Hi TAS, nice to meet you!

Have you talked to your T about this?

What are you avoiding feeling or confronting by focusing on the little things rather than what you are there for?

Do you feel safe enough in the relationship with your T to move forward and face those things?

Hi TAS,
Welcome! I still get hung up on little things and I've been going for 16 months. I don't know if you ever journal but I find it helps...atleast I can pick out something or a few things to get started...maybe just a short list of two or three things. My stuff becomes very obsessive/ruminating but recently discovered that the automatic thoughts come along and destroy the positive ones but one day recently I realized they were automatic and I let them go and didn't ruminate on them (I was informed that is called mentalizing)...part of depression or anxiety or both. I'm not finding it any easier unless I have made drafts in my e-mails and cut and pasted. Even then I'm not very effective because it feels like I'm telling stories and have a hard time getting to emotions and facing things. It's just hard work and could be like STRM suggests could be you're not safe enough with your T. Just throwing stuff out there. Hope you can figure it out.

Hopeful

Thank you scared to risk myself, hopeful and blanket girl.

The first meeting I had with my therapist was very emotional. He was understanding and did nothing to make me feel uncomfortable. He even commented a week ago, 'You don't feel safe.' I have wracked my brain trying to figure out why I don't feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. Honestly, I see this as a problem with myself and not with my therapist.

If I may give a little history... I was born and ended up in foster care...back and forth until I was three and then the state took us away from my mother until I was 6 and then placed us into a permanent home with complete strangers. The situation turned abusive and quickly deteriorated, severe trauma occurred.
Fast forward. Something happened and I am stuck in that moment. I have never spoke of these things until beginning to see this therapist. I realized that my back is against the wall. If I don't deal with these elements of my life, it will destroy everything I have ever wanted.
I do not trust easily. He will ask me something and I will say, 'It doesn't matter. It happened and there is nothing that can be done.' He always tells me it does matter.
Most of the time I go in there, I can't even remember half of what is said. I can't even look him in the eye.

I feel that I should be beyond this by now. I have met with him at least 25 times and chide myself for being so 'silly.' I tell myself to get it together...it just doesn't work.

Thank you for your kind words. TAS

I love the name 'Consider the Lilies' Thank you for the insight. I hear others say how attached they are to their therapist and honestly, I think, 'Oh, Hell NO!' I don't want to be close to him. I was minding my own business the other day and a thought popped into my head, something that he said during therapy. Then another thought came and I was terrified that I would actually think anything about him. I acted as if that thought was a piece of paper and shredded it. I know that sounds awful, but I don't want any thoughts about him in my head (or heart). That is another dynamic of this whole situation. How can this work if I am constantly fighting to maintain control?

I think I am frustrated with myself, most of all. I know what you are speaking of when you say you threw up before and after sessions. I still struggle with anxiety. I shake when I am in his office.

Thank you once again. TAS.

Thank you Blanket Girl.

I am very closed when it comes to talking to people face-to-face about personal problems, which is why I am not in therapy. I know sometimes therapists are really pushy and sometimes it gets really hard to handle. I would suggest maybe writing the "little" things you get hung up on down on paper and then see if you can make sense of some f it on your own. That works for me. When I see it on paper it's easier for me to see a solution to my issues. even if it's temporary sometimes it's easier to focus with your eyes instead of just in your head... IDK if you have already tried that or if it has already been mentioned. If so I apologize.

I hope that maybe, if not what I mentioned, something posted here can help!!
If not, just know that you are not alone!! ^_^

TAS I understand completely what you're saying. By pure coincidence, those are the issues I am dealing in therapy at the moment.

I'm incapable of trusting my T. I can be rational about it and understand that he probably does want to help and wouldn't do anything harmful on purpose, but there's always this alarm ringing in my head saying "don't let your guard down/don't trust anyone/protect yourself". I too wonder many times if I should just quit therapy and save my money because I have a hard time imagining myself really opening up. It's so freaking scary, why on earth would I do that, right? It's against everything I learnt so far, makes me feel so vulnerable and unprotected. I am scared of my T and the stuff he can do to me. I'm scared that he will hurt me.

This is common in people that endured trauma when they were kids, like you did. When we were younger and were being neglected/abused and couldn't run away from it, our defense mechanism was hypervigilance. We had to pay attention to every little facial expression, every gesture, any random clues around that could tell us how to behave in order to avoid it. To make it less painful. To survive. Meaning the part of the child's brain that is responsible for alertness is over stimulated and that carries on into adulthood. I know now that this is the root of my general anxiety. It's like a switch I can't turn off. I find many situations (socially for example) to be exhausting. I wonder if you feel the same way.

The funny thing about hypervigilance is that it makes me miss many of the real important stuff going on because there's only so much a brain can pay attention to. I'm clumsy and prone to accidents. I have nearly tripped over at T's office a few times. I guess my shakiness doesn't help either whenever I'm there:P

The need to control, the fear of losing it comes from the same place too. I got it too. I always found reckless people fascinating, because I'm the most cautious person ever. Even though I'm starting to realize how illusory my control over things and people is. I'm terrified of losing my independence, of having to be vulnerable at someone else's hands (whether it's family, possible partner or T, you name it), I promised myself I would never be in that position again. Sadly that makes me push away a whole lot of people that maybe meant only good.

Feeling uncomfortable, check. Feeling unsafe, check. Dread, check. I do love talking with my T about travelling or silly stuff about life, he is really intelligent and kind to me, but eventually the conversation needs to shift back to me. I know that I haven't gone much deep with my T and I feel as nervous and uncomfortable around him as my first session.

I don't know if this helps much, sorry if it is too much about me... I hope at least you understand that you're not alone in your pain and doubts. And at the very least, therapy helps you to aknowledge feelings that maybe you weren't aware of before. That's always the start

Eliana:

Thank you for your kind words. I think with time, it will get better.

TAS