It's been quite a long time since I've said much at any length here, so I'm here to give a bit of an update on what's going on here. There are a lot of lovely new people on here that I've never met before, so I may give a little background for some things.
Gosh, where do I start. I think the last times I was posting I was in the midst of a pretty bitter struggle after recovering some horrible memories and realizing that my father did some very bad things when I was little (CSA). I'm in a better place now, but it's not a place of acceptance, per se. I know I haven't really accepted it, because I don't trust myself or my memories. My T will use the 'words' about what happened, but I can't and still won't use any word for it except for the most benign ones (like.."that thing" or "what happened"). I had been making some fairly steady progress up until I learned all of this "stuff," and since then I feel almost aimless, like where do I start? I'm seeing more and more that even just small things I do and think and believe all stem from what he did and things that I used to do to keep from getting hurt. And those things feel so fundamental that it literally feels impossible to break those habits because the come from the most basic instincts.
I'm sure most of you can relate to how excited our Ts get when we recognize, feel, and/or express anger in therapy. I don't think my T is going to see much anger from me for a long time, because I learned a while ago that anger was often a precursor to things happening at home, especially if I was the cause or subject of it. I had one bout of spontaneous anger directed toward my father that completely overwhelmed me, but then right afterwards I felt completely triggered and ended up dissociating. I even started dissociating when I was recounting the experience to my T later. It's so unapproachable. I'm just scared that my T is going to be so fed up with me, because (at the moment) it seems like I will never be able to be angry at him because the consequences used to be so huge. And no matter how clearly I cognitively know that I'm not in the past, parts of me still are, and so it's still unfathomable.
Anyway, long story short, it's been slow-going. But my T has been wonderful and caring throughout this whole thing. She's endlessly patient with me and amazingly supportive. A while ago I asked something about why she cares or something like that, and she said that yes, she gets paid, but it's much more than a job for her. I knew that already, but it meant a lot to hear it. I've worried about that kind of thing for a long time, but I've never had the confidence to mention anything or ask anything about it. She has even welled up a few times which is unsettling but also extremely meaningful at the same time. It's mostly unsettling, because I feel horrible that I've done something to make her feel bad. But it's also a deeper way for me to know that she really cares, which is wonderful but scary.
A couple weeks ago, I was dissociating so severely that I literally could not safely drive for at least 3 days, and I don't remember a whole lot of the week. I'm excited about graduating, but the downside is that my father (and my mother) will be here, and so there's some dread and fear due to that. My T suspected that it was the upcoming event of having to be around my father that triggered the dissociation. I'm too afraid to take the step of breaking off contact, because I'm less concerned with how it is for me maintaining contact with him and more concerned about what the consequences will be for my mother. Although he can't do anything physically (he is 1000 miles away), he can be very, very brutal verbally and emotionally. Anyway, I wish that my graduation weren't tainted by this, but at this point it feels like the best choice, although my T completely disagrees.
On the positive side (as far as therapy goes), I have made a lot of progress when it comes to actually feeling emotions. I first went into therapy more than 3 years ago not even able to name any emotion I was feeling, if I was feeling anything at all. I'm still fairly emotionless throughout the day, but if I do feel something, I can almost always name the emotion and be able to trace where it's coming from (most of the time). I have more self-awareness..I know that I still have a lot of irrational thoughts (a whole bunch of them), and while I really haven't changed any of that yet, I am at least able to recognize it. I can now better recognize how I relate to others. Again, that's something that hasn't changed a whole lot - but at least I have more awareness.
I've been making a lot of major decisions lately, because I'm graduating from college (with a degree in Psychology) in May. I know I want to eventually get a higher degree, possibly a Ph.D (in clinical psych), but I also know that I just mentally and emotionally cannot handle that right now. I am also still partially dependent on my father, and so I really want to get a job so that I can support myself. I am still in contact with him, mainly as a formality to keep him "happy" so that I can still get some monthly support. My mother works for him (long distance), but has daily contact with him, so if I do anything to make him unhappy or angry, she bears the brunt of it. My T is unhappy (or at least disapproves) that I still maintain contact with him, no matter how uncomfortable it is for me, in order to protect my mother - although she also understands why.
There's not a whole lot that I can do with just a psych degree and no experience, so I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do right now. I'm staying in my college town, because I honestly love it and have created a new life here - and if I have to move back home it will feel like I'm just moving back into an old situation that I don't want to be in at all. I have my own apartment which is like a sanctuary to me - I was always so uncomfortable with roommates because it felt too uncontrollable. Making the decision of not immediately going to grad school has also been a big relief, because it also means I don't have to leave my T. I feel pathetic for it, but I feel as if that was a major factor in my decision of postponing graduate school. I won't even admit that to T, although she might know. But thinking of leaving T was causing me a ton of anxiety. What's odd about it to me is that I don't feel completely attached to her, really...but maybe I am. I must be if I was so afraid of leaving.
Well, sorry this is so long, I've certainly managed to ramble quite a lot. I feel like I should have better things to say or something, but for the most part I don't. But I'm ending a chapter of my life which is bittersweet, and I'm thankful to have my T through this, because I do feel that I've grown so much more than I ever would without this work on myself. And thank you to you all who have been here for me for so long. I'm sorry I haven't been able to offer more support lately, and I honestly don't know if I'm "back." But I'll try to visit a bit more often.
Thanks for reading (if you've made it this far!
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I have missed you, but understand with so much going on and also the inevitable triggers, it's hard to be around, but it's so good to have you update here whenever you get a chance!!!
I always think that I do things too slowly, that I'm too slow to catch on. It's something that's actually kind of plagued me in my school work, because when I get a test or paper back, I'll look at my mistakes and berate myself endlessly for getting anything wrong, thinking that I should have never gotten anything wrong. I'm trying to ease up on myself about that, but it's very slow going.
