Hi AG

**This note was scanned for harsh material prior to sending** I'm just messin' with ya .. don't hurt me! LOL

quote:

"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." -Anonymous

I think that your signature quote tells all. You'll know when it's the end and when you are ready to say goodbye to your T for the last time. Gradually spacing your sessions out over longer periods will sure give you an idea of whether or not you're ready. It's really great that he (your T) recognizes that this might be difficult for you, and is willing to keep you on as long as you feel it's necessary. I have this nasty feeling my P would just up and tell me one day "We're done here, you should be able to figure the rest out on your own!", and that would be it. Just the thought of an end makes me feel like I want to vomit, so I can totally see how you must be feeling knowing that you are coming to the end.

You sound like an incredibly strong woman (assumed by how you present yourself in your posts ), and it seems that you have a great support group between your husband and your friend. You aren't pathetic, you just need to give yourself more credit, and concentrate on all of the wonderful progress you've made .. then maybe taking a step away from therapy won't be so hard to imagine.

Be well!

Holly

I can really relate to what you are feeling. My T and I started the process of ending therapy, and then I guess something in me said "no way, you're not done yet" because I got steadily worse until I'm back to 2x a week.

When I start panicking about the end of therapy (which is quite often) I try to think of it like a burrito. There is a burrito that I often get for lunch which I really like. It's big, so I can never eat it all.

When I start eating the burrito, I'm really hungry and I never want to finish the burrito. I'm actually worrying about the fact that I will eventually become full or run out of burrito.

Once I get about 2/3 of the way through the burrito, I become full, and I no longer crave it. It feels ok to stop eating the burrito.

I imagine (hope?) that the end of therapy will be kind of like that.

Give yourself time to get used to the idea. Eventually the idea won't feel so new and scary. As your T reassured you, he's not going to just kick you out!

-Heather
(I hope my burrito analogy isn't too weird...)

LOL Z

I love the burrito analogy! Welcome to the forum

Holly

Hi AG,

I think i am in the same boat! I made a lot of progress, even my T sees I am a different person, so we've spaced out sessions. I am conscious of the fact this has started to cause me a bit of anxiety too, and am constantly reminding myself not to do anything stupid to "prove" i need her again. She is more proud of me doing well than of having to drag me back out of self harm or depression again.

She will never ask me to leave, sometimes I feel like she likes seeing me almost as much as I like seeing her. So what to do? I switched back to every 3 weeks rather than every month. 3 weeks is easier for me to deal with, otherwise too much happens and when i get in there to talk i just dont know where to start. It's like one of those friends you haven't seen for years, then when you see each other there's nothing to talk about because it's just been too long. But you can talk to your best mate about what you had for breakfast, you know. I don't want it to end up like that with my T. Seeing her keeps me calm, and i like knowing i can see her as often as i like/need to.

I'm glad your T isn't rushing the "closing off" process either. That's just an easy way to bring up abandonment issues. So keep talking to him if it worries you, even write him notes between sessions to take when you do see him. And if you need to go back to more frequent sessions, do it. He is there to help you, so it's ok to put your emotional needs first over trying to be independent and strong.

I am so glad things have improved with your husband too! That is so fantastic! Good luck with everything,

LTF

Well, I don't think I can top the burrito analogy! That's a great way of looking at it, Z!

AG - I can understand your fear and panic about therapy ending. I got that way just last week when my T has told me how much progress I've made, you'd think it would make me feel better but I just became afraid that I wouldn't be able to go to therapy anymore.

You've been with your T for a long time, and have an amazing relationship with him. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting it to end.

AG, I believe that your progress is real and that you are more than capable of functioning without therapy. When you post here you have so much knowledge, understanding and hope. This can only come from a person who has been there and has come out of it. And, you know your T won't drop you before you're really ready.

OW

HB,
Thank you for reminding me of what I believed (I should probably read my signature occasionally. ) I really appreciate the support, and your vote of confidence. And don't worry, the worst weapon at my disposal is the HTML slapper.

Hi Z,
Welcome to the forums! And I love the burrito analogy. Although I have this horrible suspicion that at my next session, I'm going to end up imagining my T wrapped in a large tortilla.

LTF,
I definitely understand the anxiety. One of the reasons I was actually able to make progress was because early on my T told me a number of times that I would never be sent away, that I was welcome to come as long as I wanted to, I would always be welcome. I talked to him later about remembering conversations I had with my daughters when they were little and told me they would never want to live anywhere but with me. I told them, and meant it, that they could live with me as long as they wanted to. And that I knew it was ok to say that because the day would come when they would want to go. Then I told my T that I realized that was the conversation we had had. And then he very gently pointed out that the key word was "wanted" to go. I think it was when I realized that getting well didn't mean I had to go, that I really started getting better. That's the weird thing about this situation. The only pressure to leave is only coming from myself.

