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11 replies

emotionless memories - quick update

room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Last night, I had a flashback moment and a memory from my childhood has been lingering ever since. I see my T tomorrow, and will tell her, but I didn't realize how much the memory had lodged in my consciousness until I went to bed last night and only got 4 hours of sleep.

I have been in that giddy-like state all day today. I had lunch and shopping with a friend, and was chatting away and having a great time, then I'd find myself wandering aimless, both in thought, and through the store we were in. At least she gets me, and wasn't really surprised when I went from the extreme chatter to silence and one word answers.

Anyway, I'm hoping I can put this out on the forum so I don't have to hold it until my session tomorrow. Just a warning, I will likely take it down after I "give" it to my T to hold, but I can't hold it alone anymore, and I don't want to leave this on her voicemail.

I suppose a trigger warning fits, too.

When I was younger (4 or 5?) I had a "friend" that I took dance with. My mom often pawned me off on her and her mom and little brother for dance class. Aside from the fact that I didn't enjoy the dance class at all, I also didn't like this "friend." She was adorable, and everyone always commented on her, but not me.

Anyway, the memory that has me a bit freaked... after dance class we often went to a restaurant near by - a fast food place where we could get a quick dinner and head home. This particular night my mom was not with us, and it was me, the friend, her mom, and little brother. We were walking from the car to the restaurant and I fell. A car ran over my hand. I remember getting up and crying - crying from pain, from fear, from embarrassment, from shame. I wanted my mommy and here I was with this woman I didn't know that well, her daughter that I didn't like, and her bratty little brother. I was a mess - I was embarrassed that my clothes were messy and torn, my hand was bloody and scraped. There were a lot more memories that flooded in with this one, but this is the one that I am stuck on.

And the part that sticks me the most? I have no emotion wrapped around this memory right now. I am worried that when I give it to my T, she'll be the one with the feelings and emotions. For me, it's just one more thing in my life that happened to me, and I tell as if it happened in a story.

It doesn't help that I just started a new med, and feel very spacey so far (it's only been a few days) and I'm sleep deprived. But I really wish I could leave this on her voicemail, so I don't have to bring it up in session tomorrow. I don't want to watch her process it.

I feel as far from normal as I've ever felt right now.
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ladygreyladygreyMember
R2G,

I often don't have emotions associate with memories. But my therapist is asking me to pay attention that what I feel in my body when I tell her about different things that happened in my childhood. I notice that although it doesn't seem that I have any emotions, once I start to pay attention to my body, I notice that I feel sick to my stomach, my lips and face feel numb, I don't breathe as deeply, and my chest starts to feel tight.

I'm wondering if you notice any physical symptoms when you think about this particular event that has come into you memory?
yakusokuyakusokuMember
I agree with both Jane and LG. You will probably start to connect to the dissociated feelings around it eventually. I had absolutely no feeling about my assaults. The closest thing I have ever had was maybe thoughts of shame for not speaking up. Then, POW, physical sensations, which I am learning to interpret as fear, disgust, pain, etc. I am starting to have this happen with some younger stuff too, stuff I don't remember clearly. Like, just thinking of a particular person or a particular location in my childhood home...I'm starting to "get" that a lot of bad happened there that either no one knew about or no one told me about, and maybe I will never know either. Anyway, that is neither here nor there. The point is, it's completely "normal" for people in our positions to dissociate trauma (whether putting the whole event out of our minds or just the feelings/meaning associated with it). I hope you are able to go easy on yourself exploring it. If it does "hit" you, we're all here for you. I know having you all here with me is one of the only ways I've been able to keep going through these feelings. That sounds like such a frightening experience!
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Thanks ladies...

I really hate this spacey feeling. It started within an hour of starting my new meds on Friday night, and has gotten progressively more spacey as time goes on. I hate adjusting to new meds.

Thanks Jane, for the reassurance that posting this here is ok. I have carried too much for too long, and am learning that I don't have to do that anymore - which is really odd!!

LG, I will for sure start paying attention to my body. Being so spacey the last 2 days, I know that things are feeling strange all over, all the time. Even right now here typing, my fingers are trembling, and they never do that.

Yaku, I'm really surprised at how well I'm handling this memory, and the rest that came along with it (though none as scary as this one.) I am fearful of what will happen when the emotions finally hit, though, and am soooo glad to have you all here!

I told my T last week that I have had no feelings lately, and I feel like a volcano waiting to erupt. I also said that I hope when I do erupt, I'm in her office! She laughed at it, but I know she gets what I mean. This is new territory for me ladies - this numbness and these memory moments. Scary $hit.

Something actually just came to me. It was my right hand that got run over. It was my right wrist that a family member broke. It was my right wrist that I broke a few years back. It is my right wrist that is in a brace 24/7 even today. Hmmmm Confused

I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight - 4 hours last night was not enough. I hope, too, that by posting, This memory doesn't haunt my dreams tonight... sweet dreams!
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
((((((Everybody))))))

Can't talk much now. I am so exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I barely made it home and made something to eat after my session and now I've got to go to bed. I can't think straight, and it's a miracle I made it home in one piece, that's how intense the session was. Good, lots to process, but very, very intense. So glad I have an extra session this week, I need it.

More later and hugs to all of you, I felt your thoughts and hugs all afternoon.... thank you....
S sadlyMember
((((R2G))))
what a tough time - and how exhausted you sound. I hope you get some sleep tonight and I am stunned by how much work you are doing at the moment, - tackling no feelings versus feelings in memories is a huge thing and I can FEEL you are chipping away at it deep inside WHILST adjusting to new meds. Wow, a lot to process. Just cut yourself a bit of slack right now if you can. Sleep, rest, recuperate, be kind to you. I admire your determination and tenacity.
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Thanks Sadly, and ((((to you)))) too.

It's been a very difficult week - the meds are settling down a little bit, but the memories are finally flooding me and the emotions are out of control. It's been really, really sucky. But it has to get this way before I am willing to start climbing out of the hole, right? Have to face this shit so I can move past it, right? I hope?!

Thanks for the note - I know you're journeying through your own stuff in India right now, and I appreciate the thought (((Hugs)))
yakusokuyakusokuMember
That's what my H keeps telling me. "Sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better." Sometimes, after months of hearing that repeated, I want to punch him in the nose...just a little bit.

Seriously, though, has avoiding this stuff ever brought healing? I think facing it is the only way through. Luckily, we don't have to do it alone. We have our Ts and each other! ((((((R2G))))))) So glad you found this place and that you have a good T by your side.

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