Wow, so much to say in response to this thread!
quote:
I have been thinking about erotic transference and I might be completely out of line here but i have always had the impression that it is a way of trying to redress the balance of power in therapeutic (or any unbalanced)relationships.
HB,
I totally agree with this. I don't think the erotic transference is totally about this but I know it was part of it with me. Especially in the beginning, I felt like I needed my T so badly and needing someone so much was such a dangerous, threatening place for me to be because my father has so abused and exploited that power imbalance when I was a child. If my T was my lover than he would NEED something from me and then I would have power too. We have discussed that a few times.
I recently hit another major realization about the erotic transference. For me it was an attempt at a reenactment of the trauma (I was sexually abused by my dad). I was really struggling with feeling scared about how close I was getting with my T and how strongly I felt about him and even being scared about finally believing he really cared about me. We were discussing it one session after he had been away for a few weeks and he quoted Aldonza's song from Man of La Mancha to Me:
Of all the cruel bastards
Who've badgered and battered me,
You are the cruelest of all!
Can't you see what your gentle
Insanities do to me?
Rob me of anger and give me despair! Blows and abuse
I can take and give back again,
Tenderness I cannot bear!
And it hit me right between the eyes, it was exactly how I felt. His care and belief in my worth was absolutely terrifying me because they gave me hope and hence something to lose. After that session I read an article on trauma that talked about how we tend to reenact trauma. That a traumatized person or animal when faced with two choices will choose the more painful if it's more familiar. I had never experienced being this close to another human being with my boundaries intact and it was uncomfortable and scary and left me feeling off balance. I was unconsciously looking for a way to push it back into more comfortable territory. And one way would be to introduce sex into the relationship so that my T would take the role of my father.
All of this gets complicated by the fact that I am also just attracted to the man for some very real qualities. I've really appreciated when we've discussed these feelings he's open to all those meanings. I will admit it's been worthwhile (if excruiatedly embarrassing) to discuss the topic.
And River, just for the record, it's ALWAYS a struggle but I'm blessed with an utterly unflappable T. There is absolutely no difference in his demeanor or reactions when he's discussing sex. He's the same as if we were discussing the weather. It really, really helps me that he doesn't get uncomfortable. But I will also say that I'm never specific about the feelings, I talk about general desire or what I'm looking for but I don't go into explicit detail. If you could die from blushing, I would if I did that.
OK, last but not least, I've found the topic of the fantasic fascinating. One way that i've known that my T has really helped me to heal has been in the change in my sexual fantasies. My sexual fantasies had always involved a lot of degradation and bondage often with a lot of onlookers something I was very deeply ashamed of and never talked of. Actually this is the first time I've even said it. But when I first discussed my erotic feelings for my T he told me that this was a chance for me to experience a healthy sexual desire in a safe relationship. The first time I heard that it was like "huh?" But his acceptance of my feelings allowed me to stay with it and eventually my fantasies shifted. They're very mutual because the reason my attraction is so strong is that I realized that sex wasn't supposed to be about being used it was supposed to be about care and expressing an intimacy, about another way to acheive emotional closeness. So now instead of being about degradation and humiliation, they're about being cared for and loved. I like it much better this way.
Lastly, I know for me, the erotic attraction is about avoiding the pain. If I could just get my T to really love me (symbolized by a sexual relationship) than I would finally have what I have been hunting for my whole life, the care and love I should have received from my parents. That is what has been SO important about the boundaries. My T frustrating that but being willing to examine all those feelings have helped me to realize that I have been searching for something impossible to find. It's too late, he is NOT capable of giving me what I desire. That has been a very painful realization but one that led to a very necessary grief, a mourning of the loss of not having those needs met. But the grief is healing and has allowed me to get enough of what I need to go on.
I'm really grateful that my T has handled this topic so well and been so calm and accepting about it because being able to deeply examine it has taught me so much about myself and how I relate to people.
All that said I still REALLY want to jump his bones sometimes.
But I am (usually) very very grateful that I can completely trust him that nothing will happen of that nature between us. That safety is what has allowed me to get so close to him and do so much healing.
OK, I'm really back now, I've done one of my novel length posts.
AG
) way I think its an indication of a desire for deeper intimacy with your husband. When you are being physically intimate with him, it's probably evoking the desire to also be more emotionally intimate with him and your T provides the template for how to do that. In many ways, its a healthy sign. 
