S'okay BB - I didn't take it personally so much as just wished I'd got in before the heebiejeebies got to you. It's hard, huh. I've thought about deleting myself outa here too. Hang in there.
J
Hi Jones
Just wondering if you'd had another EMDR session? Remember how hard that preparation session was for you recalling those childhood traumas and just wondered how things were. I hope perhaps the validation from people here has helped you be more confident when you do process them. If it's too difficult to reply about it though I understand
starfish
Just wondering if you'd had another EMDR session? Remember how hard that preparation session was for you recalling those childhood traumas and just wondered how things were. I hope perhaps the validation from people here has helped you be more confident when you do process them. If it's too difficult to reply about it though I understand
starfish
Hi Starfish - thank you for asking. I had a session last week where we took a break from the EMDR prep because I really needed to process some current-life stuff. T noticed I was already spacy when I came in - I really needed to update her on what was going on, more than anything. Next week we'll go back to preparing, working with the safe-place stuff.
This is very different from my husband's experience - he did one prep session, then went straight into it. My T is giving me lots of prep sessions. I don't know why, but maybe it's a few things - the dissociation I was doing, the trouble I have focusing on a safe place, that she's leaving in a couple of months, and we're now working on a 10 session course of couples therapy as well. So there's a lot to process. I really like how careful she's being, watching me closely and giving time for each thing.
The support and validation you guys gave me in writing about trauma stuff has been absolutely invaluable to me, and I would be in a much different place without it. Although my T is doing everything she can to help me through these things in a manageable way, once the cat was out of the bag on the trauma stuff I really needed to be heard about it in a way that I could control. Writing here was perfect, and I never dreamed how deeply I would be touched - and changed - by the responses. I still have processing to do on what I wrote about, and I want to do the EMDR. But you guys gave me something my T actually couldn't give me, which was immediate on-going support as it came up, and a sense that the kinds of things that happened to me were not 'normal', whatever that is - hearing that from numerous people has really changed my perspective. The responses each of you gave me made me feel heard and held and even loved. It might be easy to think that care from anonymous 'strangers' doesn't mean anything, but actually it says a lot about human nature, the goodness of people, the value of therapy and about you individuals in particular. Ideally I would have liked to respond more directly to the individual support people gave but I still just can't do that, it's too close, so I hope you will each understand what I'm writing here personally.
I feel weird to have taken up so much of this thread on EMDR without actually even having got to the EMDR yet. But I also think this is all been part of the process too. I know some people have had experiences of finding it too much too fast, so I'm hoping my experience will suggest that it's okay to slow the whole thing down if necessary - AND to get the extra support here.
This is very different from my husband's experience - he did one prep session, then went straight into it. My T is giving me lots of prep sessions. I don't know why, but maybe it's a few things - the dissociation I was doing, the trouble I have focusing on a safe place, that she's leaving in a couple of months, and we're now working on a 10 session course of couples therapy as well. So there's a lot to process. I really like how careful she's being, watching me closely and giving time for each thing.
The support and validation you guys gave me in writing about trauma stuff has been absolutely invaluable to me, and I would be in a much different place without it. Although my T is doing everything she can to help me through these things in a manageable way, once the cat was out of the bag on the trauma stuff I really needed to be heard about it in a way that I could control. Writing here was perfect, and I never dreamed how deeply I would be touched - and changed - by the responses. I still have processing to do on what I wrote about, and I want to do the EMDR. But you guys gave me something my T actually couldn't give me, which was immediate on-going support as it came up, and a sense that the kinds of things that happened to me were not 'normal', whatever that is - hearing that from numerous people has really changed my perspective. The responses each of you gave me made me feel heard and held and even loved. It might be easy to think that care from anonymous 'strangers' doesn't mean anything, but actually it says a lot about human nature, the goodness of people, the value of therapy and about you individuals in particular. Ideally I would have liked to respond more directly to the individual support people gave but I still just can't do that, it's too close, so I hope you will each understand what I'm writing here personally.
I feel weird to have taken up so much of this thread on EMDR without actually even having got to the EMDR yet. But I also think this is all been part of the process too. I know some people have had experiences of finding it too much too fast, so I'm hoping my experience will suggest that it's okay to slow the whole thing down if necessary - AND to get the extra support here.
