((((Jane))))

I can relate a bit, as the incident that happened in Christmas 2009 makes that holiday nearly unbearable for me right now. I wish I had more to offer, but you have my hugs and prayers and empathy as you move through these next couple of days!

Oh Jane
I'm sorry you're struggling with this holiday. I for one don't care about any holidays but Christmas and since last Christmas ruined it for me, that doesn't count anymore either.

Do you think you can just ignore Easter? Thankfully it's not a holiday like Christmas where everything just stares in your face for weeks so you might be able to actually get away from it. You could use the time to craft something, or watch movies or watch an entire season of a series or do a beauty-day or paint or listen to an audio book or read a book or talk to us or do a spring-cleaning, whatever you feel like doing.

Easter is only as important as you make it. As is everything

We're here for you.

((((jane)))))
I am sorry you are so filled with sadness right now. It sounds like you have many reasons to feel triggered by the Easter holiday. Even without the specific triggers, holidays can be so difficult....dealing with family is just plain hard especially for those of us with complicated childhood experiences.

I can relate to difficulty during this time of year, as this Easter marks 4 years since I cut-off contact with my older brother who abused me sexually for several years. It is really hard to engage but I try for my kids and it is much much less difficult when we stay home!

I am sorry you are feeling alone. And I'm so glad you are posting about it.

((((((jane))))))

sea

Hi ~ thanks everyone. It really helps right now to know I'm not alone in this. I’m in a rough place, and I bailed on friends tonight. Something (I’m not sure what) got stirred up emotionally, and I felt really physically sick and started to shiver. I told them I was tired and needed to head home. So I did, and came home, checked email about something I thought of volunteering for tomorrow. I found the email I needed, but then noticed a really important email I missed from this past week… And it’s very not good that I missed it. It’s a potentially a big problem. I called my T and told her what the email was about. It’s a problem that I hope can be straightened out... oh crud... It is a type of problem that scares me and triggers me in a way that my T understands. (sorry to be vague about what it is - if I even wrote it, I would probably start to get more freaked out.) I’m tempted to try to stay up even later tonight (this morning) and try to get it all sorted out. I started to do that, and I started to really fall apart. So, right now, I’m trying to wait until Monday before I try to deal with it. I just don’t think I can add much more right now. I’m not sure I can wait on this either, but it’s too much to try to do anything about right now. Not on Easter.

As if one bad email wasn’t enough, I got another. My mom emailed pictures of Easter for other family. I really didn’t need that. I only saw the first picture and deleted the rest and replied saying “no thanks, I don’t want to see any more.” I feel bad because she meant well, but I really don’t want to see my aunts and uncles carrying on without me – the black sheep. I really don’t miss them, I’m glad to be without them, but it hurts to be reminded of the loss and the icky family junk. Right now I think my goal is to just try to stay present and safe and ok for Easter. It feels like my body is trying to keep me from crashing. Literally. I feel really alone even when around others. This will pass too. Monday will come. I will see my T on Monday. It’s gonna be ok. So I keep telling myself.

Sorry to ramble. I need a break from life. I want to just run away right now. But there is no where to go. I'm just here, in my messed up life and self that I am trying to get ahold of and nothing is ok.

~jd

Janey, how are you on this lovely, ordinary Sunday?

((((JD))))

You aren't alone today. You have lots of people who care about you.

I'm hoping you are able to find some peace today.

Jane,
I just wanted you to know that I was praying for you this morning in service. (((Jane))))
LG is right, you're not alone.

AG

(((JD))) Thinking of you today.

((pf)) ((lg)) ((ag)) ((df)) ((strm))
Aw, thanks. You all make me smile.

After a very tough night, I did go out for brunch and then volunteered at something. then I came home, tired and sad - I feel like I could cry at nothing right now, which is weird, even for me.

I'm so glad for you all.

It is very cold for us where I live, so I'm going to make some soup and try to get some cleaning done, just like any other Sunday.

~ jd

I made it through the day!

Now off to bed. I'm sad but found some joy in today too. Thanks everyone for being here with me through this and for all the good thoughts and prayers. I so deeply appreciate it.
~jd

JD - I'm sorry I couldn't be with you yesterday. House full of kids and grandkids. Driving me nuts! It was fun though.

Then going to parents was inevitable. The obligation. I went, brought the B@#$h a Tulip and card. Everyone else was there, of course. In the few minutes I was there my mother had her moments of trying to make me feel guilty, and my dad with a couple of insulting comments about my partner. I let them roll off, but by the time I left, which was probably 20 minutes tops, I was so angry. I don't know why I feel like this obligation is something I have to do. I already know that they don't like me, and I don't care anymore, but I guess I try to do the right thing and then I just get trampled on. So much for that. I'm so done with them this time. Hopefully things are looking brighter for you today.

So glad you made it. Was thinking and praying for you between songs at church! (((Jane)))

Good News Jane! It's a whole 365 days until you have to deal with Easter again!

Jane, hope its ok if I bump this thread. My Easter was kind of weird for me too.

I woke up Sunday, and unexpectedly, what I remembered was an Easter morning 23 years ago. My father was beating my sister, who was 2 years old, still in diapers. I don't remember what she did to trigger his rage, but he was whipping her, and then screaming at her to shut up and stop crying (how could she? she was shuddering just trying to get a breath between sobs). Then he started shaking her violently because she wouldn't stop crying. And then beat her more. Her bottom/legs were black and blue the next day.

What was I doing? I was standing at the doorway just watching. Feeling extreme rage and hatred for my father. Wanting to rescue my sister from him. Wanting to run. Wanting to cry. But also feeling fear which kept me frozen and mute. So I did... NOTHING. He could have killed her, and yet I just stood by silently, to save myself, because I was unwilling to intervene, knowing I would then take her place as the target. She was barely 2. And I just watched. How can I not turn that rage and hatred for my father against myself for my inaction?

You know what happened next that day? We all went to church, as if nothing had happened. Pretending like we were all followers of Christ. But then...where was he in all of this? When I read the New Testament, it seems to me that Christ was the greatest social worker that ever lived. But in my own little world, here and now, I still find it hard to trust in him. I also know that outward displays of religious faith prove nothing.