Hey Catness,

Yep, my T has made some corking mistakes but one thing he does really well is help repair. He hears and acknowledges EVERYTHING. He admits it when defensive feelings pass through and gets right back to acknowledging, apologising, making connections with why things have upset me, asking about the bits he doesn't understand, and saying so when he thinks a bit of my reaction might be about something else. Even if he does that, it's in the spirit of - 'so it would make sense that it feels upsetting to you' so I still feel heard.

I know you and your T have made it through some big ruptures before and I think she will not want you to do this alone. I think she knows that she is a partner in the relationship and will be in there helping to find a way to get you comfy again.

xxxJ

HI Cat

My experience is similar Jones's

T and I have had some doozies. I think they have all been caused by T - she has said she is going to do something or contact me and she forgets. I usually go quiet for a few days - where i alternate from anger to self hatred and back again - because I have been weak and let this woman into my heart so that she could betray me and let me down (!!!!) , then let rip with a god almighty angry email or a text. Depending on how agitated I am she will try and fix it via email to contain me until our next session. Actually one of the REALLY bad ones - she kept texting me so she could call me and talk with me - but I was so angry I kept telling her to F off. I am bad with anger and as a child any crying or statement of feelings was met with a hit, so difficult emotions feel like danger and death to me. Early on I just cancelled my sessions with her and ignored her (at great human cost to me) - nowdays I am way better at telling her she has upset me.

We will face it head on in session. T will acknowledge all my feelings and every single time she has accepted responsibility, said sorry and together WE have worked out a solution.

This was an entirely new experience for me. A problem was discussed and solved. Crazy stuff.

I am never left to feel that I have to solve it. She does something wrong, I get really angry, I tell her in no uncertain terms how it has affected me and why and usually then go off a bit crazy how she is like "all the rest of them" and that she has let me down, i can't trust her, etc etc ad nauseum.

If she wasn't at fault??? I think we would do it the same way. We would work it out together. Even when T has stuffed up, it has been because of miscommunication - so I have heard things slightly differently to how she intended saying them. We have a pact to be clearer with each other and to remind each other if someone forgets.

My T always keeps saying that we are in a relationship together and we will both stuff up, but we will both come together to discuss and to solve it.

Every time we have had a rupture - it has turned out differently to what I expect! I expect her to be very angry back at me and to terminate me instantly or i expect never to go back to her because I hate her guts because she forgets me and abandons me and she is like all the rest.

Instead we have a discussion - yes I may cry, yes I will say things to her and many times I will tell her how badly she has hurt me - but in the end I always feel listened to, validated and the resolution has always been to my benefit.

I do call her The Queen of the Rupture and Repair Cycle to her face!!!!

SD

Hey Catalyst,

I can really relate to what you are saying. I so totally feel like he's completely stupid and useless sometimes, and that I'm stuck with my frustration about whatever his offense was, and that I have to drag us through it.

Sometimes I have to tell him that he has upset me and explain it in one session, and then I have to explain it all at length again when I see him the next time because he says he needs clarification. Then he will usually thank me for telling him and explaining it and then say what sounds to me like "Oh, my bad. Sorry." And that's it!!!

I don't know what more I expect, but this part throws me for a loop. He also says that he will continue to mess up and that I just have to decide whether the realtionship is worth it.

It's so anticlimactic and unsatisfying to me. He does admit things that he does wrong or ways that he felt about things that caused problems with me, and I know that this is great, and what more do I want? But the previous ruptures and issues stick with me, and when the next one happens, all the previous ones kick in and add to the pile of reactions I'm having.

Maybe I'd like to feel like I'm learning something through these ruptures, at least. Not sure I am.

Anyway, like you, I do feel like I have to do it all alone, and I do get confused about what parts of responsibility and handling things on your own are healthy and what parts are old messages and reactions. I also struggle with attachment and dependence in general, so there's that.

I suppose this isn't all that helpful, but I want you to know that I feel for you with this.

My sense is that even though we hate it, this is somehow what we are supposed to do. Try again, and tell our Ts and as much as we can, and tell them what we want and how we feel and figure out if it's worth it.