Hi Jones
Thanks for the update. I am so glad that your T was so attuned to your current needs - that was so important. The safe place stuff is equally important but sounded like it was happy on hold for a while. And I know what you mean about how good it is to be careful and watching you closely. It's difficult sometimes to vocalise what's going on and so helpful when it's noticed and addressed
I'm glad all the feedback was helpful too or you too process that early trauma stuff. I totally agree, it's the immediateness of the responses here that is so helpful - you have a problem and sometimes it just can't wait a full week or two can it? That together with the support and validation from people who may be strangers in one way, but truly care so much about others' needs. Wonderful
I don't think it matters how long it takes for you (my T would keel over if she thought I had written that, being so impatient with myself and my seemingly slow progress!!) to get to do the EMDR work, slowing down to prioritse the important stuff seems eminently sensible. Good luck for when you do it Jones, we'll all be holding our breath waiting to hear how you got on and rooting for you.
starfish
Thanks for the update. I am so glad that your T was so attuned to your current needs - that was so important. The safe place stuff is equally important but sounded like it was happy on hold for a while. And I know what you mean about how good it is to be careful and watching you closely. It's difficult sometimes to vocalise what's going on and so helpful when it's noticed and addressed
quote:T noticed I was already spacy when I came in
I'm glad all the feedback was helpful too or you too process that early trauma stuff. I totally agree, it's the immediateness of the responses here that is so helpful - you have a problem and sometimes it just can't wait a full week or two can it? That together with the support and validation from people who may be strangers in one way, but truly care so much about others' needs. Wonderful
I don't think it matters how long it takes for you (my T would keel over if she thought I had written that, being so impatient with myself and my seemingly slow progress!!) to get to do the EMDR work, slowing down to prioritse the important stuff seems eminently sensible. Good luck for when you do it Jones, we'll all be holding our breath waiting to hear how you got on and rooting for you.
starfish
((((((((Jones)))))))))
What an awesome thank you, you made my evening!
AG
What an awesome thank you, you made my evening!
AG
(((((((((AG)))))))))))
You're so welcome AG. I felt every word you, and others, wrote.
J
You're so welcome AG. I felt every word you, and others, wrote.
J
Hi all,
Well, finally I can give an actual update on actual EMDR. We did this for the first time last week, but I didn't want to write about it till I'd had a follow up session, which was yesterday.
What happened: my t sat near me and waved a pen back and forth in front of my face quite quickly, while asking me to picture the images surrounding the target (the thumb incident) that we'd identified. She encouraged me to go where my mind went and after a minute or so of pen waggling she would stop the pen and ask me about what was coming up. For me this meant going through quite a long series of associated memories. I would stay with one for a while, often crying, and then move on to the next one.
I found that the original incident had lost most of its 'juice' by the time we came to start this. Yesterday we talked about that, and I told her that in an effort to contain the feelings about it, I had written about it in the time between our first talking about it and doing the EMDR. I had felt ashamed about this after the EMDR, because I knew that it changed the experience for me, and I felt like I had done something I wasn't supposed to. My T agreed with me that it had changed the memory, but told me it was a really healthy thing to have done, and affirmed that writing has a really strong role for me in processing my past and becoming healthy. She said she only wanted to encourage it, but she did ask that I not write about the target memories before our next EMDR session.
What was it like? I have to say I didn't love it. I felt a little dizzy and sleepy each time she stopped the pen, and I found it hard to talk about everything that had come up, because it moved quite quickly for me. I didn't like not being able to talk about everything thoroughly and have that close contact of normal talking with her.
Afterwards, I was really overwhelmed by this feeling that I'd done it wrong. The writing was wrong, the memories weren't the right ones - I had the sense that I was *pushing* my mind the wrong way, and underneath that the familiar sense that everything I was remembering was petty and stupid and I was upset for the wrong reasons. I felt really flat and depressed that night and the next morning.
But the next afternoon I had that great experience of sticking up for myself with my colleague, and finding it so *easy*. I have no idea if that was connected or not, but it certainly helped me lift out of that slump. My t assured me this week that there is no right way or wrong way to do it, and what happened was fine.
Next week we are going to do more EMDR, and I am not really looking forward to it. I think I need to check in with her more about the feelings of my reaction to the memories being all wrong, before we go forward.
J
Well, finally I can give an actual update on actual EMDR. We did this for the first time last week, but I didn't want to write about it till I'd had a follow up session, which was yesterday.
What happened: my t sat near me and waved a pen back and forth in front of my face quite quickly, while asking me to picture the images surrounding the target (the thumb incident) that we'd identified. She encouraged me to go where my mind went and after a minute or so of pen waggling she would stop the pen and ask me about what was coming up. For me this meant going through quite a long series of associated memories. I would stay with one for a while, often crying, and then move on to the next one.
I found that the original incident had lost most of its 'juice' by the time we came to start this. Yesterday we talked about that, and I told her that in an effort to contain the feelings about it, I had written about it in the time between our first talking about it and doing the EMDR. I had felt ashamed about this after the EMDR, because I knew that it changed the experience for me, and I felt like I had done something I wasn't supposed to. My T agreed with me that it had changed the memory, but told me it was a really healthy thing to have done, and affirmed that writing has a really strong role for me in processing my past and becoming healthy. She said she only wanted to encourage it, but she did ask that I not write about the target memories before our next EMDR session.
