Affinity, this sounds exactly like something I would write. It makes me crazy to feel like this. I constantly tell him he doesn't care about me and NONE of this is real. Oh, it's real for me, but he REALLY doesn't care. He stops me and tells me not to tell him how he feels. Then he said my defenses where in full gear and looked me in the face and said he felt very insulted by my thinking that he doesn't care about me. "Am I just a piece of wood in a chair?" Just say it out loud to me dammit!!!! He will never come out and say he cares about me, which drives me insane. Just the other day I told him "you only care about me or this relationship in the clinical sense, none of this is real. It's only about the "work". He said a "clinical" therapist says hardly anything in session. He is very giving verbally. He has told me at certain times he has had trouble sleeping over some of our sessions.....so that said to me, he must care. I also believe the intensity of the relationship has a lot to do with how much a client matters to the T. Don't believe the therapy love articles. It is to intense a topic to be so generalized. And, don't feel gullible or embarrassed. Actions speak louder than words.

Thanks, VeryHopeful.

I know how frustrating it can be to not hear certain words from your T, but, unfortunately, hearing them doesn't help much when you're in a place of not wanting to trust him.

One factor worth considering is this:

What kind of person decides he or she wants to be a therapist?

For the degree of education required, you don't make all that much money. It might seem like it--but each therapy hour requires about 2-3 hours of work, usually: there's scheduling, record-keeping, returning phone calls and emails, possibly court, research, continuing ed classes and seminars.

If a therapist is part of an agency, he or she is paid a salary or pays up to 40% back into the agency or group.

If in private practice, there's overhead and lack of benefits.

It's emotionally taxing and sometimes heartbreaking.

You have to want to be a therapist to become one, to accept this things. Otherwise, there are far easier ways to make money. You have to care a lot about people--and "people" means clients.

If you are a parent, you know you would have loved any child who came to you. But a very special and irreplaceable relationship develops with the one you get.

It's like that in therapy.

The boundaries hurt, but they protect that very special relationship.

At the end of the day, it's really not that hard to feel affection for a fellow human who pours her heart out to you every week.

I think the majority of therapists become therapists because they themselves have experienced deep levels of trauma, rejection, loss and deprivation in there early years and want to "help" others heal their pain. I keep forgeting that it takes a special person to choose this profession. It is serious work and you do need to find the well-trained.

Hi Affinity -

After having many trust issues with a bad-fit T last year, I decided to do something different with my current T (who is a good fit).

I decided to trust her. And to behave like I do.

+ I no longer try to take responsibility for ending the session on time. It is her job, and I trust her to do it.

+ I believe what she says to me. If I start to have doubt, I remind myself that I am trusting her. I don't accept that she is being anything but truthful.

+ I tell her anything and everything, trusting her to be non-judgmental and helpful. I believe that if I omit things about my feelings or actions, I am only sabotaging myself by not giving T the whole picture which she needs to best help me.

+ I don't let problems or issues or feelings between us linger without saying something. Those things just fester and get worse the longer they're not talked about.

Abiding by these decisions (which I've never done completely with anyone else) clears out so much crap that we are better able to really address the issues for which I need therapy.

No, I don't do this perfectly. But I make a huge effort. It has really had an amazing effect on my therapy.

So... this is my "wisdom." I hope it helps.



-RT

RT,

That is one truly amazing list of things. I need to learn from you. I am currently doing it all wrong and am stuck. This was good for me to read.

SD

Thanks so much, everybody! , for your replies. They were all very helpful.

I'm not sure what happened the other day. I seem to do some version of this (not believing anything) every time my connection to T deepens. I guess it's because my feelings of affection are much stronger than his, and that imbalance makes me feel vulnerable. If I can convince myself that he doesn't care at all, I can "get over" how I feel - or at least put some shields up.

[Sigh]

Therapy is hard.

Yes Affinity the imbalance is what gets me. She is my one and only T. The only person that I have that intense a relationship with. I am one of many people that she has that intense relationship with. She can't possibly care for me the way I care for her therefore, her care can't be real. It is only manufactured during that one hour a week.

As you can see I struggle with this too. I think it would be 10x worse with a male therapist.

Jillann

The imbalance is the biggest obsticle for me. I absolutley hate it. He tells me not to hate it. I am falling deeper into therapy and can't stand it and now I am telling him, "I'm good, I'm fine. I think I am ready to stop". I want to get away from him and am so scared I won't be able to. Saying that just now tells me I don't think I am ready to stop. He does share with me some of his experience of his own therapy, which was three days a week for five years (he really wanted to know himself). He wants me to know he knows what this feels like. But there is defintely a male-female dynamic going on here. If he were a woman I don't think I would be feeling so intense. He told me once he gives a lot of thought to what I experience and I believe him. I just want to live with him. It would make things just right! I would be "cured"!

((((SD))))

The imbalance is tough. I've been with my T for 2yrs 3 months. Developed feelings early on. Think I would have been attracted even in a non therapeutic setting. Have had feelings of love for T for about 1 1/2 half years.

I've shared my feelings with my T. T has been great and understanding. Much better than some others I read about here. T has said she loves me deeply. I believe there is some counter transference but not sure just how.

Parts of me believe that T doesn't really care and this isn't real. It's business. Those parts are the ones that need the most healing and the toughest ones to reach.

I triggered her big time a few months ago. Over the next two sessions we discussed it because I wouldn't let it go. Felt it affected the relationship. She owned up and expressed how triggered she was by me and how vulnerable she felt. I believe she sometimes struggles re: counter transference but has never behaved inappropriately. I give her kudos.

I think a T can "follow a script" to a degree but it would be very hard for them not to develop feelings for their client and sincerely care about them. Just not always the way we want.

It is very important to have a well grounded T who is not only able to deal with our issues but theirs as well. I think I finally found one but am not sure that I can/will let her help me anymore.

As you said, round and round we go...Hang in there. Sounds like your T understands.