Okay, so I have a lot to say, and it's not all exactly connected, so be prepared for a ramble.

1) Yay, she's back, she's back, she's back! (I'm talking about my T who was on vacation for 2 weeks. It was really hard.) Actually, she came back last week, and I saw her on Monday, then I took my daughter and one of her friends to Disneyland, and missed my appointment on Wed. and my phone call from my T on Friday. So, starting tomorrow, we're back to normal.

2) I have the answers inside of me! When I was driving to DLand, and at DLand the first day, I was missing my T so much. It hurt! I was standing in a line crying because I missed her so much. Here I was at the happiest place on earth crying because I missed my therapist. It just seemed like she had been gone for so long, and I had left after that, and maybe she had disappeared from my life altogether. I called her from DLand and asked her to call and leave me a message, because I needed to know that she was still there and that everything was okay.

So, I went on with my day. At one point, I was missing her and my heart hurt. I thought to myself, "I really need to try to be present with what I'm doing, be in the moment, enjoy my day here, rather than wishing I were somewhere else." I kept saying it to myself. I still kept missing my T, but I kept saying that to myself. Eventually, I was able to enjoy the moment.

When I got back to my hotel room, my phone started ringing. I ransacked my backpack trying to find it, and I finally found it when it went to voicemail. My T, left a message telling me to be in the moment rather than wishing I were somewhere else, and that she's here for me, and she'll call me on Friday and see me on Monday, and we'll pick up where we left off. I was so excited that I have the answers inside of me! I might not know how to apply them yet, but they're there. All of these weeks, months, and now even years, of my T repeating the same thing over and over again is finally beginning to pay off!

3) I've had a couple of dreams about my T. It's strange, because prior to this, I haven't really dreamt about her so much. Now, I've had 3 dreams about her in as many nights. In the first one, I was just with her. It felt so good. It felt like home. I woke up feeling pleasant and happy. Then, I was sad to see that she wasn't with me.

In another dream, she called me, I saw that it was her when my cell phone rang, but I pretended that I didn't know it was her, because I didn't want her to know how eager I was to talk to her. She asked if I remembered her home number. I kept asking, "Who is this?" She said, "You know who I am." I said, "Yeah, but I can't hear you too well. Who is it?" She finally said who it was. Then, she asked if I remembered her home number. (I know her home number, because she calls me from her home number on Fridays, and it shows up on my cell phone. But I don't know if she knows that I know her home number or if she knows that it shows up on my cell phone. I would never call it, because that would be crossing a boundary, and it would push our relationship into unsafe territory, and because I respect her. But, I like to secretly know that I know it.) So, in the dream, I didn't want her to know that I know it. I wanted to keep it a secret that I know it. So, I said, "You know you're phone number." She said that she forgot it, and that's why she called me, because she thought I might know it. I kept pretending like I didn't know it. She was desperate, because she needed to call home to get a ride, so after holding onto the power a little longer, I finally said, "I think I know the first 3 digits." I told her the first three digits, then she remembered the rest.

Then, somehow, I offered her a ride home. She said that she really needed a ride, and that would be great. She asked if I had room for her two grandchildren. In real life, she has a granddaughter. Sometimes I hate her granddaughter, because she gets her and I don't. It's not fair! And because she gets to have her for a grandmother, and my daughter's grandmother died. So, in the dream, I was a little annoyed that the grandkids were coming, too, but I said, okay. I told her that I had a little bit of time, because I have another therapist that I see on Tuesdays (this was in the dream. In real life, I only see her. In the dream, I hadn't told her about the other therapist, but for some reason, I wanted to hurt her, so I told her about the other therapist.)

She got her two grandkids, and I got my daughter. They were all waiting in the car, and I kept them waiting for a long time. I went up to a friend of mine, and started singing a song and dancing hip hop very well (I actually can't dance to save my life, but in the dream, I was an excellent dancer.) I was so happy that my T saw me interacting with a friend and that she saw how good of a dancer I was, because I always want her to know that I'm not only the dork that I am in therapy. I was really enjoying the power of having her wait for me in the car, so much so that I had her wait for 45 minutes while I talked to friends and stuff. Anyway, that was how the dream ended, with her waiting.

It was weird having this desire in the dream to have power over her and to hurt her. She seemed so small and vulnerable. It was also weird that she needed me. There have been so many times that I have needed her, and she is consistently there for me and is kind and caring and loving and supportive. I know it was just a dream, but the first time she needs me, I get all power hungry and abuse the power. I feel like she has a lot of power in this relationship, but she has never abused the power.

It's very confusing. Any thoughts on the matter?

Have any of you had dreams about your therapist?


I have more to say, but it's my daughter's turn for the computer.

catgirl