Jo,

How completely humiliating that must have been! If it's not the norm for you, then she shouldn't have said anything. She should have waited to see how things are after you got through this crisis. When people have stuff going on, their stress levels are increased. When our stress levels are increased, the smells coming out of our body are increased. I know this, because I went to my therapist when I was smelly during a very stressful time of my life a few times in a row. I could smell me. I finally said something about it. She explained to me about the stress thing, and said that it was okay, and that it didn't bother her. She even kept coming on the ground close to me and rubbing my back, like usual. I'm telling you this to tell you, that in my opinion, your therapist was completely out of bounds to say anything. Also, if you're bleeding, and having to use pads, of course there's going to be an odor. I'm mad for you! That's not right! It was rude! I would be tempted to terminate, too.

I don't know what to tell you, except that that was lame.

Maybe if you give it some time, you'll feel like discussing it with her to get some closure on it.

catgirl

I have tears in my eyes...I wish someone had told me that when I was younger...

My mother did not take care of us. She never made us bathe, brush our teeth, or wash our hair. Until I was in middle school, my sister and I were probably the "stinky kids" and had no idea. On top of it all, my parents smoked so we always smelled like a bar, even when we were clean. When I got into middle school, I noticed that the girls often went to school with their hair wet so I did too (thank god) but I still had no idea how to use a q-tip, apply make-up, or shave. It was horribly embarrassing every time something "new" was revealed in gym class because I knew that everyone else was aware of the "how tos" of hygene except for my sister and I.

As a freshman in high school, I developed an odor problem, um, "down there." I didn't have a CLUE what to do about it (these were the tight Wrangler or Rocky Mountain jeans days) so I just kept my legs crossed for four years. I asked my mother about it but, like usual, she had no information to give. When I was 19, I finally got the nerve to ask to see the doctor about my insane periods and while there, discovered that I had a pretty bad bacterial and yeast infection (the cause of the odor). It took one prescription to erase what had been the bane of my existence for years.

Moral of my story -- no one had the nerve to ask me what I was doing (or not doing) and instead, spent their energy making fun of me. I desperately wish that some teacher, counselor, or friend would have been honest with me. I know that person would have had a lot of pressure to just act like the rest of the herd and not say anything and they probably would have earned a "F**K you!" from me too...ha...but my life would have changed.

Another thing -- I've come to look at cleanliness as attached to self-love. When I am in a funk, I will not shower. I do my best to go to work clean but some days it's a chore. Perhaps that is what your T is most interested in -- your self love and its expression. Go buy some fu-fu soaps and salon shampoo and, if you don't have one, a shower radio. Then, start looking at the shower as a daily ritual to love yourself. I purchase flushable wet wipes and keep a package in my bathroom and in my purse in order to freshen up my honey pot, ha (particularly when I am on my period as I like pads more than tampons). I also wear the super-strength deodorant by Secret because as I've aged the cheap-o stuff doesn't last all day.

I am now going to say something that you might not want to hear -- Your T was acting out of the braver, kinder, more honest side of herself. If I were you, I'd go back, give her a hug, tell her (for me) that you know how difficult it must have been for her to be honest and that you respect her more than ever -- I know that I certainly do! God bless the sometimes "brutally" honest folks in the world! Girl, I swear, it's OKAY that your T noticed because unlike most folks, your T cares about you and doesn't attach judgment to her assessment (i.e. "she is such a loser"). You are allowed to be afraid, you are allowed to be overwhelmed however, you must take care of yourself. That is step 1 towards getting your equilibrium back.

Thank you Catgirl!

Your post was so validating that it made me cry. There is no way I will ever go back to her. I think she was cruel and told her so. I asked for a termination session and she said she didn't see any reason for that. I do have another apt with a different T next week however I am leery of the whole thing. Thank you for your support. It sounds like you have the kind of therapist I am looking for.
Jo

Wow Queen, that sounds like a really difficult time. It is too bad no one told you about it. I feel for you.

As for my T. No I will never see her again. Perhaps I'd consider it if it were not for a few other things that happened in the past with her like when she threatened to sue me because she thought I wrote something nasty about her on the net that I absolutely had not done. In fact I invited her to sue me so she could find out it was not me. I did my best to let that one go. But now this. No way. This woman is mentally ill and I wish I could warn others to stay away from her. When she told me all this she was not compassionate about it. In fact she sort of laughed in a derisive way as if to say "Fine go smell anywhere else if that's what you WANT but not with me" as though I were choosing to have some problems.


Thanks though Queen what you said was brave.

Whoa -- in that case, YES, follow your gut! Maybe reporting her to whatever organization she is a member would be beneficial. If she was unstable with you, imagine her behavior with the rest of her clientele!

Yeah that's sort of the conclusion I came to on this woman. However at this time I probably won't do anything. I have so much on my plate. The best thing I can do is move on. I have spent a lot of time with her. I know I won't miss her. I look forward to seeing the new one this week. However your kind words of support touch my heart and help me get through this pain.

