hi TAS,
wow that's a very powerful dream!...thank you for sharing... i wonder if you're going to share this with your therapist too (i really hope you do!).

i'm not sure if you want other people's thoughts about what the dream might mean, or why you had it or what to do with it...? i feel like my thoughts might be more about me and i don't want to impose too much of me into such a personal and deep revelation from you. i will say that the little girls who were faceless really spoke to me... maybe they are parts of you that you are ashamed of and don't want your therapist to see... also, the little girl who kept breaking things is trying to tell your T of all the things that were broken for her (and the rage she still carries) but you are desperately trying to hide it. i say those things because these are things that are true for me, so i hope it doesnt detract from what you are trying to say.

i have to say i follow your threads (not in a stalker kind of way ) because you remind me of me in a way and your therapist reminds me of mine (although sometimes i think yours is better... but then again, i can be very critical of my T). i also think you are doing amazingly well, especially for someone who is fairly new at this therapy thing... i have been (trying to) doing this for a while and i feel i am rather slow. but that is my way or perhaps the only way its been possible for me.

anyway, i hope u can share this with THE therapist, i dont know if this is true for you, but for me dreams like this dont come very often!

puppet

Wow Puppet your take really resembles in many ways the kinds of things that came up for me while reading TAS’s dream. Maybe the themes and symbolism are pretty universal?

TAS I’m not going to try and interpret your dream for you, as Puppet said, I’d just be imposing my emotional reaction onto what is very much something personal and unique to you. It did affect me deeply though, the symbolism of the girl breaking things, the faceless girls, and your fear at their being exposed to T all made a lot of sense to me in terms of your experience (again though, that’s me imposing my reactions onto you.)

I’d be really interested to hear what your own thoughts about it might be. Have you thought about it? Did anything immediately strike you about it (apart from the obvious, and very chilling, connection between T, his cigarettes and your past.)

Is your T interested in your dreams and would he go along with whatever feelings come up for you when talking about them? That would be a really useful thing to do in therapy, dreams can shortcircuit our normal defences wonderfully and I see them as feelings in picture form – a great way of accessing what you’re really feeling about a whole load of different things that you might not normally think about in waking time.

LL

Hi TAS,
WOW! More of a nightmare than a dream!
I don't know you or anything about dreams etc. So please ignore my comments if they are off base. You know yourself best!
I did find you dream intriguing, so here are my thoughts.
There seems to be a trust theme - specifically with your therapist.
You don't trust that the testing (therapy) is helping. You feel he is not present with you; his family is present emotionally and makes it hard for therapy to work. You frantically worry that T will respond poorly if he knows of your childlike emotions. In fact you worry that T will hurt you like that smoker from your past.
If it is all about trusting T, please becareful. Trust yourself
On the other hand your dream may be more about something or someone else, and your T is just filling in
It tells you topay attention to llittle clues and to protect yourself. Is there a way you can be safe now that you didntor couldn't be
In the past?
Well that's really about me. Hope some of it helps. You know yourself best!
Blessings, KD

Puppet, Lamplighter, and Katiedid...THANK YOU! for your replies...Any thoughts are welcome about the dream

Puppet...I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head...Therapist and I did discuss this and he did say the little girl breaking things was me...and he did speak about trust...I have had such a hard time trusting him and if I may speak honestly, it has more to do with my past traumas and I have tested him in every way possible to make sure that he is truly here for the long run. I have been with him for over a year and I have quit almost every single week...the pack of cigarettes in the pocket really threw me...I didn't tell him about that because I didn't want to hurt his feelings...we talked about the dream again and I told him...I prefaced it with, "I don't want to hurt your feelings..."

He has tried to work on a**** with me but I truly can not go there...

There have been times I have thought about how much I have struggled to get where I am and it has been so difficult. Issues with trust, testing him, pushing him away. Pushing him as far as I can to see if he really does care and if he is truly not going anywhere.

I texted him yesterday and said, "Just touching base..." and he replied, "I'm here." Those two words gave me such comfort. For the first time in over a year I really felt that I am not alone in this. I have an ally that can help me through this.

Lamplighter: What struck me most about this dream is two things...the little girl continuously breaking things...me trying to put everything back together, but I can't. Trying to get the three little girls to go away. I have tried doing this on my own for a long time. I recently told Therapist that I felt like I wanted to hide. He said, "You don't have to hide. You are safe here." I started panicking and having difficulty breathing. I wanted to hide under his desk. I wanted to run and hide. That is a reoccuring theme in therapy. I want to run away.

