Hi tacy,

I can email my T between sessions but not text. When you said you started to read do you mean that you read your emails out loud to T. Did you find that helpful?

I hope you can find a way to work with this new T.

Tacy,

I'm not sure if we've met, but if not..hi!

I'm sorry that your T is retiring. It sounds like the two of you had a great relationship.

My T does not do email at all. She does not consider it secure. She typically doesn't text with clients, but once she sent me a text and then over time we started texting. I ended up asking her if it was really okay because we had never really talked about it even though she did it first. She said I was the only client she did it with but thought it was great.

Fast forward a year...I wish we had never started it. It has been the source of a great deal of miscommunication and stress. After doing it for a solid year and having rupture after rupture over it I finally said enough and I will not text my T any more.

My T also allows faxes to be sent to her office. Like you, often I can express myself better in writing even when I can't talk. There have been some positives that have come from faxing, but again we've had many issues over it as well. Once again, I really wish that I hadn't started it and I'm no longer going to fax my T.

What I'm saying here is that while the email worked well with your T, electronic and written communication in emotionally charged issues and what can sometimes be a confusing relationship can lead to confusion and misunderstanding if both parties aren't super careful.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be all doomsday here, but I'm starting to wonder if it isn't best to save largely all communication for inside the therapy room.

I both text and email with my T. Email was because I offered to send him some journaling about some questions he had posed to me and he felt the journaling was so helpful that he encouraged me to keep sending. He never replies to the emails and we only cover them in session, where they can be explored together directly. Texting was T's idea and started as an offer to just have a sort of cord between us, a daily update on how I was doing, because I had a lot of safety stuff about a month or two in. I panicked a lot, because it was never well-defined, what he expected of me, what I could expect from him, etc. However, once we sorted that out and had groundrules, it got much better for me. If I absolutely need a reply, I have to ask for one. Otherwise, I may get one or not. I can't expect a quick turn around or long conversations via text and if a lot of stuff comes up in text, we also go over that in sessions. Mostly, it's to stay connected between sessions and have somewhere to reach out when I'm really struggling. Just having the resource means I don't really need much from him in reply, because I know he's there on the other end of what I'm sending. Every once in a while, however, it causes a total freakout. We've had very few ruptures over texting, thankfully, but I had to stop texting with my pastor (who we set up as a sort of safety sponsor especially for when my H is on business trips), because my projections over what I was sharing were ruining my experience of the friendship.

Hi, tacy99...I'm sorry to hear that your T is retiring...that must be very difficult to experience.

I think it's awesome that you experienced a breakthrough with your T on the issue of emailing...it can be a helpful intorduction in how to speak to a therapist. I do think that there is a point in the relationship and our growth when we kind of move past that, and it needs to stop, because therapy will kind of stop. Unfortunately, once a T has allowed emailing to happen, it seems to be not fair or right for them to tell a client to stop, even if it is impacting the therapy negatively. So I would say...that I totally respect both therapists who allow emailing, and therapists who do not allow emailing. For myself, it caused nothing but problems in my therapeutic relationship with my T, to the point where I had to leave, over that, and many other unresolved issues. I personally have come to believe that for some people (not all) it causes more pain than help, since the boundaries in the relationship become blurred and confusing for those with serious issues. We come to be confused about the nature of the relationship with out T, because we have contact with them outside of the therapy session, when they are on their own time. I think it can work if the T makes it clear that he only answers emails during his or her office hours, since then we won't hope and come to believe inside that we are more than a client to them, which could be most painfully confusing...but I am speaking primarily of myself and my own experience with it...I do beleive it is varying for each person, and that what works for one may not work well for another.

good luck in your new therapy- it sounds like you had a wonderful T, there...

Beebs

I didn't start with emailing it started with my scribbling a goodbye letter as I waited in reception one week. I read it at my session and literally everything changed. That was the first time I cried and spoke with such emotion. Instead of being an end, it was a beginning.

I began journaling thru the week and would read it when I got there. Some weeks I'd practically convulse with effort to just read it, and eventually I started censoring my writing because I knew I'd be reading it.

The next phase then was I could email throughout the week, he agreed to not read any of it. Just before my session he'd print it out, hand it to me and I'd read what I could. Then I had the choice of shredding it, or letting him read the parts I could not.