OW,
Thank you. and you nailed it. I really don't want the relationship to end. I've finally worked through all the fear about actually being ok with my feelings about my T, that it really is safe to allow myself this intimate a relationship, and to understand where all my fears of closeness were coming from. Now that I've worked through that, I just want to stay and enjoy the safety and the attunement. But I think on some level I'm just really worried that I'll never be ready to leave.

I've read before about how important termination can be, that often leaving brings up new issues that need to be dealt with, but I wasn't really expecting it to happen. But the intensity of my reaction is letting me know I'm hitting something important. When I get this triggered it's usually the buried past rearing its ugly head. I am grateful that although I was off the charts, my T was so calm and accepting. I have a feeling that he knows me so well that he was pretty much expecting that call last night.

I know that its all going to be ok it's just living with that feeling of imminent panic. But I actually called my T this morning and did something I've never done before. I asked him if I could borrow a blanket he keeps in his office (that has been symbolically important to me in a couple of our pivotal sessions) so that I had something physical to hang onto it. He was really gracious about it and I ran down to his office and picked it up this morning and I'm sitting wrapped in it while I'm typing. I feel a little silly, but it's really helping. Although my whole family is now calling me Linus.

Thank you all, I really do appreciate all the understanding and support!

AG

I wonder why humans are the only animals that never actually outgrow their need for their parents or other attachment figure? Seems to go against the idea of "survival of the fittest" somehow....

Don't worry AG - you have worked so incredibly hard to get this relationship to where it is and it has helped you so incredibly much! Of course your scared to say goodbye. I don't think humans are meant to "detach" like we are meant to "attach" to others.

AG -- You are so capable! I don't know you outside these boards, but I've consistently found your replies and topics to be incredibly supportive and accurate. I've enjoyed reading everything you've written on these boards because you so sound so healed. I think that, whenever you choose to end your relationship with your T, it will be due to your recognition of two facts -- 1) that you've internalized your T's presence, and 2) you've felt the greatness of your own strength, which is enormous.

Selfish request: No matter your decision, keep posting. We all benefit from your words of wisdom.

quote:

Now that I've worked through that, I just want to stay and enjoy the safety and the attunement.

AG,

I think the prospect of losing that intimacy would make me feel horrible too. I won't be capable at this point of being this close to somebody in 'real life' and I'd dread feeling lonely again. But I know it must be possible because otherwise nobody would have thought about setting a situation like therapy up in the first place. So it will work out right!

SB

AG

I appreciate all that you share. Sometimes it makes me laugh other times it makes me cry but I always find hope. I love the image of you wrapped up like a tortilla in the blanket you borrowed from your therapist. What a great way to nurture yourself. I hope to find the courage to share with you and the others about my experiences in therapy. But, like most of us coming for the first time, it is hard to know where to start. I look forward to all I will learn here.

Thank you all for the support, it really helps to be able to deal with this.

This has proven to be a tough week and I've been working through a lot and doing a lot of grieving but last night I had a bit of breakthrough. Which built on the one I had Wednesday night. Did I mention it was a tough week?

Wednesday evening I got hit with a lot of intense emotions and grief after everyone else in my family had gone to bed. I sat there, wrapped in the blanket from my Ts office and cried for over an hour and just let the feelings come. In our last session, he had talked about a song from Man of La Mancha where Aldonza told Don Quixote that he was the cruelest of all because he had called her a lady; that blows and abuse she could handle, but not tenderness. He told me this in response to my saying that pain I could handle, it was the good stuff I didn't know what to do with. It really resonated with me during the session when he said it and stayed with me. As I was laying there crying and thinking about leaving, I kept returning to the fact (pointed out to me by the friend who got me through my initial meltdown) that I was the ONLY one putting pressure on me to leave therapy. Then it hit me, I'm not terrified of leaving (well, ok, yes I am, but it's not the only thing I'm feeling), I'm terrified of staying. It's been a while since it kicked in, but everytime I go significantly deeper and closer to my T, that fear of getting too close and being hurt again rises up and I realized that I was putting so much pressure on myself to go because part of me was looking for a reason to flee.

I was journaling in an effort to sort through things last night, and then read a really good article on Trauma and how we tend to repeat it. That studies have shown that traumatized animals will actually make a choice to go to a place that is more painful if it is also the more familiar of two choices. I went to sleep and woke up at two in the morning and it hit me.

