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Hi Erica!So are you saying you wanted your T to say specific things about you (like you're not stupid, bad, whatever?) I'm just guessing here that your T might not want to tell you those things because she thinks that no matter how much she says, it won't change your core beliefs about those things. You can see this on a lot of members on this forum. We constantly reassure them that they are good, lovable, wonderful people, and in spite of this they keep going back to thinking they are dirty, shameful, and bad, because they picked up those beliefs being abused as children and they haven't gotten to the source of them yet. Because your T does IFS, she will probably want to do parts work instead to try to get to the root of your negative beliefs about yourself and let go of those.
Having said that, I don't see that there would be any harm in her giving you the validation you want. If you're angry about not getting it, I think it's definitely worth telling her how you feel. Telling your T how you react to their behavior is one of the best ways to build a good relationship in therapy and make more progress.
((((ERICA))))
IDK the answer here but my first thought was because you opened up to her and actually asked her for something and she didn't do it? It's hard to ask for a need to be met when we are ashamed of having needs in the first place. You were brave and made yourself vulnerable.
For a long time, I didn't know if my T liked me or liked working with me. But it was such a vulnerable thing for me to expose to him (although I'm sure he probably knew) or to ask directly that I couldn't do it. I'm sure if I had and he didn't answer me, I would have felt rejected and/or invalidated too. It seems to me your reaction is normal. It sucks that it has to hurt so much, doesn't it?
quote:why can't she just validate me?!? And why do I care so much?!
IDK the answer here but my first thought was because you opened up to her and actually asked her for something and she didn't do it? It's hard to ask for a need to be met when we are ashamed of having needs in the first place. You were brave and made yourself vulnerable.
For a long time, I didn't know if my T liked me or liked working with me. But it was such a vulnerable thing for me to expose to him (although I'm sure he probably knew) or to ask directly that I couldn't do it. I'm sure if I had and he didn't answer me, I would have felt rejected and/or invalidated too. It seems to me your reaction is normal. It sucks that it has to hurt so much, doesn't it?
Thanks Liese for your reply! I agree with you that I think it hurts so much because I feel so vulnerable and exposed. We talked about how being needy is really shameful to me. So I guess the combination of the shame, vulnerability, and feeling of rejection is causing me to feel like this. I'm just really bad with being assertive, so it's a struggle for me to talk about this with my therapist. Thanks again!
((((ERICA))))
I just read your reply post and have to say I have had similar feelings. For a long time, I don't think my T thought I needed the validation and he was working on getting me to be more assertive. I couldn't do that because my parts were stuck in an internal battle learned in childhood. Basically it came down to the fact that my mother and I were engaged in a power struggle for my emotions/identity. And this was how I was experiencing my therapist on some level. I still didn't feel entitled to feel bad about anything. To feel bad about childhood.
He has since done a huge turnaround and we've spent a large amount of time with him validating the negative experiences from my past because I just wasn't able to do it on my own. Since then, I feel much calmer about what happened to me and more able to validate myself.
It's worth talking to her about it all and getting her perspective. Maybe she thinks if she validates you, you will become dependent upon her for that validation instead of learning to do it for yourself. But if you can't do it for yourself to begin with, you will continue to seek it from others.
I just read your reply post and have to say I have had similar feelings. For a long time, I don't think my T thought I needed the validation and he was working on getting me to be more assertive. I couldn't do that because my parts were stuck in an internal battle learned in childhood. Basically it came down to the fact that my mother and I were engaged in a power struggle for my emotions/identity. And this was how I was experiencing my therapist on some level. I still didn't feel entitled to feel bad about anything. To feel bad about childhood.
He has since done a huge turnaround and we've spent a large amount of time with him validating the negative experiences from my past because I just wasn't able to do it on my own. Since then, I feel much calmer about what happened to me and more able to validate myself.
It's worth talking to her about it all and getting her perspective. Maybe she thinks if she validates you, you will become dependent upon her for that validation instead of learning to do it for yourself. But if you can't do it for yourself to begin with, you will continue to seek it from others.
quote:Originally posted by Liese:
But if you can't do it for yourself to begin with, you will continue to seek it from others.
Yes!! Definitely agree with this! Something to think about...and hopefully talk to my T about.
Hey there,
I just wanted to say that I've been there...
I've been seeing my T for a year now... And started with just breaking into intense apologies when I was feeling insecurerand wanting validation. With non-T people in our lives and feelings like this- people will either grab onto the apology and accept it. This can be frustrating , because part of us knows we just feel crappy and need someone to tell us it's okay. Either that or it will be confusing and frustrating.... Which can just make things worse.
So.. In my experience with my T... Instead of validating what I feel in that space... She pauses and asks what I'm feeling, what thoughts are running through my mind, and if I can sense where that feeling is in my body. I've grown to really appreciate it when she does this... Because instead of taking in my insecurity and trying to make me feel better, she takes the time with me to figure out in that moment what caused it... Was there a trigger we can explore?
Our T's making us feel better in the moment is a bit like having a slow leak in your tire... You could fill it up with a little bit of air every day endlessly. Or, you could look for the source of the leak and work on fixing it...
