Hi CT

I don't know much about your history but the chaos in your mind might be what you experienced growing up. It can also happen when you're getting lose to breaking through defences - a sense of fragmentation can set in because the glue that has hld your psyche together is unravelling and the replacement isn't set yet.

It is a very daunting task and the depression and sleepiness might be a resistance to change and other scary more deeply hidden feelings.

The obsessing and constant thinking is very hard. Sounds like there is a lot of anxiety for you and a need for control to not let the anxiety become overwhelming and unmanageable.have you tried meditating/mindfulness to keep your mind centred in the present?

For a long time I couldn't do deep emotional processing in the presence of my T. But I fainted in his office late last year and for some reason that was the turning point for me. It is incredibly exposing to let someone else into the deepest and most painful chambers of our souls. I was convinced my T would reject me if I did because I carry so much fear, shame, guilt and self hatred and I thought if he saw that it would ruin the therapy and/or destroy him. Maybe some of that resonates with you and maybe it doesn't.

Hugs to you

quote:

Does anyone else do this? Take it all home with you after a session, process it all, and then tell your T what you felt at the next session?

Oh yes, pretty much did that for the first 8 months of therapy. Eventually I think you just start to feel safe taking more risks and letting someone watch you struggle more. It hasn't been an easy process at all, though.

Hi CT,
I can relate...I had on occasion been able to be emotional with my T but mostly it didn't feel quite right. Last session as I was telling her how I could only do this alone and I couldn't hold onto stuff that I had to process it alone...I was talking very slow and quietly...and I said how embarrassing it was to let her see things even though I knew it was supposed to be a safe place...all of a sudden the tears just started coming. It was like I had to talk my way through it as I was saying I couldn't and going slow and letting myself feel it and stay with it instead of pushing things away I managed and it turned out to be probably the best and most healing session so far...two years with her! I hope it stays that way. "Couldn't contain things without processing either." I think slowing down will help...although that is hard and I don't know how it happened because I didn't plan it that way at all. I think I oculd have written your entire post...I also try to protect her from my feelings as I also kept my feelings from my mother to protect her! I have said and done all the things you've said! I hope you will turn a corner soon. One thing I did let go thru my head was that T had once said "you can say whatever you want in here!" Edit: I know we all get there differently but a few weeks before I had mentioned my mom and then she asked me a question about her...I was surprised that she asked and I told her so...that "for me" seems to have been what probably set all of this in motion in my psyche...atleast that's my assessment anyways!

Keep working on it...it will come!

Hopeful

Thanks for the replies GreenEyes, BLT, and hopeful.

GreenEyes,
I do think you are spot on... the chaos does mimic my childhood feelings, and I do think the glue of me psyche is unraveling. I do feel a need to control myself very, very strictly... espcially control what I let come out of me in front of my T. I have a very hard time meditating, and honestly, can't get into it much. I'm sorry to hear your fainted in your T's office, but I'm glad it led to a turning point for you. Can you shed any light on what it was like for you to begin letting your T in further? What was his reaction (if you don't mind my asking)?

BLT,
I struggle often with the idea of being "watched" (as opposed to my T just looking at me and being with me). Sometimes I feel like my T is watching to see what I do next, like an animal in the wild. I do take more risks than I used to, but it's just so hard.

hopeful,
I'm glad you had your most healing session yet! I, too, think slowing down will help, but I don't know how to do it. Maybe talking through it like you said, I don't know... either way, I'm glad to know you've had similar challenges. It helps to not feel so alone.


I will say I've been really down this weekend. I called my T and told her that I'm getting quite depressed. She called back and said maybe I'm feeling sad, not depressed... but I can't tell the difference. We have an appointment on Tuesday, but I feel like crap NOW, damnit! I just want to sit with her and cry... but when I see her, I know I'll just sit there and avoid looking at her. I don't know how to let myself just be with her. And it's so hard because I want to run to her and away from her all in the same moment. I feel like I can't make the right move... because I'll be upset either way. It's so frustrating.

-CT

Hi there CT -

I just wanted to add that I could have written your post myself, about a year ago, when I was first starting therapy. I was so exhausted - processing seemed to be the only thing I was doing, 24/7.

My therapist kept remarking on how much work I was doing outside of therapy, and how she was encouraging me to do it IN therapy. I tried to explain, via metaphor, what was happening. I was a pot, a huge pot, of boiling swirling feelings, and I suddenly had no lid. I was a plane, coming in for a crash landing, bouncing and skidding and screeching. I was a child, who's mother had died (my mother was my abuser and I cut off ties with her at the start of my therapy).

I had no control over any of it. I had no say over when. I was a lid without a pot.

So, for me, I just had to keep feeling. Feeling, feeling. I had, of course, lots of worries about doing therapy "right", and I wanted my T to tell me (of course) that I was doing a good job, or to tell me a timeline of when it would end, etc.