I hate giving up, so I'm still trying for now.

I hope you can ask for and maybe get an apology. I do get those.

Good luck.

Quell

I know my T would say that she can't know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking unless I actually tell her. Sometimes I wish she'd automatically know when something was wrong and how to repair it, but she doesn't! I suppose it's better that way, since other people in our lives won't necessarily know when they've hurt us either.

She's not really useless at repairing, though. She's just useless at knowing what I'm feeling unless I tell her.

My apologies for not responding to everyone individually at the moment - I DO plan to later. They have been so helpful, thank you!

Just wanted to write a quick update that I might have session in an hour but I sort of cancelled on the phone w/ my T so she may not even be accepting me, or have replaced my time already. I can't remember if I was specific or ambiguous because I'm still running on a significacnt amount of xanax that I had to take last night to get to sleep.

I left her another message this morning. I just don't know what to do. She's so useless at this stuff I feel like it's all me. If I don't have the energy to make it work... I shouldn't bring it up. Blerg. Does anyone else hate wasting what seems tons of times on clearing this crap up?

My T is not big on apologies. I will either them months/years later if I mention how much xyz situation hurt me in the past. Or it'll be the typical "I'm sorry you feel that way". It's futile.

Cat,

I hope your session goes well and that it was still available for you.

I've only had ruptures with old T, but nearly all of them were on me to fix. There were a few things that she briefly took responsibility for or apologized, but she was also quick to become defensive and want it dropped completely. Typically for things that she apologized for she did so with a fair amount of excuses (I was feeling overworked, I had several client emergencies, phone issues which happened with great regularity etc.). Our most major rupture prior to the one that just ended our relationship was all on me to fix. She became extremely defensive and very angry and basically I went back feeling like I had to suck it up and crawl back and "be good". Every now and then she would take the reigns to help fix an issue, but those were few and far between and erratic enough that I never knew what to expect with her.

I haven't had any ruptures with new T, but from what I've experienced of her so far I don't expect she will handle it like old T did.

I guess it depends on what the issue in terms of whether to bother with it. If it is big and causing you issues then I would think talking about it would help. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope it works out soon.

Oh Cat,

everything you've said rings familiar in my own case (you too, Quell). I wish I could be helpful, but I'm afraid I will be just joining in with some of my own bitching and moaning (warning: I am in the middle of--yet another-- rupture with T as well and may sound particularly negative...)

I really don't have a clue how to get past ruptures with T. I wish I knew how, because this stuff just accumulates over time and ends up being a major roadblock to the work. T has some defensive tendencies, and rarely apologizes unless it's a blatant, non-controversial error (as in-- her phone rings in the middle of the session; she'll get up to turn it off saying 'sorry'). I get why we have to be the ones to bring our grievances to them, I really do. (An unfortunate side effect of this is that I end up feeling like a compulsive nag/whiner). But the resolution side of it-- that seems like it should come from both parties. Whenever I bring complaints to T, things are never, EVER resolved to my satisfaction. I'm not saying she has to say I'm right about everything, either-- the problem seems to be, she's not even in the discussion with me. She's outside, looking in, usually completely silent, some times repeating my feelings back to me. And I'll be like okay-- and what's YOUR take on this? She leaves herself completely out of it. I understand that as a technique in other circumstances, but when it comes to discussing matters that are procedural, it seems impractical-- it makes it difficult to feel like you're 'getting anywhere', or resolving things.

So then T will ask me-- what does a resolution look like in your mind? One time I said "I'd like an apology." She remained silent. I'm not sure I gave the right answer though. It's not always an apology that I'm looking for. Maybe that's the problem-- I haven't identified what will help me move past these ruptures so she literally doesn't know what to do. I guess what I'd like is some sense of working to a common understanding together. Honestly, for a mental picture of what repairing ruptures looks like, I come here and read about others' experiences. The reality of it still escapes me.



