frosty, oh that sounds like an awful dream. I am glad the first one was better.

I drempt that I was inivited to something where my T would be. I went before some kind of unexpected audience, and my T was saying something like I was beyond help and everyone knew and she was leaving and would never be around me again. She was saying something about windows and it being too late. (I don't know where the window thing fit in.) She was extremely indifferent and cold. And my other T was nearby standing with her. They said I deserved (a traumatic thing) that happened and it made me too broken and I had gone as far and been helped as far as possible and they were both leaving. Both of my parents were there. My T said, "Your father was right."

The dread and panic I felt in the dream and right when I woke up was tremendous. I have been struggling with feeling like I need my T lately and the feeling that she can't provide whatever it is I need or Z am seeking or want, and dealing with a trauma where I was not just hurt, but betrayed. I have been feeling something... and not knowing what... and I wonder if it just came out in my dream...

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Do you believe that your unconsciousness tries to tell you something or that you just process stuff in dreams?

I think both are possible. I think my very core and most honest thoughts sometimes come up just as I am waking up. If I am trying to ignore something when I am awake, sometimes I dream about it over and over - as if I am trying to process it in my dreams. Sometimes I also think it is just something I ate or something...

I'm glad neither of our dreams were real!

I do wonder about the indifference part and if I feel like my T is being that way now. I also know in the trauma we were talking about, we talked about how the perp's body language was agressive while his words were at first indifferent and fake feeling.

I think I am projecting it all onto my T for sure, regardless if she is actually being indifferent or not

dreams are curious.

I had a dream about my old T once and it brought up a fear I didn't know I had. I told the T about the dream, and she totally tok it to mean something else entirely. sigh. it didn't work out so well.

You have realistic dreams when you are cold? brr! That is exhuasting to be cold and in a vivid nightmare. I used to get bad dreams from a medication, but they were no so emotionally bad, just gory. I couldn't watch most anything on TV before bed because it would really come out in my dreams in bad ways.

I rather have those kinds of nightmares than the more emotional real life once. Those are far more intense - and hard to shake off since they seem so real!

dreams are very curious

Jane - your post is so timely for me. I had nightmares last night about my T discontinuing treatment once she found out the "real" me. Sleepless night, for sure. Frustrated me too, as that is a nightmare for me that might end up becoming a reality.

I have, though, had a good dream about this T when I first started. I can not for the life of me remember the dream, I just remember I woke up feeling so safe and loved, that I didn't want to get out of bed so I could hold on to that feeling!

Dreams ARE one of life's mysteries to me - I wish I could somehow find a way to automatically remember all the good ones, and instantly forget the bad ones!

My first dream about T was before I was even in therapy and I think I had met him all of once (because my H was seeing him first). I didn't even realize it was about him until we met again and I was like, "Wow, you're almost exactly the guy that was in my dream." Like, looked exactly the same, except a bit shorter and didn't have his voice down as well as I would now from acquaintance.

It was a dream I was living at my mother's house as an adult (now) and it was messy/trashed as usual with people sleeping in the living room, dining room, etc. That's how it is. My mom is crazy, but she has a good heart and will always make sure to give people a place to stay. Also, she uses people, so keeping them dependent on her for a place to live works really well. Anyway, in my dream T was actually a social worker there for the express purpose of making sure I was OK, getting me "out" of the house. He kept going from room to room and evaluating, taking notes and saying such tender things about how none of us should have to live like that. He was going to have my older sister arrested for growing pot, but I convinced him not to. He said he wouldn't if I promised to leave the house and let him take me somewhere I would be safe. In the dream, I began to realize he was some sort of messenger from God, not just a social worker. Anyway, I didn't realize any of this had to do with T until he asked H for a session with me. He had been recommending I get my own T for a while, to deal with the traumatic incident, but I kept saying no...so I think he asked to see me, knowing I would go in for H's sake. When I saw T (it had been several months since I met him), I was embarrassed and comforted at the same time, like "Oh, that's what THAT dream was about."