Somewhere it evolved into a back and forth often. There was never an promise of response, and if I needed one, I had to ask. It's possibly just the idea of another ending. The email.

I posed the question here as at my last session we talked about the new T not taking emails and I was upset. He brought up that niether he or I did anything wrong, but perhaps the emailing is playing a part in my having such difficulty with his leaving. I am a mess about it. Of course I became attached, and dependent. The very thing I forced away the first three yrs!'

Again, thanks for the points of view.

tacy

I text my T several times a day and occasionally email, but she is not much of an e-mailer.

If I had it to do over again, I never would have opened that can of worms with texting. I feel dependent on it and once you start, it is hard to go back.

LG,

I really need to think about what you just said. The whole you wish you didn't open that can of worms in regards to texting T.

I have a hard time because my T's boundaries are so firm. NO texting, no emailing, no calling between sessions unless it's an emergency. BUT, hearing from you and a few others, it seems like there are negatives on the other side of that spectrum. SO, thanks for giving me some food for thought. I might just have to readjust my thinking on this one.

--Broken

Hi Tacy,

I can't text or email my T but I can call 24/7. So, at least I have access to him. Does your new T allow phone calls in between sessions? I definitely find it harder to call him than I would to text or email but then again, can see why texting and emailing can get really painful and am glad that my T doesn't allow it. Sometimes when things are too hard for me to say, I have written T a letter and mailed it or written things on paper and handed it to him to read. I think my therapy goes a little slower because it's much harder and scarier for me to verbalize the things I need to. But on the other hand, my T has infinite patience and so there isn't a rush to get anywhere particularly fast and it's probably better for me to learn how to say the hard things.

Sorry to hear that your beloved T is retiring. I get my back up when I hear anything negative said about dependency issues. Maybe this is what you need and needed now. Maybe it's not what you will always need. You've come a long way in 6 years. Good luck with the new T.

Liese

Hi Tacy
I'm sorry that your t is retiring and you are moving to a new t. My t doesn't do in between contact which works for me. The exception was the week we have just done some serious grief work in and t offered me her email incase it got too much. I haven't used it only because I would find it so tough to say my feelings in an email and would not want to misunderstand any reply she might send. I use writing in between sessions and sometimes take that into session to help me express myself as it sometimes allow me to get to the feelings which for me personally I can't get to in email. That's not to say in between contact doesn't work for some people - I think some people here have had very good experiences with emailing/texting. Good luck with your new t and maybe ask them to clearly say what thier outside contact boundaries are.

Hey Tacy,

I too need to write - as I am a non-verbal mess at sessions with a blank mind and no memory of the week or any issues I have.

With my previous T - I emailed to brain dump during sessions, however these were problematic at times as sometimes I was desperate for her to reply - but I couldn't ask for it. Her replies were NOT what I needed and was a source of anger and rupture for me. We renegotiated and it was ok. I could text her also if there was a problem or ring her office and get a message to her and she would call me back. I would also write my journal / issues / memories and would read them out during a session or give them to her to read.

I am now with a new T. She openly offered texting or phoning if I needed it and I was surprised by this - but realised that she works with people with personality disorders and realises she needs to have a contact. I also said that I need to email between sessions and we have renegotiated our contacts. I can email her between sessions ( not sure how many is too many) and she will only reply or acknowledge them when I ask. She even said to me that I could use a code word system if I felt uncomfortable in asking what i needed directly ( isn't that really sweet!!)and so depending on the code - she would reply or call me. I told her that I needed to take responsibility for what I needed and said I would say it directly (can't believe how far I have come).

I have emailed her 3 times this week. Once was my brain dump the night of my session. I always think after a session and fill in the gaps as I can't speak much during. The 2nd was that I was having a low mood, but had worked out why and had let her know - it was something to discuss at the next session. And the 3rd was about an issue that I need support with - again for her to bring up at the next session. My session was 6 days ago.

I do this because I forget. I give her background info in the email so that I don't have to explain it all. IT helps a lot.

If I needed her to talk to me or to hear a voice, I am allowed to text her and tell her that. She will call me if she is able to. She knows I need the link with her to feel secure (I have borderline personality disorder so I really need access to her sometimes).