The one exception to this between my T and I is when my insecurity or apology is directly about her or something I believe I have done wrong in our time together. In those instances, she is quite direct in correcting whatever illusion I've created about there being an issue - and will solidify that all is well.
I just wanted to say that I've been there...
I've been seeing my T for a year now... And started with just breaking into intense apologies when I was feeling insecurerand wanting validation. With non-T people in our lives and feelings like this- people will either grab onto the apology and accept it. This can be frustrating , because part of us knows we just feel crappy and need someone to tell us it's okay. Either that or it will be confusing and frustrating.... Which can just make things worse.
So.. In my experience with my T... Instead of validating what I feel in that space... She pauses and asks what I'm feeling, what thoughts are running through my mind, and if I can sense where that feeling is in my body. I've grown to really appreciate it when she does this... Because instead of taking in my insecurity and trying to make me feel better, she takes the time with me to figure out in that moment what caused it... Was there a trigger we can explore?
Our T's making us feel better in the moment is a bit like having a slow leak in your tire... You could fill it up with a little bit of air every day endlessly. Or, you could look for the source of the leak and work on fixing it...
The one exception to this between my T and I is when my insecurity or apology is directly about her or something I believe I have done wrong in our time together. In those instances, she is quite direct in correcting whatever illusion I've created about there being an issue - and will solidify that all is well.
Hey Erica,
Welcome!
I know you need validation and it is a good thing that you discussed that with your T, but do you not maybe think it is like this....
If your T had have said something because you asked, would her validation have seemed genuine? I don't think so. I think it would have been even more invalidating because then you would have been thinking to yourself....she just said that because I asked her to. It would have meant nothing and then any further validation that she provided along the way would have seemed false.
Do you get what I am saying?
As another example, if somebody said....don't you think my painting is beautiful? Well what do you think the other person will say in response??? They will say "yes", but they may not MEAN "yes". It may just be a "yes" to make you happy. Whereas if someone saw your painting and without any prompting said....Wow that painting is beautiful! Where did you get it?
Do you see the power in that validation?
Your T knows your needs, and she knows that you need an honest validation. She also knows that as much you think you need other peoples validation, what you really need is to not have to seek that validation.
Hope that helps.
B2W
Welcome!
I know you need validation and it is a good thing that you discussed that with your T, but do you not maybe think it is like this....
If your T had have said something because you asked, would her validation have seemed genuine? I don't think so. I think it would have been even more invalidating because then you would have been thinking to yourself....she just said that because I asked her to. It would have meant nothing and then any further validation that she provided along the way would have seemed false.
Do you get what I am saying?
As another example, if somebody said....don't you think my painting is beautiful? Well what do you think the other person will say in response??? They will say "yes", but they may not MEAN "yes". It may just be a "yes" to make you happy. Whereas if someone saw your painting and without any prompting said....Wow that painting is beautiful! Where did you get it?
Do you see the power in that validation?
Your T knows your needs, and she knows that you need an honest validation. She also knows that as much you think you need other peoples validation, what you really need is to not have to seek that validation.
Hope that helps.
B2W
welcome to the forums, erica! i'm really not in a place right now where i can say much, but i'm glad you're here raising questions. alot of what you write is stuff i can relate to, and that alone is such a comfort ... that you're really not alone, but when you're really feeling alone you can come here and feel less alone. hugs to you in your journey
((erica))
Welcome!
I've gone through periods of not feeling validated by my therapist's too and I've raised fuss. I think as far as validation goes, at least w/ my Ts, they validate what I'm feeling or why I might be feeling that way. Where I think saying the opposite of what I'm saying would be comforting/reassuring rather than validating the 'core' issue. I guess my Ts work like NavyMe's - they do the body stuff too. I think Ts try to tell us the opposite of our negative feelings about ourselves by their actions. By her being attentive to you, responsive, empathetic, focusing on you - to me that communicates 'good enough' and 'significance' without words. Sorry - I'm NOT trying to talk you out of your feelings - I think they're going to be great to explore, I was just kind of musing on maybe why she did not directly oppose your thoughts on you with words at the time? Who knows.
I'm sorry your parts work was only minimally helpful
I hope next week is better and you're able to talk w/ your T about your anger with her and feeling invalidated.
Welcome!
I've gone through periods of not feeling validated by my therapist's too and I've raised fuss. I think as far as validation goes, at least w/ my Ts, they validate what I'm feeling or why I might be feeling that way. Where I think saying the opposite of what I'm saying would be comforting/reassuring rather than validating the 'core' issue. I guess my Ts work like NavyMe's - they do the body stuff too. I think Ts try to tell us the opposite of our negative feelings about ourselves by their actions. By her being attentive to you, responsive, empathetic, focusing on you - to me that communicates 'good enough' and 'significance' without words. Sorry - I'm NOT trying to talk you out of your feelings - I think they're going to be great to explore, I was just kind of musing on maybe why she did not directly oppose your thoughts on you with words at the time? Who knows.
I'm sorry your parts work was only minimally helpful
I hope next week is better and you're able to talk w/ your T about your anger with her and feeling invalidated.