Sometimes if these are very young feeilngs, there won't be much cognitive to go with, just keep talking about the feelings and giving them narrative is enought.

I have this all the time, MH. Most of the time I'm all nicely repressed, and then it just hits me out of nowhere and I often have no clear sense of what the heck I'm crying so hard about. I often wake up like this. For me it seems to be that when my body somehow relaxes, one way or other, it lets some kind of unnamed grief start to pour out. Thoughts of my T are usually the trigger, but sometimes thoughts of my SD, or of my sister whom I used to be close with, but who has recently rejected me beyond having the occasional "small talk" relationship- do it to. She was my AF grwoing up, so that one is hard. Anything associated with loss and/or feeling messed up and not good enough/abandoned. Or it sometimes just comes out of nowhere. Oh the other thing, is that even though it is immensely painful, it also "feels good" somehow while it is happening? Like at least it's not just sitting int here- something.. Even though I don't usually experience any relief afterwards, in fact I have hard times stopping the tears once they are allowed to start. Does any of this resonate with you?

Hi MH,

Considering how numb I normally am, a lot of the emotions I do experience are like this. I'll get completely overwhelmed by something and have no idea what the trigger was. For a while in therapy now I've had this feeling of fear come out of nowhere, and it only (except for a few times) shows up in session. It was weeks before there was anything like an image I could connect it to. It was so frustrating because I had no clue why I was feeling so scared.

I've been assaulted by a feeling of grief before, although I kind of knew what the trigger was. The thing is, that trigger really shouldn't have caused such a big emotional reaction in me, and as I was feeling it, I could tell that the feeling stemmed from somewhere else. That was also frustrating, not knowing where the grief was from, but it also felt good to feel something so intensely and with a clear thought as to what the feeling was considering how much I normally don't feel.

Anyway, bottom line is I definitely relate to what you experienced. And it is frustrating beyond belief sometimes but it's still good that you're experiencing these emotions as it's obvious it's something that you really needed to feel. ((((hugs))))

Thanks, everyone. It helps to know this is not an uncommon experience, and that it might actually serve a useful purpose.

DF - What you described with the mismatched socks made sense to me. That's a good analogy. So is this type of experience what you would call "somatic" then? I felt a little bit of relief, but not entirely. Probably because I fought it down instead of letting it run its course. I wasn't really compassionate with myself about it, like you suggested might be the more important thing to focus on doing.

Freuds fly - I hadn't considered the possibility
that the feelings might come from a very young age. It makes sense to me though, that if as a very young child who was not even fully talking and early in cognitive development, if I was not allowed to have feelings over traumatic events (which, in general, I know this happened) that the feelings which were held might come out later without making much cognitive sense now either, right?

BB - yeah, it happened just like you wrote about, hitting me out of nowhere. It is interesting that you notice it happening after your body relaxes. It sounds like it is because normal defenses are also relaxed. I do know that the times when I feel very young and childish in a vulnerable way often happen in the morning when I first wake up. And perhaps I am starting to relax enough thru T to allow some emotions to surface which I've unconsciously suppressed until now. I just wish they made sense. I hate that I can't force it and just get it all out and over with at once.

Kashley - I am curious about your statement that it was weeks before there was anything like an image to connect an emotion to. Does that mean that eventually something cognitive did come to you? That it eventually made sense? It is good to be told that it is okay, what is happening, and that these feelings are something I really needed to feel and actually might indicate progress. Thanks for the hugs.

Hi MH,

It's still an ongoing process, but it seems like there is now a possible explanation for the fear. But I'm only discovering this stuff in little bits and pieces and it has taken months (and I wondered for a long time if I was just making it up since it had no meaning for a while). My T tried to help me get in touch with the part that felt the fear and figure out why she's scared. For me it is a feeling from a pretty young age. And sometimes I will just feel fear still and not have an image connected to it, but I think a big part of that is whether or not I'm willing to experience the feeling, you know?

DF's advice about compassion is also important. I'm really horrible at being compassionate to myself, but I do think it is also a huge part of finding some answers. I think that maybe I started to have a little compassion when I let in the possibility that the fear (and/or images) was real.

I also just wanted to go back to Freud's mentioning that the feeling might be from a young age. When we are young we are still learning to regulate our emotions, so it makes sense that you may first be inundated with feeling but not have any visual or verbal explanations for it (even if the feeling is from an age where you could speak). Emotions can be (and often are) intense when you are little.

Anyway, I hope that helps a bit. ((hugs))

Well, I just got back from a session. I talked to my T about this and she had some opinions about it which I'm still digesting. She asked what you guys thought, since I told her I posted about it here. She agreed with the comments about showing compassion to myself, and that it was real and came from somewhere. She said the body is in a constant state of healing, and that its always good to let oneself feel. She didn't believe there was an absence of cognition, but just a division in my mind separating the two.

I'm just going to try to relax about it and go with it when it happens again. Kashley, from what you wrote it sounds like it might be a long process, but even longer if you fight it.