I know I have spoken on my previous thread about how I am struggling to get past this wall between my T and I. The wall that would not allow me to move closer to him and allow him to know more of me and of my history and my issues. I had an idea from something that Monte posted about her sessions with her wonderful T and I decided that perhaps if I brought something in for show and tell it would help me find the words that recently just seemed to get stuck in my chest.
So I emailed my T on Friday night and he responded the next morning and said I would always be welcome to bring in anything that would allow him to know me better and that it was very appropriate to do things like that.
I thought about it over the weekend and decided I was not ready to bring in pictures so I decided on bringing in some very old childhood books that were important to me and my old school records. School has been a point of grief for me over the years I have been in therapy. I'm still working on dealing with this issue that was aborted and frozen in time after my oldT abandoned me.
When I showed up with my little tote bag I didn't know how much I would get to or what I would exactly say. We made small talk for about 10 minutes which we rarely do and he allowed me to do this because he was learning some things about me in this way even though it was chit chat stuff. Then I moved on to oldT ... I'm still hurting and in pain over his non -response to the letter my T sent him asking for this last meeting. My T said I would be reporting him to the various boards/organizations if he didn't respond. It does not seem to have had an effect on him. I guess he does not believe I am serious, even though I am VERY serious. This led me to feel like nothing was real about that therapy. That nothing he did or said was real. I imagined the entire therapy and feel like I have to distance myself from it and from the person that I was becoming during that time. Of course, my T tells me that this is not true and that therapy was very real but it was MY hard work that made it so and that I owned this work and should take it with me. I told him that whoever's work it is I am still in a hell of a lot of pain over what happened and I didn't know if this would ever truly go away.
I then told him I had stuff to show him. So that part went fairly well. I shared my books and what they meant to me and how no one ever read them to me. In fact, one of the books I had since first grade but never read until 2 years ago when I read it to my son. The other book talks about a lonely scared little boy and I guess I identified with him in a way. We talked about this and it somehow led me to some really hard memories. I dissociated a bit but my T caught me right away and brought me back and told me if I got scared I did't have to do that because he was there to help me. I was not alone. That was good.
The problem was that just at the point where I was really getting into some really deep pain and I was crying a lot my time was up! I had to pull myself together and get up and put my blanket away and leave. I was a freaking mess. Aside from this we were talking earlier about the relationship and my T said to me that sometimes I am a "pain in the ass". I was somewhat hurt by that. I asked him what made me this pain and he said that I call him on small stuff. At first I thought he meant that I call him up on the phone for small stuff...and I experienced a real moment of deep fear. But he meant that I challenged him on small things not the big stuff which I should. I told him I had to start somewhere and he laughed and said true and it was okay. He said it didn't matter to him if I was a pain because we could just talk about it and it's no big deal. But I still felt a bit put off about that comment. I guess it's a big deal to me.
But I think I'm upset about the fact that I had to leave him in a really activated state. I have no recollection of anything beyond putting my blanket away. I don't remember shaking his hand, nor leaving, nor what we said, nor how I got back to work. I remember my body was shaking a lot when I got up to put the blanket away. I remember thinking to myself... I cannot leave here in this condition. And then it was like the emotion was gone and I was gone with it.
I think I'm struggling with the question of how do I do therapy with him and go into those deeper places when I only have so much time (which is not enough) and then have to run out and go back to work? When I would do this stuff with oldT he rarely had someone after me in the afternoon and so I could have some extra time (like 10 minutes) to calm down, and to ground myself, dry my eyes and get ready to go back to the real world. Not only that... but oldT had a huge reception room in two sections and I could go to the back area where I could be unseen and sit for a few minutes to compose myself. My T has a really small waiting area that I would not feel comfortable enough to sit in when session was over. It's brightly lit and no place to hide.
I just don't know what to do because now I'm really skittish about another session like yesterday's. I was out of sorts all day and last night and today I'm having a lot of anxiety with no place to put it and I don't want to contact my T for fear of being a pain in the ass again to him. I feel like things are just not right. I will say that maybe I'm just missing my oldT and how things went down with him during these difficult sessions. He was warmer and made me feel more cared for. I know that sounds stupid in light of his recent cruelty.
My T did move closer to me yesterday at one point as I asked him to. And he seemed interested in what I said but there was not even a smidge of emotion on his face. Like I was relating to him the weather report. That upset me. Like he just didn't get it or I was not making it clear how painful this stuff was to me. Or like he has heard this a million times and I 'm just another boring client.
The last thing is that I have tried to discuss this with him... that I need time at the end of the session to calm down. He has said I don't have to rush out but I can't seem to "overstay" when he gets up from his desk. I mean he's standing there so I feel like I have to run out. I don't know... this has not improved at all... the ending. The ending is hard but I handle it most times when I know time is running out but yesterday I did not know the time. I can't see his clock and if I look at my watch he tells me he keeps the time. So I don't look.
I'm just at a loss right now on what to do.
TN
Original Post
) that it sounds to me as if you’re entering a new phase of therapy with this Good T. That now is when the real testing of his trustworthiness and goodness is happening, and maybe you are having to be hypervigilant about everything, on guard against potential threats precisely because his having been so much there for you these last 6 months is raising fears of being let down, hurt, betrayed... So lots of things are coming up that you're needing to get straight? Just a thought...
Thank you for telling me what you do with your Ts. It really helps to know what works for others. I think we all have some kind of trouble when we have to leave because it's that wretched separation anxiety that kicks in. Most times I can handle it if we end the session in a way that brings me back down to earth.