Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
Okay, so I have a lot to say, and it's not all exactly connected, so be prepared for a ramble.

1) Yay, she's back, she's back, she's back! (I'm talking about my T who was on vacation for 2 weeks. It was really hard.) Actually, she came back last week, and I saw her on Monday, then I took my daughter and one of her friends to Disneyland, and missed my appointment on Wed. and my phone call from my T on Friday. So, starting tomorrow, we're back to normal.

2) I have the answers inside of me! When I was driving to DLand, and at DLand the first day, I was missing my T so much. It hurt! I was standing in a line crying because I missed her so much. Here I was at the happiest place on earth crying because I missed my therapist. It just seemed like she had been gone for so long, and I had left after that, and maybe she had disappeared from my life altogether. I called her from DLand and asked her to call and leave me a message, because I needed to know that she was still there and that everything was okay.

So, I went on with my day. At one point, I was missing her and my heart hurt. I thought to myself, "I really need to try to be present with what I'm doing, be in the moment, enjoy my day here, rather than wishing I were somewhere else." I kept saying it to myself. I still kept missing my T, but I kept saying that to myself. Eventually, I was able to enjoy the moment.

When I got back to my hotel room, my phone started ringing. I ransacked my backpack trying to find it, and I finally found it when it went to voicemail. My T, left a message telling me to be in the moment rather than wishing I were somewhere else, and that she's here for me, and she'll call me on Friday and see me on Monday, and we'll pick up where we left off. I was so excited that I have the answers inside of me! I might not know how to apply them yet, but they're there. All of these weeks, months, and now even years, of my T repeating the same thing over and over again is finally beginning to pay off!

3) I've had a couple of dreams about my T. It's strange, because prior to this, I haven't really dreamt about her so much. Now, I've had 3 dreams about her in as many nights. In the first one, I was just with her. It felt so good. It felt like home. I woke up feeling pleasant and happy. Then, I was sad to see that she wasn't with me.

In another dream, she called me, I saw that it was her when my cell phone rang, but I pretended that I didn't know it was her, because I didn't want her to know how eager I was to talk to her. She asked if I remembered her home number. I kept asking, "Who is this?" She said, "You know who I am." I said, "Yeah, but I can't hear you too well. Who is it?" She finally said who it was. Then, she asked if I remembered her home number. (I know her home number, because she calls me from her home number on Fridays, and it shows up on my cell phone. But I don't know if she knows that I know her home number or if she knows that it shows up on my cell phone. I would never call it, because that would be crossing a boundary, and it would push our relationship into unsafe territory, and because I respect her. But, I like to secretly know that I know it.) So, in the dream, I didn't want her to know that I know it. I wanted to keep it a secret that I know it. So, I said, "You know you're phone number." She said that she forgot it, and that's why she called me, because she thought I might know it. I kept pretending like I didn't know it. She was desperate, because she needed to call home to get a ride, so after holding onto the power a little longer, I finally said, "I think I know the first 3 digits." I told her the first three digits, then she remembered the rest.

Then, somehow, I offered her a ride home. She said that she really needed a ride, and that would be great. She asked if I had room for her two grandchildren. In real life, she has a granddaughter. Sometimes I hate her granddaughter, because she gets her and I don't. It's not fair! And because she gets to have her for a grandmother, and my daughter's grandmother died. So, in the dream, I was a little annoyed that the grandkids were coming, too, but I said, okay. I told her that I had a little bit of time, because I have another therapist that I see on Tuesdays (this was in the dream. In real life, I only see her. In the dream, I hadn't told her about the other therapist, but for some reason, I wanted to hurt her, so I told her about the other therapist.)

She got her two grandkids, and I got my daughter. They were all waiting in the car, and I kept them waiting for a long time. I went up to a friend of mine, and started singing a song and dancing hip hop very well (I actually can't dance to save my life, but in the dream, I was an excellent dancer.) I was so happy that my T saw me interacting with a friend and that she saw how good of a dancer I was, because I always want her to know that I'm not only the dork that I am in therapy. I was really enjoying the power of having her wait for me in the car, so much so that I had her wait for 45 minutes while I talked to friends and stuff. Anyway, that was how the dream ended, with her waiting.

It was weird having this desire in the dream to have power over her and to hurt her. She seemed so small and vulnerable. It was also weird that she needed me. There have been so many times that I have needed her, and she is consistently there for me and is kind and caring and loving and supportive. I know it was just a dream, but the first time she needs me, I get all power hungry and abuse the power. I feel like she has a lot of power in this relationship, but she has never abused the power.

It's very confusing. Any thoughts on the matter?

Have any of you had dreams about your therapist?


I have more to say, but it's my daughter's turn for the computer.

catgirl
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

Hi Catgirl

I had a dream about my T after I terminated her services. I dreamed I was out to dinner and her and some colleges were sitting behind us but she did not know it was me. She started talking to her colleges and revealing every intimate detail of my life to them. She even told them my name, what had happened, and I had terminated my services with her. I waited a minute, stood up, turned around and said that's enough. I told her off and left. I just figured it was because I was angry at her for the abuse in our last session. I wanted to hurt her too. Then I realized it is not worth the wasted energy. I know she will not loose any sleep over it. That is a strange dream you had. I'm not sure what it means.
I talked to my T today about this dream. I told her that I felt bad, because I felt like I was so mean to her and I was really enjoying my power in the dream. She said that there was no reason to feel bad, it was just a dream.