I have NEVER in my life been this close to someone, so defenseless and so open without my boundaries being violated. To be so close and still have my boundaries intact is, counterintuitively I must admit, profoundly uncomfortable. I'm trying to go to a place that is more familiar, which either means moving far away from the relationship or violating the boundaries with my T, because either of those situations would be familiar and hence more comfortable. The erotic pull has been incredibly strong lately (it tends to come and go) and now I know why.

Another thing the article talked about was that victims of long term trauma often have trouble "tolerating positive affect." I am realizing that it's true about me. To be this close, but still remain a whole person with intact boundaries, is leaving me with an incredible sense of vulnerability. All my defenses are down. Acknowledging that makes me realize that it feels like I'm doing something incredibly stupid because I know how this has turned out in the past while simultaneously knowing that on an unconscious level I have been desparately trying to push my T into a re-enactment with me. But he refuses to either do something that would give me an excuse to leave (this man has made a high art of non-defensiveness, seriously) nor will he cross any boundaries. I am again in a place where I understand that my T's strength and his gift to me is his ability to stand still, and hold firm while allowing me to express everything I feel. And he refuses to be anything but himself and to do what he believes is right. Which is teaching me how to do that also.

And then I realized that I'm really NOT ready to leave therapy. Even though it's really uncomfortable and scares me to death, I need to stay close and experience that it's safe. I need to learn to tolerate and regulate "good" emotions like closeness, and feeling safe and cared for as well as I have learned to handle my fear and anger. And once again I find myself grateful for those boundaries I love to hate.

Thank you all for giving me some place to be able to talk about this and be met with support and understanding; it's a big part of what let me work through this.

Yippee! I get to stay a while longer.

AG

Hi Deeplyrooted,
Welcome to the forums! Thank you so much for what you said about my posts. I know it's scary the first time you post but you'll never find a more accepting group of people. But post when you're ready because it's important that you feel safe when you decide to speak. I'm looking forward to getting to know you!

AG

Hi DR

quote:

AG said: I know it's scary the first time you post but you'll never find a more accepting group of people. But post when you're ready because it's important that you feel safe when you decide to speak.

I just wanted to pop in here to say HI and welcome! AG is right Everyone here is accepting and pretty cool .. just watch out for that HOLLYBABY person, she's evil! Oh poop, that's me, disregard that last couple of words and replace with... she's cool too! LMAO

I'm such a smart a__ Seriously .. Welcome and I look forward to hearing more about you when you feel up to it

Be well!

Holly

HB,
Keep picking on yourself and I'll be forced to get out the HTML slapper!

AG

AG be careful .. I might call you on that!

Holly

Holly,
You'll blow my cover!

The secret of the HTML slapper is that it's only threatened but never used!

AG

WHAT!

Argh, and I was SO looking forward to challenging you to BRING IT ON!

Holly

AG,

Glad to see that you and your T's blanket worked through what was going on for you. My T let me take a monkey home from her office when my mom died. It's so used and worn looking now, she told me that it's mine to keep.

My T always tells me that I'll know when it's time to work toward termination. I think that if you're feeling so concerned about it, that it's not time.

catgirl

Blankets, Monkeys ...

I have to get me one of those T's .. hugs, physical contact, tokens from the office GOOD GOLLY I'm jealous! I asked to borrow a book from my P once, and all she could muster up to give me was the evil eye!

Holly

AG... thank you so much for that long post. It is always amazing to me how you can zero in and identify the painful issues and relate them back to other feelings. The way you articulate all of this is very helpful to me also and gives me much to ponder in my own therapy. Of course I acknowledge all the pain and anguish you must first get through in order to do all of this. I think you are incredibly brave and an inspiration and I'm so glad that you chose to share your journey with all of us.

THANK YOU and a BIG HUG

TN

Catgirl,
You tempt me to go drag that blanket around outside for a while so maybe my T will offer to let me keep it! Thanks!

Holly,
If it will make you feel better my T has a strict no hug policy (although he does shake my hand at the end of the session). It sounds like your P is psychoanalictally trained and then tend to lean more towards a "blank screen" approach. It would drive me nuts, too!

TN,
((((((TN)))))))) Thank you!

AG

HI Linus .. I mean AG

quote:

AG says: It would drive me nuts, too!

Did you just insinuate that I'm NUTS!!!!! ????? Cuz you could be in for a mouthful there girl!

tsk tsk tsk

Did this need a disclaimer attached? LOL I hope not Hmmm, incase you didn't get it ... Linus is the kid that drags his blankie around with him in Charlie Brown.

Keep SMILING!!


Holly