Katiedid: Trust has been a definite theme in therapy. I have finally reached a point where I can say that I am beginning to trust him. He has not done anything to make me feel unsafe. Matter of fact, I have been in sessions where I have gotten up and walked across the room and he will let me have my space. He won't talk to me and he will wait for me to come back over instead of coming toward me or approaching me.

I have been trying to put myself back together...I feel like Humpty Dumpty.

One thing that is so odd to me is that I chose a male therapist because my worst abuser was a female. I knew that I could not deal with it. Well, damn it! He is a male therapist and I am experiencing negative transference...He is from Ohio as one of the abusers is also...the way he points sometimes reminds me of the female abuser...and the pack of pall malls in his pocket definitely did not help...

He did tell me that if I had that dream again to notice the feeling I had when I wake up...

Thank you guys so much for your replies. Any other insights would be greatly appreciated!

To Better Days,
T.

TAS- awsome dream! Really powerfull and filled with symbolism. Ditto what the other one`s said about interpreting others`dream, but it`s fun give it a try anyway!
What striked me was most of all the little girl smashing things - contra your trying to glue it togheter again. I see this as an analogy of being in therapy: You`re trying to "fix" those "broken" things from your childhood(? symbolised as the young childeren) but you "work" is under the constant threat of your abuser(the pall mall- guy).
It makes sense that you in some way put your T in his role (as your abuser) because that`s just very natural in therapy, (a powerfull defence mecanism, really) and it also explains the battle in you when trying to trust your T, and also it explains your ambivilance about attaching him.
Oh, there`s so meny thnings in the dream to speculate about, but i`ll leave it here. I may be way off here btw.
If I were you i would tell this dream to my T. It may hold so much relevant insight in your problems in T, that it can be a very usefull dream to talk about. I am sure your T wont be hurt in any way, - probably just thankful for getting the chance to know you and your issues better.
Thanks for sharing it with us!

Thank you Frog

I really appreciate you taking the time to write. What is so odd to me is that the primary abuser was female and he reminds me of her...or I am just seeing him as 'her' in some ways...I purposely did not go and see a female therapist for that very reason...I knew that I could not do it...and here I am...but I am not changing therapists because I do not want to start over and further, this man has put up with A LOT from me and has not said, "I can't help you. Go away." I have given him many times to do that. I have even said, 'If you want to go, just go.' He said, "I'm not doing that."

I think I am finally believing that I can truly trust him. I don't think it's him that I am scared of as much as it is of the process and opening up, being vulnerable and revealing myself. Living in the environment I did for 16 years...you didn't do that.

Thanks Frog!

To Better Days,
T.

Hi TAS... I have really been enjoying reading your recent posts. You have been doing a great job of opening up here as well as in therapy. You are making great progress!

I just wanted to mention a few things (not dream related). I notice you call your T "the Therapist" as if you cannot claim him as "your" T because if you do then you will lose him. Or maybe you have a fear of allowing him to actually mean anything to you.

When I lost my first T who I refer to as oldT now... I had refused to call him exT or oldT in my postings here. And I referred to my current T now only as newT.... NEVER "my T". I just could not do that for quite a few months. It would be like admitting that I did not have my oldT any longer as my T and I had such a hard time letting him go despite the fact that he abused and abandoned me.

But one day in session he said some things that touched me deeply and I really felt his care for me and his commitment to me and so then I wrote on here that newT was now MY T and my T was now "oldT". Is that confusing LOL?

Then a week or so later while in session I told my T this fact. He knew I posted to a board and he was very supportive of that. I told him how I made an announcement that he was now MY T. He said "thank you for telling me that. It means a lot to me." And I was SO glad that I told him this. Then I changed my avatar here to something meaningful to us and not oldT. I use a lighthouse because I have always believed that this T (MY T) is my light and he has been my light when all other lights had gone out. He has shined his light for me to follow and find my way home to him. He loved that too. The more I shared, the deeper the connection became and the stronger the relationship.

The other thing is... ah yes my blanket thread. I need to go look for that!

Hugs
TN

True North Thank you for your reply.

You are right. I do say the Therapist...that keeps some distance and it's interesting. The other day I was leaving and I said, "I thank you for your time..." and he said, "As she says it ever so formal..."

I don't want to get close...so I am trying to find the balance to do the work and not get hurt...

I can't bear anymore hurt. Truly. I am already struggling so much with what is going on with me personally. I don't want to get attached to anyone else.

