emotional stability and attachment

lieseMember

This is really long so I can't blame anyone for not sticking with it. Mostly it's helping me to write out the things that have been floating around in my head.

I have reached a point of relative emotional stability. It seems to depend upon how secure I feel with my T. I might get upset if I think he's mad at me. Or I might get upset if I think he's really not available to me. He says he is but the truth is, he's really busy. So, he is, but he's not, kind of thing.

At the end of August/beginning of September T and I had a 3 week disruption in our regular schedule. I saw him half as much as I usually do. During that time, I was so sick for 5 straight days that my doctor almost sent me to the emergency room. We brought my oldest to college for the first time. My youngest started kindergarten. And, once, again, our financial situation is dire and teetering on the verge of disaster. Lots of stress.

All I wanted to do over the 3 week period was to tell my T how sick I was or how hard everything was for me. I could have called my mother or told my H. But I only wanted to tell T.

I asked him at my session this past Monday if it would have been okay if I left him simple voicemails over the 3 week period. Simple voicemails just saying, "I am so sick" or "this is so hard". He said it would be fine. I asked him it would call me back and he said yes. I asked him if he would think I was becoming too needy or too dependent upon him and he said "no". I told him that I felt better about my desires when I thought about it in terms of "proximity seeking" behavior and he shook his head yes to my great relief.

Since we had this conversation on Monday, I have been feeling incredibly connected to him and grateful. Then I had the desire to call his voicemail and just leave a message for him, thanking him for just being so nice to me and telling him that I was feeling really good and really productive but also telling him that I didn't need a call back.

I held back for two reasons. The first reason is because I'd feel insecure after leaving the message - which would ruin the wonderful connection and good feeling I have now. I would worry about how he reacted my message until I see him on Thursday and could see him face to face. Part of me thought I should just do it to see what happens. He always says that he's not going to get mad at me. He'd never terminate me if I called too much. Maybe I just really need to discover that for myself? Maybe I just really need to get over my fear of reaching out when I feel good and want to share or feel bad and want to share?

Is it the fear itself that is so debilitating as opposed to not doing it because of the fear? Does that make sense?

The second reason I didn't call him is because I am questioning my motives. Is this part of the attachment? Or am I just trying to get closer and closer and closer in little tiny increments until I get (at least what a part of me is hoping I get) what I want from him? Or both? Are they both so tied up together that you can't really separate them?

I do know that my relationship with him stabilizes me. It feels like he grounds me and he is my mooring. When our connection gets disrupted (usually because I tell myself he's not available or he's mad at me) I feel lost and scared and like I am going to start looking elsewhere frantically for the intimacy and security that I experience with him. So, I know that my connection with him helps me A LOT.

Are these questions coming from a place of fear? As in, "if I get too close, he'll push me away?" and so I'd better have it all figured out ahead of time instead of just doing, just reaching out for what I want and taking that chance that he'll be annoyed (though probably not) ... because ultimately, there won't be that perfect person out there who will NEVER hurt my feelings when I am reaching out for support - even if it's unintentional. T tries really hard to not hurt my feelings and has been incredibly successful. But at what point will I be able to tolerate the thought that I might annoy him?

Ugggghhhhh, sorry, I could go on with my questions but I think I will stop here.

9/12/1210:44 AM

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heldincompassionMember

Hey Liese,

I had a few quick thoughts as I was reading this. It's all kind of off the top of my head and obviously I'm no expert on secure attachment, lol. But anyway.

I could greatly relate to the intensity of desire for contact only being outweighed by the fear of annoying T. I think what you said makes sense, that maybe it is the fear that is the debilitating part as opposed to the lack of contact that is it's result.

What do you think is behind the fear? Supposing you did annoy your T? What do you think would happen? How would you feel? What would it mean about you? About your relationship with T? (these are rhetorical questions, btw, I've found them useful to think about and thought I'd throw them out there but don't want you to feel pressured into answering unless you feel like it.

)

Do you remember the time I thought I had annoyed my T and it made me so miserable I cancelled my next session and stayed away for weeks until I fell into a mini-crisis?

I've mused a bit about that and I think it may have something to do with insecure attachment from my FOO resulting in the belief (or fear) that annoyance is indicative of the fundamental feelings an attachment figure has about the relationship, rather than merely being a transient expression of irritation. It's very painful to feel that and therefore incredibly dreadful for me to think I've annoyed anyone, but especially T because I feel I need so much from her.

