I’ve voted no to this for the following reasons. As someone has said on another thread, while there are dozens of other forums that focus on specific issues and diagnoses etc, this is one of the (very) few forums which offers the opportunity to talk specifically about being in therapy.

While I’m not against having sub forums which allow for discussions about things not specifically related to therapy, I am reluctant to see this forum lose its prime focus and become fragmented. Opening up yet another sub forum on such a narrow and specific topic as domestic abuse I dunno just seems to me would create feelings of exclusion. Well for me anyway. I’d have nothing to say about it and probably not even read such a forum, whereas if such threads appeared in Coffee Talk or Sensitive Issues I’d be more likely both to read and even possibly to reply.

I guess I’m a bit concerned that the main topic of this forum, being in therapy, is getting lost. Yes that’s utterly selfish of me, because I’ve found this place amazing, amongst other things because I’ve been able to hear other people’s personal stories and struggles and respond to them in the context of being in therapy, which gives me common grounds from which to respond and lets me feel that I can contribute, belong, whereas specific personal issues presented out of the context of therapy leave me unable to respond helpfully or usefully because I have no shared experience to draw on. If that makes sense.

It’s not the topic of domestic abuse itself that I’m unhappy about, it’s my fear that the more sub forums we have that are devoted to issues not related to therapy, the more the forum will lose its cohesive and unifying character, the very thing that makes it such a great place.

LL

LL,
Thank you, I think you are making some excellent points. This is the kind of feedback I was hoping to get (not for or against the forum, but why someone would want what they want). I appreciate you sharing this.

AG

Ugh, PAD, I'm very sorry!!!

LL, I read your thoughts yesterday and have been thinking about them overnight. I’m conflicted, because I do partially agree with some of your points, but I think I disagree over others. It’s really good that you shared your view and hopefully others will as well, because we ought to make a decision which has the greatest amount of support and will be of the most benefit overall.

The parts on which I agree with you:

(1) I, too, do not want the forum to lose its unifying character. Perhaps the presence of too many subforums could have that as a detrimental side effect.

(2) I do think we should preserve as the main purpose of the forum, as is stated in its title, a goal of making counseling effective – a place to discuss our therapy. I agree that this purpose is the main unifying factor among us.

The parts on which I'm not sure or where I disagree:

(1) I would not say that domestic violence is necessarily an issue unrelated to therapy. Although not for you, for some people it is just as much a part of why they are in therapy as a number of other topics which we tolerate on the forum, such as child sexual abuse or substance abuse. I will use myself as an example when I share here that I witnessed domestic violence nearly every day of my childhood, and to a lesser degree in my marriage, and that it has definitely contributed to the reasons why I am in therapy today, and it is a topic which comes up regularly in my discussions with T, although I have not written much about it on the forum.

(2) I believe there already exists an unspoken feeling of exclusion when it comes to talking about domestic violence. This could just be me, but I don’t really feel it is “safe” to openly discuss domestic violence on the forum. And if it is “safe” then why has almost nobody done it? I think it is likely because domestic violence is a shaming issue, especially if it is affecting one currently and not just in the past. I think from your point of view, not having experience with domestic violence, then you would personally not see a need for it. So that was one purpose of my poll, to see if there does exist a significant interest/need for it or not among the members here. The results seemed to show that 73% of the respondents (and admittedly there were only 15 of them) voted “Yes” or “Maybe/It Depends” to wanting to discuss domestic violence on the forum. I can’t speak with certainty for those who voted “Maybe/It Depends” but I suspect the “It Depends” part of it could be related to a feeling of safety. Perhaps they don’t feel comfortable discussing it on the open forum where some folks can’t relate, but they might venture to discuss it in an area where people have specifically chosen to be there. Or maybe, like you, the “It Depends” votes are related to wanting to limit the topic to how it relates to therapy, so that this forum does not become a Domestic Violence Forum and lose the overall focus on counseling. If that was their concern, they might be opposed to giving it a special place.

I realize that you were not saying that no one should ever post about domestic violence. You were not necessarily labeling it as a taboo topic, but just wanting it to be included on the open forum rather than assigned its own forum. I see how that might be more unifying. But my question is…will that unity be achieved at the sacrifice of people not feeling safe enough to have a voice about a sensitive topic? Do people want to post about domestic violence among those who have never experienced it and don’t understand? There could be some benefit to doing so – some shared insight – but only IF it ever happened on the open forum, which so far it really hasn’t happened. So will the unity be there only because people then won’t talk about it at all? On the other hand, if a separate forum is created for domestic violence, how much traffic will it get? Will people use it there either? I don’t have all the answers to these questions, but I feel they are ones we should consider asking.

DF, I have been thinking since my last post about the same thing you mentioned, that perhaps if we make a separate forum for DV, then wouldn't we be setting a precedent to make subforums for things like CSA too? In a sense, this precedent has already been set when we set up subcategories for substance abuse, intimate discussions, and sensitive issues. I guess I question whether these categories are any more justified than a DV category. But maybe this precedent should be undone if the list is going to get really long.

I think the main reasons I haven't talked about DV here (before initiating the current discussion) is because, like I wrote above, it is a shaming issue. And more so since no one seems to have broken the ice. And then when I do bring it up, then responses like LL's scare me away even more. Not that LL wrote anything mean, only her honest opinion, but it is evidence that not everyone on the OF understands or sympathizes with the issue of DV. And I am not comfortable discussing an issue which is already shaming for me around people who can't relate. So perhaps the solution for someone like me is to find another forum somewhere else if I only want to talk about DV among people who can relate and are also there for that same reason. And if I want to talk about therapy (minus some of those reason like DV which brought me to therapy), then I can come here to talk. That's just me.

Oh MH I’m so sorry that I’ve made you feel that talking about Domestic Abuse is unacceptable or unwelcome here

I want to be really clear that my opposition is solely to setting up another sub forum, and is not against you personally nor against the topic of DA at all. I’m also not saying that personal issues have to be talked about solely within the context of therapy. I hope you don’t feel that I’m saying that because DA (or any other issue for that matter, like CSA or PTSD etc) isn’t therapy related that it shouldn’t be discussed, that is not my meaning at all.

DF has actually explained quite clearly what I intended with my post (thanks DF!)

For me, the main focus of this forum, being in therapy, is what gives me a sense of commonality and shared experience with others, it allows me to contribute from the common ground of being in therapy (much as DF is describing about other forums where most people understand each other’s experiences first hand). My fear is that by creating sub forums for specific topics the forum will become diluted and people will become fragmented into sub-groups, and that the main focus of this forum (therapy) will become subsidiary.

I am not ADAMANTLY against the creation of new subforums per se. But I do prefer the idea of say, expanding the current Sensitive Issues forum to incorporate any shame inducing or triggering topics, rather than creating separate forums for specific topics. More than anything, keeping topics within the current forums we have allows for more people to read and respond, whereas topic specific forums I suspect would get less traffic.

Anyway once again I’d like to apologize MH, that what I’ve said has made you feel criticized and your suggestions unwelcome, that was genuinely not my intention.

LL

For me, DV and therapy go hand in hand.
All my issues for why I am in therapy are related to my abusive relationship with my husband. It would work well for me to have a subforum.