no even in person.

It makes sense you'd be feeling what you're saying here... sheesh it makes sense little and big TN would be recoiling.

I've sent my T things to look at before, and it did not always go so well. I now share pictures or video in session... listening to music with my T has been the single most uncomfortable situation I've had in a while. Same with sharing my poems... yuck. It's such a vulnerable thing, and I wish he would have at least processed maybe how it felt that he didn't yet, or if he gave you an honest reason he didn't view it.

I hope at some point you can send a check in e-mail, even if it's not today. But how can it feel safe if he's sending "contact me" and then "but make sure it's right" messages? Could what you send be short, like "I'm really hurt by our last session and talk on the phone but I wanted to make sure you were still there?" I dunno... or "HEY IS THIS GOOD ENOUGH!?" Mad

I'm very sorry he forgot about your traumatic material Frowner that's happened to me too. I try to tell myself my T is watching the big picture but it still hurts.

I'm glad you got some of the words you needed out. Hope the evening treats you gently.
armoredheartarmoredheartMember
(((TN)))

It seems like the most difficult things always have a way of happening around breaks... (from my experience anyway) I've always wondered why that seems to be the way Frowner I'm so sorry to hear you've gotten confusing messages from T, I would have reacted the same way!!

I've had really important/traumatic things I've shared forgotten, and it really shut me down too. Even with more trivial things, I really felt hurt when T didn't remember those. I know with me, for like 4 sessions after those ruptures I would start every sentence with 'I don't know if you remember this, but... (and then I'd state something he obviously would remember)' Big Grin guess part of me is kind of passive aggressive. lol Razzer

Not feeling T is attuned to our needs is so very painful. Especially if you're continually trying to be vulnerable to express those needs and feeling wrong for asking. I do agree with the original statement your T made, that there should be no wrong way to do therapy. But I also very much validate that the other interactions with him would make you feel like he has confusing expectations Confused

I also know that feeling from an incident where I tried to tell my T he was bringing his needs into the room, and I felt so afraid to say what I needed. I said 'if i tell you something that you're doing that's bothering me, would you get pissed off?' His response was, 'If you piss me off, I'll let you know about it.' Well. That certainly settles the nerves, and opens the vulnerability door. Roll Eyes (sorry, I only say that to let you know I relate very much with being confused about the messages T's send!!)

Sometimes I really think part of the growth process in therapy is very much about continuing to listen to what you need. What you feel, think, how you respond to interactions with your T. And given that they are imperfect and can have times of not being attuned, maybe those are the times we grow the most? Maybe the more you keep voicing what is your truth, your needs, it keeps strengthening your voice to care for yourself?

Maybe the more you keep telling him, 'Hey bud. That's not it. you're not hearing me! You're not listening to my needs.', maybe it gets a little easier each time, despite the messages he may respond with. Sometimes I think that is the ultimate gift of therapy, learning to say the things we couldn't say in childhood, because we had no idea how to even recognize what we needed, or if it was being responded to. Maybe our biggest task in working with a T is learning over and over to express what is really within us. (it just sucks when they don't seem to be on the same page!!)

I hope you and little TN can keep speaking your words, your truth, without fear. I believe there is no wrong way to do that, and it should never have to be censored. I hope at the very least you can feel that safety in writing here, and it might help the words come freely again. Breaks are tough, I hope you will keep finding the outlets and distractions you need to soothe yourself during the time. You aren't alone, so many here to help you through it. Sending hugs

Hug two

AH
L lieseMember
((((TN))))

It's so hard to feel pushed away when we already feel like they are a bit distant from us because they are on a vacation we weren't invited on. It would be difficult for me to handle emotionally. The hard thing is that he already feels inaccessible because he's away and now on top of it, he said something that sounded like you displeased him. That would make me feel like I was spinning ever so fast into a deep pit and that T was at the top waving bye bye. The fact that he's on vacation makes it scarier to reach out because, really, he does want to relax and get away from it all. We know that. And, so if you do take a risk and reach out, there will be even greater weight on his response because of how you are feeling. If he doesn't sound fully engaged, it could send you into an even greater tailspin.

As great as your T is, sometimes he does sound like he loses his patience a little bit. It doesn't seem to me that he should tell you that you need to reprhase things. At the end of the day, you might get more positive feedback from others if you learned to rephrase things BUT it doesn't seem helpful that T would insist upon that with you. It would make me feel like I'm doing something wrong too. Maybe you should try to talk to him about this incongruity when therapy resumes next week.

Maybe HE tends to be a little too sensitive and to feel defensive and HE has a hard time coping with it. It does sound like he's not entirely integrated or mentalizing at as high of a level as he should be - which would explain his occassional lapses. He always comes back with the right thing after he's had time to reflect.