I think that ideally I could know that I had annoyed her and feel nothing but mild regret and embarrassment that would fade after a day or so, because I'd know that annoyance does not define how she feels about me, that she "loves" me (substitute whatever love-equivalent word works for you), and that we'll be okay. To me, that is secure attachment. Maybe I'm getting there, I don't know.

Maybe the connection has to be tested, tested, and tested again for us to know it is strong and to be able to let go of some of that fear.

Just some thoughts.

Wishing you well,
--me

9/12/1211:17 AM

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lieseMember

((((HELD)))

You gave me a lot of things to think about.

quote:
the belief (or fear) that annoyance is indicative of the fundamental feelings an attachment figure has about the relationship, rather than merely being a transient expression of irritation.

I WISH that I could say that my mother's anger was only a transient expression of irritation. I'm not so sure though. It would be nice to think, though, differently about T.

quote:
I think that ideally I could know that I had annoyed her and feel nothing but mild regret and embarrassment that would fade after a day or so, because I'd know that annoyance does not define how she feels about me, that she "loves" me (substitute whatever love-equivalent word works for you), and that we'll be okay. To me, that is secure attachment.

That's a goal for me to work towards.

My T has been taking my feelings so seriously and really tending to my insecurities and nursing my wounds. It feels so nice to be nurtured in this way. I'm afraid he will stop.

9/12/124:23 PM

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unbrokenMember

Whoo Liese.

Wow. What stuck out from that email was your questions seem SO reflective about attachment and that secure stable feeling that a strong therapeutic bond should bring forth is definitely present within you.

First, your T is strong. He's steady and I like that.

I understand your hesitancy to reach out especially in regards to keeping those strong feelings between the two of you. I have a similar realization about my own therapy and how I try and try to get something from T to get that connection back or get more intense of a connection, and I end up being disappointed because it is never as strong as it was from those moments in session. I have been struggling with this for a very long time. Out of session contact is kind of an issue for me because of my feelings of needing to proximity search. My T is solid with out of session contact, too. She can convince me until she is blue in the face that it is okay... but I still have that fear you talk about.

The fear exists because I am scared to be too much...and then I am scared because if I don't contact her and I lose it, then she will be upset that I didn't contact her. Also, I have an irrational fear of all of this because ex-T made out of session contact a huge issue.

I, too, wonder about just jumping in and seeing how it goes. BUT, jumping in could mean that T could get annoyed and frustrated..and I want to be the "good client" right now. I am a little freaked out by stepping on toes.

My T grounds me too. I'm starting to realize that her session contact grounds me. There is too much that can be read into out of session contact (for me). I start analyzing words. I start analyzing punctuation. Things that were left out...a sound in her voice. Your message here made me start thinking a little bit more about what I am looking for, and I think this week I am going to test myself. I am going to try to NOT reach out and try to keep those "in session" warmsies(haha..is that even a word?) with me through the rest of the week...at least up until the very last moment, because premature contact ruins it all for me. LOL! "Premature Contact." I'm so immature sometimes..sorry.

I worry about the "if I get too close, she'll push me away." I hold back a little out of that fear, for sure. You are not alone at all in that.

I liked this quote too: "there won't be that perfect person out there who will NEVER hurt my feelings when I am reaching out for support - even if it's unintentional." Good reminder that our T's are human. Hard to remember sometimes for me...

These are all good questions that I think go through all of our heads from time to time. Thanks for writing it out. It's nice to see someone else processing what you are working out in your own mind, too.

Hugs to you, Liese.

I hope some of what I said made sense..

9/12/124:43 PM

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xoxoMember

Many children who formed insecure attachments while growing up develop
fear of rejection. Fear of rejection for being ourselves, having needs,
just doing what any and every child does-wanting to be accepted and loved.

These are sense of Self issues, rather than attachment issues.
But its through the attachment with your therapist that you will heal.
The inner child/true self is first closed off. The wall.
Then she becomes aware of herself (in an abstract way).
She will then take a peek. Assess the surroundings, the threats.
Sees a bit of safety but goes back in....happens over and over...
She starts to come out and stay there in longer intervals.
This is when the testing starts. Ambivalent about her sense of safety.

She eventually 'stays out' longer and longer. Now she can be her true Self
around her therapist most of the time. He accepts her. She begins to accept
herself. Now she is out all of the time with her therapist.
This development process replays outside of session. The assessing,
the peeking..the testing....the ambivalence...the accepting...

One day she finds that the world is relatively safe. And its okay if
people are rejecting sometimes. People have their own issues. Its probably
not even about you, but even if it is, thats ok too. Life is
just like that.