What was it like? I have to say I didn't love it. I felt a little dizzy and sleepy each time she stopped the pen, and I found it hard to talk about everything that had come up, because it moved quite quickly for me. I didn't like not being able to talk about everything thoroughly and have that close contact of normal talking with her.
Afterwards, I was really overwhelmed by this feeling that I'd done it wrong. The writing was wrong, the memories weren't the right ones - I had the sense that I was *pushing* my mind the wrong way, and underneath that the familiar sense that everything I was remembering was petty and stupid and I was upset for the wrong reasons. I felt really flat and depressed that night and the next morning.
But the next afternoon I had that great experience of sticking up for myself with my colleague, and finding it so *easy*. I have no idea if that was connected or not, but it certainly helped me lift out of that slump. My t assured me this week that there is no right way or wrong way to do it, and what happened was fine.
Next week we are going to do more EMDR, and I am not really looking forward to it. I think I need to check in with her more about the feelings of my reaction to the memories being all wrong, before we go forward.
J
Hi Jones,
That sounds so interesting. I wonder what all the confusion for you is about. "Am I doing it right? Am I experiencing the right stuff? Am I pushing my mind a certain way..."
For me- I think I had an underlying fear of the process which interfered the process.
He did a relaxation technique before starting, then EMDR, and I found myself going a bit too deep, and that scared me. Plus I was never able to find a safe place, so that posed a problem. We tried it on 2 separate occasions, then I decided that it was not for me.
I liked the idea in theory though. Since i now like my T, I don't need to hurry therapy.
I wish you the best with it. Some people swear by it and have really great outcomes.
I read your post about politely standing up to the difficult person- If that is a result of EMDR, let me know, I might just give it another try.
That sounds so interesting. I wonder what all the confusion for you is about. "Am I doing it right? Am I experiencing the right stuff? Am I pushing my mind a certain way..."
For me- I think I had an underlying fear of the process which interfered the process.
He did a relaxation technique before starting, then EMDR, and I found myself going a bit too deep, and that scared me. Plus I was never able to find a safe place, so that posed a problem. We tried it on 2 separate occasions, then I decided that it was not for me.
I liked the idea in theory though. Since i now like my T, I don't need to hurry therapy.
I wish you the best with it. Some people swear by it and have really great outcomes.
I read your post about politely standing up to the difficult person- If that is a result of EMDR, let me know, I might just give it another try.
Hi Jones,
Glad you have finally started the EMDR. It has been successful for me so I would encourage anyone to try it. Sometimes its not easy and the outcome of a particular session unpredictable. I have gone from feeling nothing to uncontrollable tremors.
I usually write to my T before the session the target memory I want to tackle. I dont think writing about it would interfere with the processing. Sometimes I feel like the actual EMDR technique and recall is too short...like that's all? All this pain addressed matter of factly and it's done? I dont usually react much during the recall, my T usually stops halfway through and asks if I'm OK and if I want to continue. But, I never cry or get extremely emotional.
More of a feeling of sadness when its over. Then the real work begins. We dont address a positive belief before or during a session. Sometimes we start with a relaxation exercise. I have learned that I have to process the memory and come up with a way to change it. The changes in perception of the incident can be very bizarre, like me becoming invisible, my husband becoming invisible, me being blown out of my threatening environment into the driveway where I feel safe. All kinds of strange stuff.
It takes me a couple of days to work through the memory. My T usually checks in with me or I email him during this process. But...ultimately it works. I'm really interested in whether anyone else has these experiences.
Glad you have finally started the EMDR. It has been successful for me so I would encourage anyone to try it. Sometimes its not easy and the outcome of a particular session unpredictable. I have gone from feeling nothing to uncontrollable tremors.
I usually write to my T before the session the target memory I want to tackle. I dont think writing about it would interfere with the processing. Sometimes I feel like the actual EMDR technique and recall is too short...like that's all? All this pain addressed matter of factly and it's done? I dont usually react much during the recall, my T usually stops halfway through and asks if I'm OK and if I want to continue. But, I never cry or get extremely emotional.
More of a feeling of sadness when its over. Then the real work begins. We dont address a positive belief before or during a session. Sometimes we start with a relaxation exercise. I have learned that I have to process the memory and come up with a way to change it. The changes in perception of the incident can be very bizarre, like me becoming invisible, my husband becoming invisible, me being blown out of my threatening environment into the driveway where I feel safe. All kinds of strange stuff.
It takes me a couple of days to work through the memory. My T usually checks in with me or I email him during this process. But...ultimately it works. I'm really interested in whether anyone else has these experiences.
Hiya,
Thanks for your thoughts and support all.
Mayo (love the new name!) I think it's pretty common for me to feel like I'm doing something wrong when I do something new. And a lot of my doubt comes from the questions about whether my experience is valid. I do want to keep going with this to see what happens - and my T is quite firm that it's a good idea. I think as I do more I'll have a better idea of what it's actually doing for me or not.