I always felt like my T was defensive. I would tell him that it was okay and that he didn't have to defend himself. He would tell me that he wasn't defending himself and proceed with the explanation as to why he did something. It's only been recently that he's fully owned his defensiveness.

It's a good thing for your T to take this vacation. He needs to shut down and recharge so he can be on top of his game when he comes back. Hang in there. Come here often for support.

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I've had to "correct" some phrasing with T... but it's been a gentle process of her and I noticing, rephrasing, and talking about where it came from (for some things, it took YEARS because I had to change my thinking first). Does T work on where what you're phrasing comes from? It just made me cringe that he'd sorta leaving you with that... no even in person.


I'm going to respond (by necessity of my day) in spurts so please don't be offended if I don't address all the responses at once. It's just the schedule I'm on. I appreciate all of you.

Cat... thanks for your response. It really helped to know I'm not the only one with a T who does the whole "rephrasing" thing. He wanted me to say, "I know that we have a good relationship and I know that this is probably me projecting (or transference etc) so I wanted to run this past you based on my history... blah blah..." I think that was it. I was so activated when he told me I needed to learn how to phrase things that my mind sorta froze. I DID tell him in my original message to him that I was strugging and I think I have figured it out to be two things so I just wanted to run that past him. I was so careful in my message to incorporate what he told me last time. I guess it was not enough. I don't call him often. Maybe 3 times in the past 2 months. Two of the 3 calls ended badly throwing me into further hysteria.

And in answer to your question, no he does not ever address or work with me on where my phrasing comes from or what it means and why I use it. Maybe I would feel less "wrong" or less criticized if he did seem willing to talk about that.

It also helps to know your T has also forgotten on occassion some past trauma that you had discussed. I'm sorry that has happened to you too.

Thanks
TN
L lieseMember
((((TN))))

quote:
"I know that we have a good relationship and I know that this is probably me projecting (or transference etc) so I wanted to run this past you based on my history... blah blah..."


I know it made you feel wrong but the problem with "people like us" and I'm just going to lump us into one category for now, is that we don't have the self-talk that we need. The words he wants you to practice saying is to help you incorporate those words into your own memory so you can tell yourself these things when things get stressful for you. Yes, T can calm you down and give you reassurance but your boss can't.

We need to be able to listen to our T's and take in their advice. That's what we are there for. Try to trust him that he's NOT saying you are doing it wrong. He is trying to help you incorporate the verbalizations into your own memory. I think he is also trying to help you with teasing out the past from the present. Constructive feedback is SO hard to take in when we didn't receive enough affirmation as children. Everything comes across as criticism. Try to be open to hearing it with a different ear. We ALL have imperfections. We ALL need to grow. But you are still lovable. He's trying to help your brain.

And dismiss everything I wrote before about him being defensive. It was probably the wrong time for him to say something like that to you but it doesn't sound like he was being defensive.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I appreciate your words Liese but when I'm activated, scared and desperate I don't want a lecture on changing my phrasing and learning new self-talk. And it sounded more like he was not telling me to change my self talk but to change the way I talk to HIM. That the way I speak to him was unacceptable and needed to be "worked on". So now I'm so tangled up in doing this the "right" way so he does not get annoyed at me that I don't want to talk to him AT ALL.

And if I don't talk to him how are we supposed to do therapy?

It just seems like right now is not the time to do this kind of work. Especially, since lately we are having one disruption after another and he HAS screwed up some of his reactions. Aside from that it seems more like he's changing towards me, and becoming inconsistent which scares me.

Right now I could not feel more distant and disconnected.

TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
Not feeling T is attuned to our needs is so very painful. Especially if you're continually trying to be vulnerable to express those needs and feeling wrong for asking.


AH thank you for taking the time to respond and for sharing your experiences with me. I guess I just have not felt attunement from T lately. An this makes it more difficult to just let this slide. I am trying to be more open and vulnerable (gosh I HATE that word) and then instead of him giving me a response that he understands or that he cares about my discomfort or unease he is more concered about how things sound to HIM. Mad

Maybe if he had explained it to me in more gentle terms before he started with this rephrasing stuff I could have accepted it better. In any event, leaving for ten days and leaving me with his criticisms ringing in my ears is sending me into that black pit that Liese so aptly describes in her post.

