Draggers,

Thank you for responding. I cannot set myself up to reach out to my therapist. I do not ever get the empathy or understanding I need from her and I need empathy and understanding right now. I am so frustrated and feeling so utterly alone with this emotional shit storm. I don't bother with T anymore. I will never get from her what I want and need. Sounds and feels like exactly what I got from my mother..... Nothing but pain, wishing I didn't exist and feeling devalued.

Thank you for reaching back Draggers.

and ALONE!

draggers,

I am currently in the process (emotionally and by seeking another professionals help tomorrow) of trying to break away from my T. The whole relationship with my T is oddly parallel to the relationship with my mother that I am in severe transference hell that my current T wishes not to deal with. I feel traumatized by them both. T traumatizes me by ignoring me, by not showing any warmth and not allowing me "connect" in a meaningful way. I have bonded to T. I bonded to mom because she was mom. But neither one of them allowed me to attach.
It is so horribly wrong to want the love of a mother, to want that connection and to feel like you would rather not exist without it, because the longing for it just has left a big empty hole that could never be filled anyway.

I am sorry, I know I verbally purged there, but the word just came flowing out.

gg... I think it's imperative that you get away from this T who gives you nothing. I see what is happening is that she is creating an enactment of what happened with your mother and the relationship (or lack thereof) that you had with your mom. I think you may have bonded so closely with this T because the similarity to your mother lit up certain areas of your brain and T felt "familiar" to you.

I am glad to hear that you are searching out other T's to see. I may even suggest that you seek a male T so that you don't have this same situation occur. Other than that I would definitely make sure any new T has a liberal outside contact policy and does not believe in depriving clients further. That does no good when you have suffered deprivation in childhood.

Lastly, what a horrible man to say such things to anyone. It is none of his business what happened between you and your mother and it was cruel and inhuman to attack you that way. I'm sorry you are so hurt.

TN

Hi TN. Yes I discovered that the transference I am experiencing is similar to trauma bonding that I have bonded to my current T because of the trauma. I can't take it anymore. I get what she is trying to do with me therapuetically but she doesn't possess the empathy that I need.

I am seeing a male psychologist tomorrow. I thought exactly the same thing about not going to a female. I need a break.

Draggers. I know my current Ts lack of availability is supposed to be teaching me to fill that hole on my own and that is partly why I stay with her. I know that NO ONE can fill the emptiness inside. If she were here for me it would be nice but I am not quite sure if in the long run it would matter. In the moment it would.

Draggers.
I have been at this since 1985. Eating disorder, bipolar, borderline, sexual trauma. Tired.