I can not imagine going through some of your real life crap in front of your training class!

Yes, I grew up in a very enmeshed and controlling family - I am the black sheep, or as my T says, I'm the white sheep and they all are the black sheep. The amount of guilt and shame I feel is tremendous, and excruciating at times when there are a lot of family gatherings in a short amount of time, like there has been recently.

I was the good girl who never got in trouble, who always did as I was told, who pretty much stayed guilted/shamed into staying very close to home. I lived at home for university, I was trained to never go out alone after dark (though we live in a very safe area) and I always spent every moment of every holiday, including Halloween, with my family, because it was my job to be there for them. I am also the oldest.

My brother and sister on the other hand, they both went away to school, were fully active in extra curricular activities in middle and high school, my parents went to their sporting events, they celebrated holidays with friends, they got to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. My brother even got kicked out of the dorms his freshman year, and my parents converted their basement into an apartment for him. Very different rules for my two siblings than for me.

It's only been through working with my T that I finally see the truth - my family consists of two rather spoiled and selfish siblings, two very unstable and addicted parents, and me. Looking at me through their eyes, I am the crazy one in a room full of normal, and that is the way they made me, and still make me feel. The reality of it is that I am the "normal" one in a room full of crazy.

I am still trying to get out of it, the shame I have from growing up the way I did, and the guilt I have for breaking out of the enmeshment and trying to build my own life is very heavy. My sister lives overseas, and my parents talk to her more than they talk to me, their daughter who lives 20 minutes away. They see my brother more than they see me. They always complain that they I don't call, or visit, or think of them often enough. It really sucks, to be honest. But at least I can silence their endless phone calls...

good luck with studying and sleeping!

Hi Athenacus,

My family was very controlling - I have a long standing issue with absolute adherence to rules and I feel like I'm going to die of a panic attack if I do something wrong or break any sort of rule anywhere about anything. I did feel a ton of silent shame. My role in family was caregiver/fixer when I wasn't with my sibling in the 'problem' role (everything was our fault - if someone drank it was because we did or didn't do xyz, etc).

I was able to physically move away, but mentally has been hard. I've had... sort of what could be described as a trauma bond with my parents where I basically thought/think they could do no wrong. So as I've learned the impact of the dynamics in our relationship (my Ts focus more on dynamics than the actual content of the things I've gone through) I've learned how to have a view that comes from protecting myself and doing what is best for myself. So I am getting out of the bad dynamics by setting up ones that are safe.

In the meantime... I cope by doing my best haha trying boundaries and seeing how they go, talking to my Ts, trying to build balance.

Room2Grow-I could have written your second paragraph myself! I too was the good, perfect and eldest child. I did as I was told and followed all the rules. I was also trained to not go out alone after dark (or at least to certain places). Hee hee...I've done this a lot in the last year and it is very freeing! I lived at home for my 1st two years of university/college. Then, I had a lot of fun when I went away for my last two years of college. After that I went right into a job and marriage because I thought that was like a rule of society and my religion (the person you have sex with is the one you marry or you wait until marriage).
Now, my kids and I live with my parents after my divorce. I'm still trying to follow most of the rules, but I feel like I'm losing myself sometimes. I've slipped back into my family role. Although, sometimes I take over my sister's roles too. I plan on living with my parents for quite a while seeing as how I'm going to grad school and can't afford a place of my own with the kids.

Catalyst-Yup, the panic attacks if you feel you are going to do something wrong. I've had many in the last two years.

Thank you for answering my questions. I don't feel so alone.

off to go study...

I'm reading a book called "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans right now.

Wow. Just...check it out. This book has helped me realize that I AM NOT the crazy one!!

I expected as much from family, but not from a therapist. I'm still shocked by it, to be honest.

It is surreal is that MANY therapists are controlling. I just talked to a new T and he even told me that the new trend in therapy is to blame the client for the shortcomings of the therapist. For real. My father was unaware and felt the need to control others, but it blows my mind how many unaware therapists are protected by the industry. It makes me sick to my stomach. At least there are a few that understand what is going on.. I think. Suspending disbelief for right now. We shall see.

But at least now I know what happened, and I can start to heal.

Please, please don't blame yourself for the behavior of those who are compelled to control, whether is is family or a therapist or both. It can happen any time intimate information is shared with another person. I realized that I don't have "trust issues", but that I'm VERY smart to take my time in trusting until I know for sure that the other is not a "Controlling Person". A careful screening process and a long trial period is not an unreasonable way to go about creating intimate relationships, provided I even have the energy to weed out all the jerks. (maybe, maybe not) I can't put this book down.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/produ..._details_o00_s00_i00

I'll even post excerpts.. doubting your own perceptions, feeling as if no matter how many times you explain yourself you will never be understood.. it doesn't matter, because the controlling person sees you NOT as a separate entity but as an extension of his or herself. Therefore, they feel the need to tell you who you are, what you should feel or think what your motives are. Should one attempt to defend themselves, they will be met with comments such as "You are too sensitive" or "You can't take a joke" or "You always have to have the last word" or "you can't always have what you want" or "Who do YOU think YOU are???" And a therapist can always tell you that you have a personality disorder or that you are manipulating (a projection if I ever heard one!!!) Now I know that MY ex T had a personality disorder!

And BTW.. the abuser is always on his or her best behavior in front of other people. How is it that the world hasn't caught on to the abuser's game??? That is what I would like to know.



Sound familiar?