Thank you
TN
catalystcatalystMember
Ugh that sucks, TN... Especially if you'd need reassurance about the relationship. Sounds invalidating of your fears in a way Frowner The phrasing I had to remove with my T was the 'you' stuff... ('You hate me' rather than a question since I can't tell her how she feels). Sounds like T is doing NLP or CBT or something (like affirmation statements you'd make in the mirror or something - my DBT T suggests similar phrasing stuff but doesn't force it)... Makes no sense not relating it though.
L lieseMember
((((TN))))

quote:
when I'm activated, scared and desperate I don't want a lecture on changing my phrasing and learning new self-talk. /quote]

Yes, I know. It wasn't the right time for him to say that.

[QUOTE] And it sounded more like he was not telling me to change my self talk but to change the way I talk to HIM.[


By changing the way you talk to him, you will change the way you talk to yourself. Does that make sense? It's kind of like the good parent telling the kid, "I love you and don't think all those bad things about you that you think I think." So the next time something happens, you will be more apt to say it to yourself. He's just using more psychobabble than a parent would.

Imagine how much more productive any one of us would be if we weren't so worried ALL THE TIME that our T's were going to abandon us.

TN, It's INCREDIBLY scary to try to see something differently than we have always seen it. Our psyche's NEED structure and when that structure comes tumbling day, the world can feel very disorienting. THat's why it's so hard to change.

At some point, it's going to take a leap of faith on your part to believe that he DOES care even though he didn't say something the way you wanted him to, in the way that would make you feel most comfortable. I just think that's the only way to more forward. He could say things perfectly one million times or he could tell you one million times, "I'm sorry I said it that way" but eventually you are going to have to learn to do it for yourself. It's like taking the training wheels off your bike. He's still there to catch you in case you fall but he's helping you to develop that new template that will guide you through life.
beccabeccaMember
TN, I would so pissed at my T if she talked like that to me during a distress call. Fine if she wanted to do it in session but on the phone to somebody who hardly ever calls and is hurting, that would not fly with me. I don't think mine would ever do that unless I was calling every day.

Something's up with your guy. Like you said it has been one thing after another. He probably did need this vacation. Maybe something going on at home and none of this is personal at all.

I know I am completely immature but I know I would be going to my next session with a big chip on my shoulder. That's just me and probably explains why I have been in therapy for forever. For your sake I hope he comes around.
I incognitoMember
((TN))

I am so sorry that T tried to change how you talk to him. I would have a lot of difficulty with his phrasing as well for some of the same reasons. Another reason I have is that I find I put a lot of qualifiers into my speech anyway because I am afraid of upsetting others so when I say things like ""I know that we have a good relationship and I know that this is probably me projecting (or transference etc) so I wanted to run this past you based on my history... blah blah..." by the time I got to what I wanted to say it would be so watered down I would doubt my feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I get so caught up in I know this is probably how I am thinking that I end up finishing with "forget it I am just being stupid/silly/childish".

Liese I find your idea about changing our self-talk by changing how we talk to T very interesting but I do think there is a fundamental incompatibility with some of your statements. Saying this to us clients (and I'm lumping us all together as well) " it's going to take a leap of faith on your part to believe that he DOES care even though he didn't say something the way you wanted him to, in the way that would make you feel most comfortable. " seems to be the opposite of what T is able to do for TN. Why can't he hear that her fear and anxiety when she is calling to check in still incorporates her belief in the good in their relationship? Shouldn't he respond to what she was saying and not get caught up in the fact that she didn't say it in the way he wanted or in the way that would be most comfortable for him.

TN, I am sorry he chose to focus on how you spoke during a check in call before his vacation. I think he made a mistake and they are human. I remember my T once apologizing for bringing up his observation that I expressed myself only at the end of the session and that is why we didn't get to discuss the topic and I would need to call him later. He said that at the end of a session and when I told him I felt like he was blaming me for how I did therapy he apologized, owned what happened and told me he could understand why I felt blamed considering he raised the issue without giving us time to discuss it so he was unable to clarify his comments. I hope your T comes back from his vacation able to discuss it with you differently.

L lieseMember
(((COGS))

He sure can respond to what she was saying but then that would prolong the dependency upon him for reassurance. You know I'm the biggest advocate of dependency. BUT, dependency can really suck. Most of us here want to end emotional pain and reach the point of emotional freedom. To continue to rely on our T's to make us feel better isn't going to get us there.

I don't think it's about getting caught up in the fact that she didn't say it the way he wanted. I think he was trying to help her take ownership that part of what was going on might have been coming from her. If everyone else in the world is wrong, why are we the people who are having trouble with relationships?

That's what is so tricky about these psychic boundaries. Yes, people's actions and words do cause us pain. But if we don't have a strong, positive sense of ourself and aren't able to hang onto that positive sense of ourselves when other people say the wrong thing, we are going to cause ourselves A LOT of unnecessary pain.