Good luck,
effed

Yeah, I am feeling sad that the ruptures that you are all experiencing aren't dealt with well. Even when they are deal with really well - which I think my T does - they are still Effing painful to go through, i don't think i would have stayed with my T for one extra session if she hadn't have handled it correctly the first time.

quote:

She's not really useless at repairing, though. She's just useless at knowing what I'm feeling unless I tell her.

Yes and even though My T is brilliant at rupture - I still have to go through a very painful and dangerous period where I explode, work out my emotions, try to self regulate without SH'ing, work out whether I can be bothered in telling T, going thru past re-enactments of being terminated and or leaving therapy, going thru all the past abandonment - rejection stuff - IF after all that over a few days, I feel like i want to repair - I then text, call or email VERY angry communication to T and take a huge risk of showing anger. Only after I tell her I am angry and hate her and never going back - does T get an inkling that she has done something wrong.

Cat,
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.
Sometimes T is great at dealing with ruptures, but other times... healing needs to be done on both sides. I tend to be silent for a few days, then I can erupt like a cannon. this is where the hurtful words... that sometimes can trigger T, come out... unintentional naturally, but hurtful nonetheless.
Managing this stuff is so incredibly hard. Lots of good stuff has been said, but I just wanted you to know that I have had that pain, sooo hard to bear.
I hope you can repair!
Many many s

((((CAT))))

I could have written this on Monday:

quote:

I get so confused sometimes because it really feels like therapy or the goal of everything in life is supposed to be do it yourself, do it alone, take responsibility

I was upset with my T not because he did anything wrong but because of a boundary. I understand the boundary ... gotta finish this later ... sorry.

xoxo

Liese

(((CAT))))

Sorry about that. I'm back. I got ambushed by a teenager. I was just going to say that sometimes it's hard to go back when I feel like I have a right to be mad. And when I feel like that I do feel like I'm the only one who cares about the relationship. Sometimes it's hard to reconcile those "I want to be angry, it's your turn to care about the relationship" feelings with really wanting to learn about myself. And sometimes it feels like I'm just going back with my tail between my legs, still wanting to be angry but knowing that if I don't go back, that anger will harden. And he won't run after me. It's hard and confusing.

I was reading Deborah Lott's book this afternoon and was in a chapter about transference and the T owning their own stuff and I thought about you and the trouble you have had periodically with your T. Maybe you could photocopy that chapter and give it to her? So much interesting stuff in there about unintentional gaslighting. Overall your T sounds solid and good except for this one area that crops up now and again with her.

Liese

My thanks again for everyone's replies. I don't like to write a thread and let it die and I know I posted on the 7th (wtf?) originally saying I would write again. I've been in and out of the ER this week for medical issues. Lost a couple of days, it's been difficult. So I should be able to reply tomorrow - I'm sorry to neglect everyone's thoughtful replies.

My T and I, as per usual, moved through this rupture we were having but I still have a lot to say on the topic. We talked about it more today and she had some ideas I didn't necessarily agree with but I was open to listening to her. We worked out sort of a 'time out' signal (or she will ask if I need one - I don't find the term triggering) when I'm escalating things so that I can breathe and calm. I don't think T realized how really difficult it is for me to stay present - when I'm in that vulnerable place (trying to talk about something bugging me) I start getting confused and overwhelmed and what I do is start to protect myself and that defense makes everything progressively worse and I get more overwhelmed. The way I think is many things at the same time usually I'm present enough that I can regulate what is going on, I'm not "in it" I'm more observing but when I get "in it" the longer I'm in the longer it takes to come out.

My T says we really need to connect with those feelings, so I think once she understood what was going on, and I understood what was going on we figured out a way that I can be "with it" rather than "in it". I'm hoping it will work... for when it occurs in the future. I realized I don't really know what I want when I am upset with something in our relationship. She suggested I needed someone to "blame" but I didn't really agree like... even if she accepted responsibility I still don't know what to do with my feelings, or if I punish myself I still don't get the issue resolved. So... I literally do not know what it looks or feels like to do actual conflict resolution where my feelings are concerned or where I'm asking for something or needing something. 'Vulnerable' is of course the term T used, of course. I think it helped to understand I don't know what my goal is. I'm saying what hurts but don't know how to make it better so I find a way to make it fit what works. I've done this many times, but it seems new... every time.

