I have not been able to get into this forum - in the end have changed my name and password and email address and started all over again.
Now I am in - thank goodness.
i wanted to tell you how yesterday went. I wrote it up on my blog:
Wow, that session was GOOD.
She is so on the ball.
I let her read the dream, she did not comment but she was interested how much I liked it.
Then I tried to tell her - and she made a rule that if I had not told her by 10 minutes left, I could not as it would leave me too upset to go home. God, that made me feel so safe.
So I got going. I asked her to sit close to me. She said I could always ask for her to be near or hold her hand or ask for a hug or holding. She is very clear about that. I like that. I asked her to sit near.
I oscillate between adult and little through out the entire session. I seem to allow my littler self to be very "out' when there. Just like when with NewFinder.
At one point, when I got distracted by something else, she told me she had something to say to me. I immediately feared she was going to say that she was moving out of the county in Spring or could not work with me for longer than three months or something awful. She kept trying to say it and I kept getting more frightened and asking "would it hurt what she was going to say, was it horrible?" and she said that it was neither and just to let her say it.{I was surprised how upset I was getting.} She said that if she worked with me she would need my surname and my address and doctor's address etc. [I had not given them yet, as I was checking her out.] But fine by me, I had brought my business card for her.
Then I explained about seeing the psychologist and she said she has no issues with me seeing him (phew!) but that it might cause 'splitting', (whatever that is) but that she would need to write to him saying she was seeing me. Then she said she would have to write to my doctor, and I was SO not happy with that. I am still so angry with that doctor for deciding to stop me seeing NewFinder without even consulting with me.
SteadyT said it was in case things got difficult or outside help was needed or something happened
?*?
So I am mulling that one over.
She also said she is not able to do phone support because of where and how she is working at the moment so I will need to phone other people for that or set up something else.
She is so sane, this SteadyT. I feel like she is like me when I am feeling okay and yet she is NOT seeing me in that mode at all, I feel I FALL in there and fall apart.
I told her all the stuff about the worst things inside and she was not freaked out at all. She too said it was quite normal. I even told her what the 8 year old me thinks about when that part of me is hurting really badly and she understood that too.
I told her all of it. Well one bit I had to write down as I can't speak it. Never have.
She was concerned. She too agrees that I could be in danger from others with this lurking around, she talked about trauma bonding
http://www.enotalone.com/article/4291.htmlbut I don't really understand that.
she also asked me if I have had anything nice happen in my childhood, I said "Lots, loads" and looked at her really puzzled, like 'Duh?"
I was so predominantly in child mode.
She requested me to seriously take care of myself and my child self right now as my child is acting compulsively and is not aware of danger. I said I was seriously trying. I said that is why I told her, so that she could help me out of this. I knew that she had to know. It has never ever been this bad, gone this far before. I am so out of my depth.
I asked her if she thought I would get through this and she said yes. She said it was normal considering the things that have happened to me.
What a relief.
She said maybe having another session on Thursday would be too full on, I need breaks and going too fast seems to be my habit and maybe slow down a bit.
(That was well observed.)
I asked her if she was freaked out.
SteadyT: "I don't feel at all freaked"
I kind of assessed her, trying to work out if she was.
"Are you doing some super sensing scanning thing?" she asked, with a sort of laugh.
"sort of, I am just trying to see if I can sense if you are freaked out in anyway."
Steady T : "Well am I? "
"No, not that I can tell".
"Okay then. Actually it explains some part of the transference that I was not understanding."
Me: Huh? (I am just going out the door at this point and putting on my shoes.)
SteadyT: sorry, I should not have said that just as you were leaving, that was unskilful of me.
Me: puzzled.
Came home and feel worried that she is so thinking I am so worse than I am. This is what happened with NEwFinder. Then I start worrying that I am worse than I am. I seem to appearing to be quite fractured at the moment. But I work and am functioning quite well in a way in my normal life. I am under enormous strain emotionally and feeling a huge amount of pain and fracture but I am still functioning.
My P has just cancelled my appointment with him because of the snow. So i have a whole morning free and too much snow to go out.
We both damn well know I'm nudging at a boundary 