The leap of faith is in trying to give our T's the benefit of the doubt when it comes to them saying something we don't like. I have a good T. You have a good T. TN has a good T. We have to try to hang onto that when things get rocky or else a positive sense of ourselves and relationships will never develop. We could remain dependent upon them for this for the rest of our lives. I know I don't want that. I have to try to live with the insecurity. I am insecure. My T isn't causing it.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((TN))) I'm so sorry things are disrupted with T right now. Between the rupture you guys had over LTN's note to him and his break, this must be hugely hard and it's difficult when our Ts are pushing/challenging us at a time when we feel at our most confused/distressed about the relationship. I think, from my perspective, the fact that you were calling him to check on things in and of itself is a demonstration that you don't fully believe in the projections that are there. You may not have given direct voice in the exact way he thought would be most useful (whether it was for your benefit or his or just communication in general), but actions speak louder than words, and your reaching out to him was an ACT of trust in him. I hope you are able to act on that trust again, because even though he hasn't been quite in tune with you lately, he cares about you very deeply and I believe he won't abandon you.

(((TN))) I'm sorry this is so hard and painful. I really get it. He's not going anywhere, really. But, you have plenty of reason to be afraid of it, from past experience. I hope you can reach out and tell him about the mixed message you feel like you're getting about the no right or wrong way to do things, and then the implication that you need to do them differently. It would be better if he could make a statement like, "I understand what you're trying to say better when _______," but even still, I think that's a communication for sessions. Like my T recently confronted me about it being confusing and difficult that I seemed to not be on "our" (his and my own) side when I choose to follow my avoidance rather than trust the process and his help for me. If he had done that outside of session, it would have been an absolute disaster.

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hey Cat…. I have already removed the “you” part of my conversations with T. I am now very careful not to project on T or tell him how HE feels. Instead of saying “you hate me” I say something like, “the way you are behaving/talking makes me feel that you don’t like me”. I’m not perfect about it but I’m a lot better. I agree that he is starting to sound more DBT or CBT like lately.

Hi Becca. Thank you for validating my feelings about this. I am not one to call a lot and you would think being that he was leaving on vacation he would avoid hurting me. Yes I know he’s human as he reminds me but he is too experienced to do something like this to a patient. I have been wondering the same thing that you just mentioned. If there is something going on with him that has nothing to do with me or how I’m doing my therapy. Maybe another patient is causing him undue strain or maybe something at home is worrying him. Of course I worry about his health and I hope he is okay. And maybe he just needed a vacation and was off his game lately. When I called him about a month ago he really snapped at me and bit my head off. I had left him a message and he didn’t call back. I waited for six hours and then called again and left another message. He called me back and said he just got in from a trip. I had no idea he was away (it was a Monday) and I said if I knew I would not have worried or even tried to call. He yelled at me that he won’t always be able to tell me when he is away and I just have to learn that these things will happen. Ouch. That was SO out of character for him and I’ve been with him for 3 years. I burst into tears when we hung up and was so upset and scared to go back to therapy again.

Cogs… I also put qualifiers into a lot of what I say and he has had me work to stop doing that and to just speak plainly with out them. So I’ve gotten better about that. Thank you for your support. I agree that he could have listened and heard me and what I was uneasy about. He was leaving me for a week and I didn’t need to correct my speech patterns then and there. And what I did was not so horrible. At one point I was so nervous I heard what sounded like him loudly sighing with impatience with me. I got scared that I was really in trouble and pleaded with him not to get inpatient with me because I was really trying. He said he was not sighing but coughing. So you see how scared I was that I just jumped to that conclusion right away.
After we hung up I was supposed to go into the bank (I was parked outside when he called) but I was crying by then so I just drove away.

I drove to the park where I have C’s memorial rock. It was a nice evening and I thought it would help to go sit there and think a bit and try to find some comfort somewhere. Maybe feeling closer to C would help me in some way. Well, to my horror, when I got there the rock was missing. I had the rock with a small wooden cross just peeping out behind the rock. Both are leaning against a tree in the crook of its exposed roots. It was no place to be found. I had just seen it there two days earlier and I was planning to bring flowers on his birthday later this month. I felt so bereft and struck with loss once more. I didn’t get out of the car. I just sat there until I could drive away. I have not been back since.