Hi Jo
I am so sorry you had to go through that. It is bad enough that you are dealing with being sick then have to deal with an ass as well. I have a temper. I would have told her to drop dead and walked out. When you are feeling better, write a letter to the ethics board. They should know what she is doing. I just terminated services with my T as well. Sometimes I think some T's throw ethics out the window and do and say whatever they want. I sometimes think the word compassion is no longer in there vocabulary. Don't worry about her. You take care of you....

Board of ethics now that is an idea. I will consider it. She's all lawyer happy so I need to be somewhat careful. I was so tempted to tell her that it is rude to pick your nose in front of people even if you use a kleenex to do it! Yes she does that! You know wraps the kleenex around her fingers and digs for gold. Ugh.

Hi Summer!

I'm glad that you like your new therapist and that she's helping. How's it going with her. Are you going to keep seeing her?


Jo,

The thing that really gets me about your situation is that even your T said that it's not normal for you, yet she still had the audacity to bring it up rather than waiting it out. It's so uncool. If it were an ongoing problem, maybe, as a T, she could bring it up in a kind gentle manner so as to be helpful, but it's not an ongoing problem. And to threaten to stop seeing you because of it?! She sounds like she has major problems. I'm sorry this happened.

catgirl

Someone mentioned above here that terminating services with your T can be the right thing to do for your situation, but it still hurts. I know I made the right decision and I know my T will not loose any sleep over it but it does hurt and I feel bad. I have horrible trust issues. I trusted her and as far as I am concerned she abused that trust. It will be hard to trust another T. I feel angry because she said she would never abuse my trust or make me feel bad. So why do I feel bad and hurt about terminating her services and moving on?

Summer,

In my opinion, right now, you don't "need to accept that he tried to handle the termination the best he could under the circumstances." That will come when you're ready for it. You don't have to try to force yourself into a feeling.

Right now, you just need to work on you and where you are with the termination. You don't have to focus on him. Does this make sense? Take care of you right now. Don't worry about making it okay for him to have done what he did.

Also, you asked recently if you should try to call him again or contact him again. My opinion is that you shouldn't. You still seem to have expectations, and you'd be setting yourself up for disappointment.


Anyway, these are all my opinions, take them or leave them.

I admire you that you've been able to make it through this difficult transition relatively intact. I'm glad that things are working out with your new T.

Summer,

I hear ya! I'd probably be doing the same thing, trying to reason that he did what he had to do, and all. It has to be true; he did what he had to do. We don't know the situation, but he did what he had to do for himself, for whatever reason. Maybe, he freaked out that he's getting on in age and has been working all of his life and doesn't want to work another day. Maybe he has cancer. We don't know, but for whatever reason, he did what HE HAD to do. It was how he needed to take care of himself. You don't need to doubt that he did what he had to do. He didn't intentionally hurt you or any of his clients. He cared about all of you. He just needed to care about himself.

I wish I could explain this in person, because I don't want it to sound callous. It comes from a caring and sensitive place inside of me. It comes from a place that has experienced loss and been disappointed, and has had to learn how to deal with it.

This is what I've learned: At some point, you need to focus on you and your healing and your self-care, and take the focus and obsession off of him. This is where the healing will come. I've also learned that you can't force this to happen. It will come when you're ready for it to. But, you also have to be willing to work for it.

You may never get the closure that you need from him. That must hurt.

I'm here whenever you need to talk about this huge loss.

I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. I can't even imagine.


catgirl

Summer,

That's cool that she says your a healthy person. Even healthy people can get thrown off track, I think.

I have three cats. They currently live with my not-yet-ex husband, but I'm hoping to bring one of them here to live with us. My daughter wants to get a new kitten. That would be fun, but I feel loyal to the cat that was originally mine before I got married. I love cats.

catgirl

Hey HB!! Long time since I have talked with you. Good news! I did find another T. I have seen her twice now. She is SO NICE. I can't believe I waited this long to find a new one. I am surprised at just how little I miss the old T. I only saw her for a little less than a year and I don't think I even liked her. The more time went on the less I liked her. I think she may need help if you know what I mean. Thanks for your support Tina and Summer as well.

Anyway this new T... At first I wasn't sure. But then I saw her a second time in as many days and I was POSITIVE I want to see her. She is very hard of hearing but that doesn't matter at all. I think she can read lips. Anyway that is beside the point. Finally I am seeing someone who has a heart and who doesn't seem to want to pounce on me every chance she gets. THANK GOD~!

Thank you all of you once again for supporting me through this awful time.

Hi summer!

I was going to say good evening to you but I am not sure where you hail from. Could be day time where you are.

Yeah smell is a VERY personal thing. I read once that smell is our most ingrained memory because our olfactory system or whatever you call it is so close to our brains. I guess it's right up in the middle of our brains. My old old T, the one who I saw for over a decade and left last year used to tell me I smelled good too because of some cologne I used to wear. I liked that I guess. But this other T, (This is getting confusing talking about 3 different Ts) So um T2 was a real trip. She had some good things to give me therapeutically but ultimately she was drawing a picture of herself for me. And the more developed that picture got the more I realized that she is EXTREMELY OCD. IS that a good quality in a T?