Sounds hard for you fuzzball.

maybe worth finding out if you can agree how to end sessions - so both tue and fri finish in a good way? 'see ya' is a bit casual after opening your soul... that would really get to me.

My T is rubbish at session endings in general - and has a no-contact rule, so I can't really advise. But I can understand how difficult this is.

sb

do ask the t if you can - maybe tell him by email?

Draggers, My T sees it as my job to make myself become ok after sessions. She fully acknowledges I leave dissociated most of the time and says I should go to a cafe and put myself back together again. The difficulty being that if I feel small I am too frightened to be out and near people and end up running to my car (and driving like that isn't great). T knows this...

sorry - thread hi-jack.

Hope things improve fuzzball

(((FUZZBALL)))

Just wanted to say I totally understand how hard it is to leave and why you would feel worse on Fridays with the sessions ending the way they do. It happened to me in therapy as well. It helped me a lot to acknowledge how hard it was to leave him. I also talked to him about how hard it was and we made little adjustments that went a long way.

Hang in there,

((((SB))))

Quick hijack to send hugs. It sounds awful. I'd have a hard time too.

(((FB))) Your T saying "is there anything else" at the end of your session does seem kinda distant, but I'm sure your T has no clue that affects you poorly. Talk to your T about it in the most comfortable way for yourself. Getting a hug goodbye sounds really warm and caring, so I'm glad you get a hug now and then. Great that you also get outside contact. I don't get hugs, and I get no outside contact, but would be nice occasionally when really needed, so I'm glad for you. My T walks me to the door that leads to the waiting room and puts his hand on my right shoulder, and says "see you next time". Its the same routine every time,and that's just what it is,(a routine) so I don't have expectations for anything different.But would be nice if it were different sometimes, because being the same thing every time it seems more methodical or taught, instead of genuine affection. Hope your able to speak with T and get some positive results.

Thanks for all the replies!
sb-you are correct it is hard when you open up and he is sending me off so casually, like his life is so perfect so should mine? (didn't even think you hi-jacked! ) It will I hope improve.
Draggers-that must be hard to be told when you can email, I email too much esp when things are out of control at home and I use it to vent and release my frustrations. I'm working on it! I totally understand payment and how it doesn't make the "care" feel real...would you like me as a person if we met under different circumstances or I often wonder or tell him you have to be nice otherwise you wouldn't have a job? Word would get around and no one would see you if you weren't nice? I know I feel like a burden that's a big issue right now, since I'm struggling with other things and he does contact me occasionally through email on the weekends, not often but will, but I can't just call him like you said. He does say see ya while sitting or when we go to stand. I've repeatedly asked him if we could end sessions differently on fridays, but it really hasn't happened. I just need to feel the connection over the weekend I guess? I'll try to ask for what I'm needing again. I just don't know what I need to help me get through? Thanks for the kudos on my name!
Liese-thanks! I'm hoping we will talk about it tomorrow and figure something out. Try different ways and make adjustments. I know he would work on things for me, but I hate to be a burden or ask for what I want. Wish he just would know what I'm needing!
Eme- Yes it does feel like hello why do you think I'm here? Some days I feel like ok this session was hard he's going to give me supportive words and a nice hug..like Tues. session I was so cold and distant from him with the after effect of Friday's see ya after a heard session. That we talked how I thought I was such a burden and should quit and how I think he doesn't like me, you know the regular stuff!, and he said he cares about me and is concerned about me and likes me. That if he didn't want to help me or think he could he would feel obligated to refer me...and he's not going to do that. He's sticking with me. So I thought for sure he would have given me a hug....not a see ya....

He really is a great T, we just have a few things that floors me that he does. Seems so caring one moment and then uncaring the next. He emailed me on Sunday, I guess because he didn't hear from me on Sat. and asked how I was hanging in...I said horribly, then sent him a new email saying thank you for checking on me...and he sent me a wink back....he does care I know, just wish he was consistent. One time he even called me on a Mon. night at 10pm after receiving an email I sent, my blood sugar was low and I was panicking...he can do so much to show he really cares.
I see him tomorrow and I hope we can figure out a way I leave feeling secure over the weekends....I hope I can tell him I like receiving a hug and encouragement.

