Hi all. I've posted here before but not much. I read a lot and know that this is the place where people really "get it."

Some quick background, which I know that unfortunately many of you can relate to.

I was seeing a T. He was inexperienced. He also was empathy in human form. I was addicted to the empathy and it took a while to see the warning signs. We ended therapy in a horrible way. It's a long story, but it was painful. This was about 11 months ago.

I began therapy with a new T soon after. He is/was very, very experienced with trauma, attachment, etc. He encouraged me to allow him to be my attachment figure (quite the opposite of T number one.) We've been working together for over 10 months now. He has reiterated time and again that he isn't going anywhere. That he plans to retire eventually, but other than unexpected death he WILL be there. He has also proven this to me time and again. So the attachment worked and the healing began.

Well, something happened. Something in T's personal life, although I don't know what. He left a message with his answering service that he would be out of the office for a few months. It was up to me to realize he wasn't showing up to appointments and to call his answering service. No direct communication from him. Obviously something has gone horribly wrong. After some inquiry I know that it is not life threatening -- so at least I'm not imagining he has terminal cancer or was in a tragic accident.

Of course that leaves me with a myriad of emotions and reactions. Through a friend I discovered that there is a female therapist with openings who works with PTSD, abuse, attachment, etc. So I had an appointment with her yesterday. She seems like a good fit for me so far and is excited to work with me.

But so much pain and thought is floating through my head and I'm feeling smothered in it.

My second therapist is gone. The one who "rescued" me from my horrible first therapist. The one who has enabled me to grow and heal so much these past months. And the one who is NOT dead but asked me, as a therapeutic tool, to rely on him and text him and let him be my attachment figure.

Then there is the new T. She is a she. I was abused by my mother and have avoided female Ts until now. The opportunities for growth with new T seem endless. And there is/will be a butt load of transference to work with. I'm already finding myself in disbelief that a female is even curious about me -- about who I am -- without any expectation of personal gain.

So I am a swirl of emotion and I feel *this* close to the edge. The edge of what, I'm not sure -- but the edge of some sort of instability.

I know many of you have experience the same or similar, so I'm hoping that you will have advice and/or comfort to offer. It's another long story but this is a particularly bad time for me to go off the rails (not that it's ever convenient).

Thank you for listening.