Nothing to offer but my sympathy as I am going through a similar shame spiral right now.

Must have been something in the air today, cause today with T was so freaking hard and I got home and just cried for what felt like hours. I did call T and leave a message, which left me feeling even worse.

So, while knowing you're not alone isn't always helpful.... it's the best I can do right now.
(((Cat)))

No advice, but you're not alone. Shame excavation has been a major feature of my therapy (and general relationship) work lately. Go gently. I know it can be hard to know where to tread, when anything might be a trigger for more shame and/or anxiety. (((hugs))) I'm sure that your T feels no shame toward you and if you did reach out just to say how things are going, she'd be happy you were taking care of you in that way.

to all stuck in this horrible space. I'm there too. But because I'm not coping while T is on vacation and I think I should be able to and the world tells me I should be able to and I can't and its all freaking pointless, I may as well give up right now because I can't do it!!

I understand the shame.
I am getting anxious and impatient with T because she has not had the baby yet. It is now 3 days late. I am just thinking of myself. What about her. It is very hot here at the moment, she is uncomfortable and tired. yesterdday when she replied to my e-mail, she apologised for not having good news for me yet!
She also said for the 3rd time that she will not forget me and will let me know imediatly, as if she needs to be thinking of me right now.
She is so nice to me and I am so impatient!

I'm not sure where I am at right now.

I know I feel shame, but don't really have words. Almost all of my communication recently (to myself) has been wordless, emotionless and just in pictures. There are a deep well of words and emotions... but they won't come out, not even to me. Really all I can do to process in therapy right now is work with visualizations. I'm very visual but I'm used to explaining, interpreting, and understanding those visuals through words. So I can only work literally with the base material, but also cannot work with it because I do not understand it.

One of my visuals I see myself in a place I was trapped, and am also trapped from processing. I can have my T "around" in some of the visuals when we attempt to process, but basically I'm also trapped because I have nothing to say and everything to say but no idea what it is or how. Anyway... thanks for nothing, inner child.




Thank you for being with me, even though I know it's a rotten place. ((R2G)) ((Non)) ((GE)) ((Starlight))

R2G, I'm sorry leaving a message for your T made things worse Sometimes it's a crapshoot for me too I'm not sure what will trigger more.

Non, Shame is super hard to deal with and a big thing in my therapy, too. Gently is about the only way to go... I have no clue what T feels toward me... but I know I have a lot of anxious thoughts. With shame it fogs the mirror so much sometimes.

GE, Sorry you are on the shame wagon too. Bleh. What the world says sometimes is just us repeating to ourselves a message that wasn't true. I hope you can find something to help you through... you can do it!

Starlight, Ahh! That would drive me bananas, I can understand your impatience (I'm impatient, too). I'm glad she is being attentive to you though, she has room for you... my T tries to explain that she takes care of herself, and part of that is knowing when she is capable of contacting me/thinking of me or not. Same with your T!