All I can say is to KEEP GOING. A therapist friend of mine said, "PTSD/TRAUMA/ATTACHMENT work is work that has to get worse before it can get better - it's hell. So if it feels like hell, KEEP GOING."

Keep going - you can do this. And you will get there with your T - give yourself a break. You are doing amazing work!

CT it was really scary letting my T in

Initially I was so overwhelmed with grief I'd been carrying for so long that I cried hysterically through 6 or 7 sessions not caring what T thought. My T was accepting, supportive and incredibly empathic. He has this way of being very present to the point I feel like he's physically holding my child part, but I knew he was separate the whole time.

However because he handled it so well I struggled with the boundaries. I wanted to live in his office or wanted him to come and stay in my home. I became aware of how much I needed him and how much I loved him. That was very difficult to disclose but he accepted both with such a gentle "I know" that it deepened our bond.

In the last few weeks I've revealed some excruciatingly difficult and shameful thoughts and experiences and he is so quick to soothe, validate and comfort those feelings and my tears and pain. He promised nit to reject me or take advantage of my vulnerable state. It's a scary yet incredibly intimate and healing process. He blames my abusers for their actions and has so much compassion for the child in me who has lived through complete hell all these years.

To be able to let go of self blame and self hatred even if only for a few moments is an incredible experience.

Thanks MetaMantraMe and GreenEyes. I appreciate your words and support.

MetaMantraMe:

quote:

I was a pot, a huge pot, of boiling swirling feelings, and I suddenly had no lid. I was a plane, coming in for a crash landing, bouncing and skidding and screeching. I was a child, who's mother had died.

What wonderful metaphors... they make perfect sense to me! Thanks for sharing!!

quote:

I was a pot, a huge pot, of boiling swirling feelings, and I suddenly had no lid. I was a plane, coming in for a crash landing, bouncing and skidding and screeching. I was a child, who's mother had died

I have to agree with this. This week, my T was talking about how when we finally learn to feel, it's unfortunate that all of the bad feelings come up first. But we have to make our way through them so that we can also feel good things. I think that's part of the hell your friend was referring to... all the bad feelings that come pouring out.

GreenEyes:

quote:

In the last few weeks I've revealed some excruciatingly difficult and shameful thoughts and experiences and he is so quick to soothe, validate and comfort those feelings and my tears and pain. He promised nit to reject me or take advantage of my vulnerable state. It's a scary yet incredibly intimate and healing process. He blames my abusers for their actions and has so much compassion for the child in me who has lived through complete hell all these years.

Thanks for describing this for me. I think I'm finding it to be true with my T as well. I know she's there, waiting to help me through everything, but it's just so hard to trust that she's going to remain steady (even after all this time). I still don't trust that I- or anyone else- can withstand the intensity of my feelings. I'm afraid she doesn't know what she's signed up for... even though I know she does. But like you said, it's nice to hear her hold the people who hurt me accountable... instead of if being about me being bad/unlovable/unworthy of parenting.


I had a great session with her (thanks for all your support to get me there). I wrote like I normally do, walked in, and said, "I wrote a lot, but I don't want to give it to you. I'm tired of writing. I'm tired of taking it all home and doing it by myself. I'm scared to tell you this, and I'm not quite sure what I mean, but I don't want to keep doing things this way." I said, "I've put all my energy and all my focus this weekend into coming in here and NOT just handing you my writing."

I think she was a little surprised... and maybe even a little relieved. I told her I didn't know why it was so hard for me to process with her, and she said that she believes I have always wanted her to see me how I think she wants me to be (basically have a good image of me)... that what she really wants is to see me, as I really am, with feelings and all. I told her that I'm not really sure what to do with that because when I write, I can convey more information to her, and when I talk, we cover a lot less. I said that it's hard for me to prioritize my thoughts because I want her to know every thought I ever have. She then talked a little about the difference between "content" and "the process", each of which are important, but the process still goes on regardless of the content.

As I was talking about beginning to feel a sense of sadness for me... the child me who was neglected and left to her own devices... she said that what happened to me was "wrenching, even to her..." That really meant a lot to me to hear her say that... like it was validation that I should, indeed, feel sad for me. The hardest part for me lately is that I'm recalling memories... and seeing my face. I've never seen myself before in my memories... never seem that I was human, that I was a child... I've always just been a void in my memories. Who feels sad for a void? Not me! But now, I have a face, and I'm an actual kid... and it's much harder to blame me for everything this way. So my system of self blame is cracking (and my T is quite pleased lol), but it's very disturbing to me. It's like I have a whole new perspective on me... and it's not pleasant.

But I'm just content right now... that I went in, talked, didn't hide behind my writings, and even managed to look at her a little more than normal. Isn't it funny that I can barely recall what she looks like after 6 years!?! That's how infrequently I look at her... but not this week... I managed to see her face a few times, and it was really intense/nice.

Thanks everyone who replied to me, and who read and simply thought of me. I appreciate you more than you know!

-CT