Thank you for your reply and your thoughts...sure appreciate you True North!

T.

Hi TAS,

I just had a dream about my T but was afraid to tell him. I want to write about it but found your dream very intriguing.

Your dream reminded me of "Where the Wild Things Are." I was feeling a lot of compassion for the girl that was trying to protect the others. She was so grown up. She was sweet. She was brave, as if she were willing to take the fall for the others.

I've had all kinds of transference for my T even though he's a man. Sometimes he's reminded me of my Dad, my Mom, my sister, my brother. So, to me, it doesn't seem unusual that your T would remind you of different figures from your past. Sometimes, mostly in the past, my T would say things in a way that reminded me exactly of how my mother used to say things - a tone that used to cut me with a knife.

I agree with the others that your T appearing with the pall mall pack seems to represent your ambivalence. You're not quite sure how your T would react to your anger and the only "template" you have now is how the pall mall man used to react.

I don't want to hijack your thread but I'm wondering if you can help me with my dream.

I had a dream recently that I was in session. To my knowledge, I haven't actually had a dream that I was in session till now. Not that I've remembered. Dreams that I thought were about my T but none this direct.

So, there we were, maybe 15 or 30 minutes into the session when there was a knock at the door. T answered it and it was another client. Standing there was a gorgeous blond. He let her in and she started to talk. We both listen to her for a while and then after a time, I realize, hey, this is MY session and who the hell is this person taking over my session. So I get up and walk out. As I'm walking out, my T asks her, "so, were you okay on Friday?" and he completely ignored me and the fact the I was walking out.

I was going to leave and just disappear and nurse my wounds by myself when I thought, that bastard, I can't believe he did this so I decided to wait for him and confront him.

He and the woman stayed in his office for a long time. When they finally came out, he walked her to the door and then even followed her out to her car - all the while never even noticing I was there.

When I woke up, I was still waiting for him to come back. I think I then had another dream that was similar.

My first impression, and why I didn't share it with T, was that I thought the dream was about jealousy.

But then, I realized how wrong it was that his secretary let this woman knock on the door during my session and that my T let her in and let her stay and then completely ignored me. The fact that I was going to leave because I was feeling ashamed for being me but then decided to stay and stand up for myself seemed significant. And maybe the fact that she was blond and gorgeous was significant only because those are things I am not and people I would probably typically defer to??? Just wondering. What do you think?

Hello Liese, I don't mean to hijack TAS’s thread either but I wanted to chip in with my 2 cents’ worth of interpretation your dream.

quote:

The fact that I was going to leave because I was feeling ashamed for being me but then decided to stay and stand up for myself seemed significant.

I’d say it’s very significant! Almost the pivotal point of the dream (which in my books is always about one’s feelings and attitudes – I see dreams as being feelings made concrete.) It’s your psyche telling you that it’s not only time to stand up for yourself, but that actually, you are ok just as you are – that’s a pretty big step forward!

I get the sense there is a lot of meaning in this dream – remembering previous posts of yours about run ins you’ve had with T’s secretary and how you’ve felt ‘lesser’ compared to people who’ve had it easy (physically attractive, popular, culturally preferred icons – eg blond and sexy!)

Off the top of my head I see the blond woman as your fear of the ‘type’ of person T (or anyone that matters to you) would prefer, and so in your dream she just waltzes in with all the self confidence of someone who believes they are universally liked and your T immediately ignores you and wants to talk to her instead. I find it really interesting that you initially just accept this (as maybe you’ve done in the past in similar FEELING situations) but that bit by bit you start to realize just how you’re letting things happen and start to stand up for yourself. I think this reflects a real change in how you’re seeing both yourself and other previously perceived ‘more important’ and therefore threatening, people.

Does that ring any bells? I’m sorry to sound like I know what I’m talking about, this is just based on my immediate reactions to reading your dream and of course, only MY thoughts on it.

LL

p.s. sorry TAS if this seems like a hijack

p.p.s. maybe we should resurrect the Dream thread where we could all post our dreams and talk about them? Or start a new one…

(((LL)))

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head. One I woke up from the dream, I at first just assumed that it was about jealousy - shame shame - more negative emotions that I have and again, more reason for me to feel bad about it all, even about having the dream.

But the more I thought about it, my view of the dream changed as well - just liked my view of what was going on in session in the dream evolved as time went on. Hmmmm, life imitating my dreams?

Thanks for the thoughts. It's always nice to hear someone else's interpretations.