Lizzygirl, that's interesting that you usually do the writing beforehand. Maybe it's to do with the kind of writing I do - I wrote about it here, but also on my own in quite an intense way, and when I came back to it the intensity of the incident just seemed to have gone already. I'm interested in the way your perceptions change like that - do you have a sense of consciously making something up to change the feeling of it, or does it just happen?
BB, thank you for the lovely compliment! I think you are supposed to let your mind go. I sometimes get spaciness and sleepiness in my ordinary sessions, particularly if my t is really challenging me, but this felt a bit different to that, like it was coming more from the physical movement of the EMDR and what my brain and eyes were doing, not so much from my awareness of her, if that makes sense. There is chance to talk in between each round of pen-waggling, but I found it hard to catch all the things that were going through my mind, and hard to come out of the sleepy/crying space to articulate. And when I did articulate she tended to get me to go back into the EMDR and see what else came up, rather than spending much time processing or interpreting.
One of the things I felt strongly afterwards and the next day was lonely, I guess because I sort of felt like I was doing this on my own. I will talk to her about this before we do it again.
I think it's supposed to be that the memories that are blocking you and making you feel afraid just don't have the same energy around them any more. So all that energy gets freed up.
Yes, I wholeheartedly endorse you saying to your P that things are coming up to distract you - the more you can say about how it is for you, the better!!
J
Thanks for your thoughts and support all.
Mayo (love the new name!) I think it's pretty common for me to feel like I'm doing something wrong when I do something new. And a lot of my doubt comes from the questions about whether my experience is valid. I do want to keep going with this to see what happens - and my T is quite firm that it's a good idea. I think as I do more I'll have a better idea of what it's actually doing for me or not.
Lizzygirl, that's interesting that you usually do the writing beforehand. Maybe it's to do with the kind of writing I do - I wrote about it here, but also on my own in quite an intense way, and when I came back to it the intensity of the incident just seemed to have gone already. I'm interested in the way your perceptions change like that - do you have a sense of consciously making something up to change the feeling of it, or does it just happen?
BB, thank you for the lovely compliment! I think you are supposed to let your mind go. I sometimes get spaciness and sleepiness in my ordinary sessions, particularly if my t is really challenging me, but this felt a bit different to that, like it was coming more from the physical movement of the EMDR and what my brain and eyes were doing, not so much from my awareness of her, if that makes sense. There is chance to talk in between each round of pen-waggling, but I found it hard to catch all the things that were going through my mind, and hard to come out of the sleepy/crying space to articulate. And when I did articulate she tended to get me to go back into the EMDR and see what else came up, rather than spending much time processing or interpreting.
One of the things I felt strongly afterwards and the next day was lonely, I guess because I sort of felt like I was doing this on my own. I will talk to her about this before we do it again.
I think it's supposed to be that the memories that are blocking you and making you feel afraid just don't have the same energy around them any more. So all that energy gets freed up.
Yes, I wholeheartedly endorse you saying to your P that things are coming up to distract you - the more you can say about how it is for you, the better!!
J
Jones,
When I write about the trauma for my T, I dont go into a lot of introspection about how I felt. I just state the facts of the event.
How I come up with my resolution to the trauma
I cant explain. It's like I know the only way to resolve it is to feel safe. My mind goes into search mode for someway to change the event or perception of the event to make it
as safe as it can be for me. Sometimes the reframing just happens quickly, sometimes it is developed over a period of a couple of days.
The ultimate goal for me now is to know intellectually yes the trauma happened....but
if processing was successful my new thought is
..SO WHAT. Yeah it happened, but so what. I'm not going to let it haunt me anymore. Its boring to think about now. If my mind starts to wander back to the memory, which rarely happens now, the memory gets blocked from me delving too deeply into it and moves away from it. So What. My new motto.
When I write about the trauma for my T, I dont go into a lot of introspection about how I felt. I just state the facts of the event.
How I come up with my resolution to the trauma
I cant explain. It's like I know the only way to resolve it is to feel safe. My mind goes into search mode for someway to change the event or perception of the event to make it
as safe as it can be for me. Sometimes the reframing just happens quickly, sometimes it is developed over a period of a couple of days.
The ultimate goal for me now is to know intellectually yes the trauma happened....but
if processing was successful my new thought is
..SO WHAT. Yeah it happened, but so what. I'm not going to let it haunt me anymore. Its boring to think about now. If my mind starts to wander back to the memory, which rarely happens now, the memory gets blocked from me delving too deeply into it and moves away from it. So What. My new motto.