So... and like I said I will reply individually I'm sorry for being so selfish right now... my T and I are pretty good at this by now but when I'm in it and anxious ugh it's so insane. My T mentioned that I'm still trying to figure out if they'll hurt me and that it was actually MORE activating this week when I was in and out of the ER because my Ts weren't reacting like they were "supposed to". I've had my parents yell/get angry with me for being sick in the past (and I'm not a very sick person most of the time) so I reached out but at the same time what I got back just messed me up even more. T did say (because that's what she does) that she was surprised and it was great progress I did reach out at all (to her, T2 and friends) even though the result of doing all that was confusing.

I didn't reach out to my parents.

So anyway, all told... my perception of how rupture repair works really changes a lot based on how I feel. Despite everything I knew she would be there enough to reach out, and she reached back and reached out a couple times too. My Ts coordinated together and helped regardless of how I was feeling about our relationship at the time. That really spoke to me in a way. It reminded me of the relationship I have with my best friend... sometimes we don't talk for a while (we live in different cities), sometimes we annoy each other, sometimes we don't understand each other but no matter what we go through there isn't a second I wouldn't be there for her when she needed me. That's how I've realized things work when we rupture - that it's just me... it's only me bumping around but regardless they are both in the same place. So... it is me that is in charge of the rupture repair she can only set up the picnic.. I have to show up with whatever I want. Even though I resent that "position" it's really the only one I can have because she's not going to change or push it.

This whole thing recently was REALLY a big deal in therapy. So anyway i'll still be back at the same place soon, I still hold a well of resentment for my T because as we talked about there are many many ruptures back there that aren't resolved and not because of lack of effort but literally because I don't know when something is resolved because growing up it never was - it was ALWAYS open on the table, anything... everything... all the time. So it was good to understand that and just have a very real conversation w/ my T today It was a very gentle repair and we have progress and things to do for next time... I told her... next time I have something to say I will try to frame it in a way that asks her to help me resolve it rather than mauling her but that means I have to keep from spinning which... is why we're going to try stopping, breathing... it'll be bumpy... even today my T said some hard stuff - relating things now to things in the past with our relationship, interrelating them to recent things, and my history as well as 'our' history. When she sees me there on board... she really takes advantage. We worked hard.

Anyway... sorry I wrote more than I intended. Oh I also asked if I can fax my T and evidently... I can! 2 years in I find this out.... sigh. She treated it like an entirely normal thing to ask for in a sort of 'duh didn't you know that?' sort of way. I have nothing to say right now but excited when I can't say stuff in the future... unfortunately after so long working together there isn't much I need to write her rather than say sometimes. But I say this now... as we await another rupture stalking us in the woods.

((((CAT))))

So glad you are feeling better. I've been there with letting the old ruptures just pile up. T and I spent the last 9 months sorting through each and every one of them until I was satisfied. It was really helpful. It was worth doing. Never good to let things store up like that.

Your T sounds like she is strong and is really there for you even if it feels like she's rough around the edges sometimes.

xoxox

Liese

P.S. Loved the update.

Okay!! HEre we go I've finally detoxed all that ER stuff out of my system.

((Jones))

quote:

He admits it when defensive feelings pass through and gets right back to acknowledging, apologising, making connections with why things have upset me, asking about the bits he doesn't understand, and saying so when he thinks a bit of my reaction might be about something else.

I wish my T had an approach where she concentrated or explained any of HER side of transference or HER reactions. I'm sure she uses them in her own brain to figure out what is up with me (like if she feels _____ it may mean _____ about us, or me, etc). I'm really unaccepting of hearing it may be about something else because I don't feel like the central issue has been resolved, even if it's small. So then I feel not heard, not acknowledged and it would really help if I could hear her side (if she feels defensive, if she feels _____) she already says I make it too much about her because I'm floundering trying to guess at what she's feeling so I can figure out how I feel - that's probably why she doesn't tell me. I get frustrated because when she says what else it may be about I feel like she is assigning me something I want when I really don't know what it is. Bleh. I'm really glad your T is so good with repairs I think mine is too I just fight the whole way through it.