I've had a few other dreams about therapy, but they are always abandonment ones. I had several in one night once. In the first one, I was in college and forced into therapy as a "class" because I had made an attempt and they would expel me without therapy. It was the beginning of the new semester, but when I found T (who was just a stranger in this dream), he said, "Oh, they discharged you from having to take this class. They don't want to waste the resources on you." Then, I had one where I couldn't find T's office (also at my old college) and so we had an appointment walking side-by-side and we sat down to talk and he put his arm around me. It felt very safe. Then, I had a horrible dream where my mother decided to see my T (for therapy, not dating) and I knew he would not see me anymore, because he couldn't treat both of us, and also that she would turn him against me and tell him what a horrible daughter I am. The last dream in that sequences was one where I had a female T (never have) and she threatened to abandon me if I did not start attending these group sessions I was having panic attacks about.

I think those are the major ones I've had so far.

STRM ~ That did make me laugh! and, get this, in my session yesterday, I kept talking with my T about feeling "stuck." ironic.

it would be weird to see our Ts comfort someone else...

your other dream sounds so sweet

~ jane

Wow, you all have interesting dreams! I go in and out of dreaming, personally. I started dreaming after about a year and half of therapy, and now I go for times, dreaming, and other times, not dream- or at least not remembering them. I think it is weird that I have no significant trauma that I can remember anyway, and that I have have these dreams that I could never even write here they are so horrible.

However, I do dream about my T from time to time. It is usually nice.

the last dream I had was weeks ago. I dreamed that I was on a snow-bound road and had to get out of my car to walk back. I felt in grave danger and prayed for protection...and was lifted in levitation and transported. It was horrifying and I woke up crying out loudly. Fortunately, my h wasn't home. I agree with you Jane...dreams are very strange. Have you shared your dreams with your T? I never have.

BB

I share all T-related dreams with him (in my journals) and also some others that seem related to therapy or what we've been talking about. I usually have quite graphic or disturbing dreams. And I almost always remember them. Last night, I dreamed about being back at my work and facing a horrible ex-boss and being taken advantage of by her.

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Originally posted by Blanket Girl:
STRM --

quote:

Oh and then later I had a dream that I was with T and for some reason I kept playing with her hair.

My boys have all "played with my hair" at different stages...usually around four. I guess from a child development perspective, four year olds often become infatuated with their mother. (My boys all have.) They caress my hair in a very loving way, and it's a way they comfort themselves when they feel insecure or hurt.

They all grew out of it before Kindergarten. Anyway, I just thought I'd put that out there that it's a really normal thing for a child to do with a parent.

Maybe this is a good sign of healthy attachment????

BG,

Yeah, my kids have done that as well. T frequently strokes my hair so maybe it was related to that somehow too.

Your dream sounded really unsettling!

quote:

STRM ~ That did make me laugh! and, get this, in my session yesterday, I kept talking with my T about feeling "stuck." ironic.

Hmmm, that is ironic!

T1 is frequently in my dreams. She set me up on a blind date in a dream I had this afternoon while taking a nap. It wasn't someone I was attracted to and I shot T1 a dirty look as I walked away holding hands with the date she set me up with.

I've only had one dream with T2 in it. I snuck into her garage and organized it for her in the dream.

Weirdest therapy-related dream I've had is below, but T was actually not in it. I just recognized it as metaphorically representing the therapy process. Just pasted from a journal entry (from late November or early December I think).

I had a nightmare that I was admitted to a hospital. I was wandering the halls and rooms and on every television screen was a face of a woman, a mother…but she was a demon. She told me I was carrying her child, like a tick attached to my chest, hidden beneath my hospital gown, and she kept commanding me to hide it and protect it. I was confused. I felt protective over the demon embryo, because it was helpless and totally dependent on me for life. I knew if I didn’t remove it, it would consume and kill me in order to be born and then hurt the world. I couldn’t trust the surgeons at the hospital to operate. If they didn’t remove the demon completely, it would burrow down and continue to grow. If they damaged it while taking it out, it would send poison throughout my body. So, I searched the restricted areas for a place and supplies I could use to sterilize it and cut it out myself. I was discovered by a doctor, but when I tried to explain, the demon had taken away my ability to speak and only nonsense came out. So I ran…and woke up. Representative of my fears, my lack of faith and my inability to rely on anyone other than myself, I guess. Even if something is killing me, I won’t trust the Surgeon to heal me, but try to hack it out myself. Hopeless.