Lizzygirl
Has that taken long? I'm going through a really tough time right now with a few bad memories that just won't go - feel my brain is trying to understand them and put them into context, but they're really too big (ok, too scary) for me to let myself process and won't go away. I can think 'so what?' and believe that, until they come back big time and then they are debilitating. Your post has given me a bit of hope, but also made me wonder if I'm doing something wrong, that I just can't get to that place of them being even reasonably ok.
starfish
Has that taken long? I'm going through a really tough time right now with a few bad memories that just won't go - feel my brain is trying to understand them and put them into context, but they're really too big (ok, too scary) for me to let myself process and won't go away. I can think 'so what?' and believe that, until they come back big time and then they are debilitating. Your post has given me a bit of hope, but also made me wonder if I'm doing something wrong, that I just can't get to that place of them being even reasonably ok.
starfish
Starfish,
Are you tried doing EMDR? Not sure of your question about how long it has taken me. I have been doing EMDR off and on with my T for about 6 months. We tackle usually just one memory per weekly session, and unfortunately I have enough to fill our agenda for a while. I am not always up to doing it every session. I am usually able to process a memory in the first day or two afterwards. But there have been a couple of 10's on my trauma scale of 1-10 that I have not been able to process first attempt. We have gone back to them at a later date and I think I have been successful. So I am optimistic I can knock them off one at a time, but it might take a while. If you haven't tried it, and you have a few memories you simply cant shake, I would highly recommend talking with a T who practices the EMDR. Dont be afraid of it. Its no cakewalk sometimes, but the end result has been so worth it for me to not be haunted again and again by the same intrusive stuff.
Are you tried doing EMDR? Not sure of your question about how long it has taken me. I have been doing EMDR off and on with my T for about 6 months. We tackle usually just one memory per weekly session, and unfortunately I have enough to fill our agenda for a while. I am not always up to doing it every session. I am usually able to process a memory in the first day or two afterwards. But there have been a couple of 10's on my trauma scale of 1-10 that I have not been able to process first attempt. We have gone back to them at a later date and I think I have been successful. So I am optimistic I can knock them off one at a time, but it might take a while. If you haven't tried it, and you have a few memories you simply cant shake, I would highly recommend talking with a T who practices the EMDR. Dont be afraid of it. Its no cakewalk sometimes, but the end result has been so worth it for me to not be haunted again and again by the same intrusive stuff.
lizzygirl
My T does practice EMDR and has suggested several times that we try to look at some memories this way. I'm just really wary of it, although I know I shouldn't be as I totally trust my T. I'm scared of feeling overwhelmed by a memory, which I know is not a sensible reason, as they overwhelm anyway. There are some that I can't allow myself to think of, let alone verbalise (although she tells me that I won't necessarily have to say anything about the memory in the process)...I don't know, I do think about it and maybe someday I will. Well done to you though for sticking with it and for achieving so much.
starfish
My T does practice EMDR and has suggested several times that we try to look at some memories this way. I'm just really wary of it, although I know I shouldn't be as I totally trust my T. I'm scared of feeling overwhelmed by a memory, which I know is not a sensible reason, as they overwhelm anyway. There are some that I can't allow myself to think of, let alone verbalise (although she tells me that I won't necessarily have to say anything about the memory in the process)...I don't know, I do think about it and maybe someday I will. Well done to you though for sticking with it and for achieving so much.
starfish
Hi Lizzygirl,
I have a question. Does EMDR help you to remember the traumatic events? or do they just help you to process ones that you already know about.
I don't remember much of it, only a few snapshots here and there.
I have a question. Does EMDR help you to remember the traumatic events? or do they just help you to process ones that you already know about.
I don't remember much of it, only a few snapshots here and there.
I'm not sure how I missed this thread.
Anyway, I wanted to say to everyone that has shared your memories and trauma that I'm so sorry for what you have been through. It is all a big deal and it's all trauma and I'm sorry you had to experience it.
My T does EMDR, but we don't do it often. I have felt that I was doing it wrong as well. I think what happened with that is that some dissociative barriers were coming up and really blocking the process from unfolding in the way that it was "supposed" to. This made it feel wrong even though it really wasn't. I have a dissociative disorder and EMDR when you have a dissociative disorder can be risky and needs to be approached with caution. It can prematurely erode dissociative barriers that are there for a reason. I have found it helpful for the memories that we were able to process. I often get new memories within a week or so of doing it so I don't like to use it unless there is a memory that is causing so much intrusion that I can't function.
Not sure what my point is, but I just wanted to share my experience. I think it can be a great tool for healing trauma.
Anyway, I wanted to say to everyone that has shared your memories and trauma that I'm so sorry for what you have been through. It is all a big deal and it's all trauma and I'm sorry you had to experience it.