Thanks!

And also sometimes you think your T will respond or check up on you with something but doesn't, then I start thinking I guess he really doesn't care...just a vicious cycle I put myself through.

My T usually ends sessions by saying, "We need to end here." As we're wrapping up, he'll ask me how I feel and make sure I'm ok. Then he checks the book for my next appointment, takes my payment (yes, I pay after every session), and walks me to the front door and opens the door for me. It's all very friendly and gentle. No physical contact of any kind for me, though, for...uh...complex transference reasons. And he has a very limited outside contact policy. It was hard to accept at first, but we've talked through it and I'm handling it better.

Paying for sessions rattled me at first, especially when I went from full 100% insurance coverage to self-pay. The thought of actually handing him my bank card at the end of session made me want to scream. But...I did some reading and came to a new perspective on the matter. What you really pay for is their time. The care, connection and relationship is free. They don't have to love us, but they do. And I'm so grateful for what my T is doing for me that I no longer mind paying. It's really just a formality at this point.

I hope this helps.

(((fuzzball))) We haven't met - so hello and welcome.

I also see T twice a week - Tuesday and Thursday. I like having the session close together, because it helps me stay connected. But the long weekend is hard to handle. (When I win the lottery, I'm gonna see T three days a week! And pay full price. And give her a big fat bonus at the end of the year. She earns it! )

I, too, find myself contacting T either later on Thursday or on Friday. It's a pattern I've been meaning to talk about with T.

I generally pay before T even sits down. I just lay my check on the little table where she has her schedule book. She always says thank-you. I like getting it over at the start of the session. It sort of feels like getting the distasteful part done first so we can get on to important things.

At the end of the session T generally says, "We need to stop now. Are you okay?" And I generally say that I am. Or that I am pretty much. One time, I think I said no, but I don't remember what she said. That's something else I want to talk about with T. What if the answer is no and we're at the end of the session? What then?

The question I hate to hear at the start of the session is "How are you?" I've written about that here.

My T once made the mistake of starting session by asking me, "what's up?" My response: "The sky." And then he asked me how I felt, and I said, "With my hands."

How about seeing the payment you make at the end of your session not as for what you've just recieved but for time you'll recieve next session. This way you'll have a continued connection through the fallow days....and to prove your T cares you just had a freebie! Works for me.

This temporary T I'm seeing on the weekend every 2-3 weeks… starts sessions with "Is there anything you'd like to address? Anything new or something from last week?"

And then at the end of session "Well, Cat, this is all the time we have today, I've got to let you go."

I'm not sure if that is just her style or because I've asked for very situation specific help. She seems like she would be a wonderful T for relational therapy, but… I've got T1 for that. I think I may see her one or two more times.

Hi there...My T usually, before we end, will ask me if I'm okay to drive, but this is usually after we have done our steps of the EMDR process, with coming down and safe place. If I am dissociating, he will tell me to feel free to sit in the waiting room and drink some water--which is never going to happen because I usually will strive to get out of there as quickly as possible!

quote:

And then at the end of session "Well, Cat, this is all the time we have today, I've got to let you go."

Cat, I think this is wonderful! I'm struggling AGAIN with the end of sessions and how my T words it and ends it without giving me transition time. He will say "we have to end here" or "we have to stop now". Both end and stop trigger me. End means.... well THE END to me and the word "stop" feels like I've done something wrong. As if I have to be told to STOP something because I just keeping going...

I know we have to talk about this today. It's had me in a funk all week.

Thanks
TN

TN - does your T have any flow at all? T1 said something similar to this temporary T lady at the beginning now it's sorta like T starts Titrating or we'll do something we normally end with. It's maybe 2-5 minutes (she's strict about cut off time yet). I just wondered now if she does this because of my stuff or is it her style?? You'd LOVE t2... If we aren't doing somatic work.. She literally just pops out of her chair and goes to get one of her little quote things she gives at the end of session and we are done... It's the most awkward thing ever. I'm wondering of she wants to give 'the whole time' but just... Being done all of a sudden is awful When we do somatic work she offers I can stay in the room for a bit til I feel oriented - it's by myself but still cozy. I'm sorry T says stop or end... I'd take it the same way you're describing.

