Hi Quell,

Nice to "meet" you and welcome to the forums. I think what you are saying about control makes a lot of sense. I've seen myself do that since being in therapy too-- asserting hyper control over some unrelated area of my life, or making a sudden autonomous decision, I think as a way of assuring myself I'm not giving all my power away to T as things get more vulnerable and scary and I deal with the uncomfortable aspects of attachment.

quote:

I've also been feeling a lot of feelings from my childhood. It's sometimes intense and scary. . .

When I read that, it also occurred to me that having those feelings could be making you psychologically re-experience the past in a way that makes turning to the coping mechanisms you used during those times (or at a similar time) seem natural, logical, and even compelling. Humans are habitual and pattern loving creatures and I think this sort of thing might be one way we strive for harmony (or at least familiarity) in the events of our lives.

So, anyway, what you are describing makes sense to me, and hopefully will provide valuable material for discussion in therapy that will help you make those connections and get to "the other side" as you put it.

Best of luck!
Heldincompassion

Hi Quell,

I'm very new here, but your post resonated with me. I agree that thinking about the past could be bringing up past coping mechanisms, but I really found it interesting that you also said you felt like you were really making progress and this cropped up.

I just went through this with my T. I was doing so well, and then I really started paying attention to my behaviors and in reality I'm falling apart, resorting to things I haven't done in years.

She explained it in a way that kind of reminded me of a house/apartment building with all the showers running at once. (If you've lived in a place with touchy water pressure, you can appreciate this.) Sometimes when we start therapy we have a few unhealthy ways of coping with stress (ie, a few showers on all at a relatively low, manageable pressure).

Then as we go through therapy, we're asked to turn those off one by one. Naturally the pressure on the others is going to be amped up now that the water is no longer being shared with multiple showers. There might even be enough water pressure to turn on a new coping mechanism (or an old one, like in your case.)

The goal is, of course, to find enough healthy ways to relieve all the pressure so that you can turn all the "showers" off. I am definitely in the midst of working on this myself, so I can't speak as to how to do that yet

Similarly to deepfried, I think this could be both about affect control and the fact that you're making progress. Don't let that downplay your progress one bit, though. Since it's happened to me, I just remind myself that I still made the progress and this process is just a little bit harder than I thought it would be Best of luck, and I'm so glad you're telling your T.

scribble

Hi Everyone,
HIC, DF, and Scribble, thank you for your responses. It really helps to think about the water pressure analogy, avoiding affect, and turning to old coping mechanisms. I am still feeling good about my progress, even if it throws me off a little. And I am pretty happy about experiencing more feelings now in general, even though sometimes they make me feel like I want to puke. Huh! Even though I don't really want to tell my T, I'm pretty sure I will next time. I know it's not healthy, and I don't want to get stuck battling something else again.

Quell

Nice to meet you Quell - I'm more of a lurker these days, but your post struck me.

I think DF and HeldIncompassion were spot on in pointing out that sometimes when we are in the "memory mode" our old coping mechanisms are triggered, even if we've been without them for 20+ years.

quote:

I've been making some progress in my life and in therapy lately. For example I have been feeling more real in my life and I have been a lot more open with my T about our work together and how I feel about him and therapy. I've also been feeling a lot of feelings from my childhood. It's sometimes intense and scary, but I'm also happy about it because I feel like "this time" I might really "get it" and get to the other side. I generally feel a lot better about myself and right now I feel like I am learning a lot, partly after reading so many posts that have made sense to me here. So this eating disorder relapse--so unexpected after such a long time.

I think part of making such good progress is that our inner systems start to freak out a little - even unconsciously - and try to sabotage that progress in an effort to stick to at least some bit of familiarity. Almost, oddly enough, makes sense that ED would rear it's ugly head and start demanding some attention - all the positive changes you're making in your life mean ED will be left behind once and for all, since it sounds like you're resolving many old issues, some of which, may have gone undiscussed during your first dance with bulimia.

quote:

I have heard that eating disorders are connected to wanting to have control. Maybe I am trying to control one thing while I let some other things feel more risky, like seeing how my past affected me and trusting my T more? Does that sound logical? Well, if not logical (ha!), then likely anyway?

It's my understanding that yes, eating disorders are about control and (quite little about the food itself) - but not in the way we think. Like DF said, the ED "controls" our thoughts and habits as a way to prevent us from feeling anything. An ED presents the illusion of control, when in reality, we're in no more control than we were before we let ED take over.

I'm fighting what feels like a losing battle with my ED these days. My nutritionist has been working closely with my T, and as we're diving into deeper stuff in therapy, my ED is getting worse. She explained it to me as that when my body starts to get a little healthier, ED is so busy scrambling around trying to make me engage in ed behaviors, that the feelings my ED were suppressing start to escape. It's to the point where we're taking a little "break" from the deep therapy stuff for a week, so I can get a little more stable on the ED front. I'm finally starting to understand how it all plays out- ED and anxiety/depression seem to dance nicely together, as much as I despise both of them! I have been introduced to some GREAT ED resources - feel free to PM me if you'd like to check them out.

Oh, and keep up the great work with your therapist! Sounds like you're making a lot of progress!