Shared that entry with T, but it never came up in session, thankfully.

I dreamed about T last night and also an old pastor.

In the dream about T, I had my H drop me off to my appointment for some reason. Then I realized he would be stuck watching my daughter (who is usually asleep when I get home from therapy) and no one would be able to get me home. When I went in the office (which looked different), the waiting room was full of benches that looked like pews. And there were a couple of other Ts from his center there, but mostly the room was full of clients of all ages...all HIS clients. It was my appointment time and I didn't know what I was going to do with so many clients there waiting to see him. When he came out, I was expecting him to smile and greet me like usual, but he walked right up to this teenage boy who was sitting near me and began to interact. T kept telling the boy how proud he was that the kid had made so much progress and what an incredible man he was going to become. Then, one of the other Ts suggested they pray together. So, my T is sitting there praying with this other boy while I try to ignore it (because I don't want to invade the privacy of this session they seem to need to be having in the waiting room, surrounded by people, during my slot). They finish and T stands up and I expect him to invite me in, but without making eye contact, he just walks away into his office. So I spend hours wandering around the center, which now feels completely unfamiliar to me. When I try to use the bathroom, people in line ignore me like I'm not there too. And in the dream, I just kept getting frustrated, but now reflecting, it's almost as if I was just a ghost.

Then my dream shifted and H, our daughter and I were going to visit the pastor of the church we met at (it closed 11 years ago), who is also a T/MFC and did our pre-marital counseling and recommended the T we are seeing now. We actually haven't physically seen him in years though (and he has ignored my Facebook request). We recently found his wife left him and he remarried, so he has been on my mind lately. Anyway, we were visiting him and his (ex-)wife at their home to introduce our daughter and eat dinner together. When we arrived, I realized I was wearing my PJs (including tank top and no bra, embarrassing), but I just pulled on a sweater and thought "Oh well." I should mention, because my Mom kicked me out my senior year of high school, he let me live at his house the Summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college, so I wouldn't have to go back home...so being in my PJs in front of him really isn't the end of the world. While dinner was cooking, all five of us crowded onto the couch together for a nap (weird). Then we got up to do various things and I started playing with my daughter, flying her through the air above me and singing, "I Believe I Can Fly." He started complimenting my singing voice and trying to teach me to play the piano (I don't think he even knows how) and telling me all the amazing things he knew I was capable of doing with my life. Then, of course, my kiddo woke up screaming for Mommy, so I didn't get to continue the dream. The weird thing is, despite him being the same age as my T and a great guy and even living with him a few months, I never once had transference issues with him...but in my dream, I did major time. It was like the abandonment of my T in dream one redirected my transference in dream two. And now I'm wishing I could see him, LOL.

I think it's more about me not wanting to go any deeper with T, because this attachment is too painful for me right now. Ugh.

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Everyone seems to have such meaningful and symbolic dreams. I'm jealous! My subconscious is boring.

I doubt your subconscious is boring. And don't be too jealous. I also consistently have pretty horrible, violent and terrifying dreams and I remember them for years. I could probably accurately detail at least a dozen dreams that still haunt me when they pop into my mind. I sometimes wonder if my insomnia is just being afraid of what I'm going to dream about...

I had one very symbolic dream about T and therapy in the first 6 months I was seeing T.

I was in another province with my family and cousins in a strange house. My parents and brother were discussing a letter they received from a girl who used to have a cottage (summer house by the lake) next to us and she was asking if anyone knew that her father was sexually abusing her as a child (in real life nothing like that happened but I was SA'd as a child). My parents and brother were discussing how they knew but didn't do anything because it wasn't their business and they weren't going to answer the letter. I was furious at them and stomped off to find someone to talk to. I ran into my cousin and she told me to quit overreacting. So I left the house and drove away in the pouring rain.