((SD))

I'm glad you are getting better with your anger. I have a similar issue where when I get frustrated it is very hard for me to regulate. My T does not try to calm me down, at least not that I'm aware of. She does try I think to appeal to my logical process because she knows it's bloody useless to deal with my emotional part in it so she's trying to get me to be with my emotion rather than BE the emotion. It's so hard because when I'm angry I get defensive and feel very threatened and if I don't fawn I will lash out and she's safe enough that I can get mad... and that's a good thing. She said she very much welcomes me to be as angry as I want with her if it means I will avoid being angry with myself... however... if I realize I'm angry at her so that I'm not angry at myself... wouldn't I just stop being angry?? I don't know.

quote:

This was an entirely new experience for me. A problem was discussed and solved. Crazy stuff.

^ I really can relate to that also. I've gotten more comfortable saying the word... us... relationship, we, etc. Where before it was very much me and a thousand yards away there is T. I think feeling like it's a relationship helps me have a base where I can assume we can get through anything. That's how I am in love and unfortunately it gets my heart broken where I just assume if you love someone (because of my upbringing where my parents would say they loved me but didn't like me I assumed if you love someone you always always always never leave them even if you hate them, beat them, are afraid, etc) that you stay forever. Iv'e realized my Ts do have genuine feelings for me and dedication so it makes it just a little easier to freak out on them and I think my Ts like that, as difficult as it is because it is progress.

Keep up the good work with your T!



((Quell))

quote:

I so totally feel like he's completely stupid and useless sometimes, and that I'm stuck with my frustration about whatever his offense was, and that I have to drag us through it.

I HATE negative transference and so sorry you have to go through this too. Ugh!

My T has never really said she will mess up... not that I can remember anyway. I'm pretty confident that they are 100% certain everything is my fault. But... I know they have apologized and acknowledged stuff before so that can't be true. My reactions are mine to own though and that's where I get lost sometimes.

quote:

My sense is that even though we hate it, this is somehow what we are supposed to do.

I think you do learn stuff through ruptures but it is more implicit... something under the surface because cognitively the whole situation is a bunch of crap but emotionally we notice, I think. It is hard to feel like you're doing it all alone; I think right now anyway that in a way it's abandoning ourselves when we think the other person is useless we are throwing ourselves sort of in to helplessness as much as we are in to our own competence but... we're trying to learn something different so doing it alone like "we always have" is counter productive. I think that takes a LONG time to learn and actually do... I sure as heck can't.



((BLT))

Your T is pretty smart we can't know what they are thinking/feeling just like they can't know about us. Sometimes I think my T tries to assume and assumes she's right meanwhile I can't assume anything about her. That really annoys me. I'm sorry that your T, like mine, isn't psychic like they should be!! I'm glad she is good with repair



((CoL))

I like that your T reigns you back in after you fire her. I've never fired either of my Ts but I have talked about quitting therapy, but I just am trying to work through the feelings. Recently I did say I don't know how I can go back but it's not really me FIRING them it's my shame firing me from my therapy. I'm glad your T says meaningful apologies... mine do too when they actually say them and I think if I expressed myself better they would be a lot more empathetic but it's hard to be empathetic with someone who can't hear you and takes everything you say wrong. Which is what I do. I am glad that your T has shown you relationships can be worked through - mine has shown me that too and that being in a relationship doesn't always mean you will get beaten/hurt/etc that has been the hardest part for me to accept. She said a lot of clients tell her that... that it would be easier if she just hit them than going through productive repair.

quote:

T has always had us take a step back and shes always tried to understand me and why I flipped. I guess I took it for granted that all Ts do this.