My T does EMDR, but we don't do it often. I have felt that I was doing it wrong as well. I think what happened with that is that some dissociative barriers were coming up and really blocking the process from unfolding in the way that it was "supposed" to. This made it feel wrong even though it really wasn't. I have a dissociative disorder and EMDR when you have a dissociative disorder can be risky and needs to be approached with caution. It can prematurely erode dissociative barriers that are there for a reason. I have found it helpful for the memories that we were able to process. I often get new memories within a week or so of doing it so I don't like to use it unless there is a memory that is causing so much intrusion that I can't function.
Not sure what my point is, but I just wanted to share my experience. I think it can be a great tool for healing trauma.
skaredtoriskmyself
I think you've written my fears exactly, that EMDR will get rid of some of the barriers that I rely on to keep me feeling safe. I have a big fear that everything will all suddenly come tumbling out too quickly for me to deal with. When you say you found it helpful for the memories that you were able to process, when did you do that processing? Before or after the EMDR? Have you processed any memories that you were not able to talk about, or maybe hadn't wanted to? Don't answer if it's too difficult - I will understand
starfish
I think you've written my fears exactly, that EMDR will get rid of some of the barriers that I rely on to keep me feeling safe. I have a big fear that everything will all suddenly come tumbling out too quickly for me to deal with. When you say you found it helpful for the memories that you were able to process, when did you do that processing? Before or after the EMDR? Have you processed any memories that you were not able to talk about, or maybe hadn't wanted to? Don't answer if it's too difficult - I will understand
starfish
Can anyone answer this question- Does EMDR help you to remember forgotton memories, or does it just help you to process memories that you already some awareness of?
And if it helps recall forgotten events, how do we know the events are real?
And if it helps recall forgotten events, how do we know the events are real?
Good question mayo
All these things put me off!! What if I start remembering more than I know already, because I'm not really dealing with that stuff yet? My T has only ever talked about using it for the memories I have got though.
starfish
All these things put me off!! What if I start remembering more than I know already, because I'm not really dealing with that stuff yet? My T has only ever talked about using it for the memories I have got though.
starfish
I wouldn't say I haven't forgotten some traumatic memories, I know I have but if these memories lie sleeping, they are not an issue for me. Its the repetitive instrusive memories I'm targeting with the EMDR. When we do the emdr, I am really focused on that particular memory and thats the only memory I end up processing afterwards. It's interesting that sometimes what is said by T or me during that critical time afterwards sometime enmeshes with the processing. This can be good or bad. The mirade of my traumatic memories tumble down on me when I have a PTSD attack, that is what I'm of afraid, That have never happened to me during EMDR. We stay focused on the target memory. An example of a bad connection was I experienced an incident of abuse while in the processing stage. I couldn't process the trauma, it triggered my anxiety greatly for a few weeks and we stopped the EMDR. Once my T said something very comforting to me during the session, and I connected it with the trauma which helped me process it. Overall, the EMDR has provided relief for me. I cant speak to disassociative disorders. I do think that paramount is a high degree of trust by your T
and their follow up with you.
and their follow up with you.
Well, I have no intrusive memories, never had.
In fact, I have very little memory of any trauma, just a few snapshots and a boatload of classic side effects. The stuff was buried so deeply that I could watch all sorts of Law and Order- criminal Minds type shows and nothing bothered or triggered me for years. Now after dealing with my past, somewhat, I can't watch any of these shows, nor do I want to. No- I can safely say- I don't have intrusive memories. It is almost like the bad stuff happened to some other girl.
In fact, I have very little memory of any trauma, just a few snapshots and a boatload of classic side effects. The stuff was buried so deeply that I could watch all sorts of Law and Order- criminal Minds type shows and nothing bothered or triggered me for years. Now after dealing with my past, somewhat, I can't watch any of these shows, nor do I want to. No- I can safely say- I don't have intrusive memories. It is almost like the bad stuff happened to some other girl.
Hiya,
It's good to hear other people's experiences with this. I had another session of EMDR on Monday and I'm thinking maybe it's not for me. I don't have intrusive memories, except when I am really really stressed in my life (not at the moment) and particular things get me thinking about the past, and then sometimes it runs around and around. And I don't have forgotten/blocked trauma memories either, as far as I know. Instead I rather feel like I have particular memories that I've almost memorized or brought back repeatedly to remind me of how things were. And then sometimes when I fight with my husband I feel really triggered, and it feels like it's the past, not the present, but not a particular memory.
I cried my way through the first session of EMDR, where I was racing through memory after memory, but this time I couldn't connect with anything. I think I sort of decided not to 'chase' memories in that way, and I didn't want to go to the ones that were already 'played out' in my head. It seems like those no longer have any reality to them - they've fallen into pieces. My t kept asking me if I felt disturbed by the memories that we were discussing from last time but I didn't. It just all felt sort of flat, sad, meaningless. Maybe this means it is working!
But again I had that really strong feeling that I was doing it wrong, that my t was disappointed, that it wasn't working.
