This was an epic fail. This was not a good session at all. I am just destroyed.

First session after the memorial in the park with T. I was feeling pretty good about things which you could probably tell if you read my post about the memorial. As you may know, T has been bugging me about integration and inner kid work and I had given it a lot of thought and was even testing waters a little and then C died and that loss threw me into grief and just shut down everything else. I was desolate and in deep despair for many weeks and then things got rocky with T. We had some miscommunications and he got angry with me for “undoing” our work that we had done previously. I have also been under extra strain at work with my mid-year review looming and if you have been following me you know what a hellish time I’ve had at work.

After being postponed twice I finally had the review yesterday afternoon. I texted T to tell him and then I texted him again afterwards to tell him I was okay and that things went well. I stayed grounded (which was huge for me) and I was calm and prepared and honestly the manager had nothing to complain about as I have been doing the work of 2 people and receiving commendations from clients for excellence.

So today in session he begins by talking about the review. Then we slide into talking about how I was doing/feeling after the memorial on Monday. I was telling him of feelings that I had that day and how I was feeling now. I told him part of the anxiety was being there with him. He nodded like he knew. I told him for one thing we have never sat side by side. (That felt unnerving to me but I didn’t say that) He said well people always sit like that in the park when they are talking. I know he was trying to normalize it for me but it did not then allow me to explore further WHY I was feeling like that. How physical proximity to others makes me scared and anxious. Especially with those who are important to me … like him. But I couldn’t say that because he went on to other stuff. We talked more about Monday and I told him I drove by the park again and my rock is still there untouched. Then we talked about how I had a moment of panic when I had arrived there and saw so many kids in the park, etc.

Okay getting to the point… sorry for rambling…. I was thinking Monday and Tuesday nights how I could take something from C’s death and our relationship to help me in therapy. How I could learn from how C and I related to each other and use it in my relationship with T. I began to think about inner kid work and at least TRYING to allow him to see her or making some attempt to do what T has been asking me to do. And in addition, I had been feeling the kid more. Maybe because she was so close to C and was so devastated at losing her playmate. C had a strong inner kid that she related to and played with…. Which just means that she was silly with him and could just be herself, whoever she/I was at the moment. There was a comfort level that was unique. And so I had a strong urge to sit down and draw something and communicate it to T. I think all the talk about using art and other media to help move therapy along gave some ideas.

So little TN wrote a thank you note to T for coming to the park with us and for participating in the memorial. She said she had been scared but T was nice. She wrote with crayon (non-dominant hand) and she also wrote that she missed C and was feeling sad and lost. Said she liked C so much because he played with her and she was missing that and thought maybe Dr. B would do that too. Then she drew a picture of the park with the tree and the rock and two figures and a bench.

So I gathered all my courage today and gave it to T. I told him I was asked to deliver this to him. He looked at it and read it. Had no real expression that I was able to see. Then he put it down and said thank you. He said treasured it. Then he said that I needed to know that he would not play. He does not do that. I would need to find someone else for that or someone else would be sent from the universe or wherever. He said he would keep her protected and help her and me and wanted me to get better. I totally dissociated after that. I got so scared and I went deaf and buzzy. I tried to focus. So I told him that I don’t like that he never tells me that I can tell him anything or that anything I say/feel is acceptable to him. He said well I never said it wasn’t. So I said you never told me it was. I only remember pieces of what we talked about after he read the card and said he would not play. I know he said something about me being silly with my son and how he does that with his daughter, or with his wife or on the golf course. So that made me feel even worse. Like he can give that which I need to others in his real life but never to me. He didn't even ask me what I meant by "play". He only knows his own interpretaion. I felt so hurt and awful and like I made such a huge mistake. I was so WRONG to do this, to ask this or to open up to him like this. This is why I cannot come to fully trust him. When I try he screws up and then I shut down. So he said to me when I got angry and shut down and got up to leave as time was running out… I guess I’m going to get an email. So I said “no, no email”. He told me I did good work today. I don’t remember what I said when I left because I was SO out of my body by then.

I finally took a step towards what he has been bugging me to do and then he freaking criticizes me/her attempt at communicating with him. Does he REALLY think I will do this again? He is just like my mother. I would try to do something and just get picked apart. And don’t tell me this is transference. It’s real. He did the same thing she always did which is why I never went to her with anything. Why I kept my life a secret and turned inward. It’s like you draw something or make something as a kid and run home to show Dad and he says something critical and wounding. It was the same. Even if he had NO plan to ever play with her/me or did not believe that was what I needed…. Did he have to say it just then? Was it so frigging important to tell me that just then?

I feel so alone now. I have no one. I am so hurt and broken.

TN