Hi Quell,

I don't know a lot about eating disorders but I just went through something psychologically in the last year that was very reminiscent of something I went through 30 years ago. It was such a repeat and it was very scary to feel that way again, actually very out of control. I never resolved those issues back the either and it seems as though, as the others said, the bad coping mechanisms reemerge during periods of stress.

I read something recently too that made me stop and think and I don't know how on target this is for either me or you but I thought it was interesting and something to keep in mind for myself and that is, that we do start making progress but then it gets scary because we're afraid that we're going to lose all the wonderful support we've been getting this far in order to get well. And, so, we relapse. I don't know if this resonates but since you are taking so many risks lately, I thought I'd share that with you.

Also, those feelings that were there in you 27 years ago may have just been stored in a different place and now, since they've been triggered again, you will actually be able to integrate them for the first time.

xoxo

Liese

quote:

...that we do start making progress but then it gets scary because we're afraid that we're going to lose all the wonderful support we've been getting this far in order to get well. And, so, we relapse.

This TOTALLY makes sense to me Liese... I hate it, but it is exactly what I've been battling...

Hi RTG and Liese,
Sorry I missed your comments the other day. Thank you for your thoughts on this. I have a couple of questions.

quote:

My nutritionist has been working closely with my T, and as we're diving into deeper stuff in therapy, my ED is getting worse. She explained it to me as that when my body starts to get a little healthier, ED is so busy scrambling around trying to make me engage in ed behaviors, that the feelings my ED were suppressing start to escape.

How is it that diving into deeper stuff in therapy makes your body healthier? Or is that not what you meant? I'm sort of intrigued by the idea.

quote:

we do start making progress but then it gets scary because we're afraid that we're going to lose all the wonderful support we've been getting this far in order to get well. And, so, we relapse.

I'm not sure I get this. I get that it's scary. I think I ALMOST get what you mean by losing the wonderful support, but I'm not sure. I feel like it's scary to realize that I've gained some ground because then I have some ground that I could lose again. Is the wonderful support code for support in therapy?
Oh, wait. Oh, because I need support to get better and I have been getting better and now just as I realize that I need that support (whether in therapy or in life,)I also realize that I don't want to need it. I sure don't like needing anything or losing anything. Yep. Oh, maybe I get it after all.

Probably should PM you for those ED resources, as well, RTG. I guess it's time.

Hi Quell, hope you're doing a little better!

quote:

How is it that diving into deeper stuff in therapy makes your body healthier? Or is that not what you meant? I'm sort of intrigued by the idea.

Let me see if I can explain... when my ed is active, it keeps all my feelings stuffed down and suppressed so that I really don't "feel" much of anything. Yes, when that happens I am an emotional wreck, but really I was numb, so nothing made a difference. I used food and my ed to keep me numb. In therapy (with both my therapist and my nutritionist) things have gotten really deep and painful as we work through some of this crap. Which means I've resorted to some of my old ed behaviors.

Prior to the deep work in therapy, I was actually getting stronger in recovery - was eating better, working on ed related challenges in therapy, etc. As that strength developed, my ed was less able to suppress all the feelings and emotions that it had been doing so well when I was numb. It's when those feelings and emotions started escaping that things got out of whack again.

BUT - that is progress! (Strangely) as it means that we're getting to some of the root causes of my ed (and other issues) which will ultimately result in recovery (or so I am told.)

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I feel like it's scary to realize that I've gained some ground because then I have some ground that I could lose again.

Yup. Making progress due to the newfound support in therapy is so scary, because like you said, I made progress, which means I could backslide too.

quote:

Is the wonderful support code for support in therapy? Oh, wait. Oh, because I need support to get better and I have been getting better and now just as I realize that I need that support (whether in therapy or in life,)I also realize that I don't want to need it. I sure don't like needing anything or losing anything.

Bingo. I resisted needing my therapist for months. I constantly pushed back when she tried to give, got mad when she was being so kind and caring, and tested her to see how much of me she would tolerate. And all the while she remained calm and steadfast. And I finally realized that at this point in my life, I need her. I am attached to her. I don't want to lose her. And that's ok. It just doesn't feel ok cause I have never had that before. Add to the mix my awesome nutritionist, and I now have two incredible people looking out for me, working to help take care of me, helping me learn to take care of myself. The thought of needing them as much as I do is frightening, but at the same time, it's in having their support that is making all the difference.

Don't know if that makes sense or is more confusing? And feel free to PM when/if you are ready for the ed resources.

It does make sense! It's just that I seem to forget the same truth over and over and over. Like I should read this 900 times.

Or maybe it's more like the idea that reading it might take 900 times to really sink in, but if I somehow experience the truth instead, it will be easier and easier to remember.

That's the therapy part, I suppose...

Thanks everyone. It helps.

Oh, I should say that I did tell my T about it...five minutes before the end of my session. Then he brought it up with about 10 minutes left in the session after that. So I guess we're getting into it slowly!

People have recommended nutritionists to me, so I might just be uncharacteristically pro-active and see if I can meet with one before I absolutely have to.

Also, I told a couple of my friends about what's going on and that has made me feel better, not because I think it's great stuff to share, but because it seems like having it be a secret thing is sort of triggering somehow. I don't really know how. But telling has helped a bit.