I just have four or five sessions left with her. She wants to do at least one more EMDR session but I'm not sure I want to spend this time like this. To me EMDR feels lonely - I feel disconnected from her, like it's some surgical operation where it all happens in my head, and she's on the end of the surgical instrument but it doesn't matter whether she knows or sees what is going on for me.
It's good to hear other people's experiences with this. I had another session of EMDR on Monday and I'm thinking maybe it's not for me. I don't have intrusive memories, except when I am really really stressed in my life (not at the moment) and particular things get me thinking about the past, and then sometimes it runs around and around. And I don't have forgotten/blocked trauma memories either, as far as I know. Instead I rather feel like I have particular memories that I've almost memorized or brought back repeatedly to remind me of how things were. And then sometimes when I fight with my husband I feel really triggered, and it feels like it's the past, not the present, but not a particular memory.
I cried my way through the first session of EMDR, where I was racing through memory after memory, but this time I couldn't connect with anything. I think I sort of decided not to 'chase' memories in that way, and I didn't want to go to the ones that were already 'played out' in my head. It seems like those no longer have any reality to them - they've fallen into pieces. My t kept asking me if I felt disturbed by the memories that we were discussing from last time but I didn't. It just all felt sort of flat, sad, meaningless. Maybe this means it is working!
But again I had that really strong feeling that I was doing it wrong, that my t was disappointed, that it wasn't working.
I just have four or five sessions left with her. She wants to do at least one more EMDR session but I'm not sure I want to spend this time like this. To me EMDR feels lonely - I feel disconnected from her, like it's some surgical operation where it all happens in my head, and she's on the end of the surgical instrument but it doesn't matter whether she knows or sees what is going on for me.
Hi Jones,
I have heard so many wonderful and not so wonderful experiences with EMDR. It is a hard call. When I decided not to persue it, my T did not care one way or another, so for me it was an easy decision to let it go. I think because most of my trauma was either blocked or never fully formed because I was so young, I have a hefty fear that I will get flooded with stuff that is worse than what I already know.
It is amazing how different peoples experiences are.
Best of everything in your decision.
And I am proud of you for something else you did on another thread.- Calling the new person to share, rather than just give advice Have a wonderful day.
I have heard so many wonderful and not so wonderful experiences with EMDR. It is a hard call. When I decided not to persue it, my T did not care one way or another, so for me it was an easy decision to let it go. I think because most of my trauma was either blocked or never fully formed because I was so young, I have a hefty fear that I will get flooded with stuff that is worse than what I already know.
It is amazing how different peoples experiences are.
Best of everything in your decision.
And I am proud of you for something else you did on another thread.- Calling the new person to share, rather than just give advice
Have a wonderful day.
Thanks Mayo. I always want to give things the benefit of the doubt - but with my T at the moment the time feels so precious, I don't want to go too far into feeling disconnected with her, because there's not going to be time to repair (she is leaving the country permanently in four or five weeks). And the other thing that's affecting me is the sense that I can share all this stuff with her, but it will be lost, because she'll be gone. And the energy of those memories will be lost too.... I know that's weird; who wants the energy of trauma, right? But part of me always views that energy as a little bit precious for my creative work, and for the sake of remembering how things really were, and understanding myself. Not that I do. But I'm scared it will all dissolve, and there will be nothing in its place.
As for the new person - thanks. I don't want to make anyone unwelcome at all, and I don't have a right to speak for anyone else, but I also don't like the thought that this forum might be used under false pretenses. If you search for that person's name on google, you see a whole bunch of short impersonal posts on diverse forums, always accompanied by the web address of one or other company selling a product somehow related to the forum. Says a lot for the ethics of the companies, huh? I don't wish to offend anyone, but it makes me angry that a site professing to offer counselling, especially religious counselling, might pay someone to misrepresent themselves. The particular website linked to here also has a lot of material on anxiety etc that is presented as original 'articles' but is lifted straight from Wikipedia. Great, and they want US to pay THEM for counselling on moral/ethical issues.... Caveat emptor.
Sorry, off-topic I know - I'll shut up now.
I always want to give things the benefit of the doubt - but with my T at the moment the time feels so precious, I don't want to go too far into feeling disconnected with her, because there's not going to be time to repair (she is leaving the country permanently in four or five weeks). And the other thing that's affecting me is the sense that I can share all this stuff with her, but it will be lost, because she'll be gone. And the energy of those memories will be lost too.... I know that's weird; who wants the energy of trauma, right? But part of me always views that energy as a little bit precious for my creative work, and for the sake of remembering how things really were, and understanding myself. Not that I do. But I'm scared it will all dissolve, and there will be nothing in its place. As for the new person - thanks. I don't want to make anyone unwelcome at all, and I don't have a right to speak for anyone else, but I also don't like the thought that this forum might be used under false pretenses. If you search for that person's name on google, you see a whole bunch of short impersonal posts on diverse forums, always accompanied by the web address of one or other company selling a product somehow related to the forum. Says a lot for the ethics of the companies, huh? I don't wish to offend anyone, but it makes me angry that a site professing to offer counselling, especially religious counselling, might pay someone to misrepresent themselves. The particular website linked to here also has a lot of material on anxiety etc that is presented as original 'articles' but is lifted straight from Wikipedia. Great, and they want US to pay THEM for counselling on moral/ethical issues.... Caveat emptor.