TN, my T says the same thing sometimes and it just pisses me off. I am more aware of the clock than she will ever be. I never run over at the end because I am very aware that she most likely has another appointment and if that person is anything like me, they hate waiting when it is actually their time. T can be consistently late by 5 minutes with people running over. I HATE it.

Hi Monte... I hate to hijack fuzzball's thread but I had a really good session today with T to address the session endings.

We do have a routine but it's not a consistent routine. So there are times it goes really bad. Other times, I am fine. I told T as soon as I walked in... we just cannot end anymore like we did on Monday. He was very attentive and totally non-defensive about it all. He asked me a lot of questions about how it feels for me, what I feel afterwards, why do I think this happens and what triggers it. I told him that I'm struggling with having to transition so quickly from deep work to ... gotta go now!

He thought for a moment and said it's probably his fault because he has a certain amount of work he wants to accomplish with me in a session and he will work me to the last minute at times. So he admitted it may be better to not finish than to send me backwards and having me losing my connection to him.

He then listened to a lot of what I described to him and he said that he does not think it's so much how quickly we end but that the child is not having her needs met and she gets angry at the end of session if she is not heard or acknowledged and then she causes me to dissociate. She is angry at us and I won't talk to her and so she punishes me. So I told him that it could be that she needs more nurturing and reassurance before we end. She needs to have her say. He agreed and said we would begin to do this.

Monte, I think your last few minutes of praying and holding hands satisfies your child's need for touch, connection and nurturing. It may be a religious sharing but I think it's more than that on the child level.

So today he spoke more to her and checked in with her before we ended the session. We felt his warmth and empathy and were not scared to go. He was so pleased that I would even entertain the thought that there was a child and she needed something from him. He is thrilled at the progress we have been making lately and I'm so glad we had a good conversation to explore all parts of this ending problem. We will try his idea for awhile and see how it goes... giving nurture to the child and checking in with her before ending.

I'm feeling grounded and connected tonight. So different than Monday night.

Monte... how has therapy been going?

Hugs
TN

WOAH TN - did I just see you collaborating with your T to help meet the needs of the inner child with gentleness and care?!



FANTASTIC WORK!!!

Hi Jones... thanks. I guess we were collaborating and both trying to reach the child. I can't believe I've even written that down. I'm trying to get used to it.

My T has always been open to what I have to say but sometimes my anger gets in the way and I can't see that. I'm less angry with him because I guess I'm just tired of thinking of him as the enemy when he is SO far from being that. He is the one who is so much on my side and is my rock. So I think really believing that is helping to shift the relationship a little.

Panic is a great description of the feeling that comes over me when I have to leave so soon. I need to tell T that. It's the child who is floundering because she needs something but is afraid to ask.

Monte, I'm glad to hear you are forging ahead with your T and making progress. I can get a small glimpse at this point in my therapy of what you are describing. And YES to just holding onto T's hand and taking it all in. I have held my T's hand twice and it was an immensely powerful experience for me and the child.


TN

TN
No worries about hijacking! I've been so busy lately to post. I just was catching up today. It gives me reassurance I'm not so silly about ending of my sessions. He did good there for awhile when I brought it up saying you need your Friday hug? Then the next 2 Fridays no mention of hugs or encouragement which I do better with. He finally gave me one yesterday again but I totally flipped out in my car having to call him. I usually have to call him after Fridays appt I don't understand why? One Friday near the end of session he gets his cell out and calls me, he gives me encouraging words and we hang up. He goes there we got the phone call out if the way, cute but kinda hurt like I don't want to be bothered by you later. He explained his Mondays & Fridays are just so busy. He leaves work early to run groups on those days. I should have not answered my cell and maybe he would have left me a vm with those comforting words?
He's not big on reassurance esp if it deals with me thinking he hates me, even though he has been more expressive with me than any other client, I said just because I'm the only one who goes there!
I just hate how sessions end and I keep telling we have to do something different because I can't keep going through this, it makes me want to stop.
Thanks for everyone responding it helps me to read what everyone else does!!! Sorry I've been missing.....