Next I was in my current house all alone. I wasn't married and didn't have children in the dream and I felt like I had cut myself off from my family and was completely independent. I was fixing the kitchen floor and when I got to the middle of the room the tiles didn't line up and there was a gap in the centre. I was so frustrated and I knew I was going to have start pulling everything up and starting over. Then I heard someone chuckling in the room kind of above me (like on a stage looking down at me) and I yelled "could you help me instead of just watching (I was mad he was laughing)"

The next day I was telling my husband the dream and he asked me why I thought he was just watching me work and I said without even thinking about it "that isn't you that is T".
I never told him that dream.

Had a dream about texting back and forth with T and him having to cancel our appointment, because of being sick. Still crossing my fingers that he is feeling better and I get to see him tomorrow night.

wow - really interesting dreams.

STRM ~ that seems like it could be a really sweet dream about playing with her hair. I used to play with my mom's hair when I was young. and it wqould be my vote too to show up in pjs.


LG ~ how interesting. I wonder if the date in your dream turned out better... and if it was symbolic of your T giving you something you didn't want...

Yaku ~ oh that sounds like such intense and scary dreams... there does seem to be a common thread of hopelessness and pain. ((((hugs)))

DF ~ I have difficulty letting myself sleep sometimes. It's like I just need to stay awake to be prepared for anything, or just don't want to endure a night of bad dreams... and I'll be exhausted and yet unable to let myself really sleep. I've been trying to listen to books on tape - like really calming books, like book for pre-teens. Cheesy, yes. Nightmare inducing? no. Thankfully. It helps keep put some of the thoughts that wind me up. Sometimes...

(side note: For awhile I was listening to the new testament on CD to fall asleep at night and it worked so well that for awhile, I couldn't ever read it without getting sleepy. And sometimes my dreams were a little weird.)


I had a dream about my old T that she was telling me she didn't believe me about the trauma and was telling everyone she didn't believe me and I was begging her stop... (safe to say I had MAJOR trust issues with her.)

Recently I had a dream where both of my T's were together, at a farm, and very sweet and kind and encouraging to me. Then I went inside a barn to pick up something, and when I went outside and saw them again, they were there, with horses around, and lots of people from my life, and my Ts, both of them, had this terrible empty indfference about telling me telling me they had hepled all they could, and there simply was no more help for me. It was a psychologically awful dream. It was so sudden and so cold. Then I had another dream that same night where my T was present with my family that I had been with recently at my recently passed away grandmother's house. In real life, in my waking hours, I had been with my family there, and they were very publically warm and friendly one moment, and cruel and cold the next. I think in my dreams, my fear that my Ts would be the same, came out.

so intense.

I rarely have dreams that are not vivid, but more and more I am having better dreams and fewer nightmares. But I still get these psychologically intense dreams at times where my deepest fears come out to play around in my mind.

And last night, I had a dream about filling out insurance paperwork about my T... over... and over... and over... and over...and could never get to the end of the forms... ACK!!! worst dream ever! :P

JD - I'm glad you're having better dreams. I get those psychologically intense ones too. The phone session I'm about to have (in two hours) meant I got only a couple hours sleep last night. I literally had four nightmares about it, most just involving not being able to find a place to sit and talk without people invading my session, but some where T had a secretary who was harassing me and telling me what a horrible man T was and would not let me talk to him. And another where my mom kept interfering with me trying to go do my session. The weirdest was one where I realized my cousin (only a few years older than me) was actually my T's wife and now that he was "related" to me, he couldn't help me anymore. When I told H I had so many horrible dreams, he was like, "I had a nightmare too." And I was like, "Oh really? About what?" He said, "I don't remember. I know know I woke up startled." I LIKE that I have interesting dreams, but they are mostly bad and sometimes it's irritating that he falls asleep so easily and isn't haunted by horrible dreams all the time.

Wow, that sounds like a dream I might have, STRM. How did you feel when you woke up from it? Sometimes, when I have an intense dream like that, I feel like I'm not really "out" of it yet, like I'm walking around in a fog of semi-dream, semi-reality.

I have lots of dreams about T1.

I've only had two dreams about T2. The first dream I broke into her garage and organized it for her. In the second dream, we went on a field trip to a rug factory that she apparently owned.