Sorry, off-topic I know - I'll shut up now.
Hey BB, no, you didn't read too much in. I'm sort of caught between wanting to please her and really not having faith that this is the right thing for me to be doing. I want to do it and have it come out 'right' but I don't know how to. She laughed last week and said there was no right way but I still felt like I'd disappointed her, and myself. Next session is a non-emdr one though, so maybe we can unpick some of this stuff.
Hey BB, I forgot to say thanks for your thoughts on this. I had a great session on Monday, where I brought all my thoughts and feelings (well, most of them) about the EMDR to the table and we had a really cool talk about it. I thought she would be confused and think I was weird if I said exactly how I felt about it, but she really got it and stayed with me.
We talked about feeling like I wasn't doing it right, and I said the first time I felt like I was chasing memories, and the second time I decided not to do that but nothing came up. She said the first time WAS really intense and moving, and in the second session we were going back over the same material, so it made sense for it to not be as vivid.
I said I wasn't sure if I had already processed everything, just like that, and that's why nothing was coming up, or if it was a kind of dissociation thing. She let me sit with that for a while and we talked about what it would mean to have processed everything and let go of it.
I've found that I'm scared about losing connection with the vividness of my past through doing this thing. Since my second session nothing of my past feels real. It's a scary, unanchored feeling. My past is important to me and I hate the though that I might 'lose' memories. She says that doesn't happen, they just recede. I don't know, to me they feel like they are disintegrating. She suggested that maybe there was a bit of dissociation from it BECAUSE I'm scared of losing the connection.
We talked about my past as important for understanding myself, for fueling my creative work, and for holding on to a sense of personal history and reality - I feel like I memorised certain things, because I needed the record that things were a certain way. I didn't feel like any of my parents had a trustworthy record of reality, so I wanted to be SURE of what had happened.
I also fear that I kept these things, these tokens of events to justify myself, my failings and my sense of grievance. She didn't seem to buy this, but I'm not sure. We're going to talk on this stuff more next time, so I'll bring it up again.
She wants to do one more session of EMDR, but focused on the future, on how I'd like things to be. I didn't know you could do this - I'm excited!
We talked about feeling like I wasn't doing it right, and I said the first time I felt like I was chasing memories, and the second time I decided not to do that but nothing came up. She said the first time WAS really intense and moving, and in the second session we were going back over the same material, so it made sense for it to not be as vivid.
I said I wasn't sure if I had already processed everything, just like that, and that's why nothing was coming up, or if it was a kind of dissociation thing. She let me sit with that for a while and we talked about what it would mean to have processed everything and let go of it.
I've found that I'm scared about losing connection with the vividness of my past through doing this thing. Since my second session nothing of my past feels real. It's a scary, unanchored feeling. My past is important to me and I hate the though that I might 'lose' memories. She says that doesn't happen, they just recede. I don't know, to me they feel like they are disintegrating. She suggested that maybe there was a bit of dissociation from it BECAUSE I'm scared of losing the connection.
We talked about my past as important for understanding myself, for fueling my creative work, and for holding on to a sense of personal history and reality - I feel like I memorised certain things, because I needed the record that things were a certain way. I didn't feel like any of my parents had a trustworthy record of reality, so I wanted to be SURE of what had happened.
I also fear that I kept these things, these tokens of events to justify myself, my failings and my sense of grievance. She didn't seem to buy this, but I'm not sure. We're going to talk on this stuff more next time, so I'll bring it up again.
She wants to do one more session of EMDR, but focused on the future, on how I'd like things to be. I didn't know you could do this - I'm excited!
quote:She wants to do one more session of EMDR, but focused on the future, on how I'd like things to be. I didn't know you could do this
Hi Jones-
I didn't know this was possible either. Keep us posted, I would love to hear more of this aspect.
Be Well,
Mayo
Losing my connection of the vividness of my past is to me a welcome relief! I have no problem letting go. I hope Jones you will begin to feel this way, and it builds momentum for you. It is exciting stuff. My T and I start EMDR again next week. Cant say I'm excited, but I know I have to do something to lessen the burden of the past if I am going to survive the present and future. I have a list I sent to him written before he took his long vacation. I am trying to decide if I want to tackle one memory or go for several...guess I will decide in the moment.