This Sunday is Easter, and I want to hide. The past 4 Easters have all been very difficult. One thing or another that has been slightly traumatic has happened the week before Easter or on Easter.

Last August I was excommunicated form a church that has now totally gone under (the last service for the church was litterally on April fools.) The same pastor guy who kicked me out without so much as a conversation about it, apparently burned a lot of other people too and a month ago was asked to leave and everyone else came to the decision that they were all too burned out to continue and disbanded. (It was only about 200 people big).

Last Easter, my extended family that lives about 30 miles away told me not to come for Easter dinner because they could only deal with my uncle who had just gone through a divorce, or me, and I refused to let them fix me. Um, duh. Why the heck did they feel like they needed to fix me?! They even said my problems did not affect them, but just remotely knowing me, reminded them that my life was difficult, and it was too hard with how much I kept them out. No simple easy just hanging out and having fun with family Easter dinner for me. My aunt and uncle even told me that if I show up at my cousin's wedding, that my cousin invited me too, they would tellme to leave. I have not een or communicated with any of the said of the family since last Easter.

The year before that I was in an out of state tretament program on Easter, and spent the day taking the train up the coast and wandering around. The Easter before that, I was in a pretty bad car wreck. The Easter before that, friends from my old and now disbanded church, inivted me over for dinner. Simple and easy.

While Easter is not a huge holiday for most people, it reminds me of much pain. It is an anniversary date of sorts.

My reg T asked me yesterday what I was planning on doing for Easter this year. I told her I didn't know... I then told her how much it reminds me of all this crappy stuff that has happened. I'd like to just hide form the whole thing.

But even more, I wish I could be with people that day. Most everyone I know will be busy with family. People know I have family near by, certainly I'd go be with them. My heart just breaks. I am a leaper in my family and in my life and it is CRUMMY. Easter is supposed to be about joy and redemption, not rejection, pain, loss, wrecks of cars and relationships.

I pursued trying to find anything I could volunteer with for the day - and haven't found anything yet. On Easter 2 years ago, when I was the in out of state treatment program, I did buy daffodils, and gave them out to other clients in the program and it was so much fun. A couple of people even went with me to give out more to others in a medical hospital. Daffodils are cheap, and they remind me of hope, being one of the first flowers that comes up in the spring, with bright earthy flowers. So I've been thinking of something I could do like that again - maybe go give out daffodils to those in a nursing home. I just don't want to do it alone... and I feel so silly about this... to ask any of my friends around if they would be willing to come with me sometime that day. It feels like too much to ask for.

So then I try to think of another idea, anything, to get myself out of my head. To build a good memory, no matter what crud comes my way or has happened in the past. I'm striking out. Does anyone have any ideas? Does anyone else struggle with the Easter holiday? Maybe it's just a bad anniversary date for me. One that I so badly want to redeem.

~ jane