We talked about how I have never really had a relationship, even a friendship where I didn't give away all of my power. I now have a couple of friendships in which the power is equal. We also talked about my relationship with her. I told her that it's hard, because she has all of the power, and that I'm grateful that she has never abused the power and that she has somehow not kept all of the power, but in a healthy way. I don't know if this makes sense.

Anyway, she thinks the dream is sort of a sign of the growth that I've made, and that I'm ready to have more power in my relationships. The fact that I kept her waiting, she saw as a positive thing, that I'm in a place where I'm not always going to jump right away anymore when someone tells me to. She thought that the part where I was dancing was another symbol of my growth. She thought it represented the fact that I'm feeling more capable.

She had such a positive spin on the dream. I have the best therapist ever!
Wow Catgirl, she does sound great, and what a fantastic way to think about the dreams! That's why therapy is so important to people - the level of power and trust are so different than a 'normal' relationship, and it really does sound like you have found a good balance.

It's ok to miss your T, and it's great you got through her vacation time. It can be really empowering realising you aren't dependent on your therapist - that's something i feared for a while, and then realising i wasn't really strengthened our relationship and made me a lot more comfortable with the whole process and with her. I am a stubborn one and don't like feeling dependent on anyone... which is something i probably will have to work on at some stage! Smiler
a few nights ago i had a dream about my previous therapist. in the dream we were in session. she was wearing a short skirt and her legs were distracting me, so much so that i had to step back and say something about it. she then asked me if it would be easier for me if she wore pants for our sessions. i felt bad, because i didn't want her to curb her wardrobe because of me, so i said no, it was okay. then i woke up.

my second dream was about my current therapist. it went like this: during session we both fell asleep; she in her chair and me on the couch. we then woke up around sunset. the office looked the same as it does in real life, but it was in an entirely different building--a newly constructed highrise. my t asked me if i would accompany her to pick up her daughter from the daycare center on the top floor of the highrise. she wanted me to come along because she had parked in the subterranean parking and didn't feel safe walking down there alone w/ her daughter. i obliged. everyone had left the building at this point and the lights on all of the floors were low. after picking up her daughter, the three of us were in the elevator on the way down to the parking level. i stood by my t while she held her daughter in her arms (she was around 3 or 4). my t's daughter started fussing and my t repeatedly tried to get her to relax but to no avail; my t then put her down and then the little girl started crying. my t, still holding her daughter's hand, told her they'd be home soon. i felt a bit uncomfortable and kept wondering how long this elevator ride was! i then looked over at my t and noticed tears were coming down her face. i didn't ask her what was wrong, but i knew she was upset over having to put her daughter down. i leaned in and wiped my t's tears away and then i ran my finger down her cheek. then i woke up.

i told my current t about these dreams. about the first one she said: "so even though she offered to give you what you needed, you felt embarrassed and demurred." i asked what it was that i "needed"? for my ex-t not to show her legs? current t said yes: that i "needed" her to "dress appropriately and not seductively." i said, "yeah, well . . . maybe i really didn't want what i needed." current t agreed. my ex-t was a bit seductive and i liked it.

the second dream had an interpretation i absolutely did not anticipate. my t basically said that, while the dream was about her, it was also about my ex-therapist. she asked me to tell her what the building meant to me. i just said that it was new and big and empty and dark. she said that the time of day--sunset--represented transition from one stage to another. that the building, big, empty, and dark, was a sort of womb. and that *i* was my t's daughter, and my t was really my ex-therapist. i was fighting us having to terminate our sessions--losing my connection to her--and she had to "put me down." the last bit, though, about my current t being upset and me wiping her tears away, is still unclear to me. to be honest, i got sort of mad at my current t over this interpretation. i told my t about this dream about a month ago and i really did not want to hear that my ex-therapist is still showing up in my dreams. and ever since then i've had several dreams about my ex-therapist. it never ends.
Hi catgirl,

Sorry i didn't reply, i didn't see this message!
I actually realised i wasn't dependant on my T because I got quite angry at her for something she did (I felt she broke my confidence a little) and did not have any contact for a few weeks. During that time i was able to lean on my friends for support, and although i missed my T, i realised the dependence was not unhealthy and that made me more comfortable with our entire relationship, and with the therapy process.

Someone also pointed out to me that my T was kind of caught feeling responsible for me and I was fighting that. It wasn't good for either of us. So I also realised she was not responsible for me, I was responsible for myself, and that gave me back some level of feeling of control which i'd previously been missing.

I think we all fear being dependent on our T, and you don't really HAVE to live without them most of the time, so it can feel like you are. The more you need them, the more intense it can feel - you said that yourself.

We just take it as it comes i guess! Smiler

cassie

Add Reply

Post
×
×
×
×
Link copied to your clipboard.
×
×