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8 replies

dying inside

ghostgirlghostgirlMember
****TRIGGER WARNING- MENTION OF SELF INJURY****



Dear T,

Why do I long for you to hear my words. Why do I long for you to hear the screams of the little girl inside of me whose life was shattered by sheer neglect and abuse. Why do I yearn to connect with YOU! You are so much like her. I could never go to mom when I was a little girl. I could never cry to my mom or expect her to soothe me because she was the one hurting me. I had to take care of her. Clean up her vomit after a long night of drinking, wait for days by the window when she would disappear on a drinking and drugging binge, hoping she would walk around the corner safely instead of being dead somewhere. Why does the child in me want from you what I never got from her. Why does the woman in me want so desperately to be understood and valued and feel a sense of significance from you. The woman in me knows that I cannot come to you for those things. You are not with me on my journey. You really don't care if I live or die, and she didn't either. I need you and you are not here because you CHOOSE not to be, I needed her and she CHOSE not to be. What is that supposed to tell me about my worthiness. That I am not worth being heard, that I am not worthy. I have to accept the fact that I lost the only opportunity I ever had to have a mother. That no one else can ever give me what I did not have. I can't expect you to be there. This is my journey and ultimately we are all alone in our journey. That ultimately we can only soothe ourselves. That ultimately none of it feels like it matters anymore.

I have been working incredibly hard on my own, utilizing every tool in my toolbox, but I am getting tired and my defenses are breaking down. I wish I could reach out to you to prevent a crisis.
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
GG,
I am sorry for your experience with your mother and am concerned about your relationship with your T. I can understand struggling to believe that she cares but if you are feeling no connection with her and no emotional support, then it may be that you are not working with the right person. I know the boundaries of therapy can be very pain-provoking and the inherent ambiguity can make us question the reality of the relationship, but what you are feeling seems to go beyond that.

There a couple of posts on my blog you might find helpful: Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You’re Crazy But Really Aren’t, Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn’t, How do I fill the void? and One Among Many.

And I know you are very new, so you are probably not aware that this post violates the forum guidelines:
• Considering different methods of self-injury is prohibited.

Could you please edit your post to take out the mention of a specific method of self-injury? And although its not a rule per se most people on the forum will put a trigger warning at the beginning of posts that discuss self-injury, suicide or other potentially triggering topics.

And last but not least, I have noticed that you are starting a lot of threads, which makes it difficult for other members to track what you're saying and to be able to respond to you. It also tends to push other people's posts way down in the list so that they are easily missed and then do not receive support. So there is no rule, but I was wondering if you might consider having a single thread and when you want to post again, just reply to your own thread? I think it would be better for everyone, including you.

AG
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
The Say Anything thread is there so members can say the things they'd like to their therapist. Just be aware you won't always get feedback on that thread. And the categories aren't hard and fast. They're more there so if people are looking for a topic, they have a better chance of finding it. If you're not sure, Coffee Talk is usually a good catch-all forum.

The best person to check with would be TN as she is the moderator. Smiler

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