And her true Self is free. Free to be.
The self acceptance remains; the love is not diminished
from rejection by others. Intimacy is
no longer the exception...its a way of life.

This might not ring true to you, but these are my thoughts after reading your post.

9/12/126:53 PM

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unbrokenMember

XOXO,

That was brilliant. Wow. Thank you for writing that. WOW! I want to share that with my T if that's okay with you???

WOW!

9/12/126:59 PM

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xoxoMember

Of course, Unbroken..

This post made me see that this is what
is happening here. With everyone. This does
not mean my perception is how things are...this
is just how I feel it all unfolds. There
is no right or wrong...only perceptions here.

But I do think that hyperfocusing on
the attachment with the therapist (which I think
is absolutely beautiful, might I add),
sort of leaves people focusing on the trees...
Meanwhile, theres a spectacular forest out there
to explore. And know...when its safe.

The inner child isnt really the inner child.
Its our true Self. Innocent. Soulful.
Curious. Genuine. Accepting. Loving. Free-spirited.

The key, possibly, is to sort of 'unlearn'
who we are. Our personality. Our caregivers,
society taught us who we are. We didn't
know better but to become our experiences...

But we are not those experiences. Rewind time.
Its not regression; its freedom from oppression.
Oppression of the true Self.

The forest awaits us....the forest is "home".
But we cant see that until we look past the trees.

9/12/127:20 PM

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scars09Member

XOXO

Really amazing writing.

9/13/122:47 AM

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lieseMember

XOXO,

I agree. That was really beautiful. It helped me feel a bit less "bad" or "wrong" for having the feelings and desires I have. It would be lovely to be free, wouldn't it?

9/13/125:06 AM

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bltMember

I like what you wrote, xoxo.

In Internal Family Systems they talk about becoming Self-led. That is, our true Self becomes strong enough that we can live from it instead of from our defenses. That contact with the therapist's Self is only healing insofar as it facilitates the emergence of our own.

9/13/126:28 AM

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beccaMember

xoxo, that is awesome, wow. It really is the key, isn't it, but so very hard to do. I think the hardest part is remembering what all that felt like. We are told from an early age to "grow up." Thanks for the reminder.

9/13/126:36 AM

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lieseMember

(((BLT)))

I'd love to hear more about this:

quote:
That contact with the therapist's Self is only healing insofar as it facilitates the emergence of our own.

9/13/128:22 AM

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riverMember

I know this is an old thread but there are so many wonderful things in here that are resonating with me right now where I am at.

quote:
Maybe I just really need to get over my fear of reaching out when I feel good and want to share or feel bad and want to share

quote:
I understand your hesitancy to reach out especially in regards to keeping those strong feelings between the two of you. I have a similar realization about my own therapy and how I try and try to get something from T to get that connection back or get more intense of a connection, and I end up being disappointed because it is never as strong as it was from those moments in session. I have been struggling with this for a very long time. Out of session contact is kind of an issue for me because of my feelings of needing to proximity search. My T is solid with out of session contact, too. She can convince me until she is blue in the face that it is okay... but I still have that fear you talk about.

quote:
These are sense of Self issues, rather than attachment issues.
But its through the attachment with your therapist that you will heal.
The inner child/true self is first closed off. The wall.
Then she becomes aware of herself (in an abstract way).
She will then take a peek. Assess the surroundings, the threats.
Sees a bit of safety but goes back in....happens over and over...
She starts to come out and stay there in longer intervals.
This is when the testing starts. Ambivalent about her sense of safety.

quote:
It helped me feel a bit less "bad" or "wrong" for having the feelings and desires I have. It would be lovely to be free, wouldn't it?

quote:
In Internal Family Systems they talk about becoming Self-led. That is, our true Self becomes strong enough that we can live from it instead of from our defenses. That contact with the therapist's Self is only healing insofar as it facilitates the emergence of our own.

I am desperate to be free of T. To not need her, worry about losing her, thinking of her constantly. Of wanting something from her I can never have. But I am not ready to be free. I also do not want to be free. I want to get all I can from her while she is still with me. I want to always feel this safe, this understood, this ok.

It is all so powerful. I am so afraid that I have lost myself and will not be able to be able to live without her.

The posts in this thread have given me some slight hope. Thank you.

10/26/138:27 PM

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lieseMember

River

I've often felt the same way you do. I'm glad this thread gave you some hope.

10/27/138:16 PM

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