TN
armoredheartarmoredheartMember
((((TN))))

I am so sorry Frowner I looked at some of your earlier posts and saw some of your story about C. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel now after visiting the memorial spot. I want to validate how hurt you must feel, and offer support and hugs. It may not feel comforting to think of this now, but I wonder if there is any other means or place that you feel a sense of connection to C? It sounds like the memorial spot was very special and important to you, I am so sorry to hear how your evening went Frowner I hope you can be gentle with yourself now and hang on to the bond and memories of C, they will always be with you. I hope T will return with a renewed energy and you will feel the comfort and reassurance you need from about this and your interactions with him. Until then you have so much support here to let you know you are heard and cared about. Big hugs

Hug two Hug two Hug two

AH
starfishstarfishMember
(((((TN)))) I am so sorry to hear how hard this is for you. I'm a bit out of time, but firstly wanted to send thoughts as you continue to remember and grieve for your dear friend Hug two Secondly I don't think you are 'doing it wrong' in the slightest, my T would say there are no rights or wrongs, especially when dealing with inner children/parts. I wonder if again it is dear T's issue that is coming to the fore, rather than yours. If it were me, being told how I should put something would simply make me clam up rather than reach out.

I am sorry, I have to dash but am thinking of you,

starfishy
L lieseMember
((((TN)))))

I'm sorry if I was less than empathic. I've certainly called my T a lot for reassurance if something we talked about bothered me and it would jolt me as well if he was anything less than reassuring especially right before a vacation.

Your T does tend to go into intellectual mode sometimes when that's not where you need him to be. I hope you two can work through this. I also hope you are doing okay today. I know you usually see him on Thursday. Just four more days till you see him again and hopefully sort this out.

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
AH... thank you for your lovely words. I'm grateful for your support in the midst of your own very real pain. I'm sorry you are struggling so much. C is buried in another country so I can't visit his grave. I did the memorial in the park because he loved kids and I knew it would be a happy spot for him. And I would feel good going there to visit.

starfishy... yes I agree ... being told how to speak has almost rendered me speechless. Thank you for your support and your post. I hope you are doing okay.

Liese... thanks. It was just bad timing. If I had been able to see him on Monday then it would have been worked out I'm sure. I did okay today. I'm just shut down for protection.

Update.......

Today late afternoon I received a short email from T. My T NEVER initiates an email unless he is cancelling or moving an appointment and that is rare. So I was pretty shocked to see it in my in-box. He said he wanted to make sure he didn't miss an email from me. He hoped I was having a good week and said he'll see me on Monday. I didn't respond. My reaction was to freeze. I could not even think.

So I'm trying to think of an appropriate response. He flies home tomorrow night and I see him Monday. I'm not even sure what I will say to him.

TN
jonesjonesMember
Hi TN -

I just saw this and I was wondering about the stuff at the memorial spot being moved. I guess we'll never know what happened, but I'm wondering if a little child came and was intrigued/interested in the special rock and the little cross... I can see a child wanting to play with them without understanding any significance....

I know how upsetting it could be to see that spot changed - I was so upset recently to see my dear cat's memorial spot was no longer sheltered as it had been and her rock was gone. But maybe it could help a little to imagine that what happened may have been totally innocent - a child playing, in a way C would have loved to see.

Jones
L lieseMember
((((TN)))))

I think it's so cool he initiated contact. You are on his mind. He is connected to you. He cares. I know what it's like when you get in that space. It's very hard to trust.

quote:
because T accused me of not processing in therapy


I know it probably felt like an accusation but he's just giving you feedback. He DOES care.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Jones and thanks for your response.

I would like very much to believe it was a child. But the rock was rather large and very heavy so I don't see how a child would easily pick it up and carry it away. It was a large river stone, polished by the water. Not a rock that would fit in the palm of your hand. Unfortunately, I believe it was an uncaring landscaper who mowed the lawn, saw it and tossed it away without a thought. It was very obviously a memorial as the cross had C's initials and date of death. It was in a pretty unobstrusive spot and had been there for over a month. It was just so shocking to me despite knowing it "could" possibily be moved away.

I'm sorry for what happened to you cat's memorial. I know how difficult feels. Pets are so important in our lives. My T told me he has "stepping stones" for each of his dogs that died. I like hearing that.

Best
TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Liese... yes I did send him a short response telling him that I didn't send him an email and thanked him for checking in on me and said it has been a difficult week. I will see him tomorrow and there is so much in my head right now I'm not sure where to start or what to say. When I get this overwhelmed I end up saying nothing.

Jones... thank you for reminding me that the love in my heart has not changed at all. I am still struggling to come to terms with the way everything ended. It helps to think of a way to make his memorial permanent.

TN
MallardMallardMember
TN I just wanted to say that I had been following your thread but have kind of been in a wordless spot myself. I am glad you were able to clear things up with T. It really is extraordinarily painful to go through these ups and downs in therapy. I feel like I want to salute you for being so brave in the face of all this pain, and uncertainty.

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