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dysregulated

heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Ahh. . . just called T because I was having an anxiety freak out and needed a few moments of regulating. She is just so good at grounding me and has told me many times to call when I need to, that she doesn't mind, etc.

Well, while we were on the phone she explained to me that she was just getting back from a family funeral. Confused Poor T. I hope it wasn't her mother or anything! I really wish she would have either not answered the phone or not told me about the funeral, preferably the former. Now I feel bad for calling and I'm worried about her. She was her normal kind and helpful self and didn't seem bothered by my call, so I wondered why she told me this? Maybe she just felt like she needed to hear condolences, which I did offer.

This was a strange thing to say to an activated client, I think. Not that I'm trying to make this all about me, although I guess I am. Of course now the issue I was calling about strikes me as quite miniscule in the scheme of things. Could that have been a subtle point she was trying to make? I think not. My T can be a little bit perplexing at times. Being human, I guess.
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
HIC,
My best guess would be that although you experienced her as the same steady presence, she felt like she was off her game and didn't want you thinking that she was upset with you. She self-disclosed so that you would know it had nothing to do with you if she sounded "off."

My T did that once when we were on the phone, telling me that if he sounded bad, it was because of a sinus infection. It helped as he did sound a little off and I went immediately to 'he's so tired of me calling' but I still ended up worrying about him being sick and feeling like I shouldn't have bothered him.

Our hypervigilance (there for very good historical reasons) can sometimes make it very difficult for a T to make a call about self-disclosure.

You didn't do anything wrong by calling, it;s her policy and you were respecting her boundaries. And offering her condolences was a caring thing to do, but you don;t need to worry about her. She has other resources and places to get her own needs met.

AG
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Thanks AG. Most likely you are right about your assessment of my T's motives for the disclosure. That is the sanest explanation and she does seem to be mostly sane.

lol, this is going to sound terrible, but I just find myself wishing that it was somebody not terribly important to her that died. . . like a cousin's brother in law, or a great uncle she never liked, or something. I'd hate to think she answered the phone for me after the funeral of someone at all close. . . my "need for regulation" is not all that important, anxiety hasn't killed me yet, lol. I wouldn't have called at all except that I figured she might just be sitting in her office in between clients and have a couple minutes for me.

I doubt I'll ever know because it's not like I can ask her, "so hey, who died?" Anyway. . . I have a session this evening and I know I'll be hyper alert to any signs that she's been grieving. Maybe it's good that I know that's a possibility so I don't accidentally give her too hard of a time, or something. We'll see how it goes.
puppetpuppetMember
hi HIC,

i guess its good she's looking after herself, but i am sorry if it will affect you as well. you sound very understanding though and very caring and considerate - and i'm sure she appreciates it too. i have been in a similar situation with my old T, and if she doesn't look after herself, it can affect your therapy. i really did see her grieving for a while even though she never talked about it, and it was harder for me to bring stuff up. my only regret looking back now is that i wasnt more open about it, maybe both of us being open about it and discussing it - both in terms of my concern for her -and also how it was affecting me. I felt selfish thinking about it - but it is not a selfish thing - whatever feelings come from this, they are legitimate feelings and she will most likely want to know about them.

hope it goes well working on this together.

puppet

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