I actually think most Ts do this, including mine. A lot of our feelings expressed here are transference I think people are working through, learning curves that are going on. And yes, some of it has to do with different styles. My T is client centered so... really it's me driving the bus and if it's not getting worked out and I'm not feeling seen... it's probably because I haven't learned or gotten that far yet and we're teaching me subversively.



((STRM))

I know you've talked a lot about your ruptures with OldT I really think she had a lot of CT going on though which made it 10x worse. I often think my T is putting herself first but when I can look back without hate goggles she doesn't. I'm sorry she made a lot of excuses ugh... I sometimes feel like my Ts are doing that but they are trying to explain. Sometimes they don't explain for months I think because they know at the time... I can't hear. 'm glad you haven't had any ruptures with new T... but you will and I hope she will resolve them she seems like a really steady and sane individual. Thanks for your supportive words and I hope you're doing well!


((effed))

quote:

I wish I could be helpful, but I'm afraid I will be just joining in with some of my own bitching and moaning (warning: I am in the middle of--yet another-- rupture with T as well and may sound particularly negative...)

Misery loves company, it's okay to bitch and moan with me

It's so hard to learn how to get past ruptures... in it I feel like I have no clue either... it's a slow... annoying.... painful... process.

I really, really resonate with this:

quote:

I get why we have to be the ones to bring our grievances to them, I really do. (An unfortunate side effect of this is that I end up feeling like a compulsive nag/whiner).

After a rupture I end up in a shame storm of epic proportion where I have to tell my Ts at least 15 times that I appreciate them and I'm sorry for being disrespectful and not appreciative, etc, etc. It's my way I think of begging not to "get in trouble" after I've calmed down because growing up... well begging for forgiveness never worked but I would anyway and I do it with them too. In our repair she said a LOT of hard stuff including that she thinks with both of them (T1 and T2) I put them in to all good, or all bad. If they mess up it's all bad, etc. That ticked me off but I realize it's true. What we didn't talk about, and what I want to bring up is how much I think that is a defense mechanism (well duh, she knows that) but... in order to survive I literally had to remember every bad thing about my parents and then later when they weren't being scary I had to remember every good thing. So when I get upset it brings up a tidal wave of expectations and every minute detail of every past issue because I have to remember ways to protect myself. I have to know everything about everything she's done so I can be prepared. It's really hard to let go of that old stuff not because I want her to feel bad but because I need to protect myself.

I'm sorry you are having troubles with your T right now also. My T didn't ask me what resolution looked like during our rupture... she said something like "So do you expect me to just sit here in remorse or what do you want? Do you need someone to blame, I don't blame people that's not what I'm about". I wanted to punch her in the face. I realized last session as we repaired I don't know what the hell I want and I was really angry with her for assuming what it must be. I told her... maybe that is what I want but I really don't think so. It felt like she was putting herself one above me by saying she doesn't blame. As if she was saying "I'm much better than you". I find wanting to find someone to blame a very shameful/weak trait even though I think all people (even my all mighty T who claims she doesn't feel that way ever (yea right)) so that is probably why I'm so defensive... who knows.

I get you and about a sense of common understanding. It's hard... and it requires us to learn to be present in the rupture/repair. It sucks.



((Mayo)) Thanks for your sweet words. I like what you're saying about healing needs to be done on both sides sometimes, I really believe that. As I've seen my work with T as more of a relationship (and accepted that I'm working on attachment difficulties) it's easier to understand sometimes that she's on my side but... not always. I think it makes the repairs faster but still makes the arguments just as hot... at least for now.



((Liese))
Thank you for all the hugs I get upset with my Ts about boundaries also... not being able to know what they REALLY think. I constantly tell both of my Ts I basically pay them to be nice to me, to not beat me otherwise they would probably murder me because I just feel like I make everyone want to hurt me. I still really feel that way... that if it wasn't ethically wrong they'd totally lose their morals over how enraged I make them. It seems silly to write now but... emotionally I believe that fully at the moment.

This is exactly how I feel most of the time:

quote:

Sometimes it's hard to reconcile those "I want to be angry, it's your turn to care about the relationship" feelings with really wanting to learn about myself. And sometimes it feels like I'm just going back with my tail between my legs, still wanting to be angry but knowing that if I don't go back, that anger will harden.