If my T took emailing away from me I wouldn't be able to cope. Full stop.

If I was going to a new T who didn't accept emails - it would be a no-go for me. I need to write and I need to email - I need that type of therapy and that type of relationship. I know that my T might not read my emails until 5 mins before the session - that is ok with me too. If it was urgent - I text her and she then reads them. That reminds me, I need to text her tomorrow to make sure she reads my emails before our session.

Tacy,

Emailing has always been an issue for me. I love to write out my feelings/thoughts. It just flows better for me that way, and T knows that. BUT, she's placed rules around my emailing. It drives me crazy because I could email her all the time if I let myself get carried away. SO, my new thing is that I created a fake mail account like "mytherapyjournal@". I now write emails to myself to that address. I keep them...go over them on Thursday evenings and then remember what I want to say on Fridays.

It's better than T telling me to just draft stuff. I think because I like the impulsiveness of sending things..it feels good to send it all out there...

It helps too because I have BPD and can be a raging BPDer sometimes and it makes it easier to save face and not stick my foot in my mouth.

Hope everything works out well for you.

--Broken

Hi Tacy, in answer to your original question, I cannot email my T at all, ever. If she has an email address, it must be a highly guarded secret. She's older and not super comfortable on the computer, which may be part of the reason why. She has adapted to texting, however, and can text T9-style way faster than I can (I prefer using the full keyboard). I usually text my T at least once every day, somedays multiple times. Lately I have been telling T she should block me because I don't think its good for me, but at the same time I want it and seem incapable of stopping on my own. My T says I text her more than any other client right now, but that its a stage other clients have gone through too, and that eventually they got to a point of security where they didn't need to do it except in emergencies. T refuses to block me from her phone and disagrees that its bad for me. She says texting is a place where I can say things that I am afraid to say in person, and the content of my texts has become the subject of many, many sessions. So you see, it gets me into trouble, because once I push "send" I can't take it back very easily.

I do think it would be awfully hard to be used to frequent contact with your T and have to suddenly stop. It would be better if the need for contact had been able to resolve naturally rather than being forced upon you. I'm sorry for your predicament. I know there are a lot of varying opinions among T's regarding the usefulness and/or potential for harm that intersession contact provides. It's my thinking that if you found the contact definitely more helpful than hurtful in the past, that perhaps you should seek out a therapist who is comfortable with allowing you to do that again. There are T's out there who believe in the benefits of it, but I suspect they may be the minority, so I wouldn't give up if you don't find one like that immediately.

I often write emails to my T, but I've never sent them. Once I printed one out for her to read in session, and I think that was helpful because there was a lot of pertinent information in it. But normally just the process of writing has been beneficial for me, and once I type my thoughts out (to her, in my imagination) I feel no need for her to actually read them.

I know she has an email address because it is on her business card, but she's never mentioned if it's "okay" to email her, and I haven't asked because so far it hasn't been something I've felt I've needed to do. Same for texting. She's never offered it, but then, I don't like to text so it isn't something I would utilize even if it were available.

She does often tell me to call if I need to. I love that I am able to do this, and have at times called as frequently as once a week, but lately it's been lessening. I don't know if this is something she offers to every client, or if it's because I am a particularly batty basket case. She never outlined a contact "policy" with me. In a way I'm envious of those whose Ts have been so clear, because it would be nice to know the rules, but on the other hand, the fact that she's left things vague makes me feel a bit more trusted, which is nice in it's own way. She's always been very sweet and helpful when I call.

I'm sorry you are losing a T that you have worked so well with, and hope you are able to find one that is a worthy replacement. If you feel having email contact is important to you in a therapeutic relationship, perhaps taking that feeling seriously and looking for a T who is compatible with it is a good idea?

Thank you so much for all the feedback and support. My mood has plummeted the past few days. All sorts of negative thoughts and impulses are raging inside me. I've had almost 4 months to work on this goodbye, but I don't feel ready. So much of my therapy the last 4 months have been directed at some big issues and my falling apart about him leaving. I don't have anyone irl to tell about this.

Again, thank you all so much. This is a great place and I hope to become more involved with the forums.

tacy