Even after the repair we had I still have some lingering stuff out there that I want to address but... I feel like I can't because I'm so ashamed. I'm really going to try to work through that this time. I hope my T realized how hard I worked last session to be reasonable... but again... I can't know what she thinks.

What is Lott's book called? I avoid reading therapy stuff right now because then it makes me put even more unrealistic expectations on my Ts and I just get more pissed off. But eventually I might read some stuff. Mostly I just read about my conditions not necessarily how a T should/should not deal.



((Dragonfly)) You're always so sweet and supportive, thank you



((xoxo)) Thank you for the hugs and for the compliment about working hard, both of my Ts have said something similar and yet I still feel like they expect more.

quote:

He doesn't apologize for being himself, even if being himself in some way upset me.

Ugh... my T is the same way. She will say that's just her, it's who she is about some things. I can respect that because I feel like I can't huff and puff and blow her down that she is settled in what is her part... so when she does apologize I know it is genuine, I can't really say it's something she's "just saying" because I know she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it. I'm still having trouble accepting all my Ts flaws and I believe you are right about the bond being strong it will work out. Even though I have problems with my T I feel stuck to her, both of them... I'm glad you and your T can accept each other so easily.

Kindof off topic, but I didn't want to try to start a whole new thread on something that everyone was already discussing - Is that ok?

...Do you guys every feel like the rupture is entirely one sided and happens all in your head?

I'm pissed off right now because I sent an email that felt pretty urgent in a 'I need some support' fashion... and she didn't respond and I feel let down.


She's done it before, and says that she responds to emails when she feels like a response is necessary.. So I've never felt like I could go back and be like "Well, that email was more important than that other one..."

So, I feel like the whole rupture is in my head. Like, I'm pissed off and have this whole thing going on in my head...and I think by the time I get to my next appointment - I'll be over it and she never would have known it was an issue in the first place.

Should she know it's an issue if I can get over it myself? Ugh...Why doesn't therapy come with a rule book?

Yeah I have one-sided ruptures all the time. I worked out that i will get myself in an absolute tizz and t has no idea, so now I try and tell her as soon as i can so she knows I am in distress.

quote:

...Do you guys every feel like the rupture is entirely one sided and happens all in your head?

Yes, only like...every single time!

Incidentally, Navy, about the email thing, the rule we have is that I need to ask explicitly in any email for a response, if I want one, and preferably the specific type of response I am needing. Sometimes it's "I don't need a response." Sometimes it's "Just let me know if you think what I wrote was insane," and sometimes I might have a specific question. If I don't specify then I'm just stuck with whatever I get or don't get, basically. I find it really hard to ask sometimes, but in the end I think it's a better system. I get to practice asking for what I need, and she has a better idea of how to help me.

quote:

...Do you guys every feel like the rupture is entirely one sided and happens all in your head?

Yes, and often times I think my T thinks that too, NavyMe!!

My T almost always responds to emails unless I ask her not to (and even then sometimes she does anyway). She will talk about the general feelings - I guess it's sort of validating - though I think almost 100% of the time I'm talking about shame so my T almost always replies with 'be compassionate with yourself' which is truly a reminder I need 100x. I can see how you'd feel like one email was more important than another one. Maybe you could ask for just an acknowledgement, but then... if it's short or missing the point that could hurt also.

It's not in your head, it's okay to want to sort it out. I mean... that's what it kind of is all about - how we respond to situations, learning how to cope with them, etc. Sometimes though... I get the 'being over it' thing too but usually... that's a sign I'll just bring it up later or it will be used as fuel when I have another problem with my T because I'll start thinking "Well, clearly this new problem is because of the old problem and the old problem is proof of this new problem, etc"

I think she should know, even if you can 'get over it' yourself, it's good to explore. I know that's kind of a typical response but I mean if you can't tell your T something who can you tell? Even if it doesn't change it's still okay to talk about. And I'm with you on the rule book.